Category: 2017

YEALM BY VIDEO

Late Devonian Mass Extinction
as Headon thrives in Hadean Conditions

As the mercury pushed 30oC, a strong Bathampton side converged upon the KES fields for the first Sunday fixture of the season to take on new opposition Yealm. The Devonian visitors were on the last leg of their tour and turned up slightly late and one suspects slightly hungover. Pre-match mind games were already underway as the arriving team were treated to a frankly misleading sight of Sloth fielding practice drills and a seven year old belting the ball with aggressive intent. Captain Franks won the toss for BCC and charitably put the jaded tourists straight in to field in absolutely baking conditions.

Sloth openers Hewston and O’Herlihy the Kestrel wasted no time in setting the tone, reaping 7 and 8 from the first two overs with consummate ease. The outfield was lightning, and the pitch had been baked solid. More of the same followed with both batsmen oozing class and boundaries, and it was hard to see where a wicket was going to come from. Hewston then fished at a wide one, snicked it, and kicked himself all the way back to the pavilion having scored a useful 17. Lodge, now widely reknowned as the Chris Tavare of Wales, strode out and made an immediate statement with a cover drive for four. Feeling that on merit, the Welsh were clearly over-represented in this crack Lions Sloth team, O’Herlihy fronted up for his Irish kinsmen and absolutely spanked an on-drive to the rope – a belting shot. The runs continued to climb as the boiling conditions offered no respite for the fielders or indeed the batsmen.

A change of bowler saw some good pace up the hill from Price, and immediately it paid dividends. The Kestrel was tempted into a false stroke and was snaffled having scored a belligerent 26. Freshmeat joined the fray to make the case for the Scots contingent and was very nearly done first ball as Price sent another rozzer up the hill. Discretion prevailed, and with good left-arm stuff coming down the hill too from Hendreegh, the rate slowed somewhat. Lodge retook the strike though, and sent price to the boundary in consecutive balls – a perfect square drive followed by a bang-on square cut. Frustration followed as the bowler then sent the next ball for four byes down leg. Price won in the end though, nicking Lodge’s off-stump. However, the runs conceded seemed to spell the end of Price, for which the batsmen were rather grateful. Lodge went for 28 from 22 balls and Harper rejoined the battle and batted and ran like the Harper of old. Actually, that’s tosh – he batted brilliantly like the Harper of old, but also ran extremely well between the wickets. Harper added 21 from 14; Fresh on 52 was told to retire at the end of the over, and got caught next ball. Bonder hit some boundaries but also got tied down by some good bowling; The Colonel batted like a maniac while Bonder accumulated sedately, and by the close of play 199 had been posted with extras.

A rare wicket maiden from Fresh commenced proceedings down the hill, while Colonel Mustard started from the canal end with some miserable tripe that was duly dispatched. However, unfortunately for Ant, the Colonel tightened up his act after the first over. Yealm’s no.3 biffer, J Martin (del Potro?) biffed a few until he was caught for 19. Stitson followed suit as the Colonel conjured up a wicket in his final over, much to Ant’s delight. The Wlesh Maestro and Connor then took over the mantle applying pressure with some tight bowling. On a day of a sound all-round team bowling performance, Headon’s spell was exceptional, and got better and better, his last three overs going for 3,2 and finishing with a maiden. Upon such days one is moved to verse…

Yes. I remember Headon—
The name, because one afternoon
Of heat his express-train bowling drew up
Unwontedly. It was late mid June.

The steam hissed. Someone cleared his throat.
Various batsmen left and came
On the bare wicket. What I saw
Was Headon—only the bowler

And willows, willow-herb, and grass,
And meadowsweet, and haycocks dry,
No whit less still and lonely fair
Than the high cloudlets in the sky.

And for that minute a stumpchat sang
Close by, and round him, mistier,
Farther and farther, all the birds
Of Somerset and Wiltshire.

Lodge knicked a wicket and Headon clean bowled one, and frankly could have had several more. This effectively knocked the stuffing out of the tourists, now pink in both shirt and face. Hewes and O’Herlihy then followed up with yet more pressure, a maiden from Hewes and just 2 from the Kestrel’s first overs. Hewes snicked another. This left death bowling specialists Evetts and Franks to polish off the remaining 2 overs. Ed ‘Where he?’ Evetts sent down a baffling barrage of balls and eventually elicited the exit of the hitherto obdurate N Ross for a well fought 38. Time ran out for Yealm’s chase, ending with 155 from 30 overs. In broiling conditions, a fine victory was wrapped up by the Sloths through excellent bowling pressure maintained throughout the Yealm innings. Four catches were held too – credits to Hewes and whoever else held one.

Edward Thomas
Wastrel and Sports Correspondent for the Bathampton Literary Review








Bloody fluke this, James retakes position at top of bowling stats with rank ball. Hewes, probably on steroids, reacts most un-sloth like AND holds on. What a…

Hewes can bowl

Cream of Welshman

Hewes gives bruise

Eddie the Beagle

Fresh Guinness proves hard to swallow for Sloths


Following a victory over the Railway Taveners on Friday night, old foes Guiness turned up at the KES sportsfield on Tuesday with a suspiciously youthful looking team. Howard took up the mantle of leadership, attended the toss in the middle, lost it and realizing that a tough evening was in the offing, promptly nominated Freshmeat for captaincy while the latter was dropping the kids off at the pool. A shrewd move as it turns out.

The Sloth team was a blend of youth and experience with Yerbury, Bond and Harper providing the experience, and James ‘The Colonel’ Mustard McWilliam (see below), Cam, Connor and Liam providing the youth. Howard, Lewis, Hewes and Edwards provided the embittered and squeezed middle, long past their youth, but with no prospect of a peaceful retirement.

Leading wicket taker The Colonel was asked to open the bowling down the slope, with Liam coming up from the canal end. The Guinness openers set out their stall early and started with intent, despite some pretty good bowling. The first batsman was bowled by Liam (actually, I can’t remember who got him), and the talented Guinness number 3 stepped up. The Colonel gave him a long hop first ball which was spanked straight to square leg, where Cam Bond dropped an ankle-high dipper, somewhat hindered by his slow-recovering ACL. A few boundaries later the Colonel then pulled off a super slower ball and flummoxed the Guinness bosher into a massive top edge swipe, the resulting steepler snaffled one-handed at backward square.

What followed was some good aggressive batting, and despite some good bowling throughout, the score mounted quickly. The only notable highlights for the fielding team were a dropped catch (The Colonel), another dropped catch (The Colonel) and a rank misfield (The Colonel). Bowling credits to Liam, Yerbs, Hewes and Edwards. Connor found his line and length to look dangerous, but sadly only for his last two balls. Harper took some tap but responded well with a change to round the wicket being rewarded, bowling the batsman. By the end, Guinness had scored 145 with some fine power hitting around the park.

Sloths were encouraged to adopt an all-out attack to try to chase a good total. The first over was pretty wild with various wides and no balls, so Hewes waited until the first ball of the second over before whacking the first 6. Lots of good running and a straight drive took 12 from the over. By the time Freshmeat retired in over number 4, the Guinness opening bowler had been spanked for 30 from 2 overs, and the fielders were making our fielding look good. However, the bowling became rather better as the innings progressed. Hewes and Edwards batted well, the latter with poise and confidence until he pulled his groin. Once they had perished sloth after sloth fell on their sword swinging. Each time a few boundaries were stitched together, another wicket would fall. Harper hit some nice shots in a good partnership with Bonder Snr; the Colonel wasted no time in swinging hard; and Connor’s running was exemplary, sneaking runs all over the shop. The required run rate crept up though, and while the Sloth resources were dwindling, the bowling kept improving and 29 was required from the final over. Yerbury opined that the best thing he could do was to get out immediately and allow the retired captain to go back in. Presaging the wicket of Conner, Yerbs duly walked out and executed that plan with military efficiency, and one golden duck later, the captain went out and down with his sinking ship, castled last ball of the innings.

117 was scored by the Sloths in a brave but ultimately fated run-chase against what has to be said was a very strong batting and bowling performance from the visitors. It was a fine effort against a good team. Post-match entertainment involved the nursing of groins; a very interesting discussion about trays, their uses, pros and cons and where they can be procured; the benefits of lentil and rice at lunchtime; a rather questionable mustard-coloured sweater; and the dishing out of abuse to The Colonel – the traditional Sloth approach to making new players feel welcome.

Railway Taverners get onto the wagon and go off the rails…


The biggest cricket match of the weekend took place on Friday night in Bathampton as the locals welcomed back the roving Railway Taverners. An independent observer would actually have seen the North London tourists welcome the Sloths to their own Bathampton grounds as the locals applied their usual low standards of timeliness. In a bid for a first victory over BCC, the Taveners had strategically eschewed their usual hungover state for this fixture. Not only that, but they had also displayed a concerning level of application by turning up for a pre-match nets session.

By 6.15 the Sloths had assembled a quorum containing a good number of Headons. Headon Snr was carrying a groin strain, perhaps unsurprising noting the enormous brood of smaller Headons in tow. The coin toss was won by acting captain Fresh, and the tourists were put in to bat. Dan ‘the Kestrel’ O’Herlihy was given the new cherry and bowled with aplum (sic) down the hill. Mm. Taking inspiration from Pakistan’s massively unsuccessful strategy against India in the Champions Trophy, spin was used early with Hewston opening from the canal end. It looked like a coup when Tav opener Andy P nicked a ripper third ball, but Bonder had other ideas, palming it round the corner like Joe Hart (in his dreams). Regulation sloth cricket one might think. But Headon Snr nursing his crocked crotch at slip had other ideas and dropped to his right and plucked the ball one handed for a quite outstanding catch.

The Kestrel bowled another beauty of an over, getting past the edge of the bat regularly, and by the time Hewston had finished, only 13 runs had been scored. Continuing the pace down, spin up strategy, Howard and Headon Jnr Jnr (Liam) took over. A trap was laid for the leg-flick that was apparent from both batsmen and Tavener Simon flicked Howard’s first ball straight into the hovering Kestrel’s predatory beak. Not content with this outbreak of actual cricket, Howard blitzed the stumps with the next ball, with Aymon retiring for a golden duck. Dot. Dot. A double wicket maiden beckoned…but a rank leg side long-hop was gratefully sent to the boundary by skipper Greg to settle the visitors nerves. But alas for him Howard had got himself stuck in some sort of parallel universe and in a reversal of his normal approach, showed the rank long-hop to be the exception, and bowled out the captain next ball with a cracker. At the other end, Headon Jnr Jnr bowled with serious guile and intent and restricted run scoring. Headon Jnr Snr took over from Howard, whilst Headon Jnr Jnr was replaced by Headon Snr. Got it? Good stuff from both, although it was noted that off the short run-up, Headon Snr’s groin issue was preventing his usual penetration.

New Sloth Tom Edwards turned up at about 7.15, demonstrating sloth timekeeping from the off and took over from stand-in Chairman Franks. The livewire AJ meanwhile turned up for the visitors at the crease and played a great innings along with the recalcitrant opener Dom, still holding out. Lodge and Edwards kept it tight and 73 had been scored from 16. The last four saw a run-out, a golden duck for old friendly foe Tony the Duck (and the reinstatement of the duck hat in the field), a fine maiden from Hewes and a final total of 94 for the Taveners.

This proved tough to defend as Sloth openers took the initiative and having scored 52 of the runs from 36 balls, they made way for Edwards and Headon Jnr Snr who ticked along well until Headon was castled by Tony. Bathampton’s overseas player Lodge then stepped up and produced an astonishing display of timing and shot selection – both utterly appalling. This resulted in more dots than a Morse code translation of the entire works of Dylan Thomas. Unfortunately, this seemed to be contagious as Edwards joined in the dot-to-dot craze. The middle 5 overs saw 9 runs scored – credit to Greg and Simon for some tight bowling. Edwards then remembered how to play again, and slashed a couple of boundaries to concluded the proceedings.

Post-match entertainment involved a few sharpeners, Bonder extracting payment through a policy of fear and threat, a full pitch search for a missing wedding ring (sadly not apparent but if anyone spots one, let us know) and dishing out abuse to Lodgey. Thanks to Chairman Franks for fielding in lieu of Tom for an hour or so, and to Tom for washing up in the bar. We look forward to welcoming the Taveners back next year. Sobriety, as philosopher Montaigne once said, is overrated when playing T20 cricket on a Friday evening. We would strongly recommend a more socially liberal policy involving much more pre-match booze and a return to their more customary hungover state.

Michel Yyqem de Montaigne, Philosopher, Essay-writer and T20 Enthusiast

Sloths Thwart Dads

Record-Breaking Sloths Thwart Dads Renaissance

Famously, there has only ever been one recorded ‘Dads’ victory against Bathampton Sloths. However, the team fielded by ‘turncoat’ Tom Hardy yesterday at KES was generally recognised to be among the strongest to date. Fortunately for the hosts, it just happened that the scraped-together 11 of Sloth walking wounded featured a formidable line-up of quality batting. And many of those are no slouch with the ball either.

In a gesture of goodwill to the less practiced Dads – and having ascertained his injured and swollen hand would barely squeeze into a wicket-keeper’s glove – Stumpchat posted himself on the boundary. However, rather than rendering him inaudible this only served to make him even less comprehendible. Thus, the familiar running commentary took on a somewhat surreal, dream-like quality and it was left to Bonder to invoke the ‘magic ball’.

First, though, it was Sloth’s duty to set a target for Dads to essay. It would be uncharitable to suggest Rich Houston willed the early dismissal of senior-partner Lodge. However, there was no mistaking his glee at then having a partner – in Laurie Maylor – with whom he could run every nick, steer and fumble. And run they did, even managing four to the longest boundary before the ball was returned.

Which is not to say the Dads’ fielding was sloppy: far from it. Although not all Dads managed to bowl, those that did were largely accurate and testing. Several times, Rich and Laurie had to check their shots as the ball came through more slowly than anticipated from the recently-dampened turf. But both were seeing the ball well and largely finding the middle of the bat to good effect.

And so, a good, ‘proper’ contest ensued: Hewston, Maylor and Fresh all retiring and runs piling on as Danny O eschewed unnecessary effort in favour of clattering every third ball to the boundary. Memory fails me as to the details but Bonder must have featured in the runs as well and ‘Wides’ had a good showing too in bringing the final Sloth total to a whopping (possibly record-breaking) 174 from 20 overs.

You should really never say ‘never’ but for a scratch Dads side to make anything like this total would have been nigh-on miraculous. However, with a one-legged Bond junior hobbling around at slip, a one-handed Stumpchat twittering on the boundary and many of the team firmly into middle age, they fancied giving it a good go. Sloth fielders were thus treated to some elegant stroke play from regular league player Darren Barnes and also a gutsy performance from apparently-irregular-cricketer Tom. Both have intimated they may soon join the Slothful ranks, for which a degree of rejoicing must be in order.

There were a couple of questionable decisions where run-outs and stumpings were concerned. However, keeper Bond was uncharacteristically forthright in his defence of said decisions. Indeed, he went as far as to suggest those fielding in the deep didn’t know what the %^&)”@~ *!£? they were talking about. What else? Maylor bowled quickly. Hewston slowly. Franks somewhere in between. Bond junior off one leg. And Fresh marked out a run-up of such length he only had the energy to walk most of the way in. The usual stuff. ( I haven’t seen the score book and was drinking cider at the time.)

Dads managed a commendable 120-something and the whole thing was jolly splendid, really. A great score from Sloths against actually very good bowling and sharp fielding. And a solid defence of that total. Skipper Franks showed excellent sense of priority by leaving the field to man the bar during Dads’ innings. And a large crowd of mums, offspring and sundry friends/relatives largely ignored the whole thing. Pretty much everything you could ask for from this historic fixture. Except, of course, a Dads’ win… now did I mention that happened one time?

Michael Gove, Education Correspondent, Slothful Times

A royal roasting…

Recipe for Roasted Sloth

Take a fair selection of youth, just enough to make it look tasty. Season with a handful of elder sloths.

Bowl your best 4 opening bowlers keeping the run rate to under 5 an over.

Bring on triple-wicket-maiden James Mc-Ringer-Williams to remove any opening batsmen.

Match should now be golden, and you may, mistakingly, think it done and dusted.

To properly roast the sloth marinade, for a couple of overs in self-smugness and over confidence before revealing your openers were in fact, lower order batsman.

Thrash intently for 10 – 15 overs before repeating process with your bowlers, starting with the pie chuckers and ending with your speed bowlers.

For optimum flavour and taint of offal, ensure said speed bowlers come on in the fading light.

Well done to Spam and Bubba, the latter discovering he can play himself in taking 6 balls to score and a further 16 to retire, the former doing so in 33 balls but like it says on the can “Fresh Meat – gone stale”….

Sloths by Name…

Not only was the constant chirrup of stumpchat behind the wickets a reassuring presence last night at KES fields but by the close of play this was the only way anyone knew where to aim the ball. To say it was ‘gloomy’ would be to do grave injustice to the powers of darkness that prevailed. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your viewpoint), the winning runs were scored in time to prevent the game’s abandonment as steady rain eventually made sense of the darkening skies.

An uncharacteristically prompt start precluded the inclusion of Chairman Franks, who was waylaid on a conference call, for a good 5 overs. Apparently he was oiling the wheels of high finance and industry that constitute today’s education system. On his reappearance, he was so aghast at the slothful run-rate instigated by Bathampton’s youthful openers that he had to be physically restrained from personally intervening.

In a bizarre reversal of roles, it fell to the ever-youthful Mike ‘shades’ Bond to get things moving. Since boundaries were in short supply, due to the consistency of Rotork bowling (and – indeed – fielding), poor old Mike had to run the equivalent of a half marathon in order to ensure some kind of total was reached. The now-anti-virus-equipped Jonny Freshmeat then made a welcome return, reminding us all what we were missing last season and helping Stumpchat to an unbeaten 25 along the way.

As Fresh remarked, however, finishing the innings with only 3 wickets down and a total not into three figures demonstrated a woeful lack of urgency and risk-taking. Truth be told, Rotork’s bowling was very good indeed and their fielding sufficiently sharp to allow them to man the boundaries. There they lurked, safe in the knowledge that 1s and 2s – amid plentiful dot balls – would not be enough for Sloths to offer them a meaningful target.

Strangely, Rotork’s opening batsmen did not share Bathampton’s inhibition toward hitting the ball over the ropes (or – in this case – between the randomly positioned flags… thanks James). There were, nonetheless, some fine bowling performances. James McSomethingorother, for the second game in succession, hit the stumps in his first over; Liam ‘Dad’s on a late shift’ Headon was accurate and penetrative; Johnny Fresh looked close to previous form and Ant ‘I’ll field over here then’ Howard took two wickets in one over, when barely able to see the stumps at the other end.

Naturally, behind said stumps was a degree of chat. Not only that but some joyous catching and whipping off of bails, both of which induced appeals that were declined but somewhat contested over a post-match Doombar. One catch behind, however, saw the batsman walking without hesitation and, though Rotork never really looked in danger of falling short, for a time it did appear they may just run out of batsmen before so doing.

Let’s be honest, the Sloth is not a beast renowned for its quickness off the mark. And this season is in its early infancy. There are optimistic signs in the addition of Jimmy Mac, the return of Stumpchat and the renaissance of Fresh. Who knows, all this may even lead to a win before the season is out.

… And if you want statistics and shit – read the frigging scorebook (…I know I haven’t).

Michael Fish; meteorology correspondent; Slothful Times

One Wedding and a Five-For

Bathford vs Bathampton, Bathford, 29-04-17

Captain Franks was heard to utter ‘To be fair, we’re not likely to put on many other scores over 170 this season’ at the end of an action packed 40-over game on Saturday at Bathford’s dry ski slope. And this against what was later revealed to essentially be the home side’s 1st XI. And with only 9½ players available.

Although Bathford, on winning the toss, had elected to bat, they had so many surplus players to hand that at times one might have assumed they were fielding as well. Bolstering the still-awakening-from-hibernation Sloth ranks, Bathford rotated the supply of auxiliary fielders and umpires with such regularity that it became commonplace for the two to be confused. Meanwhile, the indigenous Sloths put on a fine display of ‘falling over near to the ball’, occasionally even stopping its trajectory short of the boundary.

Opening the bowling, Jon ‘Large’ was unfortunate to have a couple of edges defeat the eagerly awaiting Sloth fielders’ paws, whilst Houston found good line, length and variation at the other end from the off. Debutant James [insert surname here] got off to a flying start with a wicket in his first over and continued to probe throughout a fine spell, in between duties as ‘ball magnet’ at mid-off. But Bathford patiently waited for any stray deliveries and invariably found the boundary whenever these came, putting on a mighty total of well over 200 runs (no, I haven’t seen the score book).

Mention should be made of Mike ‘your match fee or your life’ Bond, valiantly throwing himself around like a man half his weight age behind the stumps and taking an improbable catch by the merest tips of his outstretched right glove (albeit having missed a sitter two overs before). Similarly, Rick ‘you should see the other guy’ Hewes remained calm beneath a lofted straight drive of sufficient altitude to cause concern to Bristol Airport’s incoming traffic, to deny Bathford what may well have otherwise been a third retirement on 50+.

But the defining feature of Sloths’ outfield exploits has to be Jonty Frith’s extraordinary pace, accuracy and single-minded ruthless determination in despatching, in record time, two hapless newly-weds. After that he was able to take to the field in time to put in a full bowling spell as well. And what a spell he cast (see what I did there?), taking – wait for it – 5, yes five, that’s FIVE wickets for… oh, I don’t know really but not many runs. And this included a trinity of wicket-maidens, one of which was itself a 3-wicket maiden!!!

Apparently, following a previous shoulder injury, Jonty has been working out and this appears to have added a little fire and brimstone to his delivery (as well as his bowling). For those wanting to emulate Jonty’s action, it may be useful to try the following exercise:

In response to Bathford’s epic total – and following a hearty tea in the hosts’ new state-of-the-art garden shed – captain Franks decided that some creative captaincy was called for. Ingeniously putting Madeye in at the outset to ‘see off the openers’, he apparently hadn’t made it clear he had meant Bathford’s openers. Sadly, we will never know what a fine innings Lodge may have crafted but he will certainly rue the day he declared ‘Neither of us has ever run the other out’.

After this shaky start, however, Harper displayed his usual guile and grit, carving beautifully timed shots behind square both to the leg- and off-side boundaries. Bond arrived at the crease with the air of a man who is not to be messed with and was clearly not intimidated by the home bowlers’ incessant barrage. Both did a fine job in building the platform for a solid and substantial innings.

In spite of this, the required run-rate continued to mount and drastic action was thus called for. Cue captain Franks, with has trademark French-Cricket stance, seemingly happy to play any ball with complete disregard for its relative merits. Suddenly the game was back on and with the run-rate creeping below 20 per over, some even began to believe that the biggest upset since – well, take your pick – may actually be on the cards.

Naturally, Franks’ free-spirited stroke play was ultimately his downfall but not before he’d made an appreciable impact. And there was still plenty of batting to come. In no particular order (I may have dozed off): Hewes, ignoring his broken body, strode manfully into the fray and swung the bat as is his wont; Howard did something or other; Newby Jim showed a straight bat and knocked-up a useful late tally; etc.

But it was Frith who, making a late appearance again, chose once more to steal the show. With only one over remaining and a goodly number of runs required, there was really nothing for Jonty to lose. Except his wicket. Which he did. Twice. In three balls.

To clarify, Bathford had suggested we allow batsmen to return for a second innings, should the entire side be dismissed. Given Sloths only had 10 men, the openers had already changed and nobody was interested in padding up, there was nothing for it but for Jonty to turn around and go back again. Twice.

Now, if there’s an award for conducting a marriage, taking 3 wicket-maidens, a five-for and being out twice – all on the same day – then Jonty may claim it fair and square. In the unlikely event such a thing does not exist, perhaps it should be created.

So it was a characteristically eventful start to a promising new season for Sloths. Bathford were later moved to contact Captain Franks in order to roundly mock him for his incompetence commend Sloths on their plucky efforts against a team of regular league players. James ‘fresher-than-fresh’ proved an invaluable acquisition and Jonty stunned everyone with his wicket tally – both with ball and bat.

Here’s to more of the same…

Richard Dakwins, Theology Correspondent, Slothful Times