Not only was the constant chirrup of stumpchat behind the wickets a reassuring presence last night at KES fields but by the close of play this was the only way anyone knew where to aim the ball. To say it was ‘gloomy’ would be to do grave injustice to the powers of darkness that prevailed. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your viewpoint), the winning runs were scored in time to prevent the game’s abandonment as steady rain eventually made sense of the darkening skies.

An uncharacteristically prompt start precluded the inclusion of Chairman Franks, who was waylaid on a conference call, for a good 5 overs. Apparently he was oiling the wheels of high finance and industry that constitute today’s education system. On his reappearance, he was so aghast at the slothful run-rate instigated by Bathampton’s youthful openers that he had to be physically restrained from personally intervening.

In a bizarre reversal of roles, it fell to the ever-youthful Mike ‘shades’ Bond to get things moving. Since boundaries were in short supply, due to the consistency of Rotork bowling (and – indeed – fielding), poor old Mike had to run the equivalent of a half marathon in order to ensure some kind of total was reached. The now-anti-virus-equipped Jonny Freshmeat then made a welcome return, reminding us all what we were missing last season and helping Stumpchat to an unbeaten 25 along the way.

As Fresh remarked, however, finishing the innings with only 3 wickets down and a total not into three figures demonstrated a woeful lack of urgency and risk-taking. Truth be told, Rotork’s bowling was very good indeed and their fielding sufficiently sharp to allow them to man the boundaries. There they lurked, safe in the knowledge that 1s and 2s – amid plentiful dot balls – would not be enough for Sloths to offer them a meaningful target.

Strangely, Rotork’s opening batsmen did not share Bathampton’s inhibition toward hitting the ball over the ropes (or – in this case – between the randomly positioned flags… thanks James). There were, nonetheless, some fine bowling performances. James McSomethingorother, for the second game in succession, hit the stumps in his first over; Liam ‘Dad’s on a late shift’ Headon was accurate and penetrative; Johnny Fresh looked close to previous form and Ant ‘I’ll field over here then’ Howard took two wickets in one over, when barely able to see the stumps at the other end.

Naturally, behind said stumps was a degree of chat. Not only that but some joyous catching and whipping off of bails, both of which induced appeals that were declined but somewhat contested over a post-match Doombar. One catch behind, however, saw the batsman walking without hesitation and, though Rotork never really looked in danger of falling short, for a time it did appear they may just run out of batsmen before so doing.

Let’s be honest, the Sloth is not a beast renowned for its quickness off the mark. And this season is in its early infancy. There are optimistic signs in the addition of Jimmy Mac, the return of Stumpchat and the renaissance of Fresh. Who knows, all this may even lead to a win before the season is out.

… And if you want statistics and shit – read the frigging scorebook (…I know I haven’t).

Michael Fish; meteorology correspondent; Slothful Times