Late Devonian Mass Extinction
as Headon thrives in Hadean Conditions

As the mercury pushed 30^oC, a strong Bathampton side converged upon the KES fields for the first Sunday fixture of the season to take on new opposition Yealm. The Devonian visitors were on the last leg of their tour and turned up slightly late and one suspects slightly hungover. Pre-match mind games were already underway as the arriving team were treated to a frankly misleading sight of Sloth fielding practice drills and a seven year old belting the ball with aggressive intent. Captain Franks won the toss for BCC and charitably put the jaded tourists straight in to field in absolutely baking conditions.

Sloth openers Hewston and O’Herlihy the Kestrel wasted no time in setting the tone, reaping 7 and 8 from the first two overs with consummate ease. The outfield was lightning, and the pitch had been baked solid. More of the same followed with both batsmen oozing class and boundaries, and it was hard to see where a wicket was going to come from. Hewston then fished at a wide one, snicked it, and kicked himself all the way back to the pavilion having scored a useful 17. Lodge, now widely reknowned as the Chris Tavare of Wales, strode out and made an immediate statement with a cover drive for four. Feeling that on merit, the Welsh were clearly over-represented in this crack Lions Sloth team, O’Herlihy fronted up for his Irish kinsmen and absolutely spanked an on-drive to the rope – a belting shot. The runs continued to climb as the boiling conditions offered no respite for the fielders or indeed the batsmen.

A change of bowler saw some good pace up the hill from Price, and immediately it paid dividends. The Kestrel was tempted into a false stroke and was snaffled having scored a belligerent 26. Freshmeat joined the fray to make the case for the Scots contingent and was very nearly done first ball as Price sent another rozzer up the hill. Discretion prevailed, and with good left-arm stuff coming down the hill too from Hendreegh, the rate slowed somewhat. Lodge retook the strike though, and sent price to the boundary in consecutive balls – a perfect square drive followed by a bang-on square cut. Frustration followed as the bowler then sent the next ball for four byes down leg. Price won in the end though, nicking Lodge’s off-stump. However, the runs conceded seemed to spell the end of Price, for which the batsmen were rather grateful. Lodge went for 28 from 22 balls and Harper rejoined the battle and batted and ran like the Harper of old. Actually, that’s tosh – he batted brilliantly like the Harper of old, but also ran extremely well between the wickets. Harper added 21 from 14; Fresh on 52 was told to retire at the end of the over, and got caught next ball. Bonder hit some boundaries but also got tied down by some good bowling; The Colonel batted like a maniac while Bonder accumulated sedately, and by the close of play 199 had been posted with extras.

A rare wicket maiden from Fresh commenced proceedings down the hill, while Colonel Mustard started from the canal end with some miserable tripe that was duly dispatched. However, unfortunately for Ant, the Colonel tightened up his act after the first over. Yealm’s no.3 biffer, J Martin (del Potro?) biffed a few until he was caught for 19. Stitson followed suit as the Colonel conjured up a wicket in his final over, much to Ant’s delight. The Wlesh Maestro and Connor then took over the mantle applying pressure with some tight bowling. On a day of a sound all-round team bowling performance, Headon’s spell was exceptional, and got better and better, his last three overs going for 3,2 and finishing with a maiden. Upon such days one is moved to verse…

Yes. I remember Headon—
The name, because one afternoon
Of heat his express-train bowling drew up
Unwontedly. It was late mid June.

The steam hissed. Someone cleared his throat.
Various batsmen left and came
On the bare wicket. What I saw
Was Headon—only the bowler

And willows, willow-herb, and grass,
And meadowsweet, and haycocks dry,
No whit less still and lonely fair
Than the high cloudlets in the sky.

And for that minute a stumpchat sang
Close by, and round him, mistier,
Farther and farther, all the birds
Of Somerset and Wiltshire.

Lodge knicked a wicket and Headon clean bowled one, and frankly could have had several more. This effectively knocked the stuffing out of the tourists, now pink in both shirt and face. Hewes and O’Herlihy then followed up with yet more pressure, a maiden from Hewes and just 2 from the Kestrel’s first overs. Hewes snicked another. This left death bowling specialists Evetts and Franks to polish off the remaining 2 overs. Ed ‘Where he?’ Evetts sent down a baffling barrage of balls and eventually elicited the exit of the hitherto obdurate N Ross for a well fought 38. Time ran out for Yealm’s chase, ending with 155 from 30 overs. In broiling conditions, a fine victory was wrapped up by the Sloths through excellent bowling pressure maintained throughout the Yealm innings. Four catches were held too – credits to Hewes and whoever else held one.

Edward Thomas
Wastrel and Sports Correspondent for the Bathampton Literary Review

Bloody fluke this, James retakes position at top of bowling stats with rank ball. Hewes, probably on steroids, reacts most un-sloth like AND holds on. What a…