Bathford vs Bathampton, Bathford, 29-04-17

Captain Franks was heard to utter ‘To be fair, we’re not likely to put on many other scores over 170 this season’ at the end of an action packed 40-over game on Saturday at Bathford’s dry ski slope. And this against what was later revealed to essentially be the home side’s 1st XI. And with only 9½ players available.

Although Bathford, on winning the toss, had elected to bat, they had so many surplus players to hand that at times one might have assumed they were fielding as well. Bolstering the still-awakening-from-hibernation Sloth ranks, Bathford rotated the supply of auxiliary fielders and umpires with such regularity that it became commonplace for the two to be confused. Meanwhile, the indigenous Sloths put on a fine display of ‘falling over near to the ball’, occasionally even stopping its trajectory short of the boundary.

Opening the bowling, Jon ‘Large’ was unfortunate to have a couple of edges defeat the eagerly awaiting Sloth fielders’ paws, whilst Houston found good line, length and variation at the other end from the off. Debutant James [insert surname here] got off to a flying start with a wicket in his first over and continued to probe throughout a fine spell, in between duties as ‘ball magnet’ at mid-off. But Bathford patiently waited for any stray deliveries and invariably found the boundary whenever these came, putting on a mighty total of well over 200 runs (no, I haven’t seen the score book).

Mention should be made of Mike ‘your match fee or your life’ Bond, valiantly throwing himself around like a man half his weight age behind the stumps and taking an improbable catch by the merest tips of his outstretched right glove (albeit having missed a sitter two overs before). Similarly, Rick ‘you should see the other guy’ Hewes remained calm beneath a lofted straight drive of sufficient altitude to cause concern to Bristol Airport’s incoming traffic, to deny Bathford what may well have otherwise been a third retirement on 50+.

But the defining feature of Sloths’ outfield exploits has to be Jonty Frith’s extraordinary pace, accuracy and single-minded ruthless determination in despatching, in record time, two hapless newly-weds. After that he was able to take to the field in time to put in a full bowling spell as well. And what a spell he cast (see what I did there?), taking – wait for it – 5, yes five, that’s FIVE wickets for… oh, I don’t know really but not many runs. And this included a trinity of wicket-maidens, one of which was itself a 3-wicket maiden!!!

Apparently, following a previous shoulder injury, Jonty has been working out and this appears to have added a little fire and brimstone to his delivery (as well as his bowling). For those wanting to emulate Jonty’s action, it may be useful to try the following exercise:

In response to Bathford’s epic total – and following a hearty tea in the hosts’ new state-of-the-art garden shed – captain Franks decided that some creative captaincy was called for. Ingeniously putting Madeye in at the outset to ‘see off the openers’, he apparently hadn’t made it clear he had meant Bathford’s openers. Sadly, we will never know what a fine innings Lodge may have crafted but he will certainly rue the day he declared ‘Neither of us has ever run the other out’.

After this shaky start, however, Harper displayed his usual guile and grit, carving beautifully timed shots behind square both to the leg- and off-side boundaries. Bond arrived at the crease with the air of a man who is not to be messed with and was clearly not intimidated by the home bowlers’ incessant barrage. Both did a fine job in building the platform for a solid and substantial innings.

In spite of this, the required run-rate continued to mount and drastic action was thus called for. Cue captain Franks, with has trademark French-Cricket stance, seemingly happy to play any ball with complete disregard for its relative merits. Suddenly the game was back on and with the run-rate creeping below 20 per over, some even began to believe that the biggest upset since – well, take your pick – may actually be on the cards.

Naturally, Franks’ free-spirited stroke play was ultimately his downfall but not before he’d made an appreciable impact. And there was still plenty of batting to come. In no particular order (I may have dozed off): Hewes, ignoring his broken body, strode manfully into the fray and swung the bat as is his wont; Howard did something or other; Newby Jim showed a straight bat and knocked-up a useful late tally; etc.

But it was Frith who, making a late appearance again, chose once more to steal the show. With only one over remaining and a goodly number of runs required, there was really nothing for Jonty to lose. Except his wicket. Which he did. Twice. In three balls.

To clarify, Bathford had suggested we allow batsmen to return for a second innings, should the entire side be dismissed. Given Sloths only had 10 men, the openers had already changed and nobody was interested in padding up, there was nothing for it but for Jonty to turn around and go back again. Twice.

Now, if there’s an award for conducting a marriage, taking 3 wicket-maidens, a five-for and being out twice – all on the same day – then Jonty may claim it fair and square. In the unlikely event such a thing does not exist, perhaps it should be created.

So it was a characteristically eventful start to a promising new season for Sloths. Bathford were later moved to contact Captain Franks in order to roundly mock him for his incompetence commend Sloths on their plucky efforts against a team of regular league players. James ‘fresher-than-fresh’ proved an invaluable acquisition and Jonty stunned everyone with his wicket tally – both with ball and bat.

Here’s to more of the same…

Richard Dakwins, Theology Correspondent, Slothful Times