vs. The Offsiders, Bathampton, 23rd April 2024

Just like that, a near-forgotten sun began to set over the pavilion, weary Sloths emerged from their hibernation and once again began gathering, awkwardly in a car park. Like prime athletes they descended down to the pavilion once the all-clear flare was lit. Eyes quickly scanned the ground and reached the gleaming BROWN (ish) wicket. Rain? What rain?! 6 months of the wet stuff had written cricket grounds off all across the country but here stood a glorious sight. All herald the unseen heroes toiling the land! (Someone, anyone, give that groundsman a medal).

Some Sloths under 4 layers of clothing and others donning bobble hats spluttered to a start and a game of cricket against The Offsiders leapt off the line. Lawrie strode down the hill, seemingly 2 feet taller than last year and put it straight down leg to begin. Oh we’re back! Brent Boult opened up the hill with his Kiwi tweaks and hit a perfect length to rattle leg stump first ball. Then apologised, he’s the full Kiwi package. Miserly bowling pinned down the Offsiders batters who repeatedly risked singles to the casual-looking new Sloth recruit in the covers. Turns out, Nash has played a bit of cricket before and regularly hurled the ball in, with accuracy, to Porridge who gleefully whipped off the bails twice (and would’ve once more if he’d have been stood where he thought he was stood).

Accurate Sloth bowling continued with fellow new recruit Ish steaming in and drawing an edge, Riccy lithely bowling a particular jaffa and Ed Jadeja Evetts strangling the scoring. Lazarus was back in his element prowling the boundary, Bonder in the slips with those bucket hands and skipper Gas Man was bowling bombs. Some spectacular swings off Nash’s dibblers added some fireworks towards the innings end, with a Porridge celebrappeal stumping and a clean-bowled off the final ball leaving Nash on a hat-trick. Maybe he’ll never play again? Emails to Andy Zaltzman for the stat on longest hat-trick please.

Set 86 to win, Porridge and Nash were sent out and chased as a Dom Sibley and Ben Duckett double act. Nash reached his retirement with a guide through the covers and then exploded with two huge hits to bring the free-swinging Will Lewis to the crease. Who duly then scored more than Porridge had and had the gusto to win the game with a six! Frozen but gleeful Sloths and great-spirited Offsiders all hurried to The George to herald in the new season.