A royal roasting…

Recipe for Roasted Sloth

Take a fair selection of youth, just enough to make it look tasty. Season with a handful of elder sloths.

Bowl your best 4 opening bowlers keeping the run rate to under 5 an over.

Bring on triple-wicket-maiden James Mc-Ringer-Williams to remove any opening batsmen.

Match should now be golden, and you may, mistakingly, think it done and dusted.

To properly roast the sloth marinade, for a couple of overs in self-smugness and over confidence before revealing your openers were in fact, lower order batsman.

Thrash intently for 10 – 15 overs before repeating process with your bowlers, starting with the pie chuckers and ending with your speed bowlers.

For optimum flavour and taint of offal, ensure said speed bowlers come on in the fading light.

Well done to Spam and Bubba, the latter discovering he can play himself in taking 6 balls to score and a further 16 to retire, the former doing so in 33 balls but like it says on the can “Fresh Meat – gone stale”….

Sloths by Name…

Not only was the constant chirrup of stumpchat behind the wickets a reassuring presence last night at KES fields but by the close of play this was the only way anyone knew where to aim the ball. To say it was ‘gloomy’ would be to do grave injustice to the powers of darkness that prevailed. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your viewpoint), the winning runs were scored in time to prevent the game’s abandonment as steady rain eventually made sense of the darkening skies.

An uncharacteristically prompt start precluded the inclusion of Chairman Franks, who was waylaid on a conference call, for a good 5 overs. Apparently he was oiling the wheels of high finance and industry that constitute today’s education system. On his reappearance, he was so aghast at the slothful run-rate instigated by Bathampton’s youthful openers that he had to be physically restrained from personally intervening.

In a bizarre reversal of roles, it fell to the ever-youthful Mike ‘shades’ Bond to get things moving. Since boundaries were in short supply, due to the consistency of Rotork bowling (and – indeed – fielding), poor old Mike had to run the equivalent of a half marathon in order to ensure some kind of total was reached. The now-anti-virus-equipped Jonny Freshmeat then made a welcome return, reminding us all what we were missing last season and helping Stumpchat to an unbeaten 25 along the way.

As Fresh remarked, however, finishing the innings with only 3 wickets down and a total not into three figures demonstrated a woeful lack of urgency and risk-taking. Truth be told, Rotork’s bowling was very good indeed and their fielding sufficiently sharp to allow them to man the boundaries. There they lurked, safe in the knowledge that 1s and 2s – amid plentiful dot balls – would not be enough for Sloths to offer them a meaningful target.

Strangely, Rotork’s opening batsmen did not share Bathampton’s inhibition toward hitting the ball over the ropes (or – in this case – between the randomly positioned flags… thanks James). There were, nonetheless, some fine bowling performances. James McSomethingorother, for the second game in succession, hit the stumps in his first over; Liam ‘Dad’s on a late shift’ Headon was accurate and penetrative; Johnny Fresh looked close to previous form and Ant ‘I’ll field over here then’ Howard took two wickets in one over, when barely able to see the stumps at the other end.

Naturally, behind said stumps was a degree of chat. Not only that but some joyous catching and whipping off of bails, both of which induced appeals that were declined but somewhat contested over a post-match Doombar. One catch behind, however, saw the batsman walking without hesitation and, though Rotork never really looked in danger of falling short, for a time it did appear they may just run out of batsmen before so doing.

Let’s be honest, the Sloth is not a beast renowned for its quickness off the mark. And this season is in its early infancy. There are optimistic signs in the addition of Jimmy Mac, the return of Stumpchat and the renaissance of Fresh. Who knows, all this may even lead to a win before the season is out.

… And if you want statistics and shit – read the frigging scorebook (…I know I haven’t).

Michael Fish; meteorology correspondent; Slothful Times

One Wedding and a Five-For

Bathford vs Bathampton, Bathford, 29-04-17

Captain Franks was heard to utter ‘To be fair, we’re not likely to put on many other scores over 170 this season’ at the end of an action packed 40-over game on Saturday at Bathford’s dry ski slope. And this against what was later revealed to essentially be the home side’s 1st XI. And with only 9½ players available.

Although Bathford, on winning the toss, had elected to bat, they had so many surplus players to hand that at times one might have assumed they were fielding as well. Bolstering the still-awakening-from-hibernation Sloth ranks, Bathford rotated the supply of auxiliary fielders and umpires with such regularity that it became commonplace for the two to be confused. Meanwhile, the indigenous Sloths put on a fine display of ‘falling over near to the ball’, occasionally even stopping its trajectory short of the boundary.

Opening the bowling, Jon ‘Large’ was unfortunate to have a couple of edges defeat the eagerly awaiting Sloth fielders’ paws, whilst Houston found good line, length and variation at the other end from the off. Debutant James [insert surname here] got off to a flying start with a wicket in his first over and continued to probe throughout a fine spell, in between duties as ‘ball magnet’ at mid-off. But Bathford patiently waited for any stray deliveries and invariably found the boundary whenever these came, putting on a mighty total of well over 200 runs (no, I haven’t seen the score book).

Mention should be made of Mike ‘your match fee or your life’ Bond, valiantly throwing himself around like a man half his weight age behind the stumps and taking an improbable catch by the merest tips of his outstretched right glove (albeit having missed a sitter two overs before). Similarly, Rick ‘you should see the other guy’ Hewes remained calm beneath a lofted straight drive of sufficient altitude to cause concern to Bristol Airport’s incoming traffic, to deny Bathford what may well have otherwise been a third retirement on 50+.

But the defining feature of Sloths’ outfield exploits has to be Jonty Frith’s extraordinary pace, accuracy and single-minded ruthless determination in despatching, in record time, two hapless newly-weds. After that he was able to take to the field in time to put in a full bowling spell as well. And what a spell he cast (see what I did there?), taking – wait for it – 5, yes five, that’s FIVE wickets for… oh, I don’t know really but not many runs. And this included a trinity of wicket-maidens, one of which was itself a 3-wicket maiden!!!

Apparently, following a previous shoulder injury, Jonty has been working out and this appears to have added a little fire and brimstone to his delivery (as well as his bowling). For those wanting to emulate Jonty’s action, it may be useful to try the following exercise:

In response to Bathford’s epic total – and following a hearty tea in the hosts’ new state-of-the-art garden shed – captain Franks decided that some creative captaincy was called for. Ingeniously putting Madeye in at the outset to ‘see off the openers’, he apparently hadn’t made it clear he had meant Bathford’s openers. Sadly, we will never know what a fine innings Lodge may have crafted but he will certainly rue the day he declared ‘Neither of us has ever run the other out’.

After this shaky start, however, Harper displayed his usual guile and grit, carving beautifully timed shots behind square both to the leg- and off-side boundaries. Bond arrived at the crease with the air of a man who is not to be messed with and was clearly not intimidated by the home bowlers’ incessant barrage. Both did a fine job in building the platform for a solid and substantial innings.

In spite of this, the required run-rate continued to mount and drastic action was thus called for. Cue captain Franks, with has trademark French-Cricket stance, seemingly happy to play any ball with complete disregard for its relative merits. Suddenly the game was back on and with the run-rate creeping below 20 per over, some even began to believe that the biggest upset since – well, take your pick – may actually be on the cards.

Naturally, Franks’ free-spirited stroke play was ultimately his downfall but not before he’d made an appreciable impact. And there was still plenty of batting to come. In no particular order (I may have dozed off): Hewes, ignoring his broken body, strode manfully into the fray and swung the bat as is his wont; Howard did something or other; Newby Jim showed a straight bat and knocked-up a useful late tally; etc.

But it was Frith who, making a late appearance again, chose once more to steal the show. With only one over remaining and a goodly number of runs required, there was really nothing for Jonty to lose. Except his wicket. Which he did. Twice. In three balls.

To clarify, Bathford had suggested we allow batsmen to return for a second innings, should the entire side be dismissed. Given Sloths only had 10 men, the openers had already changed and nobody was interested in padding up, there was nothing for it but for Jonty to turn around and go back again. Twice.

Now, if there’s an award for conducting a marriage, taking 3 wicket-maidens, a five-for and being out twice – all on the same day – then Jonty may claim it fair and square. In the unlikely event such a thing does not exist, perhaps it should be created.

So it was a characteristically eventful start to a promising new season for Sloths. Bathford were later moved to contact Captain Franks in order to roundly mock him for his incompetence commend Sloths on their plucky efforts against a team of regular league players. James ‘fresher-than-fresh’ proved an invaluable acquisition and Jonty stunned everyone with his wicket tally – both with ball and bat.

Here’s to more of the same…

Richard Dakwins, Theology Correspondent, Slothful Times

Late surge sees off Stella

There is no shame in Sloths conceding defeat when the opposing team is clearly in a different league – or, indeed, in a league at all. Yet somehow what is normally a good-natured fixture to mark the end of the season – at a pleasant ground with welcoming hosts and hearty teas – this year lacked something in the joie-de-vivre department. There was Banter aplenty from the Hampset ranks but Sloths were strangely muted as they faced the realisation that they were simply outclassed.
On a dry yet overcast day, sandwiched between heavy rains, there was little surprise to find the ball moving through the air. Fortunately for John ‘That’s a Wide’ Lodge, Hampset had opted to forego the lbw on this occasion. Otherwise he would have been dismissed first ball by a beauty, pitching on leg and straightening to undoubtedly hit the wickets were his pad not inline. The first ball of the subsequent over from the same bowler was a carbon copy and had lbw judgements been required he may have wanted other offenses to be taken into consideration.

The quality of bowling remained high from Hampset and Bathampton’s innings became one of repeated false starts. Lodge underestimated the turn of a friendly-looking lob from ‘Copey’ that pitched outside off but went on to remove same. Copey, though being out of breath from his first delivery, dismissed Bond – as he swung, rather casually, across the line – with a similar ball. Hewston, meanwhile, fell to possibly the only non self-inflicted dismissal of the innings, being well caught from a firm off drive that on another day may well have raced to the boundary.

At the more youthful end of the Sloth spectrum, things looked a little brighter, though the suicidal tendency was here to be found too. Danny O, batting at number three, lent into his shots nicely and kept things moving with well-judged ones and twos, steering the ball into gaps in the field. Will Lewis took a rather more direct approach, eschewing the sodden turf in favour of hoisting the ball into neighbouring rose beds, until his inevitable demise to a swing too far. Stumpchat worked and hussled as always, ever eager to steal an extra run, even when none was available, ultimately running himself out in the process. Hewes did the same and SDS also inflicted that fate on Madeye, before ending the innings with a sublime square cut for two runs to bring the Sloth total to 126.

There was never much doubt that in a 30-over game against strong opposition, this was not going to be a big enough total to defend. Hewes, however, found the edge several times and was unlucky not to dismiss Hampset’s opener, ‘Josh’. D’Pipe similarly induced discomfort in the batsmen but they were already finding the boundary with anything that wasn’t on the money and quickly began to build a score. Josh went on to display a full complement of strokes, hitting the ball with apparent ease to every part of the field. Copey, though a study of immobility in the foot department, deployed sheer strength and timing to do the same before Skipper John, in fitting retribution, dis-Lodged the bails (see what I did there?) as Copey swung recklessly across a straight delivery.

Danny O, took a few balls to find his line but was otherwise menacing as always. Hewston impressed with flight and turn and Yerbury probed away, desperately seeking a vital breakthrough. Nobody is ever quite sure what Stumpchat is on but he was clearly mesmerised by the flashing bails, seeking to set them into action at every opportunity. Sadly, the one time he did this while the batsman was out of his crease, he neglected to have the ball in his gloves. (Having said that, the Hampset keeper went one better, neglecting to even remove the bails when a clear run-out had been secured.)

All the while Hampset kept on scoring, often in boundaries, and the deficit evaporated in short order. Soon before the total was reached, in just 17 overs, Yerbury was heard to say that this would be the last we’ll be seeing of him on the field of play. One hopes this was borne out of frustration and that he will relent after a little R and R.
There was a poor showing in the clubhouse afterwards, with sandwiches left untouched and beer undrunk. Reconvening in the George to bid suitable farewell to what has been a season of ups and downs, it fell to just two senior Sloths to consume an appropriate quantity of alcohol for the team. Initially wrong-footed by the delivery of a ‘wrong-un’ (there was no cider on draft), SDS quickly adjusted his stance, whilst Madeye dealt swiftly with several Gems from the canal end. It was a fine innings from both players and it would be fair to say that whereas Sloths may have been beaten by Hampset, SDS comprehensively conquered Stella.

Oliver Reed, Pubs & Restaurants Critic, Slothful Times

Tea-ed up and despatched

A perfect English summer’s afternoon was the setting for the penultimate Sunday of the Sloth season. Franks, having won the toss, elected to bat, a decision which was roundly derided given the events of last year when the Sloths just ran out of time trying to bowl Priston out.

However, a solid start by Harper and Llongman suggested all might be well, before the Welsh maestro was undone by his nemesis, the 4 year old twirler who looks younger than his years. That brought together Harper and Lewis, who put on an excellent century stand, characterised by careful defence, despatching the occasional bad ball, and risible running. “Yes”, “no”, “come on”, “NO”. Then next over: “Yes”, “No – you didn’t run last time.”. etc etc.

After Harper and Lewis eventually fell for 54 and 70 respectively, Hewes came in to torment the bowlers with reverse sweeps and lovely drives, while Dan doughtily defended the first ball that so often does for him, then proceeded to bludgeon 36 off 24 balls. Clearly Dan had entered into some sort of Faustian pact, since the Devil’s attention was (for now) transferred to Mike Bond who succumbed to a first-baller.

244 seemed like it should be enough.

Pipe and Yerbury opened the bowling without luck. Then Hewes and Lewis continued the theme of bowling well without fortune smiling on them. A breakthrough seemed to have appeared after Franks made a sprawling stop, returned to Stumpchat with the batsman nowhere to be seen. Stumpchat triumphantly made to remove the bails, walked off in celebration, only to realise he hadn’t actually made contact with the stumps. Several seconds later the batsman lumbered into the crease, but by then the usually flawless wicket keeper was having an existential crisis and could no more remove the bails than go through an over silently.

Eventually Franks held on to a tumbling catch off Hewes, and there was hope. Dan then clean bowled their number 3. But there were to be no more wickets. Mike Bond so nearly pulled off an amazing catch as a tracer bullet left his fingers smoking, and Dan dropped a difficult chance in the deep off Llongman. But perhaps through over-indulgence of the ever-excellent tea, the spark just wasn’t there. As evening fell, and the only sounds were the call of the Stumpchat echoing off the nearby rectory and the occasional bleat of a local sheep, Priston got across the line with 3 balls of the final 20 remaining, having lost only the two wickets, despite some frugal death bowling from Llongman and the broken-toed Yerbury. Their opening bat, ex-Notts County footballer Thacker, (the Sloths silently mispronouncing the name as miscues evaded hands) finishing on 108 not out.

A fine game, although one that left the Sloths scratching their heads as to quite where it had gone wrong. Possible not enough toll taken from some not-particularly-threatening Priston bowling, possibly just a few too many bad balls, but probably all came back to The Wrong Decision at the start, electing to bat, when logic and common sense said field.

Rick sweeping with aplomb
Rick sweeping with aplomb
Black-power salute with dodgy shoulder
Black-power salute with dodgy shoulder
Lewis chases one down
Lewis chases one down
The agony of a missed c & b
The agony of a missed c & b
Dan in full flight
Dan in full flight
'owzat? (Not out)
‘owzat? (Not out)
Llomngman in full, err, flight
Llomngman in full, err, flight
Over-indulgence at tea
Over-indulgence at tea
Stu ensures he doesn't need to eat for a week
Stu ensures he doesn’t need to eat for a week

Mobile Hewes Overcomes

By close of play last night at Guinness’s Peasedown HQ, the field was littered with shards of DayGlo pink, like tiny fragments of embarrassment. Hard to say which team bore the bulk of this but neither left the field without some discomfort. Somehow the shining orb of lacquered plastic, laughingly referred to as ‘the ball’, appeared to induce a kind of madness in all that came into its contact and thus ensued one of the more bizarre encounters of this year’s already incident-filled cricket season.

With a couple of exceptions, the Guinness bowling was characterised by slow, wide deliveries that begged to be spanked to the boundary. Instead, a high percentage was lofted skywards in what turned into one prolonged bout of catching practice. And, contrary to the normal rules of engagement and much to the bewilderment of Sloths’ batsmen, Guinness held on to every one of the opportunities thus proffered. Of the two Sloths that managed to consistently hit the ball along the ground, one ran himself out in a suicidal dash from the non-striker’s end, whilst the other – Stu Nelson – remained not out, having run out of partners to accompany him. Stumpchat aside, the only other Sloth to make a decent impact with the bat was Will Lewis, who eventually chose the wrong boundary for an attempted six and –like the majority of his team-mates – was duly caught.

Taking to the field to defend a total of just 87, Sloths could have been forgiven for assuming the game was already lost. However, aided by some questionable umpiring that only served to galvanize the fielders’ resolve, Sloths pulled something remarkable out of the bag. Hewes, in particular, clearly wasn’t going to give up easily and opened the bowling with ferocity and accuracy to lay down a marker for the home side that this would be no easy ride. Stumphat was keen as ever to remove the bails and had a certain stumping turned down by the umpire who seemed otherwise engaged. In the next over, the same official was all but lynched as he refused the most confident of appeals for a bat-and-pad catch at leg slip. But nothing could dampen Sloths’ resolve and the wickets began to fall.

Whilst Franks and Yerbury were just too good for the batsmen, Madeye adopted Guinness’s tactic of deploying the ‘bouncing bomb’, taking no less than three wickets with balls that, in addition to most probably being wide, each bounced twice before being hoisted to awaiting fielders. Credit to Mike ‘Get off your frigging mobile’ Bond for taking the sharpest of catches for the first of these. Lewis struck the stumps twice, removing key batsmen in the process and also took a fine catch in the deep; Bond senior induced some wayward hitting from the batsmen; Bond junior also invited the batsmen to take him on and, as he so often is, was initially rewarded with dropped catches in the field. Hewes, however, was having none of this and – covering vast amounts of ground to overtake his fielding comrades in the gathering darkness – snatched two extraordinary catches in consecutive overs to seal the victory with only a handful of runs to spare.

Questions have been raised about Sloths’ on-field conduct, including an enquiry into whether it is physically possible to insert a mobile telephone into the orifice to which Mike Bond referred. Similarly, the ECB is debating whether the ‘dying Sloth’ is an appropriate form of celebration for cricketers of more mature standing. But whatever the outcome of such machinations, nobody can deny that this was a win like no other and one that will go down in the annals (no, Mike, ‘Annals’) of Sloth history as both highly improbable and hugely enjoyable.

Geoffrey Boycott, Fair-Play Analyst, Slothful Times

Bell Bottoms Turn Up

The Bell is, simply put, the best pub in Bath, great music, quality beer and some of the best company you’ll find in the South West.

Sadly they can’t play cricket.

Score book is a bloody shambles. No bowling figures at all!! It shows Ant and Rick retiring on 29 a piece, chasing a piddling 99 runs.

We did it in 12 overs (or at 12 overs the scorer lost the will to live)

Most of us then went for a drink.

In the Bell.

Ram-ifications Unclear

One has to question whether micromanagement of field placement at this level of friendly village cricket is strictly necessary. However, yesterday under darkening Bathampton skies and persistent drizzle, Ram’s captain insisted, with every bowling change – and sometimes in between – to fine tune the positioning of just about every fielder. Such was his attention to detail and desire for control that one wonders whether he also supervised his team’s post match shower (‘come on lads – don’t forget your armpits…’).

Prior to this, Ram had got off to an awkward start, stymied by the accuracy and pace of Maylor. Confounding Stumpchat’s clairvoyance, Maylor ignored Stu’s exhortation to ‘find the off stump’, instead taking out middle – but you can’t have everything. Danny O was similarly challenging, finding movement in the air and good variation of line and length to produce two wickets and as many chances for few runs. Young Frith also put in a good spell, running in with fluency and generating decent bounce from the damp wicket.

After a bumpy beginning, Ram then got into their stride, particularly attacking Sloth’s slower bowling and piling on the runs with some hefty boundaries. Danger-man Ev was dropped early in his innings as he mis-timed a drive to long off, for which Sloths were made to pay. In the absence of Ant to sledge his long-standing nemeses, Stumpchat provided a gentler commentary, pulling some hitherto unheard bon-mots from his lexicon and establishing an automotive theme, complete with wheels, brakes and quite possibly differentials (though it’s hard to pay attention after a point). But, despite Nelson’s keenness to remove the bails whenever the ball came to hand, wickets were hard to come by and the score continued to build.

In previous seasons, a target of 137 would have been about par for Sloths. However, perhaps due to the greenness of the outfield, anything over 110 has seemed, this year, to be something of a mountain to climb. Undeterred, openers Harper and Hewston set about their task with purpose and conviction, allowing few dot balls and running at every opportunity. Harper, however, fell early to an improbable catch by Ram’s youngster, James, deftly diving forward at point to snatch the ball one-handed, millimetres from the turf.

Maylor and Danny O both impressed with the bat and kept Sloths more or less on track with the required run rate. Last-minute sub Francis, whilst suffering from inadequate grip in the footwear department, also struck the ball convincingly and was bullied into stealing runs wherever possible. But it was the ever-keen Nelson who really upped the ante: sprinting between the wickets and marshalling the non-striker like…, well like a Yorkshireman who wants to win a game of cricket.

Fortunately for the Ram, the final run-chase fell to senior Sloths of a more sedate disposition. In fairness, they too managed to steal runs from every nick and edge but at this point only boundaries would suffice to reach the required total. With Ev and the ever-present skipper both bowling accurately and deceptively, these were not forthcoming and Sloths ultimately fell short of the total by a good 10 runs.

  • So the unseemly trend towards winning form has been brought under control this week. Taking –as they say – the positives:
  • Sloths’ youth policy is in good health, with the average age tumbling to an all time low.
  • Although Ram boundaries were plenty, bleating was kept to an acceptable minimum.
  • Maylor held onto his one catching opportunity.
  • When the Carlsberg refused to flow and Moles had run out, KES’s fridge was well-stocked.
  • … er…

With a leader ushering-in defeat, then absenting himself; an apparent disconnect between younger and older elements; indecision over whether to stand firm and remain in or throw the dice and risk dismissal, who knows what the future may hold? Still, it could be worse, the opposition have to grind on under the unpopular leadership of an old-school and apparently out-of-touch curmudgeon. Thank goodness we have cricket to distract us.

John Humphreys, Current Affairs Correspondent, Slothful Times

Fumbling Nelson Oversees Rollicking Rout

stu

ABOVE: Stump chat.. the man of the moment, self fumbling, handsfree, I am in awe

It is tempting to assume, when an opposition is bowled out with some 7+ overs still remaining, that a win has been created through exceptional bowling alone. However, last night’s match against Offsiders was really won before the visitors began their innings. With Sloths posting a score of 148 on a green wicket with lush, slow outfield, this was always going to be a hard target to beat.

Offsiders opened their bowling with pace, accuracy and a remarkable degree of lift from the hastily-prepared strip (there was a suspicion the KES ground staff had overlooked the fixture). From the canal end, their second opener produced so much swing that he was in constant danger of bowling wides from deliveries originally on-target for the wickets. However, Sloth openers Hewston and Harper responded with purpose and unflinching solidity, steering the ball through gaps in the field and running overthrows wherever the opportunity presented itself.

The fielding side clearly underestimated the run-rate and were surprised to see Hewston retire on 25. Harper, trying to force things along, lobbed an easy catch and Franks wasted no time getting the measure of the bowling and was clean bowled after a brief visit to the middle. Danny O was reminded that, still in his formative years, he may be needing his brain for a while yet and was made to fetch a helmet, which was just as well as his school-mate Tom then threw down some lively, short deliveries. However, the decisive blow, from Offsiders’ point of view, was the arrival of Stu ‘fumble’ Nelson, later joined by Rob the Ringer. This pair displayed a range of ‘proper’ cricket shots and running between the wickets that left fielders breathless and helpless as they escorted the ball to all areas of the boundary.

Having built a virtually unassailable platform, Sloths, replete with an embarrassment of decent bowling, did not even get as far as Franks or Howard, who under other circumstance might be called upon to save a game. Hewes made no friends in removing popular Offsiders veteran ‘Bernie’ in the first over and was rewarded by the most muted of celebrations. Danny O continued his excellent form with another brace of wickets (or was it three – who’s counting?), the highlight being the creation of a stumping chance for Nelson, who was as trigger-happy as a NYPD officer on a Harlem backstreet. Having fetched his helmet the previous ball, Nelson had whipped off the bails only to find the batsman planted in his crease. However, Dan produced the perfect follow-up, with a flighted ball that enticed the batsmen forward, enabling Stu to strike – and this time there was no question.

And who knew? It turns out Ringer Rob can bowl too! And catch. And run. And throw. And he might have got away with it too, had he not called out “cheers guys, nice to meet you, hopefully see you again” to his ‘teammates’ as he departed after the match – right in front of the recovering opposition. But nobody seemed to mind. Wickets tumbled, catches were held – including the dismissal of Offsiders’ disconsolate skipper, caught behind by Nelson, managing to simultaneously pleasure himself and retrieve a fumbled catch apparently from somewhere in the box region (and I don’t mean the town in Wiltshire).

Then it was all over too soon (the match, not the self-pleasuring). A late onslaught by Offsiders’ wicketkeeper and their returning retiree showed what perhaps might have been but it was too little too late. Appropriately, the final wicket fell to NYPD Nelson’s second stumping of the match and an early visit to the bar was well earned.

So, were the Sloth info-graphic to be updated, it would show the recent slump to have been curtailed. With only a handful of games left in the season – and a diminishing supply of ringers upon which to call, will Sloths come out on top? Can a team be found in time for tonight’s fixture against The Bell? Will Johnny Fetidmeat recover in time for a late appearance before season’s end? Will Priston’s teas live up to expectations? Who knows? Who cares? I’m off to get to the Eurotunnel before Boris and Nigel have it in-filled.

Jean-Claude Juncker, European Correspondent, Slothful Times

Sloths RemaIN Firm, Invoking Bearexit

For the past two weeks, the skies over Bathampton have cried tears of despair, preventing Slothful activity of any significance. But yesterday the KES forum was bathed in rays of sunshine, creating a glimmer of hope that normality may somehow be restored. Conditions were thus conducive to lively debate as the BS party faithful convened in an attempt to thwart a hostile takeover bid by the far-right BFD.

Campaigning got underway with a heartening lack of negative tactics, BFD looking to score points from every exchange. Young activist Danny O, however, found holes in their argument, flooring two of their opening speakers with erudition and aided by the quick-witted intervention of Hewston on the back benches. BFD continually tried to press-home their points but Sloths presented a unified front under the firm coalition leadership of Longman and Bond.

Light relief was provided by Chairman Franks, launching a Dennis-Skinner-like barrage, one moment frivolous, the next incisive – bamboozling the opposition into acquiescence and providing his own side with both amusement and celebration. Questions were also posed by elder-statesmen Bond Senior and Norman –St.John-Dalley-Smith, to which the BFD membership had no real answers. Constantly probed by Secretary for Defence Stu ‘the line is mine’ Nelson, BFD became agitated and revealed a lack of any meaningful plan. By the recess, opinion polls showed them to have scored poorly and optimism was abroad that BS would be able to hold firm.

From the front benches, Longman led by example – eloquently driving home his points before making room for wider debate. There was a minor revolt as Ant ‘no-relation’ Howard performed a Johnsonesque switch of allegiance, having originally claimed to want no part in the proceedings. However, his contribution made little impact on the overall outcome and his rhetoric was all but swept aside by the lower-order BS rank and file.

Some younger party members were defeated by their own arguments; both Bond Junior and Lewis-The-Younger being ejected from the chamber after taking ill-advised swipes at the opposition. Nelson, however, was straight-talking as ever and paved the way for BS to win the day with irrefutable logic and a couple of hefty late blows from ‘Lefty’ Hewes. BS’s bid to remain as the incumbent party indeed held firm and they ended the day with a clear majority.

Questions were later asked in the second chamber: what has happened to the honourable member for Trumpton North, Lewis-The-Elder? And on the subject of members (honourable or otherwise), where has The (incessant) Speaker KTP been putting his? And can the absence of these two be related? Will the long-awaited Frith-off finally take place this weekend and, if so, will any outcome need to be ratified by a meeting of the Synod? Sloths’ political and legal advisors will be working feverishly behind the scenes to provide a full report as quickly as possible: apparently a Mr Chilcot is heading the investigations, so no doubt a conclusion will be reached very soon.

Nick Robinson, Political Editor, Slothful Times
(match photography courtesy of Slotherazzi)

Bear Flat Dads complaint over stump chat justified…

BFD StumpChat

BFD StumpChat2

SLOTH BOWLING…

The dan o….

BFD DARKO

BFD4

The franks…

BFD2

BFD3

the lodge…

BFD5LODGE

the mad-EYE…

BFD MAdders2

madders

THE SDS…

BFDSDS