Sloths RemaIN Firm, Invoking Bearexit

For the past two weeks, the skies over Bathampton have cried tears of despair, preventing Slothful activity of any significance. But yesterday the KES forum was bathed in rays of sunshine, creating a glimmer of hope that normality may somehow be restored. Conditions were thus conducive to lively debate as the BS party faithful convened in an attempt to thwart a hostile takeover bid by the far-right BFD.

Campaigning got underway with a heartening lack of negative tactics, BFD looking to score points from every exchange. Young activist Danny O, however, found holes in their argument, flooring two of their opening speakers with erudition and aided by the quick-witted intervention of Hewston on the back benches. BFD continually tried to press-home their points but Sloths presented a unified front under the firm coalition leadership of Longman and Bond.

Light relief was provided by Chairman Franks, launching a Dennis-Skinner-like barrage, one moment frivolous, the next incisive – bamboozling the opposition into acquiescence and providing his own side with both amusement and celebration. Questions were also posed by elder-statesmen Bond Senior and Norman –St.John-Dalley-Smith, to which the BFD membership had no real answers. Constantly probed by Secretary for Defence Stu ‘the line is mine’ Nelson, BFD became agitated and revealed a lack of any meaningful plan. By the recess, opinion polls showed them to have scored poorly and optimism was abroad that BS would be able to hold firm.

From the front benches, Longman led by example – eloquently driving home his points before making room for wider debate. There was a minor revolt as Ant ‘no-relation’ Howard performed a Johnsonesque switch of allegiance, having originally claimed to want no part in the proceedings. However, his contribution made little impact on the overall outcome and his rhetoric was all but swept aside by the lower-order BS rank and file.

Some younger party members were defeated by their own arguments; both Bond Junior and Lewis-The-Younger being ejected from the chamber after taking ill-advised swipes at the opposition. Nelson, however, was straight-talking as ever and paved the way for BS to win the day with irrefutable logic and a couple of hefty late blows from ‘Lefty’ Hewes. BS’s bid to remain as the incumbent party indeed held firm and they ended the day with a clear majority.

Questions were later asked in the second chamber: what has happened to the honourable member for Trumpton North, Lewis-The-Elder? And on the subject of members (honourable or otherwise), where has The (incessant) Speaker KTP been putting his? And can the absence of these two be related? Will the long-awaited Frith-off finally take place this weekend and, if so, will any outcome need to be ratified by a meeting of the Synod? Sloths’ political and legal advisors will be working feverishly behind the scenes to provide a full report as quickly as possible: apparently a Mr Chilcot is heading the investigations, so no doubt a conclusion will be reached very soon.

Nick Robinson, Political Editor, Slothful Times
(match photography courtesy of Slotherazzi)