ABOVE: Stump chat.. the man of the moment, self fumbling, handsfree, I am in awe

It is tempting to assume, when an opposition is bowled out with some 7+ overs still remaining, that a win has been created through exceptional bowling alone. However, last night’s match against Offsiders was really won before the visitors began their innings. With Sloths posting a score of 148 on a green wicket with lush, slow outfield, this was always going to be a hard target to beat.

Offsiders opened their bowling with pace, accuracy and a remarkable degree of lift from the hastily-prepared strip (there was a suspicion the KES ground staff had overlooked the fixture). From the canal end, their second opener produced so much swing that he was in constant danger of bowling wides from deliveries originally on-target for the wickets. However, Sloth openers Hewston and Harper responded with purpose and unflinching solidity, steering the ball through gaps in the field and running overthrows wherever the opportunity presented itself.

The fielding side clearly underestimated the run-rate and were surprised to see Hewston retire on 25. Harper, trying to force things along, lobbed an easy catch and Franks wasted no time getting the measure of the bowling and was clean bowled after a brief visit to the middle. Danny O was reminded that, still in his formative years, he may be needing his brain for a while yet and was made to fetch a helmet, which was just as well as his school-mate Tom then threw down some lively, short deliveries. However, the decisive blow, from Offsiders’ point of view, was the arrival of Stu ‘fumble’ Nelson, later joined by Rob the Ringer. This pair displayed a range of ‘proper’ cricket shots and running between the wickets that left fielders breathless and helpless as they escorted the ball to all areas of the boundary.

Having built a virtually unassailable platform, Sloths, replete with an embarrassment of decent bowling, did not even get as far as Franks or Howard, who under other circumstance might be called upon to save a game. Hewes made no friends in removing popular Offsiders veteran ‘Bernie’ in the first over and was rewarded by the most muted of celebrations. Danny O continued his excellent form with another brace of wickets (or was it three – who’s counting?), the highlight being the creation of a stumping chance for Nelson, who was as trigger-happy as a NYPD officer on a Harlem backstreet. Having fetched his helmet the previous ball, Nelson had whipped off the bails only to find the batsman planted in his crease. However, Dan produced the perfect follow-up, with a flighted ball that enticed the batsmen forward, enabling Stu to strike – and this time there was no question.

And who knew? It turns out Ringer Rob can bowl too! And catch. And run. And throw. And he might have got away with it too, had he not called out “cheers guys, nice to meet you, hopefully see you again” to his ‘teammates’ as he departed after the match – right in front of the recovering opposition. But nobody seemed to mind. Wickets tumbled, catches were held – including the dismissal of Offsiders’ disconsolate skipper, caught behind by Nelson, managing to simultaneously pleasure himself and retrieve a fumbled catch apparently from somewhere in the box region (and I don’t mean the town in Wiltshire).

Then it was all over too soon (the match, not the self-pleasuring). A late onslaught by Offsiders’ wicketkeeper and their returning retiree showed what perhaps might have been but it was too little too late. Appropriately, the final wicket fell to NYPD Nelson’s second stumping of the match and an early visit to the bar was well earned.

So, were the Sloth info-graphic to be updated, it would show the recent slump to have been curtailed. With only a handful of games left in the season – and a diminishing supply of ringers upon which to call, will Sloths come out on top? Can a team be found in time for tonight’s fixture against The Bell? Will Johnny Fetidmeat recover in time for a late appearance before season’s end? Will Priston’s teas live up to expectations? Who knows? Who cares? I’m off to get to the Eurotunnel before Boris and Nigel have it in-filled.

Jean-Claude Juncker, European Correspondent, Slothful Times