June 16, 2017May 3, 2018

Bathford Nafbowling Blownaparte by Nelson’s Heavy Firepower

Napoleon once said ‘La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid’. Nelson, who got an E in GCSE French because he spent revision time in the nets, didn’t understand what on earth he was on about. Peu importe one might say having witnessed the admirable display of prowess by the young Nelson at Bathford on what was a perfect mid-summer’s evening at Bathford.

The away venue proved a difficulty for most of the selected team, as tardy Sloth texted fellow tardy Sloth variously noting that they would be late. With Edwards at home nursing his groin following his exploits the evening before*, the team on paper was down to 8 players. Strong leadership was going to be required in the face of such a paucity of players. Alas the leadership, aka Chairman Franks, was also ‘going to be a little bit late’. Fortunately, James ‘the Colonel’ McWilliam turned up to bolster the Sloth ranks to a starting 8 with the promise of more to come. Difficult to imagine that this would be sufficient against a full Bathford XI, but the sky was blue, the sun was out, and Madigan was nowhere to be seen – spirits were high among the Sloth contingent.

I imagine it was a mutual decision to put the Sloths into bat to give latecomers a chance of arriving, but being late, I’ve no idea. Opening the innings was the responsibility of Nelson and Headon Snr, the latter’s groin having made a miraculous recovery since Sunday following extensive deep tissue massaging, so I am told. All started quietly – a few byes, a leave outside off, a few jogged singles, a boundary. The bowlers then started to err in line, length and footing, and extras started to push the score up more rapidly than one might have expected. A few more boundaries from Nelson and Headon – the batsmen were getting the measure of the pitch. Then, without warning, Nelson launched Muson for a mighty straight drive six over mid-on. But contention ensued as the fielders claimed that it had not cleared the boundary, and the tension rose between fielding team, the home umpire and the visiting umpire.

As Muson reprised his bowling, the first ball went for a two and Nelson was told that he was to retire at the end of the over. Most Sloths worth their salt would defend/leave the next five balls and retire with their stats intact. The admirable Nelson eschewed this vice, and played the next five deliveries like the love-child of Viv Richards and AB De Villiers – 2, 6, 6, 6, 4. The second 6 was enormous again over mid-on, and the third was into the field. To add to the extraordinary drama, the square-leg Sloth umpire called no-ball to two of those deliveries, only to be dismissed by the home umpire. Some pedantry then ensued about the regulations of cricket, the difference between ICC and MCC laws and so on and so forth – unperturbed by this side-show, Nelson strode off retired on 47, and the score ratcheting up quickly.

Nelson’s success and some very slow bowling indeed had the Sloth confidence high, and a desire to deal only in boundaries seemed to grip the lower ranks. Bond came, spanked a four and went. Hewes came, spanked a four and went. Connor came, spanked two fours and went. Lewis came, spanked a four and went. Howard just came and left. The Colonel spanked 3 fours, and went. And all the while Headon Snr pottered along sensibly and nicely at the other end, blending boundaries with well judged singles. 16 overs into proceedings and no Chairman to be seen (having texted to say he was just leaving Portsmouth at 12 minutes to 6), so Nelson went back out to rejoin his opening partner. Some better bowling had been kept back, so a more sedate pace was adopted, and by the time Nelson was bowled, there were 170 runs on the board, and 2 balls left in the 20 overs. Magnificent stuff from Nelson and Headon Snr, with extras the other significant total.

Bathford kindly donated three fielders, all of whom were not only quality fielders, but also were very animatedly sledging their own batsmen and rejoining all wicket-taking celebrations. In the face of this and an imposing total, the home side imploded not surprisingly. The Colonel opened with his military medium, and once more did the batsman with an excellent slower ball in a carbon-copy of a dismissal the day previous. However, the square-leg umpires call of no-ball this time was accepted and no wicket given. Could have gone either way, but Howard, in a statistical sub-plot, shed no tears for the unfortunate Colonel. The irrepressible opener struck back though and bowled the geezer out. Connor bowled very well for three overs, and clean bowled another. Stumpchat took a fantastic catch standing up to Matt Headon (off a full run-up) and the home side were in trouble. Howard forced another two wickets; Bonder got one out with the leg-side trap. With the game as good as up, all sorts of shenanigans going were on in the field – Howard and Hewes using the natural topography to play hide and seek; wicket keepers bowling; bowlers wicket-keeping; and pacemen attempting leg-spin. Fielding plaudits to Bonder with some fantastic stops, the Colonel back to his normal capable self in the field (although there was one crass spillage I recall…), and all fielders lent to us by Bathford, all of whom were excellent. All out for 85, the locals had been powerless in the face of the full Nelson

As the summer evening was cooling and the sun was descending, the adrenaline of victory subsided and the mood became more reflective. Why was 12 minutes insufficient for Chancellor Franks to make it from Portsmouth to Bathford? How can Ant doctor the figures to ensure that he remains top wicket taker without it being noticed? Why are groin injuries becoming so commonplace amongst the middle-aged Sloths? Where was Kev? Who cared?

Handunnettige Deepthi Priyantha Kumar Dharmasena, ICC Umpire

*(refer to Guinness match report)

June 16, 2017May 3, 2018

Fresh Guinness proves hard to swallow for Sloths

Following a victory over the Railway Taveners on Friday night, old foes Guiness turned up at the KES sportsfield on Tuesday with a suspiciously youthful looking team. Howard took up the mantle of leadership, attended the toss in the middle, lost it and realizing that a tough evening was in the offing, promptly nominated Freshmeat for captaincy while the latter was dropping the kids off at the pool. A shrewd move as it turns out.

The Sloth team was a blend of youth and experience with Yerbury, Bond and Harper providing the experience, and James ‘The Colonel’ Mustard McWilliam (see below), Cam, Connor and Liam providing the youth. Howard, Lewis, Hewes and Edwards provided the embittered and squeezed middle, long past their youth, but with no prospect of a peaceful retirement.

Leading wicket taker The Colonel was asked to open the bowling down the slope, with Liam coming up from the canal end. The Guinness openers set out their stall early and started with intent, despite some pretty good bowling. The first batsman was bowled by Liam (actually, I can’t remember who got him), and the talented Guinness number 3 stepped up. The Colonel gave him a long hop first ball which was spanked straight to square leg, where Cam Bond dropped an ankle-high dipper, somewhat hindered by his slow-recovering ACL. A few boundaries later the Colonel then pulled off a super slower ball and flummoxed the Guinness bosher into a massive top edge swipe, the resulting steepler snaffled one-handed at backward square.

What followed was some good aggressive batting, and despite some good bowling throughout, the score mounted quickly. The only notable highlights for the fielding team were a dropped catch (The Colonel), another dropped catch (The Colonel) and a rank misfield (The Colonel). Bowling credits to Liam, Yerbs, Hewes and Edwards. Connor found his line and length to look dangerous, but sadly only for his last two balls. Harper took some tap but responded well with a change to round the wicket being rewarded, bowling the batsman. By the end, Guinness had scored 145 with some fine power hitting around the park.

Sloths were encouraged to adopt an all-out attack to try to chase a good total. The first over was pretty wild with various wides and no balls, so Hewes waited until the first ball of the second over before whacking the first 6. Lots of good running and a straight drive took 12 from the over. By the time Freshmeat retired in over number 4, the Guinness opening bowler had been spanked for 30 from 2 overs, and the fielders were making our fielding look good. However, the bowling became rather better as the innings progressed. Hewes and Edwards batted well, the latter with poise and confidence until he pulled his groin. Once they had perished sloth after sloth fell on their sword swinging. Each time a few boundaries were stitched together, another wicket would fall. Harper hit some nice shots in a good partnership with Bonder Snr; the Colonel wasted no time in swinging hard; and Connor’s running was exemplary, sneaking runs all over the shop. The required run rate crept up though, and while the Sloth resources were dwindling, the bowling kept improving and 29 was required from the final over. Yerbury opined that the best thing he could do was to get out immediately and allow the retired captain to go back in. Presaging the wicket of Conner, Yerbs duly walked out and executed that plan with military efficiency, and one golden duck later, the captain went out and down with his sinking ship, castled last ball of the innings.

117 was scored by the Sloths in a brave but ultimately fated run-chase against what has to be said was a very strong batting and bowling performance from the visitors. It was a fine effort against a good team. Post-match entertainment involved the nursing of groins; a very interesting discussion about trays, their uses, pros and cons and where they can be procured; the benefits of lentil and rice at lunchtime; a rather questionable mustard-coloured sweater; and the dishing out of abuse to The Colonel – the traditional Sloth approach to making new players feel welcome.

June 16, 2017May 3, 2018

Railway Taverners get onto the wagon and go off the rails…

The biggest cricket match of the weekend took place on Friday night in Bathampton as the locals welcomed back the roving Railway Taverners. An independent observer would actually have seen the North London tourists welcome the Sloths to their own Bathampton grounds as the locals applied their usual low standards of timeliness. In a bid for a first victory over BCC, the Taveners had strategically eschewed their usual hungover state for this fixture. Not only that, but they had also displayed a concerning level of application by turning up for a pre-match nets session.

By 6.15 the Sloths had assembled a quorum containing a good number of Headons. Headon Snr was carrying a groin strain, perhaps unsurprising noting the enormous brood of smaller Headons in tow. The coin toss was won by acting captain Fresh, and the tourists were put in to bat. Dan ‘the Kestrel’ O’Herlihy was given the new cherry and bowled with aplum (sic) down the hill. Mm. Taking inspiration from Pakistan’s massively unsuccessful strategy against India in the Champions Trophy, spin was used early with Hewston opening from the canal end. It looked like a coup when Tav opener Andy P nicked a ripper third ball, but Bonder had other ideas, palming it round the corner like Joe Hart (in his dreams). Regulation sloth cricket one might think. But Headon Snr nursing his crocked crotch at slip had other ideas and dropped to his right and plucked the ball one handed for a quite outstanding catch.

The Kestrel bowled another beauty of an over, getting past the edge of the bat regularly, and by the time Hewston had finished, only 13 runs had been scored. Continuing the pace down, spin up strategy, Howard and Headon Jnr Jnr (Liam) took over. A trap was laid for the leg-flick that was apparent from both batsmen and Tavener Simon flicked Howard’s first ball straight into the hovering Kestrel’s predatory beak. Not content with this outbreak of actual cricket, Howard blitzed the stumps with the next ball, with Aymon retiring for a golden duck. Dot. Dot. A double wicket maiden beckoned…but a rank leg side long-hop was gratefully sent to the boundary by skipper Greg to settle the visitors nerves. But alas for him Howard had got himself stuck in some sort of parallel universe and in a reversal of his normal approach, showed the rank long-hop to be the exception, and bowled out the captain next ball with a cracker. At the other end, Headon Jnr Jnr bowled with serious guile and intent and restricted run scoring. Headon Jnr Snr took over from Howard, whilst Headon Jnr Jnr was replaced by Headon Snr. Got it? Good stuff from both, although it was noted that off the short run-up, Headon Snr’s groin issue was preventing his usual penetration.

New Sloth Tom Edwards turned up at about 7.15, demonstrating sloth timekeeping from the off and took over from stand-in Chairman Franks. The livewire AJ meanwhile turned up for the visitors at the crease and played a great innings along with the recalcitrant opener Dom, still holding out. Lodge and Edwards kept it tight and 73 had been scored from 16. The last four saw a run-out, a golden duck for old friendly foe Tony the Duck (and the reinstatement of the duck hat in the field), a fine maiden from Hewes and a final total of 94 for the Taveners.

This proved tough to defend as Sloth openers took the initiative and having scored 52 of the runs from 36 balls, they made way for Edwards and Headon Jnr Snr who ticked along well until Headon was castled by Tony. Bathampton’s overseas player Lodge then stepped up and produced an astonishing display of timing and shot selection – both utterly appalling. This resulted in more dots than a Morse code translation of the entire works of Dylan Thomas. Unfortunately, this seemed to be contagious as Edwards joined in the dot-to-dot craze. The middle 5 overs saw 9 runs scored – credit to Greg and Simon for some tight bowling. Edwards then remembered how to play again, and slashed a couple of boundaries to concluded the proceedings.

Post-match entertainment involved a few sharpeners, Bonder extracting payment through a policy of fear and threat, a full pitch search for a missing wedding ring (sadly not apparent but if anyone spots one, let us know) and dishing out abuse to Lodgey. Thanks to Chairman Franks for fielding in lieu of Tom for an hour or so, and to Tom for washing up in the bar. We look forward to welcoming the Taveners back next year. Sobriety, as philosopher Montaigne once said, is overrated when playing T20 cricket on a Friday evening. We would strongly recommend a more socially liberal policy involving much more pre-match booze and a return to their more customary hungover state.

Michel Yyqem de Montaigne, Philosopher, Essay-writer and T20 Enthusiast

June 3, 2017May 3, 2018

Sloths Thwart Dads

Record-Breaking Sloths Thwart Dads Renaissance

Famously, there has only ever been one recorded ‘Dads’ victory against Bathampton Sloths. However, the team fielded by ‘turncoat’ Tom Hardy yesterday at KES was generally recognised to be among the strongest to date. Fortunately for the hosts, it just happened that the scraped-together 11 of Sloth walking wounded featured a formidable line-up of quality batting. And many of those are no slouch with the ball either.

In a gesture of goodwill to the less practiced Dads – and having ascertained his injured and swollen hand would barely squeeze into a wicket-keeper’s glove – Stumpchat posted himself on the boundary. However, rather than rendering him inaudible this only served to make him even less comprehendible. Thus, the familiar running commentary took on a somewhat surreal, dream-like quality and it was left to Bonder to invoke the ‘magic ball’.

First, though, it was Sloth’s duty to set a target for Dads to essay. It would be uncharitable to suggest Rich Houston willed the early dismissal of senior-partner Lodge. However, there was no mistaking his glee at then having a partner – in Laurie Maylor – with whom he could run every nick, steer and fumble. And run they did, even managing four to the longest boundary before the ball was returned.

Which is not to say the Dads’ fielding was sloppy: far from it. Although not all Dads managed to bowl, those that did were largely accurate and testing. Several times, Rich and Laurie had to check their shots as the ball came through more slowly than anticipated from the recently-dampened turf. But both were seeing the ball well and largely finding the middle of the bat to good effect.

And so, a good, ‘proper’ contest ensued: Hewston, Maylor and Fresh all retiring and runs piling on as Danny O eschewed unnecessary effort in favour of clattering every third ball to the boundary. Memory fails me as to the details but Bonder must have featured in the runs as well and ‘Wides’ had a good showing too in bringing the final Sloth total to a whopping (possibly record-breaking) 174 from 20 overs.

You should really never say ‘never’ but for a scratch Dads side to make anything like this total would have been nigh-on miraculous. However, with a one-legged Bond junior hobbling around at slip, a one-handed Stumpchat twittering on the boundary and many of the team firmly into middle age, they fancied giving it a good go. Sloth fielders were thus treated to some elegant stroke play from regular league player Darren Barnes and also a gutsy performance from apparently-irregular-cricketer Tom. Both have intimated they may soon join the Slothful ranks, for which a degree of rejoicing must be in order.

There were a couple of questionable decisions where run-outs and stumpings were concerned. However, keeper Bond was uncharacteristically forthright in his defence of said decisions. Indeed, he went as far as to suggest those fielding in the deep didn’t know what the %^&)”@~ *!£? they were talking about. What else? Maylor bowled quickly. Hewston slowly. Franks somewhere in between. Bond junior off one leg. And Fresh marked out a run-up of such length he only had the energy to walk most of the way in. The usual stuff. ( I haven’t seen the score book and was drinking cider at the time.)

Dads managed a commendable 120-something and the whole thing was jolly splendid, really. A great score from Sloths against actually very good bowling and sharp fielding. And a solid defence of that total. Skipper Franks showed excellent sense of priority by leaving the field to man the bar during Dads’ innings. And a large crowd of mums, offspring and sundry friends/relatives largely ignored the whole thing. Pretty much everything you could ask for from this historic fixture. Except, of course, a Dads’ win… now did I mention that happened one time?

Michael Gove, Education Correspondent, Slothful Times

June 1, 2017May 3, 2018

Think of a Report

Having only witnessed the dying overs of what was evidently a hotly contested fixture at KES Fields on Tuesday evening, I can only imagine what had led to this tense showdown. Suffice to say that the Sloth infographic will now need to be reconfigured to allow space for the plummeting trajectory of the win/loss line.

Jonty managed to consolidate his batting average with a further duck. In fairness, Jimmy Mac, still basking in the glory of a 3-wicket maiden (yes, indeed) was not unduly exercised by the notion of backing up his main rival at the top of the bowling charts. Rick Yerbury put in an early bid for this year’s Mr Angry award, also run-out, having declared ‘I’m not bloody running everything’ before taking to the crease and remaining true to his word.

Stumpchat bullied and cajoled a succession of batting partners, taking runs where none was offered and mostly getting away with it too. Luckily, this was a moonlit fixture and Royal Oak’s strategy of providing day-glo stumps and illuminating bails helped nobody. Day-glo relies, of course, on day-light and the bails remain dark until struck, so this plan was flawed from the start. Having said that, leaving their medium-quick bowlers to the last overs was possibly not entirely within the spirit of the fixture.

Apparently, earlier in the game, one of the Royal Oak fielders had tried to catch the ball using his eyebrow and was subsequently whisked away to the RUH for emergency sitting-in-a-waiting-room. This left them two players down (another had to drive the patient), which meant overs needed to be made up. Oak’s main attack bowlers generously offered to fill the void, ensuring the 36 needed from the final 4 overs was never likely to be reached.

But there’s plenty to cheer. Chiefly, James McThingumybob’s three wickets in four balls in his first over. That’s the second 3-wicket maiden for Sloths in just three games (the other from Jonty ‘Schwartzenegger’ Frith) and moves have already been made behind the scenes to ensure James is unemployable anywhere outside the Bathampton area. Also, Johnny Fresh’s return to form with a

retirement on 25+, so too Laurie ‘not throwing’ Maylor, gives cause for cautious optimism. I’ve no idea what either innings was like but one can only imagine they were both magnificent.

Whilst three losses in three games is possibly not the ideal start to a season, all have been entertaining and eventful encounters. There have been some outstanding individual performances* and, who knows, maybe at some point Sloths will manage to deliver as a team. Just imagine…

*Speaking of performances, if you are wondering about the significance of this week’s title, take a look at this: www.thinkofasong.com (yes it’s a shameless plug but nobody pays me for this shit). See you there.

Marina Abramovic, Performance Analyst, Slothful Times

May 12, 2017May 3, 2018

A royal roasting…

Recipe for Roasted Sloth

Take a fair selection of youth, just enough to make it look tasty. Season with a handful of elder sloths.

Bowl your best 4 opening bowlers keeping the run rate to under 5 an over.

Bring on triple-wicket-maiden James Mc-Ringer-Williams to remove any opening batsmen.

Match should now be golden, and you may, mistakingly, think it done and dusted.

To properly roast the sloth marinade, for a couple of overs in self-smugness and over confidence before revealing your openers were in fact, lower order batsman.

Thrash intently for 10 – 15 overs before repeating process with your bowlers, starting with the pie chuckers and ending with your speed bowlers.

For optimum flavour and taint of offal, ensure said speed bowlers come on in the fading light.

Well done to Spam and Bubba, the latter discovering he can play himself in taking 6 balls to score and a further 16 to retire, the former doing so in 33 balls but like it says on the can “Fresh Meat – gone stale”….

May 5, 2017May 3, 2018

Sloths by Name…

Not only was the constant chirrup of stumpchat behind the wickets a reassuring presence last night at KES fields but by the close of play this was the only way anyone knew where to aim the ball. To say it was ‘gloomy’ would be to do grave injustice to the powers of darkness that prevailed. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your viewpoint), the winning runs were scored in time to prevent the game’s abandonment as steady rain eventually made sense of the darkening skies.

An uncharacteristically prompt start precluded the inclusion of Chairman Franks, who was waylaid on a conference call, for a good 5 overs. Apparently he was oiling the wheels of high finance and industry that constitute today’s education system. On his reappearance, he was so aghast at the slothful run-rate instigated by Bathampton’s youthful openers that he had to be physically restrained from personally intervening.

In a bizarre reversal of roles, it fell to the ever-youthful Mike ‘shades’ Bond to get things moving. Since boundaries were in short supply, due to the consistency of Rotork bowling (and – indeed – fielding), poor old Mike had to run the equivalent of a half marathon in order to ensure some kind of total was reached. The now-anti-virus-equipped Jonny Freshmeat then made a welcome return, reminding us all what we were missing last season and helping Stumpchat to an unbeaten 25 along the way.

As Fresh remarked, however, finishing the innings with only 3 wickets down and a total not into three figures demonstrated a woeful lack of urgency and risk-taking. Truth be told, Rotork’s bowling was very good indeed and their fielding sufficiently sharp to allow them to man the boundaries. There they lurked, safe in the knowledge that 1s and 2s – amid plentiful dot balls – would not be enough for Sloths to offer them a meaningful target.

Strangely, Rotork’s opening batsmen did not share Bathampton’s inhibition toward hitting the ball over the ropes (or – in this case – between the randomly positioned flags… thanks James). There were, nonetheless, some fine bowling performances. James McSomethingorother, for the second game in succession, hit the stumps in his first over; Liam ‘Dad’s on a late shift’ Headon was accurate and penetrative; Johnny Fresh looked close to previous form and Ant ‘I’ll field over here then’ Howard took two wickets in one over, when barely able to see the stumps at the other end.

Naturally, behind said stumps was a degree of chat. Not only that but some joyous catching and whipping off of bails, both of which induced appeals that were declined but somewhat contested over a post-match Doombar. One catch behind, however, saw the batsman walking without hesitation and, though Rotork never really looked in danger of falling short, for a time it did appear they may just run out of batsmen before so doing.

Let’s be honest, the Sloth is not a beast renowned for its quickness off the mark. And this season is in its early infancy. There are optimistic signs in the addition of Jimmy Mac, the return of Stumpchat and the renaissance of Fresh. Who knows, all this may even lead to a win before the season is out.

… And if you want statistics and shit – read the frigging scorebook (…I know I haven’t).

Michael Fish; meteorology correspondent; Slothful Times

May 2, 2017May 3, 2018

One Wedding and a Five-For

Bathford vs Bathampton, Bathford, 29-04-17

Captain Franks was heard to utter ‘To be fair, we’re not likely to put on many other scores over 170 this season’ at the end of an action packed 40-over game on Saturday at Bathford’s dry ski slope. And this against what was later revealed to essentially be the home side’s 1st XI. And with only 9½ players available.

Although Bathford, on winning the toss, had elected to bat, they had so many surplus players to hand that at times one might have assumed they were fielding as well. Bolstering the still-awakening-from-hibernation Sloth ranks, Bathford rotated the supply of auxiliary fielders and umpires with such regularity that it became commonplace for the two to be confused. Meanwhile, the indigenous Sloths put on a fine display of ‘falling over near to the ball’, occasionally even stopping its trajectory short of the boundary.

Opening the bowling, Jon ‘Large’ was unfortunate to have a couple of edges defeat the eagerly awaiting Sloth fielders’ paws, whilst Houston found good line, length and variation at the other end from the off. Debutant James [insert surname here] got off to a flying start with a wicket in his first over and continued to probe throughout a fine spell, in between duties as ‘ball magnet’ at mid-off. But Bathford patiently waited for any stray deliveries and invariably found the boundary whenever these came, putting on a mighty total of well over 200 runs (no, I haven’t seen the score book).

Mention should be made of Mike ‘your match fee or your life’ Bond, valiantly throwing himself around like a man half his weight age behind the stumps and taking an improbable catch by the merest tips of his outstretched right glove (albeit having missed a sitter two overs before). Similarly, Rick ‘you should see the other guy’ Hewes remained calm beneath a lofted straight drive of sufficient altitude to cause concern to Bristol Airport’s incoming traffic, to deny Bathford what may well have otherwise been a third retirement on 50+.

But the defining feature of Sloths’ outfield exploits has to be Jonty Frith’s extraordinary pace, accuracy and single-minded ruthless determination in despatching, in record time, two hapless newly-weds. After that he was able to take to the field in time to put in a full bowling spell as well. And what a spell he cast (see what I did there?), taking – wait for it – 5, yes five, that’s FIVE wickets for… oh, I don’t know really but not many runs. And this included a trinity of wicket-maidens, one of which was itself a 3-wicket maiden!!!

Apparently, following a previous shoulder injury, Jonty has been working out and this appears to have added a little fire and brimstone to his delivery (as well as his bowling). For those wanting to emulate Jonty’s action, it may be useful to try the following exercise:

In response to Bathford’s epic total – and following a hearty tea in the hosts’ new state-of-the-art garden shed – captain Franks decided that some creative captaincy was called for. Ingeniously putting Madeye in at the outset to ‘see off the openers’, he apparently hadn’t made it clear he had meant Bathford’s openers. Sadly, we will never know what a fine innings Lodge may have crafted but he will certainly rue the day he declared ‘Neither of us has ever run the other out’.

After this shaky start, however, Harper displayed his usual guile and grit, carving beautifully timed shots behind square both to the leg- and off-side boundaries. Bond arrived at the crease with the air of a man who is not to be messed with and was clearly not intimidated by the home bowlers’ incessant barrage. Both did a fine job in building the platform for a solid and substantial innings.

In spite of this, the required run-rate continued to mount and drastic action was thus called for. Cue captain Franks, with has trademark French-Cricket stance, seemingly happy to play any ball with complete disregard for its relative merits. Suddenly the game was back on and with the run-rate creeping below 20 per over, some even began to believe that the biggest upset since – well, take your pick – may actually be on the cards.

Naturally, Franks’ free-spirited stroke play was ultimately his downfall but not before he’d made an appreciable impact. And there was still plenty of batting to come. In no particular order (I may have dozed off): Hewes, ignoring his broken body, strode manfully into the fray and swung the bat as is his wont; Howard did something or other; Newby Jim showed a straight bat and knocked-up a useful late tally; etc.

But it was Frith who, making a late appearance again, chose once more to steal the show. With only one over remaining and a goodly number of runs required, there was really nothing for Jonty to lose. Except his wicket. Which he did. Twice. In three balls.

To clarify, Bathford had suggested we allow batsmen to return for a second innings, should the entire side be dismissed. Given Sloths only had 10 men, the openers had already changed and nobody was interested in padding up, there was nothing for it but for Jonty to turn around and go back again. Twice.

Now, if there’s an award for conducting a marriage, taking 3 wicket-maidens, a five-for and being out twice – all on the same day – then Jonty may claim it fair and square. In the unlikely event such a thing does not exist, perhaps it should be created.

So it was a characteristically eventful start to a promising new season for Sloths. Bathford were later moved to contact Captain Franks in order to ~~roundly mock him for his incompetence~~ commend Sloths on their plucky efforts against a team of regular league players. James ‘fresher-than-fresh’ proved an invaluable acquisition and Jonty stunned everyone with his wicket tally – both with ball and bat.

Here’s to more of the same…

Richard Dakwins, Theology Correspondent, Slothful Times

September 6, 2016May 3, 2018

Late surge sees off Stella

There is no shame in Sloths conceding defeat when the opposing team is clearly in a different league – or, indeed, in a league at all. Yet somehow what is normally a good-natured fixture to mark the end of the season – at a pleasant ground with welcoming hosts and hearty teas – this year lacked something in the joie-de-vivre department. There was Banter aplenty from the Hampset ranks but Sloths were strangely muted as they faced the realisation that they were simply outclassed.
On a dry yet overcast day, sandwiched between heavy rains, there was little surprise to find the ball moving through the air. Fortunately for John ‘That’s a Wide’ Lodge, Hampset had opted to forego the lbw on this occasion. Otherwise he would have been dismissed first ball by a beauty, pitching on leg and straightening to undoubtedly hit the wickets were his pad not inline. The first ball of the subsequent over from the same bowler was a carbon copy and had lbw judgements been required he may have wanted other offenses to be taken into consideration.

The quality of bowling remained high from Hampset and Bathampton’s innings became one of repeated false starts. Lodge underestimated the turn of a friendly-looking lob from ‘Copey’ that pitched outside off but went on to remove same. Copey, though being out of breath from his first delivery, dismissed Bond – as he swung, rather casually, across the line – with a similar ball. Hewston, meanwhile, fell to possibly the only non self-inflicted dismissal of the innings, being well caught from a firm off drive that on another day may well have raced to the boundary.

At the more youthful end of the Sloth spectrum, things looked a little brighter, though the suicidal tendency was here to be found too. Danny O, batting at number three, lent into his shots nicely and kept things moving with well-judged ones and twos, steering the ball into gaps in the field. Will Lewis took a rather more direct approach, eschewing the sodden turf in favour of hoisting the ball into neighbouring rose beds, until his inevitable demise to a swing too far. Stumpchat worked and hussled as always, ever eager to steal an extra run, even when none was available, ultimately running himself out in the process. Hewes did the same and SDS also inflicted that fate on Madeye, before ending the innings with a sublime square cut for two runs to bring the Sloth total to 126.

There was never much doubt that in a 30-over game against strong opposition, this was not going to be a big enough total to defend. Hewes, however, found the edge several times and was unlucky not to dismiss Hampset’s opener, ‘Josh’. D’Pipe similarly induced discomfort in the batsmen but they were already finding the boundary with anything that wasn’t on the money and quickly began to build a score. Josh went on to display a full complement of strokes, hitting the ball with apparent ease to every part of the field. Copey, though a study of immobility in the foot department, deployed sheer strength and timing to do the same before Skipper John, in fitting retribution, dis-Lodged the bails (see what I did there?) as Copey swung recklessly across a straight delivery.

Danny O, took a few balls to find his line but was otherwise menacing as always. Hewston impressed with flight and turn and Yerbury probed away, desperately seeking a vital breakthrough. Nobody is ever quite sure what Stumpchat is on but he was clearly mesmerised by the flashing bails, seeking to set them into action at every opportunity. Sadly, the one time he did this while the batsman was out of his crease, he neglected to have the ball in his gloves. (Having said that, the Hampset keeper went one better, neglecting to even remove the bails when a clear run-out had been secured.)

All the while Hampset kept on scoring, often in boundaries, and the deficit evaporated in short order. Soon before the total was reached, in just 17 overs, Yerbury was heard to say that this would be the last we’ll be seeing of him on the field of play. One hopes this was borne out of frustration and that he will relent after a little R and R.
There was a poor showing in the clubhouse afterwards, with sandwiches left untouched and beer undrunk. Reconvening in the George to bid suitable farewell to what has been a season of ups and downs, it fell to just two senior Sloths to consume an appropriate quantity of alcohol for the team. Initially wrong-footed by the delivery of a ‘wrong-un’ (there was no cider on draft), SDS quickly adjusted his stance, whilst Madeye dealt swiftly with several Gems from the canal end. It was a fine innings from both players and it would be fair to say that whereas Sloths may have been beaten by Hampset, SDS comprehensively conquered Stella.

Oliver Reed, Pubs & Restaurants Critic, Slothful Times

August 15, 2016May 3, 2018

Tea-ed up and despatched

A perfect English summer’s afternoon was the setting for the penultimate Sunday of the Sloth season. Franks, having won the toss, elected to bat, a decision which was roundly derided given the events of last year when the Sloths just ran out of time trying to bowl Priston out.

However, a solid start by Harper and Llongman suggested all might be well, before the Welsh maestro was undone by his nemesis, the 4 year old twirler who looks younger than his years. That brought together Harper and Lewis, who put on an excellent century stand, characterised by careful defence, despatching the occasional bad ball, and risible running. “Yes”, “no”, “come on”, “NO”. Then next over: “Yes”, “No – you didn’t run last time.”. etc etc.

After Harper and Lewis eventually fell for 54 and 70 respectively, Hewes came in to torment the bowlers with reverse sweeps and lovely drives, while Dan doughtily defended the first ball that so often does for him, then proceeded to bludgeon 36 off 24 balls. Clearly Dan had entered into some sort of Faustian pact, since the Devil’s attention was (for now) transferred to Mike Bond who succumbed to a first-baller.

244 seemed like it should be enough.

Pipe and Yerbury opened the bowling without luck. Then Hewes and Lewis continued the theme of bowling well without fortune smiling on them. A breakthrough seemed to have appeared after Franks made a sprawling stop, returned to Stumpchat with the batsman nowhere to be seen. Stumpchat triumphantly made to remove the bails, walked off in celebration, only to realise he hadn’t actually made contact with the stumps. Several seconds later the batsman lumbered into the crease, but by then the usually flawless wicket keeper was having an existential crisis and could no more remove the bails than go through an over silently.

Eventually Franks held on to a tumbling catch off Hewes, and there was hope. Dan then clean bowled their number 3. But there were to be no more wickets. Mike Bond so nearly pulled off an amazing catch as a tracer bullet left his fingers smoking, and Dan dropped a difficult chance in the deep off Llongman. But perhaps through over-indulgence of the ever-excellent tea, the spark just wasn’t there. As evening fell, and the only sounds were the call of the Stumpchat echoing off the nearby rectory and the occasional bleat of a local sheep, Priston got across the line with 3 balls of the final 20 remaining, having lost only the two wickets, despite some frugal death bowling from Llongman and the broken-toed Yerbury. Their opening bat, ex-Notts County footballer Thacker, (the Sloths silently mispronouncing the name as miscues evaded hands) finishing on 108 not out.

A fine game, although one that left the Sloths scratching their heads as to quite where it had gone wrong. Possible not enough toll taken from some not-particularly-threatening Priston bowling, possibly just a few too many bad balls, but probably all came back to The Wrong Decision at the start, electing to bat, when logic and common sense said field.