What a glorious sight it was to behold, yesterday evening in near-perfect conditions, to see men in whites limbering up, practising their catching and mentally preparing before another encounter at the majestic KES fields. Just a shame that none of them was a Sloth. Indeed, come six o’clock, the home side could barely muster a captain. Fortunately, though, they did have a tosser on hand to perform the pre-match duties. This turned out to be a mere formality, though, as only Royal Oak had sufficient players to man the field, which they duly did.

Stepping into the captaincy breach, Howard took it upon himself to elect Madeye and Bonder to open the batting. In fairness, these were the only two Sloths besides himself in attendance at that point, and he was needed to manipulate the scorebook. Predictably, the scoring began at a relatively sedate pace but was nonetheless steady enough. And by the time Bond laid down his sword, there were teammates waiting and ready to pick up the pace.

With the pitch sure and steady, following KES’s recent loam-improvements, and the outfield swift, runs began to accrue. And continue to accrue. Hewes, showing his usual distain for what was generally accurate bowling, swung the bat with gleeful abandon. Lewis dashed off yet another 25-plus to make up the Madeye-induced shortfall. Macca took delight in finding the short boundary. Newbie Tom overcame his initial frustrations at not quite timing shots by proceeding to hoist two sixes, one of which was duly ignored by scorer Howard. And Frith almost ran himself to an early grave (which, fortunately, he has conveniently located nearby) as he cut, drove and backed up like a man possessed (…).

All of which took Sloths to a dizzying score of 159. Yes, you read that correctly: one hundred and fifty nine. Unassailable, of course. Even in these conditions. Of course. So, I think we’ll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

But no. You want, naturally, to hear the rest of the detail. Of Hewes’ glorious first-ball wicket. Of Frith’s equally glorious – nay heavenly – first-ball wicket. Of the sound of leather on poly-carbonate as Bond proved he was finally wearing a box. Of Liam’s flight and guile as he pinned-down Oak’s opening duo.

Of Tom’s heroic bowling come-back, practically delivering a maiden in his first competitive over in 15 years. Of Macca’s consistently threatening accuracy.
Well, all of that happened and was magnificent, following – as it did – such a gratifying display of fine batsmanship.

Yet, somehow, Royal Oak managed to reach and, indeed, exceed the total required for them to steal victory. Nobody quite knows how this came to pass but pass it did. Sloths bowled well, fielding was by-and-large tight and energetic. Bond was unflappable behind the stumps, saving many a run through sheer balls. And, having failed to distract the batsmen with a display of country dancing last week, Sloths this time had an entire football team moving behind the bowler’s arm. But to no avail.

The Oaks remained mighty. They had four retirees and even their flakier batsmen managed to hit boundaries from what were actually decent deliveries. In the final over, and with a predictable flourish, a four was firmly struck to bring the visitors’ total to (whisper it… very quietly) 162.

So, all in all, this was a game for the connoisseur. It had a little bit of everything. Just not the win Sloth’s had anticipated. Though a little dejected in the clubhouse afterwards, the home side had to concede they were simply out-gunned. Individually, there were some fine performances and team morale was good on the pitch. As a wise, crisp-munching, man once nearly said: “Cricket is a simple game: twenty-two men throw around a ball for 40 overs and, at the end, Sloths always lose.”

For (near-) factual information, please refer to the score card. No doubt Captain Howard will provide a copy of same at the web site we all frequent with such regularity.

As ever, questions will be asked. Should spectators of football matches on the far pitch be required to wear head protection? Are visiting players actually allowed to perform circus skills in order to retrieve a lost ball? Is it appropriate for the opposing captain to give a warning when a senior Sloth is backing up? And how the f**k did we lose THAT????!!!!

No doubt, all these and more will be answered as Sloths build on what has been a characterful and [insert your own euphemism here] start to the season. Go Sloths!

Douglas Adams, Professor of Improbability, Slothful Times