Category: 2016

Late surge sees off Stella

There is no shame in Sloths conceding defeat when the opposing team is clearly in a different league – or, indeed, in a league at all. Yet somehow what is normally a good-natured fixture to mark the end of the season – at a pleasant ground with welcoming hosts and hearty teas – this year lacked something in the joie-de-vivre department. There was Banter aplenty from the Hampset ranks but Sloths were strangely muted as they faced the realisation that they were simply outclassed.
On a dry yet overcast day, sandwiched between heavy rains, there was little surprise to find the ball moving through the air. Fortunately for John ‘That’s a Wide’ Lodge, Hampset had opted to forego the lbw on this occasion. Otherwise he would have been dismissed first ball by a beauty, pitching on leg and straightening to undoubtedly hit the wickets were his pad not inline. The first ball of the subsequent over from the same bowler was a carbon copy and had lbw judgements been required he may have wanted other offenses to be taken into consideration.

The quality of bowling remained high from Hampset and Bathampton’s innings became one of repeated false starts. Lodge underestimated the turn of a friendly-looking lob from ‘Copey’ that pitched outside off but went on to remove same. Copey, though being out of breath from his first delivery, dismissed Bond – as he swung, rather casually, across the line – with a similar ball. Hewston, meanwhile, fell to possibly the only non self-inflicted dismissal of the innings, being well caught from a firm off drive that on another day may well have raced to the boundary.

At the more youthful end of the Sloth spectrum, things looked a little brighter, though the suicidal tendency was here to be found too. Danny O, batting at number three, lent into his shots nicely and kept things moving with well-judged ones and twos, steering the ball into gaps in the field. Will Lewis took a rather more direct approach, eschewing the sodden turf in favour of hoisting the ball into neighbouring rose beds, until his inevitable demise to a swing too far. Stumpchat worked and hussled as always, ever eager to steal an extra run, even when none was available, ultimately running himself out in the process. Hewes did the same and SDS also inflicted that fate on Madeye, before ending the innings with a sublime square cut for two runs to bring the Sloth total to 126.

There was never much doubt that in a 30-over game against strong opposition, this was not going to be a big enough total to defend. Hewes, however, found the edge several times and was unlucky not to dismiss Hampset’s opener, ‘Josh’. D’Pipe similarly induced discomfort in the batsmen but they were already finding the boundary with anything that wasn’t on the money and quickly began to build a score. Josh went on to display a full complement of strokes, hitting the ball with apparent ease to every part of the field. Copey, though a study of immobility in the foot department, deployed sheer strength and timing to do the same before Skipper John, in fitting retribution, dis-Lodged the bails (see what I did there?) as Copey swung recklessly across a straight delivery.

Danny O, took a few balls to find his line but was otherwise menacing as always. Hewston impressed with flight and turn and Yerbury probed away, desperately seeking a vital breakthrough. Nobody is ever quite sure what Stumpchat is on but he was clearly mesmerised by the flashing bails, seeking to set them into action at every opportunity. Sadly, the one time he did this while the batsman was out of his crease, he neglected to have the ball in his gloves. (Having said that, the Hampset keeper went one better, neglecting to even remove the bails when a clear run-out had been secured.)

All the while Hampset kept on scoring, often in boundaries, and the deficit evaporated in short order. Soon before the total was reached, in just 17 overs, Yerbury was heard to say that this would be the last we’ll be seeing of him on the field of play. One hopes this was borne out of frustration and that he will relent after a little R and R.
There was a poor showing in the clubhouse afterwards, with sandwiches left untouched and beer undrunk. Reconvening in the George to bid suitable farewell to what has been a season of ups and downs, it fell to just two senior Sloths to consume an appropriate quantity of alcohol for the team. Initially wrong-footed by the delivery of a ‘wrong-un’ (there was no cider on draft), SDS quickly adjusted his stance, whilst Madeye dealt swiftly with several Gems from the canal end. It was a fine innings from both players and it would be fair to say that whereas Sloths may have been beaten by Hampset, SDS comprehensively conquered Stella.

Oliver Reed, Pubs & Restaurants Critic, Slothful Times

Tea-ed up and despatched

A perfect English summer’s afternoon was the setting for the penultimate Sunday of the Sloth season. Franks, having won the toss, elected to bat, a decision which was roundly derided given the events of last year when the Sloths just ran out of time trying to bowl Priston out.

However, a solid start by Harper and Llongman suggested all might be well, before the Welsh maestro was undone by his nemesis, the 4 year old twirler who looks younger than his years. That brought together Harper and Lewis, who put on an excellent century stand, characterised by careful defence, despatching the occasional bad ball, and risible running. “Yes”, “no”, “come on”, “NO”. Then next over: “Yes”, “No – you didn’t run last time.”. etc etc.

After Harper and Lewis eventually fell for 54 and 70 respectively, Hewes came in to torment the bowlers with reverse sweeps and lovely drives, while Dan doughtily defended the first ball that so often does for him, then proceeded to bludgeon 36 off 24 balls. Clearly Dan had entered into some sort of Faustian pact, since the Devil’s attention was (for now) transferred to Mike Bond who succumbed to a first-baller.

244 seemed like it should be enough.

Pipe and Yerbury opened the bowling without luck. Then Hewes and Lewis continued the theme of bowling well without fortune smiling on them. A breakthrough seemed to have appeared after Franks made a sprawling stop, returned to Stumpchat with the batsman nowhere to be seen. Stumpchat triumphantly made to remove the bails, walked off in celebration, only to realise he hadn’t actually made contact with the stumps. Several seconds later the batsman lumbered into the crease, but by then the usually flawless wicket keeper was having an existential crisis and could no more remove the bails than go through an over silently.

Eventually Franks held on to a tumbling catch off Hewes, and there was hope. Dan then clean bowled their number 3. But there were to be no more wickets. Mike Bond so nearly pulled off an amazing catch as a tracer bullet left his fingers smoking, and Dan dropped a difficult chance in the deep off Llongman. But perhaps through over-indulgence of the ever-excellent tea, the spark just wasn’t there. As evening fell, and the only sounds were the call of the Stumpchat echoing off the nearby rectory and the occasional bleat of a local sheep, Priston got across the line with 3 balls of the final 20 remaining, having lost only the two wickets, despite some frugal death bowling from Llongman and the broken-toed Yerbury. Their opening bat, ex-Notts County footballer Thacker, (the Sloths silently mispronouncing the name as miscues evaded hands) finishing on 108 not out.

A fine game, although one that left the Sloths scratching their heads as to quite where it had gone wrong. Possible not enough toll taken from some not-particularly-threatening Priston bowling, possibly just a few too many bad balls, but probably all came back to The Wrong Decision at the start, electing to bat, when logic and common sense said field.

Rick sweeping with aplomb
Rick sweeping with aplomb
Black-power salute with dodgy shoulder
Black-power salute with dodgy shoulder
Lewis chases one down
Lewis chases one down
The agony of a missed c & b
The agony of a missed c & b
Dan in full flight
Dan in full flight
'owzat? (Not out)
‘owzat? (Not out)
Llomngman in full, err, flight
Llomngman in full, err, flight
Over-indulgence at tea
Over-indulgence at tea
Stu ensures he doesn't need to eat for a week
Stu ensures he doesn’t need to eat for a week

Mobile Hewes Overcomes

By close of play last night at Guinness’s Peasedown HQ, the field was littered with shards of DayGlo pink, like tiny fragments of embarrassment. Hard to say which team bore the bulk of this but neither left the field without some discomfort. Somehow the shining orb of lacquered plastic, laughingly referred to as ‘the ball’, appeared to induce a kind of madness in all that came into its contact and thus ensued one of the more bizarre encounters of this year’s already incident-filled cricket season.

With a couple of exceptions, the Guinness bowling was characterised by slow, wide deliveries that begged to be spanked to the boundary. Instead, a high percentage was lofted skywards in what turned into one prolonged bout of catching practice. And, contrary to the normal rules of engagement and much to the bewilderment of Sloths’ batsmen, Guinness held on to every one of the opportunities thus proffered. Of the two Sloths that managed to consistently hit the ball along the ground, one ran himself out in a suicidal dash from the non-striker’s end, whilst the other – Stu Nelson – remained not out, having run out of partners to accompany him. Stumpchat aside, the only other Sloth to make a decent impact with the bat was Will Lewis, who eventually chose the wrong boundary for an attempted six and –like the majority of his team-mates – was duly caught.

Taking to the field to defend a total of just 87, Sloths could have been forgiven for assuming the game was already lost. However, aided by some questionable umpiring that only served to galvanize the fielders’ resolve, Sloths pulled something remarkable out of the bag. Hewes, in particular, clearly wasn’t going to give up easily and opened the bowling with ferocity and accuracy to lay down a marker for the home side that this would be no easy ride. Stumphat was keen as ever to remove the bails and had a certain stumping turned down by the umpire who seemed otherwise engaged. In the next over, the same official was all but lynched as he refused the most confident of appeals for a bat-and-pad catch at leg slip. But nothing could dampen Sloths’ resolve and the wickets began to fall.

Whilst Franks and Yerbury were just too good for the batsmen, Madeye adopted Guinness’s tactic of deploying the ‘bouncing bomb’, taking no less than three wickets with balls that, in addition to most probably being wide, each bounced twice before being hoisted to awaiting fielders. Credit to Mike ‘Get off your frigging mobile’ Bond for taking the sharpest of catches for the first of these. Lewis struck the stumps twice, removing key batsmen in the process and also took a fine catch in the deep; Bond senior induced some wayward hitting from the batsmen; Bond junior also invited the batsmen to take him on and, as he so often is, was initially rewarded with dropped catches in the field. Hewes, however, was having none of this and – covering vast amounts of ground to overtake his fielding comrades in the gathering darkness – snatched two extraordinary catches in consecutive overs to seal the victory with only a handful of runs to spare.

Questions have been raised about Sloths’ on-field conduct, including an enquiry into whether it is physically possible to insert a mobile telephone into the orifice to which Mike Bond referred. Similarly, the ECB is debating whether the ‘dying Sloth’ is an appropriate form of celebration for cricketers of more mature standing. But whatever the outcome of such machinations, nobody can deny that this was a win like no other and one that will go down in the annals (no, Mike, ‘Annals’) of Sloth history as both highly improbable and hugely enjoyable.

Geoffrey Boycott, Fair-Play Analyst, Slothful Times

Bell Bottoms Turn Up

The Bell is, simply put, the best pub in Bath, great music, quality beer and some of the best company you’ll find in the South West.

Sadly they can’t play cricket.

Score book is a bloody shambles. No bowling figures at all!! It shows Ant and Rick retiring on 29 a piece, chasing a piddling 99 runs.

We did it in 12 overs (or at 12 overs the scorer lost the will to live)

Most of us then went for a drink.

In the Bell.

Ram-ifications Unclear

One has to question whether micromanagement of field placement at this level of friendly village cricket is strictly necessary. However, yesterday under darkening Bathampton skies and persistent drizzle, Ram’s captain insisted, with every bowling change – and sometimes in between – to fine tune the positioning of just about every fielder. Such was his attention to detail and desire for control that one wonders whether he also supervised his team’s post match shower (‘come on lads – don’t forget your armpits…’).

Prior to this, Ram had got off to an awkward start, stymied by the accuracy and pace of Maylor. Confounding Stumpchat’s clairvoyance, Maylor ignored Stu’s exhortation to ‘find the off stump’, instead taking out middle – but you can’t have everything. Danny O was similarly challenging, finding movement in the air and good variation of line and length to produce two wickets and as many chances for few runs. Young Frith also put in a good spell, running in with fluency and generating decent bounce from the damp wicket.

After a bumpy beginning, Ram then got into their stride, particularly attacking Sloth’s slower bowling and piling on the runs with some hefty boundaries. Danger-man Ev was dropped early in his innings as he mis-timed a drive to long off, for which Sloths were made to pay. In the absence of Ant to sledge his long-standing nemeses, Stumpchat provided a gentler commentary, pulling some hitherto unheard bon-mots from his lexicon and establishing an automotive theme, complete with wheels, brakes and quite possibly differentials (though it’s hard to pay attention after a point). But, despite Nelson’s keenness to remove the bails whenever the ball came to hand, wickets were hard to come by and the score continued to build.

In previous seasons, a target of 137 would have been about par for Sloths. However, perhaps due to the greenness of the outfield, anything over 110 has seemed, this year, to be something of a mountain to climb. Undeterred, openers Harper and Hewston set about their task with purpose and conviction, allowing few dot balls and running at every opportunity. Harper, however, fell early to an improbable catch by Ram’s youngster, James, deftly diving forward at point to snatch the ball one-handed, millimetres from the turf.

Maylor and Danny O both impressed with the bat and kept Sloths more or less on track with the required run rate. Last-minute sub Francis, whilst suffering from inadequate grip in the footwear department, also struck the ball convincingly and was bullied into stealing runs wherever possible. But it was the ever-keen Nelson who really upped the ante: sprinting between the wickets and marshalling the non-striker like…, well like a Yorkshireman who wants to win a game of cricket.

Fortunately for the Ram, the final run-chase fell to senior Sloths of a more sedate disposition. In fairness, they too managed to steal runs from every nick and edge but at this point only boundaries would suffice to reach the required total. With Ev and the ever-present skipper both bowling accurately and deceptively, these were not forthcoming and Sloths ultimately fell short of the total by a good 10 runs.

  • So the unseemly trend towards winning form has been brought under control this week. Taking –as they say – the positives:
  • Sloths’ youth policy is in good health, with the average age tumbling to an all time low.
  • Although Ram boundaries were plenty, bleating was kept to an acceptable minimum.
  • Maylor held onto his one catching opportunity.
  • When the Carlsberg refused to flow and Moles had run out, KES’s fridge was well-stocked.
  • … er…

With a leader ushering-in defeat, then absenting himself; an apparent disconnect between younger and older elements; indecision over whether to stand firm and remain in or throw the dice and risk dismissal, who knows what the future may hold? Still, it could be worse, the opposition have to grind on under the unpopular leadership of an old-school and apparently out-of-touch curmudgeon. Thank goodness we have cricket to distract us.

John Humphreys, Current Affairs Correspondent, Slothful Times

Fumbling Nelson Oversees Rollicking Rout

stu

ABOVE: Stump chat.. the man of the moment, self fumbling, handsfree, I am in awe

It is tempting to assume, when an opposition is bowled out with some 7+ overs still remaining, that a win has been created through exceptional bowling alone. However, last night’s match against Offsiders was really won before the visitors began their innings. With Sloths posting a score of 148 on a green wicket with lush, slow outfield, this was always going to be a hard target to beat.

Offsiders opened their bowling with pace, accuracy and a remarkable degree of lift from the hastily-prepared strip (there was a suspicion the KES ground staff had overlooked the fixture). From the canal end, their second opener produced so much swing that he was in constant danger of bowling wides from deliveries originally on-target for the wickets. However, Sloth openers Hewston and Harper responded with purpose and unflinching solidity, steering the ball through gaps in the field and running overthrows wherever the opportunity presented itself.

The fielding side clearly underestimated the run-rate and were surprised to see Hewston retire on 25. Harper, trying to force things along, lobbed an easy catch and Franks wasted no time getting the measure of the bowling and was clean bowled after a brief visit to the middle. Danny O was reminded that, still in his formative years, he may be needing his brain for a while yet and was made to fetch a helmet, which was just as well as his school-mate Tom then threw down some lively, short deliveries. However, the decisive blow, from Offsiders’ point of view, was the arrival of Stu ‘fumble’ Nelson, later joined by Rob the Ringer. This pair displayed a range of ‘proper’ cricket shots and running between the wickets that left fielders breathless and helpless as they escorted the ball to all areas of the boundary.

Having built a virtually unassailable platform, Sloths, replete with an embarrassment of decent bowling, did not even get as far as Franks or Howard, who under other circumstance might be called upon to save a game. Hewes made no friends in removing popular Offsiders veteran ‘Bernie’ in the first over and was rewarded by the most muted of celebrations. Danny O continued his excellent form with another brace of wickets (or was it three – who’s counting?), the highlight being the creation of a stumping chance for Nelson, who was as trigger-happy as a NYPD officer on a Harlem backstreet. Having fetched his helmet the previous ball, Nelson had whipped off the bails only to find the batsman planted in his crease. However, Dan produced the perfect follow-up, with a flighted ball that enticed the batsmen forward, enabling Stu to strike – and this time there was no question.

And who knew? It turns out Ringer Rob can bowl too! And catch. And run. And throw. And he might have got away with it too, had he not called out “cheers guys, nice to meet you, hopefully see you again” to his ‘teammates’ as he departed after the match – right in front of the recovering opposition. But nobody seemed to mind. Wickets tumbled, catches were held – including the dismissal of Offsiders’ disconsolate skipper, caught behind by Nelson, managing to simultaneously pleasure himself and retrieve a fumbled catch apparently from somewhere in the box region (and I don’t mean the town in Wiltshire).

Then it was all over too soon (the match, not the self-pleasuring). A late onslaught by Offsiders’ wicketkeeper and their returning retiree showed what perhaps might have been but it was too little too late. Appropriately, the final wicket fell to NYPD Nelson’s second stumping of the match and an early visit to the bar was well earned.

So, were the Sloth info-graphic to be updated, it would show the recent slump to have been curtailed. With only a handful of games left in the season – and a diminishing supply of ringers upon which to call, will Sloths come out on top? Can a team be found in time for tonight’s fixture against The Bell? Will Johnny Fetidmeat recover in time for a late appearance before season’s end? Will Priston’s teas live up to expectations? Who knows? Who cares? I’m off to get to the Eurotunnel before Boris and Nigel have it in-filled.

Jean-Claude Juncker, European Correspondent, Slothful Times

Sloths RemaIN Firm, Invoking Bearexit

For the past two weeks, the skies over Bathampton have cried tears of despair, preventing Slothful activity of any significance. But yesterday the KES forum was bathed in rays of sunshine, creating a glimmer of hope that normality may somehow be restored. Conditions were thus conducive to lively debate as the BS party faithful convened in an attempt to thwart a hostile takeover bid by the far-right BFD.

Campaigning got underway with a heartening lack of negative tactics, BFD looking to score points from every exchange. Young activist Danny O, however, found holes in their argument, flooring two of their opening speakers with erudition and aided by the quick-witted intervention of Hewston on the back benches. BFD continually tried to press-home their points but Sloths presented a unified front under the firm coalition leadership of Longman and Bond.

Light relief was provided by Chairman Franks, launching a Dennis-Skinner-like barrage, one moment frivolous, the next incisive – bamboozling the opposition into acquiescence and providing his own side with both amusement and celebration. Questions were also posed by elder-statesmen Bond Senior and Norman –St.John-Dalley-Smith, to which the BFD membership had no real answers. Constantly probed by Secretary for Defence Stu ‘the line is mine’ Nelson, BFD became agitated and revealed a lack of any meaningful plan. By the recess, opinion polls showed them to have scored poorly and optimism was abroad that BS would be able to hold firm.

From the front benches, Longman led by example – eloquently driving home his points before making room for wider debate. There was a minor revolt as Ant ‘no-relation’ Howard performed a Johnsonesque switch of allegiance, having originally claimed to want no part in the proceedings. However, his contribution made little impact on the overall outcome and his rhetoric was all but swept aside by the lower-order BS rank and file.

Some younger party members were defeated by their own arguments; both Bond Junior and Lewis-The-Younger being ejected from the chamber after taking ill-advised swipes at the opposition. Nelson, however, was straight-talking as ever and paved the way for BS to win the day with irrefutable logic and a couple of hefty late blows from ‘Lefty’ Hewes. BS’s bid to remain as the incumbent party indeed held firm and they ended the day with a clear majority.

Questions were later asked in the second chamber: what has happened to the honourable member for Trumpton North, Lewis-The-Elder? And on the subject of members (honourable or otherwise), where has The (incessant) Speaker KTP been putting his? And can the absence of these two be related? Will the long-awaited Frith-off finally take place this weekend and, if so, will any outcome need to be ratified by a meeting of the Synod? Sloths’ political and legal advisors will be working feverishly behind the scenes to provide a full report as quickly as possible: apparently a Mr Chilcot is heading the investigations, so no doubt a conclusion will be reached very soon.

Nick Robinson, Political Editor, Slothful Times
(match photography courtesy of Slotherazzi)

Bear Flat Dads complaint over stump chat justified…

BFD StumpChat

BFD StumpChat2

SLOTH BOWLING…

The dan o….

BFD DARKO

BFD4

The franks…

BFD2

BFD3

the lodge…

BFD5LODGE

the mad-EYE…

BFD MAdders2

madders

THE SDS…

BFDSDS

Southstoke’s Self-Abuse as Sloths Soar

As sledging goes, Bonder telling the facing batsman that the umpire had given him ‘the tentative finger’ has to be up there as one of the more unsettling examples. In reply, another of Southstoke’s umpires actually sledged his own man, telling him he wouldn’t be there long and possibly contributing to his dismissal two balls later. It says something of the quality of a match, when these are among the more remarkable incidents on which to report but, as ever, the game did have its moments.

On a green wicket, with sluggish outfield, this was never going to be a run-fest. However, Southstoke apparently reversing their order was an odd decision when batting first. With Sloths’ young-guns haring in at unsuspecting old-timers, there ensued something of a mismatch. Maylor was on sizzling form, bowling line and length to nullify the men at the crease, whilst Danny O mixed things up sufficiently to provide an early wicket. Behind the stumps, Mike ‘Which Leg?’ Bond was tidy and took two catches despite Maylor’s insistence on terrorising him from the outfield (apparently taking ‘easy’ to mean ‘please fire the ball at my head as hard as you can’).

Will ‘Anti-Virus’ Lewis bowled exceptionally well, giving away few runs and claiming a wicket, as did Frith, confounding the batsmen with searching length and a hint of movement through the air. As the innings progressed, however, Southstoke rallied and provided the unusual spectacle of Messers Yerbury and Howard being somewhat taken apart by their late-order big hitters, the latter still managing to take two wickets amid the onslaught.

With only 96 runs to chase down, Captain Howard considered whether he too should reverse the batting order before deciding ‘no, b*ll*cs, we want to win this’. Having said that, he did promote Rick Hewes to open alongside Rich Hewston, which – if nothing else – caused a headache for the scorers. One wondered whether Rick might clam-up under the weight of responsibility but we didn’t have to wait long before the answer came. Clearly in no mood for running between the wickets, Hewes launched a barrage of 4s and one splendid 6 before retiring on 25+. Meanwhile, Hewston demonstrated his range of shots, carving the ball neatly into gaps around the field for ones and twos to ensure the score ticked over between boundaries.

Maylor was as commanding with bat as he had been with ball, swinging through the line with assured straightness in stumpchat-esque style, somewhat miffed to find himself retiring on 25 just as he was having fun. Frith looked dangerous but never quite timed the ball and Will Lewis lost his wicket first ball with a rather reckless swing at a straight delivery on a good length. Having dropped himself down the order as he would require a runner, Howard was surprised to find Bond requesting same. Frith took this role, insisting on running from square of the batsmen to the opposite stumps, thereby covering 1 ½ pitch-lengths for each run scored.

Later joined by Madeye and then replaced by SDS, Bond was a little stymied by his immobilising calf injury but nonetheless contributed with inimitable determination. Between them, this old-guard triumvirate kept the scoreboard busy, if not exactly humming, picking off the remaining total in singles and twos. SDS struck the winning shot, a finely timed off drive, with relish before eagerly repairing to the clubhouse for some well-earned refreshment … and then some more.

So that’s it really: another win, two fine retirements, one confused runner, one abused batsmen and a host of unreported stats. Job done – I’m off to Glastonbury. Cheers.

Michael Eavis, Agricultural Correspondent, Slothful Times

Fear and Slothing in Bathampton

‘Dead Sloths’ littered the outfield in solute yesterday evening in the fading light as Yerbury stole the winning run. It was Stumpchat who had struck the ball but, in an unlikely role reversal, Ric who cajoled him into going for a second to seal the victory. With two balls remaining, 8 runs had been required and Stu had chosen this moment to hit the first 6 of his playing career, thus leaving two to win from the final ball of play. To say the atmosphere was tense would be something of an understatement.

As has been customary this season, Sloths’ bowling had been incisive and penetrating: Maylor and Eyley leading the charge with pace, line and length. Cam Bond induced a stumping first ball and regularly found the edge; SDS on his comeback was tidy and consistent; Hewes created opportunities for Stumpchat to whip off the bails; Howard was characteristically on the money; Yerbury was beguiling as always and Madeye struck with his rare straight balls. Hewston, fed-up with being moved away from catching positions, decided – once more – to fly solo, resorting to taking a catch from his own bowling, where Ant couldn’t interfere.

stumpchat1

In the field, this week’s ball-magnet was Maylor, who remained an ever threatening presence in spite of Stumpchat’s tendency to induce panic by screaming ‘FIRE IT IN!’ at him. His one successful attempt unfortunately left the umpire unsighted and unable to give the run-out decision most agreed was due. Bond Jnr and Eyley – on opposite boundaries – saved many a run with their quick feet and strong arm, the former making a difficult catch look easy, running to his right in the deep to pluck a lofted drive from the air two-handed at extra cover (as SDS observed: ‘like a leaping sausage’). But the dismissal of the innings had to be that of one of Guinness’s more threatening batsmen, who – backing up from the non-striker’s end – found himself stranded as Harper, eschewing the caught-and-bowled of a less imposing batsman on strike, cunningly deflected the ball onto the opposite stumps. Genius.

stumpchat2

All of which left Sloths with just 108 runs to chase down for victory. Admittedly, conditions weren’t optimal under darkening, cloud-laden skies but Sloths really did make heavy weather of it and appeared fearful of the modest target. Bond Snr – on umpiring duties this week due to a lingering calf injury – declared this to be ‘The worst batting performance I’ve ever seen’ (and he’s seen a few shockers in his time). Harper did begin in commanding form, able to pick singles with ease, but rarely found the boundary and was dismissed before he could do any serious damage. Hewston didn’t really get going either, ditto Maylor… and so it continued, wickets falling largely as a result of impatience with indifferent bowling.

The stand-out innings (plural), however, were those of Stumpchat: playing a beautifully straight bat throughout and hitting the shot of the day with a classic drive through long off for four. When he retired on 25, Sloths required just under 6 an over; victory was in sight but few wickets remained. Guinness had kept one or two ‘proper’ bowlers back for the denouement and as the pressure to score remained, wickets continued to fall. Happily for Sloths, this allowed for the return of Stumpchat in the final over. The rest – as they say – is history.

Hunter S Thompson, Gonzo Cricket Correspondent, Slothful Times

stumpchat