Tuesday 27 June 2023

Sloths vs St Johns

49 for 7 off 12 overs. Chasing 122. The comeback was most definitely not on. When the sporting public think of sporting comebacks, they think of Ben Stokes at Headingley 2019, they think Liverpool 2005 in Istanbul, they think Bath City coming from 3-1 down to beat Eastbourne 4-3 away in August 2022 (don’t they?). Well now add Bathampton vs St John’s 2023 to that fabled list.

A strong Sloth bowling performance featuring a diving catch at gully by Jimmer (naturally, as he never catches one on his feet) and some FrithBall dominance restricted St John’s to 122.

Sloth skip Jimmer sent out the Bathampton Youth Batting Performance Squad and put his feet up ready to see youthful care-free runs flow in. Disaster struck! Harry bowled by one that looked like it moved but he later admitted only moved one way, and that was straight at his stumps. Fellow Frithkateer Sam / The New Bob Willis was dismissed to bring a succession of big guns to the crease. There must be something in the Bathampton water as Cam, Will and Tom brought pecs a-plenty but couldn’t muscle themselves to a decent score. Tom Dosn’t-Bat Jupe smoked a beamer into the canal and a few through the covers but the end came too soon. HRP defended his first ball (I now owe Stu a fiver) and tried to build himself an innings. However, wickets continued to fall as the runs stagnated and here is where we reach the start of our story. 49 for 7 after 12 overs, wisdom reaches the crease after the foils of youth before them. The Doc James Gordon and Jim Van Gogh Painter put together a partnership for the ages. As darkness fell, they kept their heads, leaving with authority and seeing twos early. Jimmer’s sumptuous straight drives and The Doc’s flicks to square kept the field spread. Both retiring after a 50 partnership, it was left to the metaphorically broad shoulders of Matt Adam Buxton Headon and Jonty King Of The Friths. With scores tied and two overs remaining, Matt stroked through the covers gloriously for two, perfectly ensuring the ball didn’t go for four so that Sloths could neatly secure victory.

Tinnies cracked open outside the shabby-chic second pavilion, Sloths bathed in a famous victory, sharing many a fist bump and grizzly “get-in-theeeeere’s”.

Tuesday 20 June 2023

The forecast looked clear. The forecast looked cleeeear, they said. Well, except for that yellow warning of thunderstorms but apart from that it was well and truly clear.

But what, you ask, forced the Sloths and Bathampton Dads to halt their ferocious brawl? Was it the darker-than-dark clouds working their way towards them? Was it when The Gas Man got struck near the goolies by George bowling off his short run up with a glowing white ball? Or was it the low rumble of thunder as Matt Warren came into bowl? (We assumed it was a weather phenomenon). Maybe it was this conversation;

Mid-on: “Woah I just saw some lightning”

Everyone: “Woah yeah ahh wow”

Deep point: “Lucky we’re not playing golf!”

Everyone: “haha yeah um yeah haha…”

Jimmy, batting: “… um, there’s metal in my helmet…”

Everyone: “…”

Nope this didn’t stop them. The tussle continued as the deep bassinous tones of thunder boomed and slim streaks of lightning streaked. Well what must it have been to stop the bitter Bathampton derby? Oh just your classic slashing rain plummeting without much warning really. That’ll do it.

Sloths shuffled, Dads dashed and before you knew it there was a queue at the cool box and Bonder was catching cash much better than when he dropped an edge off Porridge’s bowling. Not that he’s bitter. 

Over lukewarm ciders it was mentioned that there was a website that calculated Duckworth Lewis scoring by just entering the scores and overs. This was quickly quashed by both captains Ant and Tom simultaneously stating “IT’S A DRAW”. This conclusion seemed to be reached telepathically but all Sloths and Dads chinned their tins in agreement.

Some cricket did happen by the way. Albeit reluctantly at first as the first arrivals of Sloths and Dads huddled around a radio intently listening to Australia creep their way towards their target at Edgbaston. A new Sloth arrived; “Have they got Khawaja?”, a new Dad appeared; “Is Carey still in?”, “How’s Mo’s finger?”, “Does anybody want to open?”… “… Ay? Oh yeah somebody should probably go bat”.

Porridge and Ed agreed to open and then halfway to the crease both realised that that meant they couldn’t listen to the cricket anymore, blast. Skipper Ant brought colourful pens so tactically put himself down the order so he could do his pretty scoring. Anyway cricket! Porridge got bored of missing the balls playing orthodox shots so went full Joe Root and reverse scooped it to third man. The fielder set off and instantly felt his hamstring go, Porridge saw this and called two but then a gun fielder of a dad swooped in and hurled the ball for a direct run out. A reverse scoop run out, Bazball meet Bathampton. Ed couldn’t quite channel his Exmouth free-scoring self and soon Will and George were in. To negate the pudding of a pitch Will regularly danced down the wicket to smash straight (think a twinkled-toed Steve Smith) and George swept with glee (think prime Joe Root). This spread the Dad’s in the field and runs were to be found! Both retiring on mighty scores of 34 and 35 (to whom, I will let you decide). Bondie hit the shot of the day over midwicket, Ant managed to guide a delivery going down leg onto his own stumps with the back of his bat and HRP continued his quest to NOT score the most sixes this season. 130 scored and the Dad’s had work to do.

Nominated Dad-because-he-is-a-dad Jimmy and Brent strode out ahead of the clouds to begin the chase. Sloth fielding began hesitantly with two drop catches in the first over (not that this narrator is bitter in any way, remember) but then catches by Porridge and Bonder and a classic swinging Warren delivery put Sloths in control. The dangerous Tom E was run out by a wicket keeping masterclass from Bonder and a smart catch from Dan under a dark sky brought out a brooding Gas Man with a glint of lightning in his eye. Oh wait, that was actually lightning and oh wait, it’s tipping it down. Sloths and Dads then sprinted to the cool box amid handshakes and the random hauling of possessions to the pavilion. Commence the cheersing of tinnies as the rain fell and talk of a Part 3.

Sloths Tour Exmouth, June 2023 – The Saturday Survivors in Plymtree

Tuesday 30 May 2023

Sloths vs Stella Select

Stoic. Immovable. An opening stand worthy of plaudit and before a ball had even been bowled. The car park security post just wouldn’t budge. A stream of Sloths blockaded into Bathampton and could’ve caused a village-wide incident. Porridge being such a Millennial couldn’t work out the first numbers of the Bath telephone area code and the post remained resolute. Leo sounded his horn impatiently at the hold up and later claimed innocence and he was flailing about while putting on his whites. Skipper arrived with knowledge of landlines, post removed and Sloths flooded in with the treat of freezing cold conditions but warm opposition in our fellow spirit-of-cricket connoisseurs Stella Select.

A toss occurred or didn’t, anyway, a decision was swiftly reached that Sloths would bat first. Nothing to do with the freezing conditions that fielding second would bring I’m sure but Stellas seemed very happy with this.

The Gas Man and Long Man strode out to open / were blown towards the wicket as Stellas cursed themselves for not bringing a second jumper. The opening bowling was tight on line and on a length and I was pretty sure they were miserly. But upon analysis of the scorebook it appears 23 runs were scored off the first four overs which is practically Bazball, including a Gas Man crunching four and a wristy six from Lodgey. Who then tried to repeat this feat and found the fielder on the boundary edge. But, controversy! Lodgey wagged a gloved finger and insisted the young, innocent fielder was over the boundary! Luckily, and surprisingly, the umpiring team had already spotted the intersecting boundaries of 3, yes 3, cricket pitches and so told Lodgey to get lost. The Gas Man, Laz and Darwin then followed suit in perfectly lofting shots into the gleeful hands of well placed fielders and some argued this was more tricky than getting the ball past them. HRP broke this routine by deciding to hit it over the fielders and then was brought back down to earth by being bowled by a full toss. But controversy! He refused to walk! Believing it was a no ball he stood his ground. Luckily, Lodgey was at square leg and has a penchant for the rules (except boundary lines) so sent Nick on his way. A hard-running, gap-finding, newly-bought-bat partnership from Maslin/Carlin accelerated Sloth scoring. Will retiring for the second time in his Sloth career and Jimmy running himself out as retirement was on the horizon. Nice to make Will feel special. George promised much but popped a catch to the bowler. Striding out in the last over Brent went with instructions to swing and swing, oh he did. A heaved catch straight to mid on and he strode back. Meanwhile no.11 Porridge had shed his pads in relief as the innings had ended, yes? Actually no, two balls remained. Pads thrown on, box forgotten, helmet a-skew and sledges received from all angles, Porridge arrived at the crease. With Leo looking reassured at the other end Porridge slammed into a cover drive but the ball shot down to point (one for the purists) and they ran 3. Leo then saw off the end of the innings and a whopping 137 scored!

Sloths enter the field feeling buoyant after setting a defendable total but also feeling rather laden with all the spare layers of clothing, including hats, found and applied. Porridge steams into bowl amid a slew of oat-based puns that the batters may have found hard to stomach. A thin edge is snaffled by a stunned Jimmy behind the stumps who shouts “I caught it I actually caught it!” and Porridge forgets to appeal in his state of joy. Brent opens up the hill with tweaky tricky tight bowling leaving the stumps trembling. Will bowls hoops and George throws down lasers, both spells remaining wicketless and cricket aficionados would unhelpfully say that they did too much with the ball. Stoic batting as Darwin’s theory of good bowling proves tricky to score off and Lodgey, aiming for an IPL 2024 contract, threatens to Mankad a child. All these dots prompt the batters to risk a single as Leo The Cat sweeps in and delivers a devasting throw down to Jimmy to whip off the bails and everyone to declare that “that was actually like real cricket”. HRP delivers down the hill and generates bounce (of course he does) and has a batter play-on looking to score. Nick is still not sure if playing on counts as his wicket but now it’s his second time in two games he is coming around to the idea. Lazurus glides in as the batters open their shoulders and start to find singles. Leo bowls his “unpredictable stuff” and induces a shot high into air where a smooth Laz calmly claims it’ll be his with the repertoire “mine, mine, mine… mine…. Mine”. But Stellas are never down! Stellas big hitters down the order truly free their arms to attempt to take it to the wire and find some ruthless death bowling by the skipper. Cleverly bowling last he mops up 3 wickets with some devastating stump to stump bowling and smartly placing a trembling Porridge at short extra cover just as Stellas are trying their best to clump it straight threw that area. Luckily Porridge has sticky hands and gobbled up a quick reaction catch that the Sloths immediately decided was good, but not as good as Leo’s run out. Cricket, it can give and take almost simultaneously.

Stellas fall short with 80 runs on the board but play with tremendous spirit and share the Sloth psyche that the tinnie afterwards is as glorious as the cricket before. We will meet them again with hopefully just the one jumper on each.

Tuesday 23 May 2023

A month into the season and Sloths well and truly out of hibernation now. Upon hearing of Bathford having 8 players for the game, 14 Sloths appear stretching and creaking into the early evening sunshine. 14 whole Sloths in one place! And it wasn’t even a pub! Then 10 Bathford players also appear. Ah. Well, let’s play 12 a side, how much difference could that make?

Turns out, quite a bit. Bathford batted first and found the field 1/12th (or 1/11th?) fuller than normal. Sloths will claim it was their fielding excellence that made the difference as the dot balls racked up but it could also be the 7 fielders in the covers. Will caused trouble up the hill, but after Riccayyy made the first breakthrough drifting down the hill, the first volun-told Sloth-in-disguise was brought to the crease. Jimmer returned to KES after a shoulder, hip and/or calf injury and was eager to feel bat on ball. He did just this. Twice. Before being bowled by an absolute Jaffa from Jonty. At 16-2 off 5 overs, Bathford needed to regroup. Matt Cox bowled wheels but was sent to the boundary a handful of times. Singles were worked off Lodgey and George as a partnership was built. Trafford, another recruit from the fertile feeder club Bathampton Dad’s, made the breakthrough bowling a well set batter and the Sloths sniffed an opening. Their nostrils further widened as Porridge waltzed to the wicket, the second undercover Sloth received a warm welcome from his previous friends and settled down to face a rejuvenated and injury-free (please!) Headon. After being beaten by a slow bouncer and an in-swinger thundering into his pads, Porridge charged and spooned a boundary over mid-wicket. Sloths incensed, they sent on their secret weapon and serial impact bowler, SDS. The King Of The Sloths lured his victim on to the back foot with a looping delivery that smartly beat the bat (underneath it). Let’s just say the Sloths absolutely loved it. Brent wrapped up the innings with some miserly bowling and Bathford totalled 96.

Sloth openers The Gas and Long Man stole singles between the smaller-than-normal- gaps in the field and occasionally bludgeoned shots straight through them. Tom especially timing some beauties and Lodgey retiring on 27. The fall of the Skipper brought in Lazarus who demonstrated a classical style but fell for 9. Trafford then took a different approach and heaved his first ball towards the short boundary as Porridge eagerly chased, the ball was caught and celebrations ensued. Quickly smothered as Porridge was spotted to be 10 metres over the rope. Will nurdled some singles in a very new-season-approach style. Sloths chugged along but wickets kept falling. Riccayyyy ignored all temptation to use his left-handedness to target the short boundary and the plethora of fielders placed there with some inside knowledge. His shoulders would turn and his eyes would light up before deciding to dab it to mid-off in a disappointingly sensible way. The Sloth in him however could not be sated and he duly took the bait, but practically hit it onto the second pitch. Gorgeous George arrived with instructions to end it quickly and did with a sweetly struck four. There was no wicket taken by the Sloths-in-disguise to their dismay as there is nothing sweeter.

The next time so many Sloths appear at once it will be on tour, reports to come, if anyone remembers what happens.

Sunday 21 May 2023

Priston away. The famous fixture. The “legendary tea” fixture. The fixture that Sloths eagerly await when the fixtures get announced. Although the fixtures don’t really get announced, they just kind of unravel themselves from their tightly woven spreadsheet, some Sloths read them, wince and then promptly lose the link / paper / Gregg’s paper bag they were written on.

2pm comes. 3 Sloths get lost down a country lane, one turns up with a friend to watch (who, turns out, is much better at cricket then all of us) and Ant turns up in a car designed by Homer Simpson. All is well.

Tom The Gas Man wins the toss. All is suddenly not well. We never win the toss, correction, Fresh never wins the toss. This coin-based victory sends the Captain Committee into panic. “What would Johnny do?” A just question but our regular captain never wins the toss so this question yielded no help. Nick HRP Lewis at this point leans over, elbow to elbow with this narrator and surmises “Hang on, if we bat first, that means we all just sit here and wait until it’s our turn to bat?” His face then contorts, as anyone’s does, as he tries to comprehend the sport of cricket. Sensing this, Ant / Tom / Bonder / Stumpchat decide we should bat first because sitting down is the best bit.

Priston start a team warm up. 8 Sloths sit down. The Gas Man and Stumpchat pad up and vibes are strong as the sun comes out. It’s all classical style straight bat stuff, blocking out the offie and punishing the bad balls through the covers. An opening stand of 50 has Priston on the ropes but then the offie strikes and clean bowls The Gas Man for 26. Jimmy’s next in, relishing the moment, immediately survives a stumping and then plays-on attempting a booming drive. Riccay arrives and Priston can’t deal with the left handed sweeps and dabs to point. Another partnership blossoms as fielding chances go begging and strong running between the wickets. Rick is caught for a rambuckling 32 and brings Nick HRP (do we just all sit here) to the crease. No guard required, he tries to send his first ball to Cow Corner and is bowled. He goes back to sitting down. Bonder strolls in and is LBW in his first over. The game turns. Cricket at it’s best / worst. Drinks happen. Stumpchat enters his 40’s, he starts to sense this but wise Sensei Ant tells us all to lie to him and tell him he’s on 24. This doesn’t work, he gets nervous, starts scoring only in singles, calls for a run when finding the fielder at short extra-cover. We all get nervous. We know how upset he’ll be if h- he’s done it! A well struck four sees Stumpchat to fifty. Ant kicks off his season only using the middle of the bat and scores in all the areas Priston leave open. Stumpchat tactically gets himself out with a few overs to go so that he’s well positioned for tea. Lanky Boy Ben unfurls his limbs for some helpful lower order runs and Porridge helps himself to a wide and 2 cover swipes straight at fielders. Sloths set 205 to win. Ant strolls off smug about his 32 not out that he knows he will definitely fudge to a 42 when he does the website.

TEA THEN. I had heard the rumours. COVID had meant that my visits to Priston had been dry, hungry affairs and that I had truly missed out. Well my hungover 2 hour drive from a wedding away was proven worth it. 6 different fillings in sandwiches available in brown or white bread. Scones with cream and strawberries. Chocolate cake and coffee and walnut cake. Bucket-loads of tea. Crisps. And that was just what Stumpchat had on his first visit. Priston, you know how to cricket. We thanked them like it was our first sip of water upon leaving the savannah. 

Sloths, forgetting that we actually have to bowl now, took little notice of the padded up batters strolling past their bloated full bodies and considered a third helping. Dragged out on the field they then produced a clinical fielding performance for the ages. Gee’d up by cake and a defendable total they swept in to stop ones and hurled themselves to save fours. Porridge and Riccay opened and grew into their miserly spells. Priston waited for bad balls and found themselves, waiting. They were punished by a worm-shagging, daisy-cutting, grubber of a delivery from Porridge to clean bowl (dislodge one bail) an opener. Riccay’s opening spell of 5-1-11-0 seen off, they attacked Porridge and lofted a delivery up high into the air to be snaffled by Frank The Tank. Sloths had their tails up. The Gas Man comes in first change and off a one step run up demolishes the stumps with an absolute jaffa. Priston double down on their longevity plan and see off tidy spells from Gas Man and HRP. Bonder stopping all the short stuff at extra cover and the opener just repeatedly hitting straight at safe-hands Carlin wherever he stood. A bit of this and a bit of that from Ant has Priston unsure whether to attack or defend and he has the opener caught to signal a change in approach from Priston. They go on the attack and plunder runs off Jadeja (Ed) but beats the bat a few times with some rippers. Lanky Boy Ben and Frank The Tank come in for some punishment but both at some point throw themselves to stop straight drives (and protect their bowling stats). Sloth fielding is tested as bodies hurl themselves along the boundary, Ed uses his chest to stop a cruncher at midwicket, Nick takes a catch that came down with snow on and Ben patrols cat-like down the hill. All this fielding sounds like it couldn’t be improved I hear you say? WRONG. On comes our sub-fielder Ashu for Bonder. Ashu’s spent the day merrily bowling warm up leggies to waiting Sloth batters (he beat the bat constantly) and then watching as we field. Turns out he’s a gun fielder and his direct run out (think Ashes 2005 sub fielder running out Ponting) takes away any Priston momentum. Priston fall short by 21 runs but gave some Sloths some squeaky bum time (well only Bonder because he was the only one sitting down, but you get my point) The pub is opened (by the no. 3 batter) and pints are enjoyed in a quintessential Somerset village square. Priston away is completed for another year.

It’s a famous fixture for a reason, you know.

Sunday 14th May 2023

 

WARNING THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THERE IS SUNSHINE OUT THERE. THE DRY TYPE. COMMENCE CRICKET.

 

The sun pushed through the clouds to reveal Sloths and Bathampton Dads cautiously gathering around KES playing field with eyes wide and disbelieving. There before us was a glorious sight. A cut faux-golden strip in the centre of a luscious green landscape. A strip situated in the actual-equidistant-from-the-edges-middle middle no less, and not a rain cloud in sight.

Tentative warm ups began. Hands and hamstrings having flashbacks to better times and remembering familiar old routines. Balls were thrown and dropped. Bats were greeted like Christmas decorations out the loft.

Eventually somebody actually suggested a game should start. A toss happened. Someone won and chose something. Sloths were to field first against a formidable looking Dad’s opening pair.

Energy and vibes were strong in the field as Jonty opened the bowling. Unfortunately his grip on the ball was as strong as the vibes. Once his grip relented, line and length were found and only singles were nurdled. The Colonel launched up the hill for two miserly overs. A smart run out from Will only brought a big hitting no.3 out and Dads were on their way. A retiring JG, featuring some textbook cover drives, inadvertently broke a productive partnership and Dads innings stalled. Captain Tom came out swinging and missing to the delight of the Sloths. When he did connect though, he did so straight to Captain Fresh who took a nonchalant catch at mid-on and then un-nonchalantly told everyone how much it hurt. Ed channelling Jadeja, produced two of the quickest Sloth overs in history and featured a merciless stumping of Bathampton Son Laurie by a gleefully-fit-enough Stumpchat. Nick HRP and Fresh sent bails flying to snuff out any low order resistance. Gorgeous George left some fielding for the square leg umpire and Lanky Boy Ben attempted an underarm run out from 30 yards to ensure the fielding performance still had an eau de Sloth.

104 felt chase-able but also defendable on a slow but consistent pitch. The game in the balance.

Sloth new opening partnership Porridge and HRP demonstrated perfect cover drive technique between deliveries, after cross batting yet another accurate and straight Dad delivery. After some short deliveries were punished to the boundary the Dads begun a leg side strangle assault and grabbed the wickets of Porridge and The Colonel. Nick followed Ben Stokes advice and noticed there were no fielders in the sky, perfectly placing looped shots over the heads of mid on and mid off but just not actually to the boundary. Bonder middled a shot straight to a power-lifting Dad at square leg. Lanky Boy Ben nailed his first delivery for four through the covers and Sloths could sense victory. HRP gloriously reached retirement with a six and brought Stumpchat to the crease. Ben then promptly ran him out after hearing he was unable to change direction quickly. With the end in sight Will and George were sent out with big-hitting goals. Will forgot himself and nurdled a single to point before remembering his brief and proceeded to big hit straight to a fielder. George swung and forgot to hold on to his bat then next ball was caught and bowled off a booming straight drive. It fell to Fresh to guide it through the covers and bring a Sloth victory with an over to spare.

Over lukewarm ciders, Sloths and Dads became one again, basking in the joy of cricket returning, until talk turned to Part 2…