Author: Web-ed Sloth

Rooted Oak Wood Knot Leave

What a glorious sight it was to behold, yesterday evening in near-perfect conditions, to see men in whites limbering up, practising their catching and mentally preparing before another encounter at the majestic KES fields. Just a shame that none of them was a Sloth. Indeed, come six o’clock, the home side could barely muster a captain. Fortunately, though, they did have a tosser on hand to perform the pre-match duties. This turned out to be a mere formality, though, as only Royal Oak had sufficient players to man the field, which they duly did.

Stepping into the captaincy breach, Howard took it upon himself to elect Madeye and Bonder to open the batting. In fairness, these were the only two Sloths besides himself in attendance at that point, and he was needed to manipulate the scorebook. Predictably, the scoring began at a relatively sedate pace but was nonetheless steady enough. And by the time Bond laid down his sword, there were teammates waiting and ready to pick up the pace.

With the pitch sure and steady, following KES’s recent loam-improvements, and the outfield swift, runs began to accrue. And continue to accrue. Hewes, showing his usual distain for what was generally accurate bowling, swung the bat with gleeful abandon. Lewis dashed off yet another 25-plus to make up the Madeye-induced shortfall. Macca took delight in finding the short boundary. Newbie Tom overcame his initial frustrations at not quite timing shots by proceeding to hoist two sixes, one of which was duly ignored by scorer Howard. And Frith almost ran himself to an early grave (which, fortunately, he has conveniently located nearby) as he cut, drove and backed up like a man possessed (…).

All of which took Sloths to a dizzying score of 159. Yes, you read that correctly: one hundred and fifty nine. Unassailable, of course. Even in these conditions. Of course. So, I think we’ll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

But no. You want, naturally, to hear the rest of the detail. Of Hewes’ glorious first-ball wicket. Of Frith’s equally glorious – nay heavenly – first-ball wicket. Of the sound of leather on poly-carbonate as Bond proved he was finally wearing a box. Of Liam’s flight and guile as he pinned-down Oak’s opening duo.

Of Tom’s heroic bowling come-back, practically delivering a maiden in his first competitive over in 15 years. Of Macca’s consistently threatening accuracy.
Well, all of that happened and was magnificent, following – as it did – such a gratifying display of fine batsmanship.

Yet, somehow, Royal Oak managed to reach and, indeed, exceed the total required for them to steal victory. Nobody quite knows how this came to pass but pass it did. Sloths bowled well, fielding was by-and-large tight and energetic. Bond was unflappable behind the stumps, saving many a run through sheer balls. And, having failed to distract the batsmen with a display of country dancing last week, Sloths this time had an entire football team moving behind the bowler’s arm. But to no avail.

The Oaks remained mighty. They had four retirees and even their flakier batsmen managed to hit boundaries from what were actually decent deliveries. In the final over, and with a predictable flourish, a four was firmly struck to bring the visitors’ total to (whisper it… very quietly) 162.

So, all in all, this was a game for the connoisseur. It had a little bit of everything. Just not the win Sloth’s had anticipated. Though a little dejected in the clubhouse afterwards, the home side had to concede they were simply out-gunned. Individually, there were some fine performances and team morale was good on the pitch. As a wise, crisp-munching, man once nearly said: “Cricket is a simple game: twenty-two men throw around a ball for 40 overs and, at the end, Sloths always lose.”

For (near-) factual information, please refer to the score card. No doubt Captain Howard will provide a copy of same at the web site we all frequent with such regularity.

As ever, questions will be asked. Should spectators of football matches on the far pitch be required to wear head protection? Are visiting players actually allowed to perform circus skills in order to retrieve a lost ball? Is it appropriate for the opposing captain to give a warning when a senior Sloth is backing up? And how the f**k did we lose THAT????!!!!

No doubt, all these and more will be answered as Sloths build on what has been a characterful and [insert your own euphemism here] start to the season. Go Sloths!

Douglas Adams, Professor of Improbability, Slothful Times

YEALM BY VIDEO

Late Devonian Mass Extinction
as Headon thrives in Hadean Conditions

As the mercury pushed 30oC, a strong Bathampton side converged upon the KES fields for the first Sunday fixture of the season to take on new opposition Yealm. The Devonian visitors were on the last leg of their tour and turned up slightly late and one suspects slightly hungover. Pre-match mind games were already underway as the arriving team were treated to a frankly misleading sight of Sloth fielding practice drills and a seven year old belting the ball with aggressive intent. Captain Franks won the toss for BCC and charitably put the jaded tourists straight in to field in absolutely baking conditions.

Sloth openers Hewston and O’Herlihy the Kestrel wasted no time in setting the tone, reaping 7 and 8 from the first two overs with consummate ease. The outfield was lightning, and the pitch had been baked solid. More of the same followed with both batsmen oozing class and boundaries, and it was hard to see where a wicket was going to come from. Hewston then fished at a wide one, snicked it, and kicked himself all the way back to the pavilion having scored a useful 17. Lodge, now widely reknowned as the Chris Tavare of Wales, strode out and made an immediate statement with a cover drive for four. Feeling that on merit, the Welsh were clearly over-represented in this crack Lions Sloth team, O’Herlihy fronted up for his Irish kinsmen and absolutely spanked an on-drive to the rope – a belting shot. The runs continued to climb as the boiling conditions offered no respite for the fielders or indeed the batsmen.

A change of bowler saw some good pace up the hill from Price, and immediately it paid dividends. The Kestrel was tempted into a false stroke and was snaffled having scored a belligerent 26. Freshmeat joined the fray to make the case for the Scots contingent and was very nearly done first ball as Price sent another rozzer up the hill. Discretion prevailed, and with good left-arm stuff coming down the hill too from Hendreegh, the rate slowed somewhat. Lodge retook the strike though, and sent price to the boundary in consecutive balls – a perfect square drive followed by a bang-on square cut. Frustration followed as the bowler then sent the next ball for four byes down leg. Price won in the end though, nicking Lodge’s off-stump. However, the runs conceded seemed to spell the end of Price, for which the batsmen were rather grateful. Lodge went for 28 from 22 balls and Harper rejoined the battle and batted and ran like the Harper of old. Actually, that’s tosh – he batted brilliantly like the Harper of old, but also ran extremely well between the wickets. Harper added 21 from 14; Fresh on 52 was told to retire at the end of the over, and got caught next ball. Bonder hit some boundaries but also got tied down by some good bowling; The Colonel batted like a maniac while Bonder accumulated sedately, and by the close of play 199 had been posted with extras.

A rare wicket maiden from Fresh commenced proceedings down the hill, while Colonel Mustard started from the canal end with some miserable tripe that was duly dispatched. However, unfortunately for Ant, the Colonel tightened up his act after the first over. Yealm’s no.3 biffer, J Martin (del Potro?) biffed a few until he was caught for 19. Stitson followed suit as the Colonel conjured up a wicket in his final over, much to Ant’s delight. The Wlesh Maestro and Connor then took over the mantle applying pressure with some tight bowling. On a day of a sound all-round team bowling performance, Headon’s spell was exceptional, and got better and better, his last three overs going for 3,2 and finishing with a maiden. Upon such days one is moved to verse…

Yes. I remember Headon—
The name, because one afternoon
Of heat his express-train bowling drew up
Unwontedly. It was late mid June.

The steam hissed. Someone cleared his throat.
Various batsmen left and came
On the bare wicket. What I saw
Was Headon—only the bowler

And willows, willow-herb, and grass,
And meadowsweet, and haycocks dry,
No whit less still and lonely fair
Than the high cloudlets in the sky.

And for that minute a stumpchat sang
Close by, and round him, mistier,
Farther and farther, all the birds
Of Somerset and Wiltshire.

Lodge knicked a wicket and Headon clean bowled one, and frankly could have had several more. This effectively knocked the stuffing out of the tourists, now pink in both shirt and face. Hewes and O’Herlihy then followed up with yet more pressure, a maiden from Hewes and just 2 from the Kestrel’s first overs. Hewes snicked another. This left death bowling specialists Evetts and Franks to polish off the remaining 2 overs. Ed ‘Where he?’ Evetts sent down a baffling barrage of balls and eventually elicited the exit of the hitherto obdurate N Ross for a well fought 38. Time ran out for Yealm’s chase, ending with 155 from 30 overs. In broiling conditions, a fine victory was wrapped up by the Sloths through excellent bowling pressure maintained throughout the Yealm innings. Four catches were held too – credits to Hewes and whoever else held one.

Edward Thomas
Wastrel and Sports Correspondent for the Bathampton Literary Review








Bloody fluke this, James retakes position at top of bowling stats with rank ball. Hewes, probably on steroids, reacts most un-sloth like AND holds on. What a…

Hewes can bowl

Cream of Welshman

Hewes gives bruise

Eddie the Beagle

Bathford Nafbowling Blownaparte by Nelson’s Heavy Firepower


Napoleon once said ‘La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid’. Nelson, who got an E in GCSE French because he spent revision time in the nets, didn’t understand what on earth he was on about. Peu importe one might say having witnessed the admirable display of prowess by the young Nelson at Bathford on what was a perfect mid-summer’s evening at Bathford.

The away venue proved a difficulty for most of the selected team, as tardy Sloth texted fellow tardy Sloth variously noting that they would be late. With Edwards at home nursing his groin following his exploits the evening before*, the team on paper was down to 8 players. Strong leadership was going to be required in the face of such a paucity of players. Alas the leadership, aka Chairman Franks, was also ‘going to be a little bit late’. Fortunately, James ‘the Colonel’ McWilliam turned up to bolster the Sloth ranks to a starting 8 with the promise of more to come. Difficult to imagine that this would be sufficient against a full Bathford XI, but the sky was blue, the sun was out, and Madigan was nowhere to be seen – spirits were high among the Sloth contingent.

I imagine it was a mutual decision to put the Sloths into bat to give latecomers a chance of arriving, but being late, I’ve no idea. Opening the innings was the responsibility of Nelson and Headon Snr, the latter’s groin having made a miraculous recovery since Sunday following extensive deep tissue massaging, so I am told. All started quietly – a few byes, a leave outside off, a few jogged singles, a boundary. The bowlers then started to err in line, length and footing, and extras started to push the score up more rapidly than one might have expected. A few more boundaries from Nelson and Headon – the batsmen were getting the measure of the pitch. Then, without warning, Nelson launched Muson for a mighty straight drive six over mid-on. But contention ensued as the fielders claimed that it had not cleared the boundary, and the tension rose between fielding team, the home umpire and the visiting umpire.

As Muson reprised his bowling, the first ball went for a two and Nelson was told that he was to retire at the end of the over. Most Sloths worth their salt would defend/leave the next five balls and retire with their stats intact. The admirable Nelson eschewed this vice, and played the next five deliveries like the love-child of Viv Richards and AB De Villiers – 2, 6, 6, 6, 4. The second 6 was enormous again over mid-on, and the third was into the field. To add to the extraordinary drama, the square-leg Sloth umpire called no-ball to two of those deliveries, only to be dismissed by the home umpire. Some pedantry then ensued about the regulations of cricket, the difference between ICC and MCC laws and so on and so forth – unperturbed by this side-show, Nelson strode off retired on 47, and the score ratcheting up quickly.

Nelson’s success and some very slow bowling indeed had the Sloth confidence high, and a desire to deal only in boundaries seemed to grip the lower ranks. Bond came, spanked a four and went. Hewes came, spanked a four and went. Connor came, spanked two fours and went. Lewis came, spanked a four and went. Howard just came and left. The Colonel spanked 3 fours, and went. And all the while Headon Snr pottered along sensibly and nicely at the other end, blending boundaries with well judged singles. 16 overs into proceedings and no Chairman to be seen (having texted to say he was just leaving Portsmouth at 12 minutes to 6), so Nelson went back out to rejoin his opening partner. Some better bowling had been kept back, so a more sedate pace was adopted, and by the time Nelson was bowled, there were 170 runs on the board, and 2 balls left in the 20 overs. Magnificent stuff from Nelson and Headon Snr, with extras the other significant total.

Bathford kindly donated three fielders, all of whom were not only quality fielders, but also were very animatedly sledging their own batsmen and rejoining all wicket-taking celebrations. In the face of this and an imposing total, the home side imploded not surprisingly. The Colonel opened with his military medium, and once more did the batsman with an excellent slower ball in a carbon-copy of a dismissal the day previous. However, the square-leg umpires call of no-ball this time was accepted and no wicket given. Could have gone either way, but Howard, in a statistical sub-plot, shed no tears for the unfortunate Colonel. The irrepressible opener struck back though and bowled the geezer out. Connor bowled very well for three overs, and clean bowled another. Stumpchat took a fantastic catch standing up to Matt Headon (off a full run-up) and the home side were in trouble. Howard forced another two wickets; Bonder got one out with the leg-side trap. With the game as good as up, all sorts of shenanigans going were on in the field – Howard and Hewes using the natural topography to play hide and seek; wicket keepers bowling; bowlers wicket-keeping; and pacemen attempting leg-spin. Fielding plaudits to Bonder with some fantastic stops, the Colonel back to his normal capable self in the field (although there was one crass spillage I recall…), and all fielders lent to us by Bathford, all of whom were excellent. All out for 85, the locals had been powerless in the face of the full Nelson

As the summer evening was cooling and the sun was descending, the adrenaline of victory subsided and the mood became more reflective. Why was 12 minutes insufficient for Chancellor Franks to make it from Portsmouth to Bathford? How can Ant doctor the figures to ensure that he remains top wicket taker without it being noticed? Why are groin injuries becoming so commonplace amongst the middle-aged Sloths? Where was Kev? Who cared?

Handunnettige Deepthi Priyantha Kumar Dharmasena, ICC Umpire

*(refer to Guinness match report)

Fresh Guinness proves hard to swallow for Sloths


Following a victory over the Railway Taveners on Friday night, old foes Guiness turned up at the KES sportsfield on Tuesday with a suspiciously youthful looking team. Howard took up the mantle of leadership, attended the toss in the middle, lost it and realizing that a tough evening was in the offing, promptly nominated Freshmeat for captaincy while the latter was dropping the kids off at the pool. A shrewd move as it turns out.

The Sloth team was a blend of youth and experience with Yerbury, Bond and Harper providing the experience, and James ‘The Colonel’ Mustard McWilliam (see below), Cam, Connor and Liam providing the youth. Howard, Lewis, Hewes and Edwards provided the embittered and squeezed middle, long past their youth, but with no prospect of a peaceful retirement.

Leading wicket taker The Colonel was asked to open the bowling down the slope, with Liam coming up from the canal end. The Guinness openers set out their stall early and started with intent, despite some pretty good bowling. The first batsman was bowled by Liam (actually, I can’t remember who got him), and the talented Guinness number 3 stepped up. The Colonel gave him a long hop first ball which was spanked straight to square leg, where Cam Bond dropped an ankle-high dipper, somewhat hindered by his slow-recovering ACL. A few boundaries later the Colonel then pulled off a super slower ball and flummoxed the Guinness bosher into a massive top edge swipe, the resulting steepler snaffled one-handed at backward square.

What followed was some good aggressive batting, and despite some good bowling throughout, the score mounted quickly. The only notable highlights for the fielding team were a dropped catch (The Colonel), another dropped catch (The Colonel) and a rank misfield (The Colonel). Bowling credits to Liam, Yerbs, Hewes and Edwards. Connor found his line and length to look dangerous, but sadly only for his last two balls. Harper took some tap but responded well with a change to round the wicket being rewarded, bowling the batsman. By the end, Guinness had scored 145 with some fine power hitting around the park.

Sloths were encouraged to adopt an all-out attack to try to chase a good total. The first over was pretty wild with various wides and no balls, so Hewes waited until the first ball of the second over before whacking the first 6. Lots of good running and a straight drive took 12 from the over. By the time Freshmeat retired in over number 4, the Guinness opening bowler had been spanked for 30 from 2 overs, and the fielders were making our fielding look good. However, the bowling became rather better as the innings progressed. Hewes and Edwards batted well, the latter with poise and confidence until he pulled his groin. Once they had perished sloth after sloth fell on their sword swinging. Each time a few boundaries were stitched together, another wicket would fall. Harper hit some nice shots in a good partnership with Bonder Snr; the Colonel wasted no time in swinging hard; and Connor’s running was exemplary, sneaking runs all over the shop. The required run rate crept up though, and while the Sloth resources were dwindling, the bowling kept improving and 29 was required from the final over. Yerbury opined that the best thing he could do was to get out immediately and allow the retired captain to go back in. Presaging the wicket of Conner, Yerbs duly walked out and executed that plan with military efficiency, and one golden duck later, the captain went out and down with his sinking ship, castled last ball of the innings.

117 was scored by the Sloths in a brave but ultimately fated run-chase against what has to be said was a very strong batting and bowling performance from the visitors. It was a fine effort against a good team. Post-match entertainment involved the nursing of groins; a very interesting discussion about trays, their uses, pros and cons and where they can be procured; the benefits of lentil and rice at lunchtime; a rather questionable mustard-coloured sweater; and the dishing out of abuse to The Colonel – the traditional Sloth approach to making new players feel welcome.

Railway Taverners get onto the wagon and go off the rails…


The biggest cricket match of the weekend took place on Friday night in Bathampton as the locals welcomed back the roving Railway Taverners. An independent observer would actually have seen the North London tourists welcome the Sloths to their own Bathampton grounds as the locals applied their usual low standards of timeliness. In a bid for a first victory over BCC, the Taveners had strategically eschewed their usual hungover state for this fixture. Not only that, but they had also displayed a concerning level of application by turning up for a pre-match nets session.

By 6.15 the Sloths had assembled a quorum containing a good number of Headons. Headon Snr was carrying a groin strain, perhaps unsurprising noting the enormous brood of smaller Headons in tow. The coin toss was won by acting captain Fresh, and the tourists were put in to bat. Dan ‘the Kestrel’ O’Herlihy was given the new cherry and bowled with aplum (sic) down the hill. Mm. Taking inspiration from Pakistan’s massively unsuccessful strategy against India in the Champions Trophy, spin was used early with Hewston opening from the canal end. It looked like a coup when Tav opener Andy P nicked a ripper third ball, but Bonder had other ideas, palming it round the corner like Joe Hart (in his dreams). Regulation sloth cricket one might think. But Headon Snr nursing his crocked crotch at slip had other ideas and dropped to his right and plucked the ball one handed for a quite outstanding catch.

The Kestrel bowled another beauty of an over, getting past the edge of the bat regularly, and by the time Hewston had finished, only 13 runs had been scored. Continuing the pace down, spin up strategy, Howard and Headon Jnr Jnr (Liam) took over. A trap was laid for the leg-flick that was apparent from both batsmen and Tavener Simon flicked Howard’s first ball straight into the hovering Kestrel’s predatory beak. Not content with this outbreak of actual cricket, Howard blitzed the stumps with the next ball, with Aymon retiring for a golden duck. Dot. Dot. A double wicket maiden beckoned…but a rank leg side long-hop was gratefully sent to the boundary by skipper Greg to settle the visitors nerves. But alas for him Howard had got himself stuck in some sort of parallel universe and in a reversal of his normal approach, showed the rank long-hop to be the exception, and bowled out the captain next ball with a cracker. At the other end, Headon Jnr Jnr bowled with serious guile and intent and restricted run scoring. Headon Jnr Snr took over from Howard, whilst Headon Jnr Jnr was replaced by Headon Snr. Got it? Good stuff from both, although it was noted that off the short run-up, Headon Snr’s groin issue was preventing his usual penetration.

New Sloth Tom Edwards turned up at about 7.15, demonstrating sloth timekeeping from the off and took over from stand-in Chairman Franks. The livewire AJ meanwhile turned up for the visitors at the crease and played a great innings along with the recalcitrant opener Dom, still holding out. Lodge and Edwards kept it tight and 73 had been scored from 16. The last four saw a run-out, a golden duck for old friendly foe Tony the Duck (and the reinstatement of the duck hat in the field), a fine maiden from Hewes and a final total of 94 for the Taveners.

This proved tough to defend as Sloth openers took the initiative and having scored 52 of the runs from 36 balls, they made way for Edwards and Headon Jnr Snr who ticked along well until Headon was castled by Tony. Bathampton’s overseas player Lodge then stepped up and produced an astonishing display of timing and shot selection – both utterly appalling. This resulted in more dots than a Morse code translation of the entire works of Dylan Thomas. Unfortunately, this seemed to be contagious as Edwards joined in the dot-to-dot craze. The middle 5 overs saw 9 runs scored – credit to Greg and Simon for some tight bowling. Edwards then remembered how to play again, and slashed a couple of boundaries to concluded the proceedings.

Post-match entertainment involved a few sharpeners, Bonder extracting payment through a policy of fear and threat, a full pitch search for a missing wedding ring (sadly not apparent but if anyone spots one, let us know) and dishing out abuse to Lodgey. Thanks to Chairman Franks for fielding in lieu of Tom for an hour or so, and to Tom for washing up in the bar. We look forward to welcoming the Taveners back next year. Sobriety, as philosopher Montaigne once said, is overrated when playing T20 cricket on a Friday evening. We would strongly recommend a more socially liberal policy involving much more pre-match booze and a return to their more customary hungover state.

Michel Yyqem de Montaigne, Philosopher, Essay-writer and T20 Enthusiast

Sloths Thwart Dads

Record-Breaking Sloths Thwart Dads Renaissance

Famously, there has only ever been one recorded ‘Dads’ victory against Bathampton Sloths. However, the team fielded by ‘turncoat’ Tom Hardy yesterday at KES was generally recognised to be among the strongest to date. Fortunately for the hosts, it just happened that the scraped-together 11 of Sloth walking wounded featured a formidable line-up of quality batting. And many of those are no slouch with the ball either.

In a gesture of goodwill to the less practiced Dads – and having ascertained his injured and swollen hand would barely squeeze into a wicket-keeper’s glove – Stumpchat posted himself on the boundary. However, rather than rendering him inaudible this only served to make him even less comprehendible. Thus, the familiar running commentary took on a somewhat surreal, dream-like quality and it was left to Bonder to invoke the ‘magic ball’.

First, though, it was Sloth’s duty to set a target for Dads to essay. It would be uncharitable to suggest Rich Houston willed the early dismissal of senior-partner Lodge. However, there was no mistaking his glee at then having a partner – in Laurie Maylor – with whom he could run every nick, steer and fumble. And run they did, even managing four to the longest boundary before the ball was returned.

Which is not to say the Dads’ fielding was sloppy: far from it. Although not all Dads managed to bowl, those that did were largely accurate and testing. Several times, Rich and Laurie had to check their shots as the ball came through more slowly than anticipated from the recently-dampened turf. But both were seeing the ball well and largely finding the middle of the bat to good effect.

And so, a good, ‘proper’ contest ensued: Hewston, Maylor and Fresh all retiring and runs piling on as Danny O eschewed unnecessary effort in favour of clattering every third ball to the boundary. Memory fails me as to the details but Bonder must have featured in the runs as well and ‘Wides’ had a good showing too in bringing the final Sloth total to a whopping (possibly record-breaking) 174 from 20 overs.

You should really never say ‘never’ but for a scratch Dads side to make anything like this total would have been nigh-on miraculous. However, with a one-legged Bond junior hobbling around at slip, a one-handed Stumpchat twittering on the boundary and many of the team firmly into middle age, they fancied giving it a good go. Sloth fielders were thus treated to some elegant stroke play from regular league player Darren Barnes and also a gutsy performance from apparently-irregular-cricketer Tom. Both have intimated they may soon join the Slothful ranks, for which a degree of rejoicing must be in order.

There were a couple of questionable decisions where run-outs and stumpings were concerned. However, keeper Bond was uncharacteristically forthright in his defence of said decisions. Indeed, he went as far as to suggest those fielding in the deep didn’t know what the %^&)”@~ *!£? they were talking about. What else? Maylor bowled quickly. Hewston slowly. Franks somewhere in between. Bond junior off one leg. And Fresh marked out a run-up of such length he only had the energy to walk most of the way in. The usual stuff. ( I haven’t seen the score book and was drinking cider at the time.)

Dads managed a commendable 120-something and the whole thing was jolly splendid, really. A great score from Sloths against actually very good bowling and sharp fielding. And a solid defence of that total. Skipper Franks showed excellent sense of priority by leaving the field to man the bar during Dads’ innings. And a large crowd of mums, offspring and sundry friends/relatives largely ignored the whole thing. Pretty much everything you could ask for from this historic fixture. Except, of course, a Dads’ win… now did I mention that happened one time?

Michael Gove, Education Correspondent, Slothful Times

Think of a Report

Having only witnessed the dying overs of what was evidently a hotly contested fixture at KES Fields on Tuesday evening, I can only imagine what had led to this tense showdown. Suffice to say that the Sloth infographic will now need to be reconfigured to allow space for the plummeting trajectory of the win/loss line.

Jonty managed to consolidate his batting average with a further duck. In fairness, Jimmy Mac, still basking in the glory of a 3-wicket maiden (yes, indeed) was not unduly exercised by the notion of backing up his main rival at the top of the bowling charts. Rick Yerbury put in an early bid for this year’s Mr Angry award, also run-out, having declared ‘I’m not bloody running everything’ before taking to the crease and remaining true to his word.

Stumpchat bullied and cajoled a succession of batting partners, taking runs where none was offered and mostly getting away with it too. Luckily, this was a moonlit fixture and Royal Oak’s strategy of providing day-glo stumps and illuminating bails helped nobody. Day-glo relies, of course, on day-light and the bails remain dark until struck, so this plan was flawed from the start. Having said that, leaving their medium-quick bowlers to the last overs was possibly not entirely within the spirit of the fixture.

Apparently, earlier in the game, one of the Royal Oak fielders had tried to catch the ball using his eyebrow and was subsequently whisked away to the RUH for emergency sitting-in-a-waiting-room. This left them two players down (another had to drive the patient), which meant overs needed to be made up. Oak’s main attack bowlers generously offered to fill the void, ensuring the 36 needed from the final 4 overs was never likely to be reached.

But there’s plenty to cheer. Chiefly, James McThingumybob’s three wickets in four balls in his first over. That’s the second 3-wicket maiden for Sloths in just three games (the other from Jonty ‘Schwartzenegger’ Frith) and moves have already been made behind the scenes to ensure James is unemployable anywhere outside the Bathampton area. Also, Johnny Fresh’s return to form with a

retirement on 25+, so too Laurie ‘not throwing’ Maylor, gives cause for cautious optimism. I’ve no idea what either innings was like but one can only imagine they were both magnificent.

Whilst three losses in three games is possibly not the ideal start to a season, all have been entertaining and eventful encounters. There have been some outstanding individual performances* and, who knows, maybe at some point Sloths will manage to deliver as a team. Just imagine…

*Speaking of performances, if you are wondering about the significance of this week’s title, take a look at this: www.thinkofasong.com (yes it’s a shameless plug but nobody pays me for this shit). See you there.

Marina Abramovic, Performance Analyst, Slothful Times

A royal roasting…

Recipe for Roasted Sloth

Take a fair selection of youth, just enough to make it look tasty. Season with a handful of elder sloths.

Bowl your best 4 opening bowlers keeping the run rate to under 5 an over.

Bring on triple-wicket-maiden James Mc-Ringer-Williams to remove any opening batsmen.

Match should now be golden, and you may, mistakingly, think it done and dusted.

To properly roast the sloth marinade, for a couple of overs in self-smugness and over confidence before revealing your openers were in fact, lower order batsman.

Thrash intently for 10 – 15 overs before repeating process with your bowlers, starting with the pie chuckers and ending with your speed bowlers.

For optimum flavour and taint of offal, ensure said speed bowlers come on in the fading light.

Well done to Spam and Bubba, the latter discovering he can play himself in taking 6 balls to score and a further 16 to retire, the former doing so in 33 balls but like it says on the can “Fresh Meat – gone stale”….