Napoleon once said ‘La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid’. Nelson, who got an E in GCSE French because he spent revision time in the nets, didn’t understand what on earth he was on about. Peu importe one might say having witnessed the admirable display of prowess by the young Nelson at Bathford on what was a perfect mid-summer’s evening at Bathford.

The away venue proved a difficulty for most of the selected team, as tardy Sloth texted fellow tardy Sloth variously noting that they would be late. With Edwards at home nursing his groin following his exploits the evening before*, the team on paper was down to 8 players. Strong leadership was going to be required in the face of such a paucity of players. Alas the leadership, aka Chairman Franks, was also ‘going to be a little bit late’. Fortunately, James ‘the Colonel’ McWilliam turned up to bolster the Sloth ranks to a starting 8 with the promise of more to come. Difficult to imagine that this would be sufficient against a full Bathford XI, but the sky was blue, the sun was out, and Madigan was nowhere to be seen – spirits were high among the Sloth contingent.

I imagine it was a mutual decision to put the Sloths into bat to give latecomers a chance of arriving, but being late, I’ve no idea. Opening the innings was the responsibility of Nelson and Headon Snr, the latter’s groin having made a miraculous recovery since Sunday following extensive deep tissue massaging, so I am told. All started quietly – a few byes, a leave outside off, a few jogged singles, a boundary. The bowlers then started to err in line, length and footing, and extras started to push the score up more rapidly than one might have expected. A few more boundaries from Nelson and Headon – the batsmen were getting the measure of the pitch. Then, without warning, Nelson launched Muson for a mighty straight drive six over mid-on. But contention ensued as the fielders claimed that it had not cleared the boundary, and the tension rose between fielding team, the home umpire and the visiting umpire.

As Muson reprised his bowling, the first ball went for a two and Nelson was told that he was to retire at the end of the over. Most Sloths worth their salt would defend/leave the next five balls and retire with their stats intact. The admirable Nelson eschewed this vice, and played the next five deliveries like the love-child of Viv Richards and AB De Villiers – 2, 6, 6, 6, 4. The second 6 was enormous again over mid-on, and the third was into the field. To add to the extraordinary drama, the square-leg Sloth umpire called no-ball to two of those deliveries, only to be dismissed by the home umpire. Some pedantry then ensued about the regulations of cricket, the difference between ICC and MCC laws and so on and so forth – unperturbed by this side-show, Nelson strode off retired on 47, and the score ratcheting up quickly.

Nelson’s success and some very slow bowling indeed had the Sloth confidence high, and a desire to deal only in boundaries seemed to grip the lower ranks. Bond came, spanked a four and went. Hewes came, spanked a four and went. Connor came, spanked two fours and went. Lewis came, spanked a four and went. Howard just came and left. The Colonel spanked 3 fours, and went. And all the while Headon Snr pottered along sensibly and nicely at the other end, blending boundaries with well judged singles. 16 overs into proceedings and no Chairman to be seen (having texted to say he was just leaving Portsmouth at 12 minutes to 6), so Nelson went back out to rejoin his opening partner. Some better bowling had been kept back, so a more sedate pace was adopted, and by the time Nelson was bowled, there were 170 runs on the board, and 2 balls left in the 20 overs. Magnificent stuff from Nelson and Headon Snr, with extras the other significant total.

Bathford kindly donated three fielders, all of whom were not only quality fielders, but also were very animatedly sledging their own batsmen and rejoining all wicket-taking celebrations. In the face of this and an imposing total, the home side imploded not surprisingly. The Colonel opened with his military medium, and once more did the batsman with an excellent slower ball in a carbon-copy of a dismissal the day previous. However, the square-leg umpires call of no-ball this time was accepted and no wicket given. Could have gone either way, but Howard, in a statistical sub-plot, shed no tears for the unfortunate Colonel. The irrepressible opener struck back though and bowled the geezer out. Connor bowled very well for three overs, and clean bowled another. Stumpchat took a fantastic catch standing up to Matt Headon (off a full run-up) and the home side were in trouble. Howard forced another two wickets; Bonder got one out with the leg-side trap. With the game as good as up, all sorts of shenanigans going were on in the field – Howard and Hewes using the natural topography to play hide and seek; wicket keepers bowling; bowlers wicket-keeping; and pacemen attempting leg-spin. Fielding plaudits to Bonder with some fantastic stops, the Colonel back to his normal capable self in the field (although there was one crass spillage I recall…), and all fielders lent to us by Bathford, all of whom were excellent. All out for 85, the locals had been powerless in the face of the full Nelson

As the summer evening was cooling and the sun was descending, the adrenaline of victory subsided and the mood became more reflective. Why was 12 minutes insufficient for Chancellor Franks to make it from Portsmouth to Bathford? How can Ant doctor the figures to ensure that he remains top wicket taker without it being noticed? Why are groin injuries becoming so commonplace amongst the middle-aged Sloths? Where was Kev? Who cared?

Handunnettige Deepthi Priyantha Kumar Dharmasena, ICC Umpire

*(refer to Guinness match report)