vs. Stella Select, 7th May 2024

Nope, must be a mirage. Can’t be real. AI, probably. Sloths stared, confusedly, at the big yellow ball thing in the sky that was giving off some kind of heat. Then again, they stare confusedly at most things. Once it was confirmed as being the actual sun, gasps were shared and hands held aloft. We’d made it to ‘summer’.

Fresh began with his usual trick of shouting at everyone to hurry up, but not mention what we should be hurrying to exactly. Were we fielding or did we need to get pads on? Turns out, we were fielding and so his shouting honed in on the padless Stumpchat, who had to decant four separate bags for his kit and one secret compartment on his new child bike trailer (which is definitely a cricket bag transporter first, then a family after-thought).

Sloths bowled with varying gusto, aim and pace to bewildered Stella batters facing their first game of the season. Ish bowled quick with some on-length and some beamers at their hips for no reward but Porridge bowled dibbly-dobblers, short and on leg and got two wickets. Ah, that fair old game ‘Cricket’. After 6 overs, Stellas were struggling at 11-3, Ed Jadeja having wheeled through an over and attracting a thin edge to (the now padded) Stumpchat. Runs came more freely against Laz’s variable length, Nash’s legging and Frank’s first whirl in a while. A rare boundary featured a prowling Laz special; he began charging at the bouncing ball before panicking, retreating and hurling himself backward as the ball chuckled past. Brent Trent Boult grabbed himself a(nother) wicket and declared “Oh, it’d just be nice to get in the match report” but HA this reporter won’t be so easily swayed to mention his continued run of wickets, NO, I won’t be fooled into mentioning it. Good Will swung it a mile, grabbed a wicket and there was the welcome sight of Jimmy landing his mystery legging, with thanks to the ‘Special Burger’ he’d had (round the back of) at The George beforehand. Sloths set 110 to win!

Buoyed by the burger, Jimmy opened and looked fluid, Ed swung and swung hard. Excitement bubbled away in the batting line up as Ish entered at 3, with his bat from that had been delivered via The Netherlands. Looks were shared as the bat was revealed, had it shrunk on the flight? Nope, it was his childhood bat, his pride and joy. This pride obviously didn’t stop some Sloth ridicule but he silenced the doubters with some legside sixes that sounded like gunshots, a deer 3 miles away ducked. Frank scurried his way to 4 before a disastrous run out bringing in Fresh to gently lift his second ball to mid off, declaring on his return “Well, that was shit”, to much agreement. This left the aesthetically-pleasing, proper-cricket-connoisseurs Stu and Laz to cover drive their way to the finish line. Stu maintaining that he would only play the proper shot at the proper time. So duly won the game with a mow over cow off a ball on off for 6 (one for the purists there). The grin on his face told all that he couldn’t wait to message P Mac to let him know.

As the sun came down, Stellas and Sloths revelled in this new found season that some have referred to as ‘summer’.

Vs. Bear Flat Dad’s at KES, 30th April 2024

How many John’s does it take to play a game of cricket? Turns out, 24.

14 SlothJohns and 10 Bear Flat Dad’s met at KES under threatening skies for a titanic battle. As Sloths drifted in, word got round that we were batting, nobody knew where this word had come from but BadJohn and LazurusJohn were keen to don the pads. Pads? Pads! The club bag was missing, caught in traffic (like many a Sloth claimed to be in) and so the batting line up was decided by who had their own pads. Playground rulez.

As with evening games in April, 20:20 can be a stretch and so to speed this game up it was decided the first 10 overs would be bowled from one end. Or was that 9? Are we doing 18 overs? “Wait, that over was 7 balls”, “oh yeah, I think we’re replaying no balls”, “but there was a wide too”, “oh I think we’re not replaying wides”, “right”. A scorer’s dream.

This unsettling unsettlement may have distracted the Sloths batters who collectively decided to “make it interesting” and crash to 22-5 (accuracy debatable, but you get the picture). LazarusJohn kept his new bat new by making sure he got clean bowled early, JimmyJohn aesthetically-pleasingly playing off the back foot to a full ball and bowled, StumpJohn in shorts out to a pie, off-field pads were being found and flung on at a rate of knots. JimmerJohn declared he “fancied it” and looked to be settling in nicely before the on-loan TooGoodNashJohn ran him out from square leg to gasps from all. JohnJohn and PorridgeJohn weighed anchor and repelled some of the short stuff from on-loan LazersJohn. GoodJohn launched 3 sixes in his 11 ball 25 and was seen afterwards on a lengthy call, rumours of a Kolkata Knight Riders contract are rife. The innings was steered expertly to a close with some fine strokes from KiwiJohn and SnakeJohn to set a competitive 112 off of 20 overs, or was that 18?

SlothJohns scurried onto the field, buoyed by the wagging tail to begin their defence. High-quality John-chat led by BadJohn from the lengthening shadows of the pavilion spurred the SlothJohns to reduce BFD to 32-5! KiwiJohn again bagging a wicket in his first over, JohnJohn despite protesting about having no warm-up bowled a wicket-maiden, JadejaJohn tweaked an edge behind to jubilant StumpJohn, RicJohn bowled marvellously again for no (tangible) reward and thus bringing TooGoodJohnNash to the crease. Alongside a dogged partner they rotated the strike and plundered boundaries. JimmyJohn nearly took a screamer diving at mid-on but SlothJohn control was regained with JimmerJohn’s tweakers stifling the runs and wickets from GoodJohn and StickyJohnPorridge. In the gloom LazersJohn and TooGoodNashJohn could’ve won it with some serious hitting but even the pink (ish) ball was too tricky to spot, with Captain Jonathan John Fresh bowling his “spin” (as fast as he could, with a run up).

Charity beers were drunk as the rain lashed in and the scorers went to find a small dark room to assume the foetal position.

vs. The Offsiders, Bathampton, 23rd April 2024

Just like that, a near-forgotten sun began to set over the pavilion, weary Sloths emerged from their hibernation and once again began gathering, awkwardly in a car park. Like prime athletes they descended down to the pavilion once the all-clear flare was lit. Eyes quickly scanned the ground and reached the gleaming BROWN (ish) wicket. Rain? What rain?! 6 months of the wet stuff had written cricket grounds off all across the country but here stood a glorious sight. All herald the unseen heroes toiling the land! (Someone, anyone, give that groundsman a medal).

Some Sloths under 4 layers of clothing and others donning bobble hats spluttered to a start and a game of cricket against The Offsiders leapt off the line. Lawrie strode down the hill, seemingly 2 feet taller than last year and put it straight down leg to begin. Oh we’re back! Brent Boult opened up the hill with his Kiwi tweaks and hit a perfect length to rattle leg stump first ball. Then apologised, he’s the full Kiwi package. Miserly bowling pinned down the Offsiders batters who repeatedly risked singles to the casual-looking new Sloth recruit in the covers. Turns out, Nash has played a bit of cricket before and regularly hurled the ball in, with accuracy, to Porridge who gleefully whipped off the bails twice (and would’ve once more if he’d have been stood where he thought he was stood).

Accurate Sloth bowling continued with fellow new recruit Ish steaming in and drawing an edge, Riccy lithely bowling a particular jaffa and Ed Jadeja Evetts strangling the scoring. Lazarus was back in his element prowling the boundary, Bonder in the slips with those bucket hands and skipper Gas Man was bowling bombs. Some spectacular swings off Nash’s dibblers added some fireworks towards the innings end, with a Porridge celebrappeal stumping and a clean-bowled off the final ball leaving Nash on a hat-trick. Maybe he’ll never play again? Emails to Andy Zaltzman for the stat on longest hat-trick please.

Set 86 to win, Porridge and Nash were sent out and chased as a Dom Sibley and Ben Duckett double act. Nash reached his retirement with a guide through the covers and then exploded with two huge hits to bring the free-swinging Will Lewis to the crease. Who duly then scored more than Porridge had and had the gusto to win the game with a six! Frozen but gleeful Sloths and great-spirited Offsiders all hurried to The George to herald in the new season.