The much-anticipated brush with Painter failed to matterialise as Offsiders did their best to gloss over his absence and avoid a whitewash last night at KES. Apparently, following his trip to Russia, Jim had caught a nasty dose of the Trotskys. Given his form on leaving loose stools on the outfield, perhaps this was for the best. Or was the prospect of facing-down his Sloth teammates just too daunting? (… as Putin likes to say: “When the going must get tough, the tough Moscow” …)

In the event, Offsiders managed to field eleven by calling in Danny O’s sixth-form chums. However, Sloths saw their youthfulness and raised it with a now-familiar brace of junior Friths. And what an impact the progeny of Jonty had. Samuel’s pace belied his slight frame to produce an early wicket from a straight, full ball. Harry then brought the second dismissal with a direct hit on the stumps from square of the wicket and the third, a catch from his own bowling at mid-off by – you guessed it – Frith Senior.

Later in the Offsider innings, Harry facilitated another run-out through his quick hands and accurate arm. So too Franks. Preferring not to sully his hands with a catch, he opted instead to return the ball to the bowler for an easy dismissal of the wrong-footed non-striker. Later, Franks was unable to avoid a lobbed thick edge from the bowling of Howard. Following his wicket earlier that over, this gave Howard yet another double-wicket maiden and surely makes him a contender for the Fuckworth-Lewis trophy – or, in any case, the least popular player in the team. But wait. No. That honour must surely now go to Lewis. More of which later.

Dan-O faced a barrage of abuse from his on-looking KES peers as he came on to bowl from the Paramedic End. This initially induced a couple of wides but his response was to take out the leg stump of one of Offsiders’ more threatening batsmen. And oh the sweet justice as Dan bowled a peach of a delivery to clip the bails of one of his tormentors from the next ball.

Notley took a wicket, once again, with his first ball. SDS invited all and sundry to swing across the line but never quite managed to induce the seeming inevitability of a catch. So, he too opted for the direct route, bowling somebody or other with a ball that did something or other. Or not. And so on – until no Offsider remained standing and their total had limped to a meagre 78.

Franks, in an inspired piece of captaincy, then decided it would be a wizard wheeze to generate the Sloth batting order through the power of poetry. Sadly, his sense of metre is about as good as his footwork. So, the results – though entertaining – did not necessarily scan: Frith, Frith, Frith, Dalley-Smith, Madeye, Notley, Bond. We don’t think he’ll be troubling the Nobel Literature Prize panel any time soon.

However, this provided Frith-the-Younger-Younger (Harry) an opportunity to show what he is made of. And he is made of steel. Offsiders gave no concession to Frith’s smallness of stature or tenderness of years. Instead, he faced some of the quickest bowling seen in these parts (arguably quicker than Old Ed’s much-vaunted Kit), from another of Dan-O’s compatriots. Unperturbed, Frith deployed the ‘leave’ to good effect and simply waited for friendlier deliveries, which he played with assurance and solid technique to retire, unbeaten, on 26. This surely makes Frith the youngest Sloth to retire in a 20-over game.

Offsiders were, however, causing a few problems for the Sloth batsmen. After the fall of early wickets, the run rate slowed to a near-funereal pace – until Notley, like a man possessed, took to the crease. He got off to a swift start and looked likely to score an easy 25. However, he hadn’t reckoned on facing Offsiders’ secret weapon. Freshmeat. Yes, you read that correctly. Offsiders youth policy had blown up in their faces when Dan-O’s cohorts decided it more pressing to catch a film screening than complete the game. Incredible! Not only that but they took Dan with them – Incredible 2!

So Sloths had been asked to provide a substitute fielder. Seeing who it was they had been provided with, Offsiders then took the opportunity to employ Fresh’s obvious talents as a bowler. To say this caused Notley some disgruntlement may be something of an understatement. To say he was then gratified to hit a wayward delivery to the boundary would be a serious dereliction of descriptive duty. And to say he was incensed to be dismissed next ball would be to negate one’s obligation as narrator and commentator. Let’s just say he was not best pleased. And he sent the ball once more to the boundary. Only, this time, after his wicket had been taken. He’s not been seen since.

Cue Dot-Ball-Bond to finish things off. In fairness, there were plenty of overs remaining and Bond, sensibly, wasn’t in a hurry to give up his wicket through rash impatience. Instead, he knocked-off a couple of singles, and then calmly sent the ball over the long-off boundary for the winning runs. In the end, this was an easy win but that is to take nothing away from some splendid performances, chiefly from the Frith clan (two more of whom are eagerly waiting in the wings). And Ant. And Dan –though he probably should get no credit after his disgraceful display of poor priority-setting

Questions will inevitably be asked after such an incident-laden encounter. Is it appropriate for a team short on players to bowl a substitute fielder ahead of their own men? Can a new award be instated in recognition of familial contribution (Headons vs Friths!)? And what would happen were Notley, and Gillings to be left alone in a secluded room with Lewis? And could we sell tickets?

Phil Davies, Genealogy Correspondent, Slothful Times