firsts
(fɜːsts)
pl n
(Commerce) saleable goods of the highest quality
Sunday – our FIRST game of the season.
With few volunteers for the initial game of the season, El Capitano was scratching for a team, nothing new – Sloths hibernate and wake slowly. Franks did eventually managed to mass a full team, albeit with a few new faces and a few old ones (the new looking younger, the old, older). This therefore is our second “FIRST” of the day – Bathampton managing 11 “players” for a Sunday in April.
FIRST match for young Luc Horrux (Horrilocks? Horcrux? Horlicks?) – Luc looks a proper sloth (personality outweighing any modicum of talent) unlike some of our recent new breed of goodie-goodie “Super-Sloth” youth (all talent).
Someone who gave one, did toss and Bathampton went into bat. Another FIRST was the decision to opening with a partnership of Harding and Howard. Facing some decent bowling by (ex-Sloth, now traitor) Frith junior, Harding opted to do the sensible thing and ran out Howard, allowing some decent batsmen to the crease. FIRST run out of the season goes to Harding.
Next up was Harper, batting for the FIRST time with his new bionic eyes. Harding soon decided traitor Firth was too much for him and wanting to spend a bit of time with the family, let one through onto the stumps. This turned out to be a brilliant decision as it finally brought Super-Sloth Paul Mac-caul-ley to bat. McCall_lee being one of the aforementioned Uber-Kinder-Sloths. Mick-Cork-Leigh then proceeded to hit 58 off 53 balls. Shocking both teams and forcing the captains to bring in the “retire at 50” rule for the safety of the game. How MuckCall-Lee got 58 is still a mystery.
Inspired by MaCauleigh’s efforts Bond then turned up the gas, smashing sixes with a regular aplomb. And though not as elegantly, more agriculturally, Bond too retired reaching his 50 of less balls than Paul Mac. (Though this could be down to the scorer – the book has Bond reaching 52 of 43 deliveries. So another FIRST, first time an old twat has out batted Uber-Kinder-Sloth on a Sunday.
As Bond was inspired by Paul Mac, Edwards likewise took from Bond. Turning the “agricultural” up a notch Tom added a quick 16 more to the total.
Luc Horli-locks baptism at the crease then followed with El Capitanio himself in partnership as “tuition”. Franks demonstrated his full range of ground strokes, stopping short at the overhead smash, adding 33 to the score and a degree of bewilderment to young Horli-locks, who presumed he’d be playing cricket and not tennis doubles. Franks then ran himself out on the penultimate ball, allowing Paul Haith (Faith? Fraight – oh fuck it…) his FIRST ball as a sloth (but just the one).
Sloths had managed 203 of the 30 overs (quite possibly another FIRST).
The chronic slope at Bathford aided to our spinners but showed many an elder sloth up in the field, with arms and legs lacking any real co-ordination. Bowling saw the return of Kev D’Pipe, all mouth, no talent, proper Sloth. Now looking a tad more “Rusty”, Pipe partnered with Harding. The inept plumbers leaked runs (laking the necessary PTFE to do the job). Pipe going for 17 off three overs (no wickets) and Harding 17 off four overs, one wicket. Howard then showed the inept plumber-bowlers how not to leak, with three overs for 5 (1 wicket, 1 maiden). Paul Mac then promptly shat all over those figures bowling two overs, for 1 one run, 1 wicket, 1 maiden). Thankfully, Franks retired him after the two overs, again to protect the match and quite possibly any stats. Paul Haith proved keen with ball (3 overs for 6 runs, no wickets but one maiden). Yerbury too pitched in like a vicious sloth gerbil dismissing one of Bathford’s better batters with the aid of a stunned Howard – demonstrating the “always catch with body behind ball” technique which has left him with a collapsed right lung and possible cracked ribs. Tail enders were picked off mercilessly by Edwards and newcomer Luc Horli-golden-bollocks taking hist FIRST wicket, caught and bowled, so technically his FIRST catch for the team to boot. He then bowled their last batsman to finish the match.
Bathford 109 off 25 overs, all out.
Result, a team of “Firsts” for sure, how much we’d get for them is another matter.
For those with short sloth-like memories, last years’ opener versus Bathford, saw a poor draggle of nine sloths emerge from hibernation and get soundly trashed. The good Rev turning up late after a wedding, took a hattrick and then promptly was bowled for a duck, twice. (Having bowled the nine, Bathford allowed us to try again).
Match highlights: Harding family learning new vocabulary. Paul MaCackley’s parents attending to see his two overs but missing the tonk. Bonder’s smile retiring…
Footnote: new sloths, can we please have the correct spelling of your last name. New ringers: YCFOAW