Author: Web-ed Sloth

Match Report: Blue Storm (Bath Uni) vs Bathampton Sloths

After a 2 year Covid-induced hiatus, the Bath Indoor Cricket league returned for a slightly abbreviated 2022 season. Sloths in Division A is a worrying prospect only made worse by the fact that almost all the skilful players who helped secure the promotion had either moved to colonial outposts (Singapore, Norfolk) or just couldn’t be arsed to turn up. When the 12 yr old has played more indoor matches than 3 of the other Sloths in the team, its fair to say that the cards were somewhat stacked against. Luc and Veal joined Fresh as the experienced backbone of the team while debutants Will and George stepped gamely up to the plate. Finally with Bear Flat Dad and now honorary Sloth Chris Salmon rising to the occasion, a team had been cobbled together.

Storm won the toss and put the green Sloth unit in to bat. Fresh and indoor deb Will Maslin opened, and watched on bemused while Storm haemorrhaged extras with their short-pitched stuff. Although they fielded well, they also left some big gaps which were exploited to the full. Fresh and the Salmon opted for the gap to the back wall, whilst Will opted for the gap between the actual gaps, hitting one fielder’s middle stump and flooring the poor chap. The Salmon smoked various short balls to the back wall, and ran impressively between the wickets. By the time he fell (hook line and sinker), Horrex had just one ball to face and managed resourcefully to get 6 runs out of it. Will carried his bat having show technique and positive intent throughout. George and Veal contented themselves on the balcony with taking video nasties of the oppo’s misfortune. A pretty impressive 113 for 2 wickets had been scored. Top scorer extras, actual top scorer Chris Salmon, leaping to the top of the stats leaderboard. 113 was certainly above parr.

Storm, clearly a team of youth and proper cricketing ability, then came out to bat. The Salmon opened the bowling with some mysterious legspin stuff while George opted straight and fast lasers – both highly effective, with very few extras. Will had a decent shout for an early run-out, but was turned down. The batters looked to smash the back wall, but met serious resistance with Will and George solid at mid on and mid off. Veal and George formed a good partnership where Veal bowled lefty straight stuff and George fielded almost every ball at mid-on. With this pressure, wickets started to fall all of a sudden, with calm run-outs, yorkers, catches and one hit roof. Before you could say ‘top of the league’, it was all over. The rookie Sloth outfit had completed a memorable smash-and-grab to take an early top spot in Division A.

The experienced indoorists know that you need to run between the wickets to win a match. That’s assuming the other team can bowl on the track though. Storm will kick themselves for wayward bowling and then succumbing to the scoreboard pressure. Swimming against the Blue tide of youth and ability( and benefitting from being the first match to be played) the Sloths had moved to the top of the league whilst employing the minimum of movement.

After the match, various semi-hibernating sloths took the opportunity to share effusive messages of congratulation, support, and mutual friendship on social media, helping the newer Sloths to gain a deeper underlying of the true spirit of Slothdom. Now we just need some nicknames for Will and George…

Dads, Debuts and Doombar

With watchful eyes turned skywards, the eagerly anticipated Sloths Dads match began under grey skies, on a covered and excellently prepared wicket.

The Dads fielding a full team won the toss and took the field, many coaxing the memories of bowling back into limbs and muscles that had not rotated in many summers.

Dads captain Harding and Batsman Barnes took the new ball whilst Sloths Stump and Kestrel scratched out their guards. Finding the pitch very responsive to village medium fast bowling Stump and Kes battled through the first 4 overs scoring just 15.

Debutant Dibley and returning Dad Maloney continued to make scoring runs hard work for Stump and Kestrel, 8 overs gone and only 47 scored. With massed ranks of The Sloths gathered on boundary egging on the batsmen, Stump started to find his form with the bat retiring in the 9th over.

With runs hard still hard to find Debutant Mills and return Dad Edwards set about the sloth batting, first victim was Kestrel, looking to press on, a vicious straight drive was bravely parried by bowler Edwards giving Harding an easy catch at mid on. Haith then followed as Edwards deceived him with some flight and guile.

Sloth Debutant ‘Mad Jock’ Harrison strode to the crease (cricket debut at 55) ready to take on all comers, well coached by Bond and umpire Stump, Harrison edged and scampered to a respectable 7 before being bowled.

The Dads bowling continued to thwart the Sloths scoring, Bond sliced and cut his way to 15, Franks tried to push the rate but fell to a sharp stumping for 7 and Harper succumbed to more magic from Edwards. Notley was last man out for 3. Edwards finished with 5 wickets, Dibley and Mills with 1 each. 103 the target set thanks to a decent bowling effort and committed fielding.

Starting the chase the Dads sent out Gordon and Boreham, Gordon looking to erase the duck of his previous outing and Boreham on Dads debut.

The Kestrel opened up and a watchful few balls from Boreham was followed by a first ball boundary from Gordon, and thus the tone of the chase was set. Kestrel and Yerbury struggles to contain the watchful Boreham and free hitting Gordon. 4 overs completed and the Dads were ahead of the rate (20 from 4).

Bond and Harper took overs 4-8 and Boreham and Gordon took on the short boundary and found it 9 times in 4 overs. Gordon raced to 33 before retiring, Boreham quickly reached 25 and fell to a sharp chance snaffled by Stump of the bowing of Harper.

Despite both openers departing the Dads had raced to 66-1 by the end of the 8th. Stump then turned to full all rounder by taking the bowing and if we are being honest, his game took a downward turn, ultimately conceding 20 runs off his 2.4 overs and a howler of an over through affording Maloney 5 runs and severely denting bowler Franks’ numbers.

The Dads batsmen Davis and Barnes tried to keep up the blistering run rate, Davis bowled by nelson for 4 and a trophy wicket for Franks as he was able to deceive Barnes with flight.

Maloney and Lewis took up the batting and dealing mostly in boundaries (and the odd over throw for 5), raced the score towards the victory target, Maloney (15no) and Lewis (14no) saw the Dads over the line in 12.4 overs and in doing so sealed a rumoured second only victory in this most keenly awaited contest.

When all was done the doombars were downed, drowning the sorrows of defeat and growing the satisfaction of victory. A good game played in the right sprit. Till next Summer……..

P.T.F.E sloth, heating corespondent, slothful times.

SHOCK AT GLASS HOUSE AS FATHER PULLS OFF SON

Thursday, GlassHouse pitch, Combe Down side of Bath 6pm, 10 Bear Flat Dads and 3 Sloths. Admittedly one of the Bear Flat Dad’s must have set a paternity record being only 12 but who am I to judge?

As Sloths slowly emerged it looked like we’d have nearly a full team. Borrowing a few BFD’s for fielders until the slacker Sloths made it. Nelson even found the correct ground. Fresh brought along Laurie, who at 9, I believe sets another record as youngest Sloth to play for Bathampton in a full game.

Johnny Fresh was elected captain and having lost the toss took to the field. Howard (4 for 2) opened the bowling with three crap deliveries, severely testing the fielders who managed well, before he found a good ball dispatching their opener. Liam Heeden (8 for 0) opened from the other end and kept it tight. Howard finished his two taking the 12-year-old dad with a simple caught and bowled. Luc Golden Horcux-i-locks (8 for 2) then continued the pressure taking a couple more wickts for only eight runs. El Capitano (8 for 0) himself partnering with a tight two. Lodge (3 for 0!) with buddy Adrian (12 for 1). Dan (10 for 1) and young Laurie (10 for 0) bowled well before Freshmeat (4 for 2) and Stump chat (3 for 0!) put the lid on it – though to be fair BFD were down to their last wickets.

A look at the score book adds further confusion as we seem to be missing a wicket and though the bowling figures were good, extras must have been large as their total came to 86. Which if the scorer is to be trusted must have been 20 byes? As wides would have shown in the bowling figures. If this is the case – shame on you Stu. Can you try harder next time?

It has to be said Captain Fresh, seemed to have done well. Being the only Sloth captain to actually place fielders does help and either by luck or dark magic, Fresh’s placements proved canny and often correct.

As with all things Sloth however, it is and never will be, that simple. Fresh decided to reverse the batting order to spice things up. Opening with Dan and Liam, with Howard and Goldi-Luc-ing Horcux in the wings.

Good bowling does what it does and in no time at all Liam found himself partnering with Adrian (our number five). It was in the ninth over that the Sloth hit their first boundary (Adrain nice drive for a 4) taking the score to a pitiful 32! Chasing a remarkably low total the Sloths seemed to be doing their best not to snatch a defeat from jaws of victory, they seemed determined to drag defeat from the bowls of victory, and drag it very very slowly.

Twas then that Fresh, with anus constricting, brought out the bug guns. Stump chat padded up. Russ was recalled from umpire duty. Lodge and Fresh padded too. Young Laurie, who had been promised a bat by his dad, was without much explanation dropped down the order. To bring on a 9 year old at such a critical moment would have proved too much and Jonny’s anus certainly couldn’t take further constriction.

Again Fresh’s captaincy proved perfect – with Stump chat blasting a quick 26 off 18. Having punted defeat back down the bowls and with anus restoring to normal dimensions, Fresh decided he would risk the young Laurie. Who took to the crease. The brave lad stood little higher than the stumps. A full toss hitting mid way up the wicket would, by the laws of the game be a no ball! Laurie did well and survived the over but failed to score (his bat was about a third the size of his dads, WTF do you expect?!!). Fresh, with anus now resuming it’s constriction than pulled off his son. It was disgusting to watch, sloths objected to the abuse but Fresh seemed oblivious. Having captained so well in every aspect, had his inability to allow us to extract a decent defeat driven him insane? Was this some paternal “watch how its done son”? A young, deject Laurie could only watch through, eye’s now welling with the tears of rejection. His father not there to comfort him but rather taking to field to show him how to do it, or not as he was bowled rather karmically  in three balls, scoring just two.

In an effort to right the wrong the Sloth pack then collectively decided to re-instate the young Laurie. An argument was made that having been retired he couldn’t return. This was countered however, by the fact that he had in fact, retired hurt (hurt feelings) and now feeling much better, wanted another knock. Partnering up with Bonder the two sloths decided to make a game of it. Scoring at almost a run per over the last five overs saw Fresh’s anus re-constrict so painfully that he was now reduced to running in ever decreasing circles, pitch side like a demented headless chicken. Laurie was eventually run out in the penultimate over, having scored a couple (the same as his father now called “Captain Abraham Meat”). Russ went out to finish the job. With darkening clouds approaching the last over proved as dramatic an ending to a game as ever.

Off the pitch the young “Issac” Laurie and “Abraham” Fresh seemed to be locked in a Jedi “I am your father Luke” / “fuck off you cunt” sort of thing (though he’s far too young and nice to vocalise as such – we are all fairly certain he thought it). At the crease Bonder refused to score. Russ too, only managed a single. The scorers became locked in debate over totals and eventually to settle the match Dan O, as umpire decided enough was enough and that if we couldn’t win by bat or ball then a wide would do the job, last ball of the match as well, nice one Dan. Defeat had dribbled back down the esophagus of victory by the smallest margin.

Man of the match? Too many candidates; Stump Chat, the scorer, the umpire, the captain? Lad of the match, there’s no doubt. Hats off to young Laurie for doing so well and those not applauding the braveness and his ability must surely sympathise with his having to put up with such paternal abuse. Nice one Fresh, don’t simply sacrifice the lad. Tease him a bit and then pull him off, even Abraham didn’t go that far…

Questions:

  • Did Fresh’s anal constriction save him? Or did Laurie manage to shove his but up (it was a very small bat)?
  • Do we have anyone basic math ability able to score?
  • Does Dan know what those blue lines near the crease mean?
  • Can match reports ever attain a quadruple negative?

THE FIVE LOAVES AND 3 PIES

Slightly disappointed to find that our normal correspondent was engaged with or receiving a Brazilian at Pilton instead of chronicling the Sloths attempts to get the better of the Lord’s chosen 11 last Sunday

Well – here is a brief resume of what turned out to be a clear message to the unbelievers. Yes we lost.

However before giving that away, here are a few highlights. First we were dismissed to the far pitch and garden shed pavilion. Bonder was seen planting boundary flags with his customary scowl at all arriving late and with lack of tea (see later)

After some discussion, we batted first. I think Fresh was captain. Not sure whether this was ordained or whether we actually won something. Matters not, let’s say that any dodgy decisions were with him. To be honest what followed was not brilliant save for Painter J who starred with the bat including running out Bonder. Mike called a run that was not his to call and found himself able to exchange a few words with Jim as they were found to both be at the same crease. Much muttering followed along with further wickets. It looked like the cunning plan was working with wickets tumbling to Paul Mac who had elected to play on the side of the righteous. Jim, having been retired at 50, continued to flex his muscles in readiness to come in at the end and smash the ball to every boundary. All was well in the world

Well it was a plan, Yerbury came in last man with that plan in hand, immediately ran out his partner to bring in Painter to the rescue who hit 2 swift boundaries before Yerbury gave a comfortable catch to square leg. Twat! 121 runs only on the board

And so to tea and the feeding of the 5,000. Well suffice to say Sloths underperformed again, this time with limited offerings and quite a few turning up with nothing to share. (Bonder – fuming again). Quite right the youngest from both teams filled their plates leaving the crumbs for their elders. I will say that Sloth man of the match, Painter J did contribute some dainty if clumsily constructed cheese and pickle rolls which saved the day.

Back to the pitch. Redemption could be had if the promising batting line up could be fooled into submission. Gamesmanship seemed in the air with Paul and Bonder exchanging some words. Something from the new testament? Fresh opened with some pretty loose deliveries before gaining line and length in his last over taking a key wicket. Despite a tight session from Yerbury including a wicket maiden and encouraging effort from Wilf Warren, which gave some limited hope, the inevitable end was secured by Paul Mac smacking the ball to the boundary. (Editor – Do we sanction him for this performance with bat and ball?)

Moral of this tale dear sloths – the sun shines on the righteous. particularly if there is insufficient tea

Timothy Saga St John (retd)

 

SLOTH HERD FLATTENS FLAT FLOCK

by our Wild Life Correspondent,
Sir Dave ‘don’t call me Mavis’ Attenborough,

Time to revisit our native herd of Sloths to see what they are up to.

It’s Tuesday evening so being creatures of mind numbing habit our group can be found engaged in communal activity at Bathampton. This is like Community Service, as most present appear to be of deviant quality except that their activity shows little communal or useful outcome.

Let’s see what happens when they encounter a flock of migrating Flats.

  • Observation 1. Despite being termed Sloths most in this group regularly imitate other creatures.
  • Observation 2. Two dominant males circle and rummage a bit, after which, the Sloth male is proclaimed to have ‘won the toss’ and judging by his massive rippling shoulders, who can argue?
  • Observation 3. Sloths Stumpchat and Maylor take the field wielding their willows with vigorous intent, scampering about with firm rippling buttocks as they squeal like excited piglets. However I digress.
  • Observation 3. Something happens and an older male appears staring at all those around him with ill concealed disgust. This looks like nothing other than a very grumpy rhinoceros who is going to have an argument but he hasn’t decided, yet, what about or with whom. Things explode within his presence.
  • Observation 4. A young dominant male then approaches but seems uncertain of his ground fearing a trap. Where is that Scottish twat who normally feeds his ire. No matter, batter, smash and bosh. Job done.
  • Observation 5. Things happen.
  • Observation 6. Amongst other things, a slightly hesitant older male appears, considers his situation, and retreats having faced only one delivery, whatever that is. However on questioning later said older Sloth professes himself entirely content with everything that has come to pass. Oh if only all Sloths could achieve that higher level of understanding, must be all those books.
  • Observation 6. Other things, followed by a general rearrangement of creatures. The Flat Flock take the field, although it appears to stay exactly where it was.
  • Observation 12. Flat Flock show great resolve and some skill but are perhaps too eager for the prize. Wickets fall despite comedy catching display by The Sloth Leader who spills relatively easy pouch (it wasn’t, most Sloths would be entirely unaware that the Ball was anywhere near them) and then takes a ludicrously difficult running backwards over the shoulder job with ease. Twatting show-off.
  • Observation 27. New herd member Warren commences his display, a thing of purposeful intent. Responding Flatters expecting simple belligerence (judging by preliminary rustling of plumage) are non-plussed by considered but insistent pressure. Stats? Nope haven’t a clue.
  • Observation 19. Meanwhile chirping amongst the herd has risen imperceptibly. Experienced observers would have expected this to be designed act in support of the herd as a whole. However, insults appear to be directly solely within the herd. Darwin would surely have written a different theory had he bothered to go the extra mile to Bathampton rather than the ruddy Galapagos, air-miles my arse, twat. In particular exhortations by a younger Sloth towards Rhino Sloth of ‘go on, do one for your wife’ seemed bewildering in it’s purpose and did not appear to please Rhino Sloth over much.
  • Obstetrics 24. Several of The Flats Flock appear to be related although it has to be said, visual similarities seemed somewhat absent. Breeding patterns of the Flats clearly mysterious. The last of said offspring a lad of tender years resisted the bowling well with an admirably straight bat until undone by quite a stiff one form the Sloth Leader. Apparently that was it.

 

THE CRICKET FACTS?

Not sure since I haven’t seen the scorebook which in any case does not seem to have any of the Sloth bowling. So, briefly –

  • a true thumping by The Sloths who made 171! (adjusted down from 181 after removal of Guiness based algorithm).
  • this set up by very rapid start made by Sloths Stumpchat and Maylor, running everything very fast, plenty of threes and even one genuine (no overthrows) all run 4.
  • nearly all batsmen contributed well
  • the response from The Flats as mentioned above, purposeful and with skill but just too many wickets falling to a good all round bowling despite young Maylor being accused of throwing and Bookman being ‘no-balled’ for adopting the ingenious tactic of delivering the ball from five feet behind the bowlers end stumps.
  • I think they were out for about 90?
  • the result received by the Flat Flock with genuine good humour in stark contrast to the humour of certain tube-mangling teams, even when the y beat us.

FINALLY THE WEEKLY QUIZ

  • if Madeye came to a conclusion in a forest would it make a sound?
  • why has Stumpchat got a birds nest on his face?
  • what is shirt?
  • and bearing in mind the alarming news of infection of ‘Bunger Maylor’ with mumps, please can we all think really hard about his testicles and pray for their deliverance?

Signing off,
Dave ‘don’t call me Mavis’ Attenborough.

Good Humour Wins the Day

One of the hallmarks of Bathampton cricket has always been the ability to laugh in the face of defeat. The home side is prone to making poor decisions and having lapses in judgement. But it knows that, in the end, we are all playing for the love of the game. Once again, last night at KES, this good-humour prevailed.

This was an absurdly high-scoring occasion. Notley finally found the 25 that had so far eluded him. McCauley, once more retired, had to be physically restrained, so desperate was he to resume his barrage at the end of the innings. However, tail-enders Yerbury and Wilf refused to yield. Not only that but they scampered some useful late runs. It was observed that these two may well have set a record for the greatest age-difference between Sloths at the crease (Wilf is, I believe, just 11 or 12 – Yerbury… I wouldn’t like to speculate…).

Like Tom before him, Luc kept looking for big scores post-25, valiantly conceding his wicket in the process. Evidently, others had done similar – since the Sloth total was a dizzying 158 – but I wasn’t there, so couldn’t comment. Newbie Paul did, however, report he’d been bowled first ball in his first innings for Bathampton. Now there’s a true Sloth in the making.

Amid the new-fangled fashion for correct batting and accurate bowling, it was refreshing to have Chairman Russ on hand to show some genuine flair. And genuinely frightening flairs. The old Franks bomb-drop was once more in evidence. And it was quite effective in upsetting the flow of Old Eds’ incendiary opener, Kit.

Fresh was on blistering form, giving Stump something to think about in the fading light. Luc, once again, gave cause for onlookers to question whether he had really not played cricket before this season. Not only did he bowl well but he was invaluable on the long boundary. There, he both saved runs and provided a continuous counterpoint to Stu’s motivational chuntering.

Pick of the crop, though, was Mr Yerbury. Taking two wickets for very few runs, Ric displayed his familiar knack for appearing innocuous but being devastating. He also held onto a vital catch in the deep. Others took wickets at rather greater expense, to-wit Messrs. Notley and McCauley.

Bathampton kept Es to around 6-an-over for the greater part of their innings. However, with 5 or so remaining, it was beginning to look as though they may prevail. Two batsmen were key to this looming upset. Both had retired, meaning that once Eds reached the end of their shortened batting line-up, these were available to finish the job.

As has been well-documented, by the end of these Tuesday encounters, the light – even on a clear evening – tends to fade, if not fail completely. Which is why, in recent games, some Sloths have been incensed by the late deployment of pace bowling. On this occasion, the main objective was to stem the runs. Quick bowling would not only be potentially dangerous but also tactically questionable. So, on came Fresh and McCauley.

Fortunately, as mentioned, the home team are a good-humoured bunch. That home team being Old Eds. Broadford kept on swinging the bat in the gloom and was happy to make 51. Kit did have a word, having  been struck by a sharply-rising ball at pace on the shoulder, but seemed otherwise unperturbed. And, in fairness, McCauley then reverted to spin.

In the end, Old Eds fell short by some 15-odd runs. It had been a valiant fight back and a cracking game. Perhaps Eds were victims of their own home rules. Had they stuck with no LBW and two overs per bowler, perhaps the outcome may have been different. Who knows? And who knows the following:

  • • Now Yerbury has revealed that he can – after all – bat, will he be put up the order?
  • • Can Mrs Russ be persuaded to run up lurid flair-inserts for the whole team?
  • • Is Wilf now grounded, having humiliated his father with the bat?
  • • Should pink balls (and, possibly, full-body armour) be made available to the team batting second?

I was going to end there but really can’t THINK OF A CONCLUSION…

Kofi Annan, fair-play correspondent, Slothful Times

Not Enough Stella – Too Much 6X

It’s always a joy to behold Freshmeat timing the ball sweetly and drawing admiring comments from the opposition. Apparently effortless was his progression to 25 runs, yesterday at KES, before making way for his eager teammates. Somewhat less aesthetic but nonetheless entertaining were the familiar improvised strokes of Franks. And then newbie Oskar showed a willingness to dig in and have a go, providing hope for the future of Slothdom.

With the ball, all three were similarly entertaining. Fresh stifled the otherwise explosive opening batsman with full-pitched and urgent deliveries. Franks’ long-hops, on this occasion, didn’t create so much devastation as hitting practice but are always a welcome diversion. And Oskar bowled too…

Just a shame, then, that all three were deputising for the shorthanded visitors, Stella. The ongoing Freshmeat-McCauley beef, therefore, took on renewed menace. Hard to say who had the upper hand here but each contrived to bowl at the other. Fresh was dropped by D’Pipe, who adhered to the new Sloth tradition of then failing to return the ball as runs were stolen. Later asked to comment, Pipe responded “Can you please move away from the vicar, so I can tell you to fuck off?”.

Maylor was outstanding, his quick and accurate deliveries matched by his boundless enthusiasm. This only marred by one drop. And that was just his bar-tending. He bowled pretty well too, taking 3 for 5.

Frith Junior-Senior (if you see what I mean) appears to have found a new gear in his bowling action. Now with genuine zip and venom, he represents a formidable strike-bowler. Junior-Junior, meanwhile, contrasted this with accurate, flighted, slow bowling that exhorted the batsmen to hit hard. They struggled, however, to connect. More cause for optimism over the longevity of Slothkind.

Painter, once again, looked at ease with the bat. He drove the well-pitched ball and stretched his reconstructed frame to fashion wide balls into boundaries. McCauley provided a solid foundation for his team to build on (you’re right, I’ve forgotten – but pretty sure he scored some runs). Bond looked commanding, playing with confidence until he was becalmed mid-innings. Hewes faced some confounding deliveries, now in lurid pink (the ball, not Rick) and was similarly stifled. And, despite the best efforts of Howard and Frith Junior-Junior, things rather ground to a halt.

Stella’s expectations of a trouncing were well-founded in view of the formidable Sloth line-up. Their score of just 113 certainly wasn’t enough to prevent a home victory. Except, it was. Bolstered by the aforementioned Sloths, Stella managed, somehow, to defend this meagre total. Still, as chairman Franks later observed, it wouldn’t do to continuously defeat such a friendly foe.

Post-match analysis, in the resurrected pavilion bar, shed little light on the whys and wherefores:

  • Should Maylor be routinely prepared with alcohol in order to enhance his bowling?
  • Could Maylor be employed full-time to run the Sloth bar?
  • Should Maylor be allowed anywhere near this or any other bar, considering his post-match performance?
  • Is Franks’ new glam-wear a cunning ploy to distract batsmen?
  • Should Fresh abandon his futile attempts to get past the planning committee?
  • Can Houston be lured back into the fold, away from his Frome idyll?
  • Can SDS possibly survive another Glastonbury?

We’ll leave it, as Queen once said, ‘in the lap of the gods’. Or, as Jonty might say, in the hands of God (though I’m not sure he’d be inclined stick his neck out just at the moment).

Tim Martin; entertainment & beverages correspondent; Slothful Times

Can We Have Our Balls Back, Please?

Few who witnessed last night’s encounter will be able to forget. The home fans went wild, whilst visitors looked on in stunned bewilderment. It was a glorious victory and one that will go down in the sporting annals. But enough about Liverpool – Barcelona…

To say the skies over Bathampton were darkening would be a gross dereliction of descriptive duties. Merely to remark it was a little parky would be an understatement of unforgiveable proportions. It was as cold as Fresh congratulating McCauley on his batting figures and as dark as Stumpchat’s mood after being caught behind. However, the pitch was true, the outfield firm and – the fact nobody could see the frigging ball notwithstanding – conditions set for a classic encounter.

For some unfathomable reason, the toss-winning skipper elected to bat second (again). Given the aforementioned paucity of daylight, this would seem a questionable strategy. With a batting line-up including McCauley, Dan O, Stumpchat, Hewes, Bond and Painter, the chances of a decent score from the host side were good. And so it proved.

In the absence of an actual scoreboard, it was never quite clear just how many had been scored. However, McCauley reprised his boundary-clearing, canal-reaching antics. Hewes displayed a remarkable lexicon of improvised strokes to prevent dot balls and turn fielders inside out. Stump played characteristically through the line. Dan O kept his head uncharacteristically over the ball to hit some beautifully controlled boundaries. Bonder was back on form, hitting with freedom and retiring in short order. And Painter was in sublime nick, driving the ball repeatedly back past the bowler with relish.

The visitors, Royal Oak, are always a game bunch and display a familiar disparity of talent/ineptitude. Talking of which, their ranks were augmented, on this occasion, by one Jim Cumpson. On seeing the arrival of said moonlighting Ram, comrade Howard seized the captaincy. The sole objective of this mutiny was to bring himself on to bowl whenever Jim appeared at the crease.

Cumpson managed to sneak onto the field unobserved during the celebration at the fall of a wicket. But to no avail. Howard, coming in off a run of such length he was out of breath by the time he reached the crease, launched a ball so lacking in lustre that it took two bounces before reaching the batsman. The next ball, however, was something else entirely. Pitched up and at pace, it took out Cumpson’s off stump.

Yerbury, once again back from alleged retirement, also struck the stumps. His unthreatening presence was, as always, confounded by his unerring accuracy and ability to move the ball both ways (or so it appeared in the gloom). McCauley’s celebration on taking the first wicket of Royal Oak’s innings wouldn’t have been out of place had he just won the Ashes. But one has to admire his commitment. The same commitment that saw him later sprint a good 20 yards to snaffle a lofted hoik at cover.

On the subject of being committed: whilst it’s possible he should be, no-one can deny the relentless enthusiasm, from behind the stumps, of Stu. Now in stereo, he and fellow-Yorshireman ‘MC’ kept up a running commentary that probably meant something to them but, to the rest of us, remained unintelligible babble. Stump took just the one ‘-ing’ on this occasion and also had the decency to miss the final delivery, from SDS. This, once again employing his super-slo-mo technique, arrived via the batsman’s pads with just enough momentum to topple the bails. Just.

Among the Royal saplings were some mighty Oaks. One emulated McCauley in launching the ball into the canal. At which point, Chairman ‘I’ll just sit this one out’ Franks offered the white ball. Nobody was quite sure who’s decision it was to accept. And even fewer had any idea as to whether this would more greatly benefit the batting or fielding side. It was duly accepted.

More controversy ensued with the revelation that Oaks’ returning retiree had come in ahead of one of their lower order. Apparently, the number 11 had said his eyesight was not good enough for the conditions. Him and half the rest of the players present. Whether or not this was an underhand tactic, it didn’t work. The big-hitting opener had not reckoned on dealing with the wiley SDS. And the rest – as they say – is history.

Whereas conventional wisdom has it that economy trumps wickets in the 20-over format, few could deny that wickets, on this occasion, won the day. There was even that rarest of beasts – a held slip-catch. This courtesy of Mr Painter, who also displayed some mean juggling skills. Honourable mention should similarly go to this week’s ball-magnet, Tom Notley, who saved a good few runs through his energetic fielding and accurate arm.

Meanwhile, Fresh prowled the boundary like a spurned lover. No doubt, he was keen to see his team mates improve their batting and bowling averages. No doubt. Frith, too, was there, looking on with stiff upper-lip and even stiffer upper-vertebrae. Considering he went head to head (or, rather, head to tail) with a Landrover Discovery, it appears that someone must be looking over him.

So there it is. A famous victory, full of incident, innuendo and indecent language (thanks Ant for some Pipe-esque use of the ‘c’ word). This is one that will be talked about for years to come. Long after some game of kickball has been forgotten. Slothdom is alive and well. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Any questions? Of course there bloody-well are…

  • In the rare event that Bond moves his feet sufficiently to cover the trajectory of a ball outside the crease, should this be given as a wide?
  • Should a retired batsman be allowed to return if a teammate declares himself unfit to bat beforehand?
  • Should a white ball be offered to substitute the red, in the event that it is so dark nobody knows where the question is coming from?
  • Can we demand that McCauley provides a new set of match balls, if he keeps hitting them into the canal?
  • If a visiting player decides, of his own volition, to proffer financial compensation for a gifted drink, does this constitute a commercial transaction?
  • Is it wrong for anyone other than Madeye to be drinking BOB?!

Answers, please, on a small slip of paper, placed inside a bottle and thrown into the Kennet & Avon. Thank you.

Bob Holness; Quizmaster General; Slothful Times.

All Rotork and No Trousers

In a game of limited-overs cricket, there are two schools of thought when it comes to choosing whether, having won the toss, to bat or field first. Chairman Franks had issued due warning in this regard prior to Sloths’ opening Tuesday fixture, last night at KES. However, skipper D’Pipe – under pressure from some of his more vociferous vice-captains-self-elect – chose to ignore this.

Confident the light would hold and oppo would never keep back their better (and somewhat quicker) bowlers until late in the day, Sloths elected to field. True to form, this was something of a mixed bag. Stump took three very sharp catches, standing up to bowling few would see from such close range. D’pipe was accurate and penetrating. McCauley was frankly in a class of his own. Dan O was exceptional once he found his line. SDS bamboozled the batsman with a ball that actually appeared to be in slow-motion. And so on.

However, Rotork had some big hitters within their ranks. And, in the end, it was their ability to find the boundary that made the difference. Sloths left some inviting gaps in the field and the visitors gleefully accepted. Few chances went to hand and when one ball was finally lofted towards the waiting Madeye, at deep mid-on, he decide not to risk the catch but to protect the boundary. Which, of course, he failed to do. In stark contrast, newbie Luc literally put his body on the line to prevent a strike of some ferocity that was headed towards the short boundary at deep point. In so doing, he rearranged some vital organs and – more importantly – prevented the four.

With a run-chase of 142 from 18 overs, Sloths were always going to be under pressure in the fading April light. Openers McCauley and Fresh got off to a steady start, quickly opening up as the bowling allowed. McCauley soon got his eye in and hit some much-needed boundaries to put Sloths on track for an improbable victory. All the while, though, Rotork confounded with accurate bowling and sharp fielding.

McCauley soon retired, whilst Fresh was caught behind – having been adjudged not-out the previous ball. Dan O continued the momentum, playing confidently through the line and providing possibly the shot of the match with a beautifully timed cover drive for four. Bonder gamely swung the bat but struggled to hit the big boundaries for which he clearly hoped. Stump played a straight bat as ever, hustling and harrying to keep the score ticking along. Howard did his best to do the same and looked eager to find some big hits along the way.

Rotork, however, had some key bowlers up their sleeve for the final showdown. Just as it looked as though Sloths might creep over the finish line, the visitors closed ranks and prevented anything beyond pushed singles or well-fielded drives. In the end, it was a tantalisingly close call. Some disgruntled Sloths grumbled about negative tactics from the opposition. In truth, this was merely sour grapes and frankly contrary to the spirit of the friendly game.

Sloths were well beaten on this occasion. But they can take pride in putting up a spirited fight against long odds. With D’Pipe back on song; McCauley doing his thing; ditto Fresh; and Dan O strong with both bat and ball, there is much to cheer. Perhaps what was missing last night was the likes of a Hewes or a Franks to come in mid-order and swing with abandon (and where’s Hewston?…). In any case, it was a close game and the signs are good for the season to come.

Over strictly apartheid beers after the game, questions were inevitably raised:

  • Is it wise to bat second when you know that a) the light will fade and b) the opposition will produce their top bowling under said conditions?
  • Should anyone listen to Fresh anyway?
  • Should the Madeye Shuffle be adopted to celebrate all missed catches?
  • Will there be a group discount for Sloths attending ‘Think of a Concussion’ on May 29th at the old Theatre Royal?

To which, the answers are:

  • No,
  • No,
  • Let’s hope not,
  • Don’t be ridiculous… oh, OK then.

Let’s look forward to a season full of thrills, spills, skills, mistakes and good-humour.

 

L Ron Hubbard; Self-Promotion Correspondent; Slothful Times