SLOTH HERD FLATTENS FLAT FLOCK

2019

by our Wild Life Correspondent,
Sir Dave ‘don’t call me Mavis’ Attenborough,

Time to revisit our native herd of Sloths to see what they are up to.

It’s Tuesday evening so being creatures of mind numbing habit our group can be found engaged in communal activity at Bathampton. This is like Community Service, as most present appear to be of deviant quality except that their activity shows little communal or useful outcome.

Let’s see what happens when they encounter a flock of migrating Flats.

  • Observation 1. Despite being termed Sloths most in this group regularly imitate other creatures.
  • Observation 2. Two dominant males circle and rummage a bit, after which, the Sloth male is proclaimed to have ‘won the toss’ and judging by his massive rippling shoulders, who can argue?
  • Observation 3. Sloths Stumpchat and Maylor take the field wielding their willows with vigorous intent, scampering about with firm rippling buttocks as they squeal like excited piglets. However I digress.
  • Observation 3. Something happens and an older male appears staring at all those around him with ill concealed disgust. This looks like nothing other than a very grumpy rhinoceros who is going to have an argument but he hasn’t decided, yet, what about or with whom. Things explode within his presence.
  • Observation 4. A young dominant male then approaches but seems uncertain of his ground fearing a trap. Where is that Scottish twat who normally feeds his ire. No matter, batter, smash and bosh. Job done.
  • Observation 5. Things happen.
  • Observation 6. Amongst other things, a slightly hesitant older male appears, considers his situation, and retreats having faced only one delivery, whatever that is. However on questioning later said older Sloth professes himself entirely content with everything that has come to pass. Oh if only all Sloths could achieve that higher level of understanding, must be all those books.
  • Observation 6. Other things, followed by a general rearrangement of creatures. The Flat Flock take the field, although it appears to stay exactly where it was.
  • Observation 12. Flat Flock show great resolve and some skill but are perhaps too eager for the prize. Wickets fall despite comedy catching display by The Sloth Leader who spills relatively easy pouch (it wasn’t, most Sloths would be entirely unaware that the Ball was anywhere near them) and then takes a ludicrously difficult running backwards over the shoulder job with ease. Twatting show-off.
  • Observation 27. New herd member Warren commences his display, a thing of purposeful intent. Responding Flatters expecting simple belligerence (judging by preliminary rustling of plumage) are non-plussed by considered but insistent pressure. Stats? Nope haven’t a clue.
  • Observation 19. Meanwhile chirping amongst the herd has risen imperceptibly. Experienced observers would have expected this to be designed act in support of the herd as a whole. However, insults appear to be directly solely within the herd. Darwin would surely have written a different theory had he bothered to go the extra mile to Bathampton rather than the ruddy Galapagos, air-miles my arse, twat. In particular exhortations by a younger Sloth towards Rhino Sloth of ‘go on, do one for your wife’ seemed bewildering in it’s purpose and did not appear to please Rhino Sloth over much.
  • Obstetrics 24. Several of The Flats Flock appear to be related although it has to be said, visual similarities seemed somewhat absent. Breeding patterns of the Flats clearly mysterious. The last of said offspring a lad of tender years resisted the bowling well with an admirably straight bat until undone by quite a stiff one form the Sloth Leader. Apparently that was it.

 

THE CRICKET FACTS?

Not sure since I haven’t seen the scorebook which in any case does not seem to have any of the Sloth bowling. So, briefly –

  • a true thumping by The Sloths who made 171! (adjusted down from 181 after removal of Guiness based algorithm).
  • this set up by very rapid start made by Sloths Stumpchat and Maylor, running everything very fast, plenty of threes and even one genuine (no overthrows) all run 4.
  • nearly all batsmen contributed well
  • the response from The Flats as mentioned above, purposeful and with skill but just too many wickets falling to a good all round bowling despite young Maylor being accused of throwing and Bookman being ‘no-balled’ for adopting the ingenious tactic of delivering the ball from five feet behind the bowlers end stumps.
  • I think they were out for about 90?
  • the result received by the Flat Flock with genuine good humour in stark contrast to the humour of certain tube-mangling teams, even when the y beat us.

FINALLY THE WEEKLY QUIZ

  • if Madeye came to a conclusion in a forest would it make a sound?
  • why has Stumpchat got a birds nest on his face?
  • what is shirt?
  • and bearing in mind the alarming news of infection of ‘Bunger Maylor’ with mumps, please can we all think really hard about his testicles and pray for their deliverance?

Signing off,
Dave ‘don’t call me Mavis’ Attenborough.