Few who witnessed last night’s encounter will be able to forget. The home fans went wild, whilst visitors looked on in stunned bewilderment. It was a glorious victory and one that will go down in the sporting annals. But enough about Liverpool – Barcelona…

To say the skies over Bathampton were darkening would be a gross dereliction of descriptive duties. Merely to remark it was a little parky would be an understatement of unforgiveable proportions. It was as cold as Fresh congratulating McCauley on his batting figures and as dark as Stumpchat’s mood after being caught behind. However, the pitch was true, the outfield firm and – the fact nobody could see the frigging ball notwithstanding – conditions set for a classic encounter.

For some unfathomable reason, the toss-winning skipper elected to bat second (again). Given the aforementioned paucity of daylight, this would seem a questionable strategy. With a batting line-up including McCauley, Dan O, Stumpchat, Hewes, Bond and Painter, the chances of a decent score from the host side were good. And so it proved.

In the absence of an actual scoreboard, it was never quite clear just how many had been scored. However, McCauley reprised his boundary-clearing, canal-reaching antics. Hewes displayed a remarkable lexicon of improvised strokes to prevent dot balls and turn fielders inside out. Stump played characteristically through the line. Dan O kept his head uncharacteristically over the ball to hit some beautifully controlled boundaries. Bonder was back on form, hitting with freedom and retiring in short order. And Painter was in sublime nick, driving the ball repeatedly back past the bowler with relish.

The visitors, Royal Oak, are always a game bunch and display a familiar disparity of talent/ineptitude. Talking of which, their ranks were augmented, on this occasion, by one Jim Cumpson. On seeing the arrival of said moonlighting Ram, comrade Howard seized the captaincy. The sole objective of this mutiny was to bring himself on to bowl whenever Jim appeared at the crease.

Cumpson managed to sneak onto the field unobserved during the celebration at the fall of a wicket. But to no avail. Howard, coming in off a run of such length he was out of breath by the time he reached the crease, launched a ball so lacking in lustre that it took two bounces before reaching the batsman. The next ball, however, was something else entirely. Pitched up and at pace, it took out Cumpson’s off stump.

Yerbury, once again back from alleged retirement, also struck the stumps. His unthreatening presence was, as always, confounded by his unerring accuracy and ability to move the ball both ways (or so it appeared in the gloom). McCauley’s celebration on taking the first wicket of Royal Oak’s innings wouldn’t have been out of place had he just won the Ashes. But one has to admire his commitment. The same commitment that saw him later sprint a good 20 yards to snaffle a lofted hoik at cover.

On the subject of being committed: whilst it’s possible he should be, no-one can deny the relentless enthusiasm, from behind the stumps, of Stu. Now in stereo, he and fellow-Yorshireman ‘MC’ kept up a running commentary that probably meant something to them but, to the rest of us, remained unintelligible babble. Stump took just the one ‘-ing’ on this occasion and also had the decency to miss the final delivery, from SDS. This, once again employing his super-slo-mo technique, arrived via the batsman’s pads with just enough momentum to topple the bails. Just.

Among the Royal saplings were some mighty Oaks. One emulated McCauley in launching the ball into the canal. At which point, Chairman ‘I’ll just sit this one out’ Franks offered the white ball. Nobody was quite sure who’s decision it was to accept. And even fewer had any idea as to whether this would more greatly benefit the batting or fielding side. It was duly accepted.

More controversy ensued with the revelation that Oaks’ returning retiree had come in ahead of one of their lower order. Apparently, the number 11 had said his eyesight was not good enough for the conditions. Him and half the rest of the players present. Whether or not this was an underhand tactic, it didn’t work. The big-hitting opener had not reckoned on dealing with the wiley SDS. And the rest – as they say – is history.

Whereas conventional wisdom has it that economy trumps wickets in the 20-over format, few could deny that wickets, on this occasion, won the day. There was even that rarest of beasts – a held slip-catch. This courtesy of Mr Painter, who also displayed some mean juggling skills. Honourable mention should similarly go to this week’s ball-magnet, Tom Notley, who saved a good few runs through his energetic fielding and accurate arm.

Meanwhile, Fresh prowled the boundary like a spurned lover. No doubt, he was keen to see his team mates improve their batting and bowling averages. No doubt. Frith, too, was there, looking on with stiff upper-lip and even stiffer upper-vertebrae. Considering he went head to head (or, rather, head to tail) with a Landrover Discovery, it appears that someone must be looking over him.

So there it is. A famous victory, full of incident, innuendo and indecent language (thanks Ant for some Pipe-esque use of the ‘c’ word). This is one that will be talked about for years to come. Long after some game of kickball has been forgotten. Slothdom is alive and well. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Any questions? Of course there bloody-well are…

• In the rare event that Bond moves his feet sufficiently to cover the trajectory of a ball outside the crease, should this be given as a wide?
• Should a retired batsman be allowed to return if a teammate declares himself unfit to bat beforehand?
• Should a white ball be offered to substitute the red, in the event that it is so dark nobody knows where the question is coming from?
• Can we demand that McCauley provides a new set of match balls, if he keeps hitting them into the canal?
• If a visiting player decides, of his own volition, to proffer financial compensation for a gifted drink, does this constitute a commercial transaction?
• Is it wrong for anyone other than Madeye to be drinking BOB?!

Answers, please, on a small slip of paper, placed inside a bottle and thrown into the Kennet & Avon. Thank you.

Bob Holness; Quizmaster General; Slothful Times.