Lying on Exmouth beach, Sunday morning, with fellow Sloths-on-tour, I was reminded of a scene from ‘Withnail & I’, in which Withnail tells a local farmer “We’ve gone on holiday by mistake”. It was easy to forget that, in only a short time, Sloths would be facing their stiffest challenge of the weekend. But much water had already flowed under the proverbial bridge by this juncture.

As we all know, what goes on tour stays on tour. In this instance, Nick ‘Van-Man’ Cunliffe almost took that aphorism way too literally. I suppose The Prattshayes Cunliffe Memorial Campsite would have had a certain ring to it. Luckily, though, local sign writers can rest easy for the time being.

Beginning with a gentle warm-up on Friday afternoon, Sloths eased themselves into a well-oiled tour rhythm. And some cricket happened too. To be honest, the details are now something of a hazy memory. Suffice to say the after-match celebrations were extensive and well-executed by all.

Whether or not Lodge’s investment in a shiny new bat was a good one remains to be seen. Once he uses the thing, I’ll get back to you. Painter will probably be shortly in line for a full body replacement. In the meantime, he’s getting full value from the remnants of this one. His century at Somewhere-or-Other, largely executed on one leg, was met with joyful glee and unidentifiable songs by his teammates on the boundary.

Cunliffe bowled an astonishing spell at the same ground. This was, frankly, too good for the batsmen and key to a famous Sloth victory. The final nail was delivered by Fresh. After a rather uncertain start, he also found his line and length. Following an over of what was deemed, by the opener, to be unplayable, said batsman vented his frustration at Big Mac. A poor choice.

Mac politely suggested the disgruntled player might consider early retirement. At which point the latter offered to demonstrate why this was a bad idea, with the aid of his bat. At which point, Mini Mac suggested perhaps he shouldn’t take on so and could he, please, leave his brother alone.

All very convivial and witty. But it did rather spoil the mood. No matter, we won – so fuck ‘em.

What else? Cam took some ridiculous catches on the first evening, garnering him the Man of the Match award, which he downed in one. Far be it from me to reveal who won Dick of the Day but, suffice to say, there were contenders a-plenty.

In truth, every single Sloth contributed, both on and off the field of play. This was a tour to remember (if  only we could). It will, undoubtedly, have injected a whole new level of esprit-de-corps, bonhomie, joie-de-vivre and – er- croissants(?) into the Bathampton ranks.

We all owe a huge debt of thanks to Jim Painter for organising this escapade. And in the middle of a global pandemic too. With rumours of Big Mac’s relocation to East Asia, coupled with Jim’s connections in that region, we’re looking forward to more sun, sea and singing next year!

So, well done boys, one and all. And long live the Sloths. Especially Nick.

 

P.S. Throughout Saturday – and into Sunday, a somewhat herbally-enhanced Stumpchat exhorted me to write a tour song. So here, to the tune of ‘I Will Survive’, it is:

 

Sloths Will Survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinking Sloths could never win without Nick on our side

He spent the night in A&E but then Lazarus was free

And he grew strong and he fielded at mid on

–

And took a catch from outer space

Even while he eyed the umpire with that look upon his face

He should have had the minted lamb

He should have shunned his veganry

If he’d have known for just one second there were nuts in the chick pea

–

REFRAIN:

Go on Jim go, walk out and score

Turn it around now, though you’re not running any more

Weren’t you the one who tried to break Ant with your cries

Before your ton-ball? Did you hang Luke out to dry?

 

Oh no, Stump’s high! But we’ll survive

He’ll teach Porridge how to use the gloves and keep Cunliffe alive

He’s got so much life to live, we’ve got so much lip to give

And we’ll survive, Sloths will survive, hey hey…

–

It took all the strength we had not to fall apart

Trying hard to mend the pieces of a torrid start

Their opener spent so many balls feeling sorry for himself

We thought he’d cry – then Big Mac looked him in the eye

–

You mess with me and I’ll floor you

I’m not that trained but I can set my little bruv on you

So you feel like dropping out, well go ahead, fuck off, feel free

Now I’m saving all my bowling for someone who’s hitting me

 

REFRAIN

Go on now go, if you can’t score

Leave the ground now, cos you’re not welcome any more

Weren’t you the one who tried to win it with leg byes?

D’you think we’d crumble? D’you think we’d lay down and die?

 

And Stump’s still high. But we’ll survive

Cos he’s taught Porridge how to use the gloves and keep Cunliffe alive

We’ve got overs left to live; we’ve got so much lip to give

And we’ll survive, Sloths will survive, hey hey…

 

Aretha Franklin, funk & soul correspondent, Slothful Times