Not being our habitual match report writer, please excuse the poor grammar, spelling etc.
In short the “iambic pentameter” that fellow Sloths have become accustomed to, is going out the window, slambic pentameter if you will.

Sunday in Priston, soaking up the summer’s evening glow, warmed further by the smugness of victory but bemused that with figures of 3 overs, 2 wickets for 0 runs, I had been one of our worst players! Statistically it sounds like one could dine out on such a performance but it wasn’t and demands an explanation.

It all started a few years ago. Priston Cricket Club, located in the small quaint Stepford-wife-esque village, boasting excellent match teas and a half reasonable cricketing opposition. Typical stuff apart from the rather unusual “timed” element to the match. Infinitely more complicated than our own FWL, involving pavilion clocks and possible extra overs, we now understand it as more simply “if you don’t bowl us ALL out it’s a draw, unless we beat you, then its not.” When I say “now”, its taken 2-3 seasons of comprehensive victories ended in draws to reach this level of comprehension.

Seemingly slightly irked by said number of draws El Capitano was in no mood to pull punches. “We will bat, score loads and then bowl them out” he announced fearlessly.

Having “won” the toss by “mutual agreement” (bribe or threat I’m uncertain) the chancellor elected to open with Lodge and Lewis. Lewis had selflessly brought wife, children and some form of Laura Ashely wigwam to possibly house / protect them from the oncoming tedium. Lodge had promised sheep but failed to deliver. Having reminded fellow sloths and anyone else who would listen, of his ton the previous year (whilst ill) – history looked like repeating itself as Lewis quickly scored four after four. Singles only coming at the end of the over in order for Lewis to farm the strike, carefully making the singles look like miss hits. Eventually boring of his slower scoring partner Johnny opted to run Lodge out. Lodge having only scored 3 runs off the two deliveries allowed to him.

Lewis’ children were not in the aforementioned wigwam as Lodge returned forcing him to make for the pavilion where he could “quietly” voice grievance and experiment with some ad hoc interior design before buggering off to the village pub or to trash Lewis’s car. We secretly guessed the former to be the case but longed for the latter.

Back at the crease Lewis seemed spurred on by his mistake and knew he now had to score to make up for it. To be fair he tried, before being bowled by a rather mean 15-year-old. (Though he may have been 11)
McWilliams had joined him at the crease but looked increasingly flakey before he shat himself to some half decent spin and was bowled.

“There was a bowler from Priston,
Who liked to keep his wrist in
but scotsmen can’t bat
and there’s a lesson in that
they’re only good for a fist-in”

With the Scottish contingent firmly back in the camp, things could only get better. Enter Painter and McCorgi. Fresh from a duck or two, Painter need to prove and having recently lost his wicket to a girl scout from Bathford, so did McCorgi. The pair soon started dispatching balls to boundaries. Much time was spent in hedges and fields and a few replacement balls later the score was looking extremely healthy. Lodge, sorrows drowned, returned. Painter looked invincible and McCorgi looked like he was holding back little, playing himself in for a change, perhaps he had learnt from his school-girl error. What then occurred was possibly the quickest highest scoring partnership in Sloth history. Over a hundred runs in less than ten overs. McCorgi sadly got himself out reaching for a wide and was caught for 49. Happily one short of his fifty, like Lewis McCorgi’s ego needs no encouragement. Coming in to bat next, I didn’t and left soon after with Painter now on 98. “Find out what I’m on will you ?” Painter asked as I left. “Why?” I asked. “Incase I need to start smashing it about a bit.” he explained. The look on Prison players who heard this, was priceless. Subtle sledging at its best.

Sloths soon started to worry about the monster they’d unleashed at the crease. El Capitano took to a field to replace one of Priston’s injured and almost stumped him.
New comer Dan took to the crease and twice almost succeeded in running him out. El Capitano considered retiring early leaving Jim on 99. Painter went on to carry his bat, scoring 113 (we are waiting on a final recount as James Mc-ICan’t-Count was scoring). Dan managed not to run him out and partnered him to the last ball of our innings, just to annoy El Capitano who, having thought the innings over had just removed pads and gloves. Russ typically jogged to the crease, padless and gloveless to take the last delivery, which he smashed a four off, hedging the ball again just to further annoy Priston.

Sloths had scored 277 off 33 overs. First half of the plan done. Tea was served and the tea was, as predicted, excellent. 277 runs just made the cream that much sweeter.

Other Captains may have felt that such a total unassailable but not El Capitano. There would be no prisoners, McCorgi would open with the equally canny Yerbi. Two of their batsman were hardly higher than the stumps, the little buggers had bowled well and made good use of their lack of height and had earned an equal right to a good mauling. McCorgi and the Yerble “the rabid Gerbil” bowled superbly. Keeping it tight and building pressure. McCorgi starting with a maiden (worth 50 points to your FWL btw), bowled 8 overs, took 4 wickets (1 stumping) and went for 14 runs. (5 of the 8 overs being maidens). Yerbi did 7 overs for 13 runs (no wickets and 1 maiden). 15 overs later Priston had 27 off the bowling. Fresh/Stale Meat keeping wicket had allowed a few byes though (Priston’s top scorer) and their total was 36 for 4.

Priston had been blown away. McCorgi was accused of bowling too fast. (To prove he wasn’t he then bowled a few at his faster pace). El Capitano elected to ease off slightly and brought McWilliams and Lodge in, who still smouldering from his unjust run out took no time dispatching their number 6 for 0, caught behind by the Sloth who had run him out. McWilliams equally struck with his second delivery and Priston were truly reeling
Taking another wicket in his third, Jon was replaced by SDS by which time Priston had more than adopted their “typical” “home-guard” defence. With 2 wickets left the “wall” came down. 8 further overs then went down, 6 of which were maidens. Priston blocked everything, knowing they could still “draw”. Running wasn’t even considered! Bowling figures; SDS – 2 overs 5 runs, 1 maiden. El Capitano – 2 overs 5 runs, 1 maiden. Dan – 2 overs 1 run, 1 maiden. Finally myself 3 overs, two wickets and three maidens. The first a plumb LBW, no debate and the last batsman going to a prod that only just carried to a brilliant diving McWilliams, who un-typically held onto it.

El Capitano had had a plan and it had worked well. Records had been set – fastest 100 partnership, most maidens bowl, most comprehensive victory ever (204 runs and 4 wickets). The beer in the local tased sweeter. Lodge hadn’t trashed Lewis’ car. The stars of the day were undoubtedly Painter and McCorgi. McCorgi’s 8 maidens had been to their openers not their “home guard”. Yerbry had a huge part in applying equal bowling pressure and Lewis, though a complete prat had still played a part. Bathampton had scored 277 and Priston were all out for 73. (The last 6 overs of the match going for one run, Dan’s wide). The fact that their team consisted of two kids under 15 and a collection of fossils propped up by a few cricketers didn’t matter. Finally we’d won a match at Prison without any possible “draw”. As we made our way homeward I couldn’t help but think we’d also been shown that in cricketing terms, their exists something far slower at the crease than a Sloth…”