Priston Piston

Keen to make amends on this season’s previous Priston fixture (humiliation doesn’t come close – we lost by 100 runs) a vastly improved team (we dropped Madigan) assembled on Sunday.

Captaining the team, Bond senior thought it best not to, opting instead the random “draw a straw” approach to batsman selection. This slack-handed approach to captaining comes either from not wanting to offend or not wanting to think. Either way though once the straws were drawn, it didn’t look that bad a call. Admittedly the tail (Harding, Hewes & Bond) looked awesome but so did the openers and mid order!

Priston’s opening bowler proved a handfull and runs came slowly (Dale bowled 5 maidens out of 7 overs). Painter and Lodge battled through this well with maturity and patience under increasing pressure. They saw him off before getting some more hittable deliveries. Jimbo then went on the score a ton before retiring, aided at the crease by Lodge and Stump Chat (29), having batted for just under two hours, there wasn’t much time for the other Sloths to do much, coming in and swinging (or just running – see 3rd footnote) the next 6 batsman added an extra 18. With a large extra total of nearly 40 – we had a good total of 210 to defend.

Priston teas, reportedly not to par on the last match, we as excellent as ever, with Stump Chat and Lodge showing great restraint and selflessness, waiting for others until they had their third or fourth plate. (I suspect Stump had a post match 5th.)

On the field –  we had worries – bottling the oldies into safe fielding positions always proves problematic (you can soon have half a dozen slips). Painter having batted so long, could hardly walk let alone run, Lodge stopped running about three years back. Howard was cramping up… BUT I can honestly say that it was the best all round performance I’ve seen in a Sloth pack over quite a few years. (Antiques included). Memorable was Cam Bond’s epic throw from the downhill boundary edge back to keeper, the ball passed about 10 feet above the jumping Jimmi C, almost to the other boundary – can you have a “six” over throw?!

Harding bowling off a three pace run up along with Hewes (normal “spacky” left arm run up) outdid their openers. Bowling 6 overs a piece – Tom 1 for 8, Ric 1 for 12. The two did as much with ball economically as Painter had with bat. Leaving Priston needing to score big to be in the game. The Lewises then took their turns with young Laurie bowling 6 overs (1 for 19) outdoing his aging father (0 for 28). The Lewis partnership with ball cost us just under 50 runs of the 13 overs. Howard (cramp removed by Cam) had a go but by then the chase was on – and though smacked for 50 took 3 wickets removing one of their bigger hitters with a fine caught and bowled (which was more self defence – the option not to catch, would have left a cricket ball sized hole in his chest). Lodge in support, was far more economical (1 for 23).

In the field the Sloth’s in general moved as a team, used their hands and heads. Behind the stumps both Stump Chat and Jimmi C were brilliant.

Editorial footnote: Painter has now “patented” a new catching technique, “The Slow Strip”, this is to be used in the case of high lofty catch instances (the “that’s high, it’s coming to me, maybe I should move, fuck maybe I should have run away” sort of affair) – basically after the “that’s high and to me” phase – you take an item of clothing off each second until ball reaches you, this stops the brain from debating wether or not to run away.

Editorial footnote footnote: Painter ran all his runs himself, for a change.

Editorial footnote footnote footnote: Fresh – if I run myself out to give you strike for the last remaining three balls – USE THEM!

Sloths pissed on in Bell match

On a very dark and gloomy Thursday, 10 Sloths made it to the Bath Uni ground (Lower Bristol Road). We would have been a full team but John Lodge pulled out early, an increasing problem with some of our elder players.

Captained by the every cheerful, increasingly useless, Fresh, we lost the toss thereby ensuring we’d be chasing in near darkness.

The Bell brought 10 good players and a Frenchman, who they hilariously forgot to explain any rules or explanation.

Playing no LBWs (unless plumb, yeah right mine was middle stump, back foot!) and four overs per bowler, Captain Fresh boldly ignored this and let everyone who wanted a go have one.

At times there were moments of “fine” fielding, these fines will be awarded in penalty points on the Fuckworth Lewis scale. Why we have such useless fielders always amazes! I guess that comes with not having enough players to really “select” from and we have to with the “tools” at hand. At least the fielding wasn’t as bad as the previous Bathford game, where our players leaked more runs through simple incompetence and lack of coordinated mobility.  Well done to Jimmi and Cam for their efforts and actually moving about the pitch. Other notables in the field were Ian Swan (“How do I get off the bottom of the Fuckworth scale?”) with a catch at fine leg and a couple of wickets bowling. Laurie with a tight four overs.

It was hard without a scoreboard but by then end the Bell had racked up 132 (albeit in secret) and the Sloths had to chase in the gloomy evening light, with an increasing light drizzle..
Notable were Jimmi C, Cam Bond and young Lewis (a great four) with the bat, the rest of the Sloths were more than useless but to fair faced some good tight bowling.

The Bell, Frenchman included, were the better team and had we had Lodge and Fresh had won the toss, things could have been different. Not wanting to point fingers or anything but Lewis Senior (batting 7) managed zero runs and bowled two overs for 16 runs, one wicket. Lewis Junior (batting 9) scores 5 off the bat and bowls four overs for 22, one wicket. Add to that that Fresh nearly ran out Cam by chatting. The question has to be asked, who in the Lewis family SHOULD be captain. Maybe we could retain Johnny as club secretary?

Bathford slaughter inept Sloths

Captained by Stump Chat Nelson the sloths performed dismally both with bat and ball. The fielding was so bad one spectator was heard to utter “is this a team for geriatric’s only?”. He may have been right. Can we get some proper players please? Not just the usual shite that can be half arsed to turn up for a match, mainly due to the fact that they have been chased out of every other social activity on offer locally and their partners / children are sick of them moping about the home.

My dead cat could play better cricket.

 

 

(Bike to) The Future of Sloths Cricket

What a glorious vista, yesterday afternoon, at Priston Festival’s beautifully-appointed overflow carpark. With buzzards wheeling majestically overhead, the church spire peering above tumbledown Cotswold-stone cottages and rolling, verdant hills in every direction, all was bathed in glorious Spring sunshine. And this bucolic idyll was soundtracked by a constant, melodic, chirp and babble. Yes: Stumpchat is back!

Though, it has to be said, Stu’s strategic sense was a little off. He went in too hard at the outset, realising too late he’d not paced himself properly. Meanwhile, fresh Junior slipped under the radar, enjoying the spoils of underestimation and launching a second foray when nobody was paying attention. But enough of the teas.

Whereas said refreshments normally ensure a surfeit of glutinous Sloths in attendance, this weekend Bathampton relied on a slew of debutants to fill the ranks. Clearly, the bulk of regular players had taken an early holiday in order to be back in time for Bike to The Future at Bath Fringe (June 1st, Old Theatre Royal – tickets from Bike to The Future – Komedia Bath). But no matter: this provided an opportunity to check out some new talent and a possible glimpse of the future for Sloths.

To wit: Ben ‘the-one-that-works-with-Luke’ injected Indian street-cricket vibes into the proceedings, with a joy and exuberance of Horrocksian magnitude. Bowling with a broad grin and the air of one throwing down a tennis ball in the company carpark, Ben later batted with similar freedom, untroubled by the devastation all around.

Johnny ‘king-of-the-sea’, having declared he’d not played for twenty years (they all say that), looked like a proper cricketer. The first ball of his bowling stint scudded through at fearsome pace and ankle-breaking height, narrowly missing the wickets. And this intensity continued, matched by run-saving work on the boundary and, later, a commanding performance with the bat.

And then there was Dan (of no fixed nickname). Whilst Dan – thrown in at the deep end, opening the Sloth innings with captain Fresh – looked a little tentative with the bat, he’d already bowled a tidy spell and taken a vital catch. Seeing the ball lofted in the vicinity of Madeye, Dan had the presence of mind to loudly shout ‘Dan’s!!’ – and Dan’s it was.

Fresh, Laurie, Harding and Lazarus all worked hard to keep the Priston run-rate down to a manageable level. So, it fell to Madeye – mindful of last tour’s ‘Maidengate’ – to make a game of it. And, three overs later, Priston were back on track for a winning total. Their opener ‘Taiko-Sam’ was largely responsible for this, batting the entire innings for an unbeaten 90 runs.

Whilst Sloths had acquitted themselves well in the field, Priston acquitted themselves weller. Used to the quirks of a pitch that necessitates bowling uphill from either end, whilst also managing to slope sideways, they used the option of orthodox spin – lacking in the Sloth arsenal – to good effect.

Some optimistic appeals for LBW were duly ignored. But nobody can deny the clatter of leather on stump. Or fail to admire a brace of well-held caught-and-bowleds from opener Ken.

Fresh and Jimmy both showed early promise. Johnny ‘King-of-The-Sea’, as mentioned, played some proper shots to good effect. And Ben the-one-that-works-with-Luke hit with gay abandon. But, one by one, Sloths were removed with runs still required.

And so, it fell to the unlikely last-wicket partnership of Madigan and Madigan to save the day. Sometimes history just writes itself. Occasionally the poetry of a moment flies in the face of harsh reality. Now and again, plucky underdogs prevail.

But not on this occasion.

You want specifics? Well, this correspondent will be otherwise engaged for the next week or so but happy to fill you in, in person, at the Old Theatre Royal Bath, on June 1st, from 8pm, tickets from Bike to The Future – Komedia Bath (look, no-one pays for this shit, so I have to find me own way to make it worthwhile).

Meanwhile, you may like to ponder the following conundra (as mulled-over in the fading sunshine over fridge-cooled cans of Prophecy):

  • Should a batsman be permitted a runner, if the pre-innings discussion of calling-etiquette lasts longer than the innings itself?
  • Is it acceptable to load your plate with both savouries and cakes?
  • Having adopted said strategy, is it then OK to go back for more?
  • If Stumpchat were to play cricket in a forest, with nobody there to hear him, would he still make a sound?

Answers, please, baked into a Battenberg and deposited at the KES pavilion, during the next home Sunday’s tea interval.

Mary Berry, Cake Correspondent, Slothful Times 

Stella See Red… Or Don’t

At this time of year, it’s usually a good idea to bat first, whilst the sun is at a reasonable height and the red ball visible. So it proved, last night at KES Fields. The wicket was flat and true and the outfield lightning fast as Sloth openers Fresh and George took to the crease.

Visitors ‘Stella-Max’ (Stella-Super? Stella-Extra?) presented a heady mixture of bowling. This ranged from the nippy and accurate, to the downright bizarre. Thus, it took a few balls for many sloth batsmen to find their rhythm. However, all did so. And I mean ALL.

No wickets fell. I’ll repeat that: NO WICKETS FELL. Many a Sloth returned to the pavilion but none was dismissed. Occasionally, a mistimed shot was lofted but only one found the fielder, who then had the good grace to let it go. Outstanding in this regard was a near-vertical hoist from Danny-O that gained such altitude it had NATO readying air defences. Danno was literally able to run two before the ball finally returned to terra firma.

Jimmy C was particularly impressive, compact and busy at the crease, with terrific hand speed. Harding, too, displayed a good range of shots. Hewes was imperious and unruffled as ever. Fresh and George saw off some tricky opening bowling to get the score board ticking. In fact, it didn’t so much tick as whir, reaching something in the region of 180 runs by the end of the allotted 20 overs.

Facing such a mammoth total, Stella appeared defeated before they’d even begun to bat. None seemed particularly eager to pad up. A couple did show potential to let loose but this never really transpired.

There were no weaknesses in the Sloth bowling line-up. In days of old, one might have expected some respite for the embattled visitors, provided by the inclusion of three or four non-bowlers. However, this team had no such element.

George ‘Lazereye’, fed-up with striking the pads, resorted to hitting the wickets. Jimmy C took a terrific, diving catch at short mid-off. SDS, fielding at point, took a similar – if somewhat more sedate – catch, pitching forward in apparent slow motion to snaffle the ball just above the turf.

Luke ‘Horcrux’ provided the now-familiar running commentary, now-familiar running commentary – repeating everything for the benefit of hearing-impaired, older Sloths. He also took a terrific catch, head-height, from an edged, rising delivery by Howard. And, with Hewes (?) on a hat-trick, near to the close, he dived forward, past the stumps, to scoop the ball from the dust, only to find the batsman had not made contact.

In the dying overs, the earlier-proffered white ball was finally accepted. Given that the game was now being conducted by moonlight, this was possibly a little overdue. Having said that, Stella’s batsmen had appeared to be seeing the ball OK. Only, they’d generally seen it hit the wickets or be caught by waiting fielders.

Talking of which, having spent much of the innings, inexplicably, with nobody behind the wicket – bar Horcrux and the occasional deep fine-leg – Sloths ended the game with 5 slips and two gullies. Knowing full-well none of these was likely to catch anything, Hewes elected to bowl in a manner that forced the batsman to pitch the ball to the one remaining offside fielder.

I’ve literally no idea how many runs Stella scored. But it wasn’t many. And it certainly wasn’t anywhere near Sloth’s record-breaking total (which I don’t actually know either – what am I, Bill Frindall?). Suffice to say, the visitors took it in good heart and characteristic humour. None more so than their wild-card batsman, who alternated – with successive balls – between batting right-handed and left. Class!

 

Over lukewarm tins of premium lager on the pavilion veranda, the usual post-match analysis was conducted and questions raised. To-wit:

  • what idiot decided cricket balls should be dark red?
  • does one cricket match and three days’ drinking constitute a ‘tour’? (that one from Stella)
  • speaking of red – whatever happened to unions?
  • why can’t cricket bats be made of bamboo?

Answers, please, on a red ball, in red marker pen, launched into the darkness of a dark, cloudy May evening.

Karl Marx, red correspondent, Slothful Times

Sloth’s enter Guinness Book of Records

Match report pending but in short, Bathford entered the Guinness Book of Records with a successful attempt from bowler Matthew Hunt to make the “longest run in”.

Opening (due mainly to a lack of any other player) were Harry Frith and Ant Howard, who took to the wicket at 1pm awaiting the five mile delivery.

Howard later quoted:

“It was by far my longest time at the crease – I know how Painter feels”

Due to a combination of errors, permission from the RAF to fly a drone over the Colerne flight path and then getting Matthew’s GPS to work, the five mile run up proved slower than SDS on the Bath Half.

So technically speaking whilst awaiting for some Sloth to pen a match report worthy of Harding’s excellence with bat (59), Jimmi Carlin’s superb support (37 and brilliant keeping) – WHAT A PLAYER!!, fantastically economical bowling from Hewes, Frith and Harding with Laurie boldly taking two overs at a time of intense pressure, ponder on this – if this is a World Record for the “longest run up” – then I’m pressing that Howard and Harry equally must be World Record holders for “WAITING TO FACE said longest run up”….. Pat on the fucking back lads – “Sloth World Record holders” makes playing Exeter look bland!

And did I forget to mention Porridge should bowl from 40 yards back?

above: the “World Record Longest Run up” Sloth Team, (from front left to right), Laurie Lewis, Frank Reakes, Harry Frith, Rick Hewes, Ant Howard, Jonny Lewis, Luc Horrex, Cam Bond, James Carlin, Tom Harding (man of match), Mike Bond

above: the “World Record Longest Run up” actual delivery as faced by Harry Frith, Ant in support

above: the bowling of Bonder

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Do you remember the first time? I can’t remember a worse time

Odd Down, 14th April, 2022, England. Do you remember the first time? Do you remember a worse time? The early season game that no one is available to play. Hewes lost the toss and he was thinking it was a wise decision that Stella opened the batting, he would’ve done that too.

Sam F opened the 2022 season with a first class degree of skill that left the Hampset batsmen playing way too early at the ball, this is an April pitch that hasn’t had the summer to dry out. Despite Sam’s probing deliveries the first wicket was taken by Tom H. And it seemed that the game was swinging the Sloths’ way. Wickets fell but the Stella batsmen were putting runs in the bag. After eight overs things were looking in the balance. Up steps Howard and promptly bowls his two overs for 3-1, that’s right let me reiterate, three wickets for one run, including a wicket maiden. Mike P was up next and he got his first wicket for the Sloths, a fine WW1 howitzer that landed on top of the stumps. Fabulous! The screw had turned and the final Stella score was, we felt, a little under par.

A solid chase was needed with the light fading quickly. Up first were NIc and Sam, I don’t recall seeing Sam being bowled before. A surprise and Stella were in the game. Painter was in next and confidently put his holiday mentality behind him as he rushed the bowlers before putting one down the throat of Joe the deep sweeping fielder, Jimmy was next in , on debut, looking like he needed to avenge his recent change of career. The anchor, Nic,  however, never wavered and retired. Leaving the first six of the innings to Harry, in fact the first six he has ever scored. What a feeling! That acceleration left Sloths reaching the target with 3 overs remaining. 

As ever, questions were asked:

  • Does cricket take more than it gives?
  • Would Joe Root like to join our team?
  • Does the artificial pitch at Odd Down still exist?
  • If no one goes for a beer at the op-os club, is that rude?
  • Should we play fixtures in April?
  • Is Rick related to Peter Tork from the Monkees?

Match Report: Blue Storm (Bath Uni) vs Bathampton Sloths

After a 2 year Covid-induced hiatus, the Bath Indoor Cricket league returned for a slightly abbreviated 2022 season. Sloths in Division A is a worrying prospect only made worse by the fact that almost all the skilful players who helped secure the promotion had either moved to colonial outposts (Singapore, Norfolk) or just couldn’t be arsed to turn up. When the 12 yr old has played more indoor matches than 3 of the other Sloths in the team, its fair to say that the cards were somewhat stacked against. Luc and Veal joined Fresh as the experienced backbone of the team while debutants Will and George stepped gamely up to the plate. Finally with Bear Flat Dad and now honorary Sloth Chris Salmon rising to the occasion, a team had been cobbled together.

Storm won the toss and put the green Sloth unit in to bat. Fresh and indoor deb Will Maslin opened, and watched on bemused while Storm haemorrhaged extras with their short-pitched stuff. Although they fielded well, they also left some big gaps which were exploited to the full. Fresh and the Salmon opted for the gap to the back wall, whilst Will opted for the gap between the actual gaps, hitting one fielder’s middle stump and flooring the poor chap. The Salmon smoked various short balls to the back wall, and ran impressively between the wickets. By the time he fell (hook line and sinker), Horrex had just one ball to face and managed resourcefully to get 6 runs out of it. Will carried his bat having show technique and positive intent throughout. George and Veal contented themselves on the balcony with taking video nasties of the oppo’s misfortune. A pretty impressive 113 for 2 wickets had been scored. Top scorer extras, actual top scorer Chris Salmon, leaping to the top of the stats leaderboard. 113 was certainly above parr.

Storm, clearly a team of youth and proper cricketing ability, then came out to bat. The Salmon opened the bowling with some mysterious legspin stuff while George opted straight and fast lasers – both highly effective, with very few extras. Will had a decent shout for an early run-out, but was turned down. The batters looked to smash the back wall, but met serious resistance with Will and George solid at mid on and mid off. Veal and George formed a good partnership where Veal bowled lefty straight stuff and George fielded almost every ball at mid-on. With this pressure, wickets started to fall all of a sudden, with calm run-outs, yorkers, catches and one hit roof. Before you could say ‘top of the league’, it was all over. The rookie Sloth outfit had completed a memorable smash-and-grab to take an early top spot in Division A.

The experienced indoorists know that you need to run between the wickets to win a match. That’s assuming the other team can bowl on the track though. Storm will kick themselves for wayward bowling and then succumbing to the scoreboard pressure. Swimming against the Blue tide of youth and ability( and benefitting from being the first match to be played) the Sloths had moved to the top of the league whilst employing the minimum of movement.

After the match, various semi-hibernating sloths took the opportunity to share effusive messages of congratulation, support, and mutual friendship on social media, helping the newer Sloths to gain a deeper underlying of the true spirit of Slothdom. Now we just need some nicknames for Will and George…

A Game of Two Sponges

Two things stood out at yesterday’s traditional end-of-season encounter between Sloths and Hampset yesterday afternoon. These were, in no particularly order, Samuel’s fantastic 47 retired and the cake. Other highlights included newbie Will’s two-wicket opening over, Lodge’s over-the-top celebration at finding the middle of his bat first ball and yet-another-newcomer Imran’s tremendous bowling.

Otherwise, it was the usual mixed bag. Harry found some turn in the crumbling wicket. Samuel generated pace to belie his slight stature, generating edges that were – astonishingly – not secured in the field. Fresh, too, looked menacing from the cake end.

But the real difference between the two sides was a certain Mr Bond. No, not that one. Hampset’s erstwhile league player merrily set about upsetting Sloth bowling averages and threatening neighbouring greenhouses. Hitting straight through the line and clearing the boundary with alarming ease, Bond set Hampset on target for a hefty total.

Even deployment of Sloth’s secret weapon Stu ‘one-leg’ Nelson (he clearly misread the history books) couldn’t halt the flow of runs. He did manage one tidy take at first slip. But only on the bounce. Sadly, he wasn’t around later when Lodge needed a runner. Jon’s request was met by a swift response from captain Fresh “Runner? You never run – you can have a walker”.

After a slightly faltering start, the Sloth run machine did begin to fire, in response to Hampset’s 200+ from 32 overs. Lodge, ably accompanied by a slightly confused Samuel, scored some valuable runs. Hewes, meanwhile, was showing no interest in turning ones into twos. He did, however, hit several boundaries, including a glorious straight drive over the bowler’s head for six. He later declared this to have been premeditated – but I think he may have meant ‘pre-medicated’.

After Lodge’s demise, Frith had the luxury of now running for himself. Frustrated at the lack of partners who could do the same, he took to peppering the boundary. In fact, he not only peppered it but garnished it with a fragrant chilli sauce. Even Mr Bond – no, not that one – was moved to applaud this young man’s skill and determination.

But all good things must come to an end. Whilst the Sloth late order valiantly attempted to get after the bowling, the target was just too high. Hampset won a well-earned victory and all agreed it had been a fine encounter.

And then cake happened. Which was good. Very good. So, all’s well that ends well.

As ever, questions were asked (over cake – did I mention that?) in the Hampset bar:

  • At what age is it acceptable to be unaware of Botham’s Ashes?
  • Would anything prevent Stumpchat taking to the field?
  • How many cricketers does it take to change a pool table?
  • Strawberry or chocolate? Or both?
  • If the skipper leaves without settling his bar bill, what should the penalty be?

Answers, please, on a doily, placed under a cake of your choosing at the next AGM

Mary Berry, Baking Correspondent, Slothful Times

Sun, Slothfulness & Sledging

It was a beautiful evening, yesterday, at Sloths’ KES HQ. Hard to imagine that, only four nights previously, we had been struggling to see the pink ball in gathering gloom, down in Devon. The skies were clear but there was moisture about, meaning the bowlers could enjoy plenty of movement through the air. This, coupled with somewhat uneven bounce, made for some surprisingly tricky batting.

The visitors may have also been surprised at the youthful pace of the not-entirely-youthful home team’s line-up. Pick of the crop, for me, was Fresh. Back from tour, he was able – after a little on-field coaching from Ric – to re-establish recent form. Twice, he beat batsmen that were shaping to drive to leg, only to find the ball careering onto middle and off.

Frith H also asked some searching questions. As did Hewes – though, largely of the inexperienced Bond Jnr, behind the stumps. Cam looked the part and dealt with the usual breadth and variety of Sloth bowling with calm assurance. Until the ball was nicked. But nobody can really blame him. Madeye, too, put down a chance at short mid-off but, frankly, nobody expected him to reach, let alone catch, the ball.

The visitors never really looked like getting away and only managed a total of 98 from their allotted 20 overs. So, everyone was looking forward to an early finish and extra time at the al-fresco bar. But this was not to be.

Frith and Fresh both looked assured at the crease but didn’t quite time the ball well enough to spread the field. Both did reach 25, though not as quickly as they may have liked. However, Sloths’ number 3 specialist – ‘Leftie’ Hewes – then came in to take charge of the situation.

The word ‘phlegmatic’ was used, on the boundary, to describe this individual. I’ve looked it up and, apparently, it means: ‘Having or suggesting a calm, sluggish temperament; unemotional or apathetic’. Can’t argue with that, really. Except the ‘sluggish’ bit. And the ‘apathetic’ bit. Not quite sure about ‘unemotional’, really. But it’s a nice word all the same.

In any case, Rick was soon back at the pavilion, having knocked-off a speedy 25 and ensuring the requisite 99 runs would be reached in time for a couple of cold beers. Lazarus and Flash Harry delivered the final blows, looking for the big-hit at every opportunity and occasionally finding it.

But the real drama was on the boundary. Tension filled the air as Cunliffe’s dad menacingly asked the vicar to talk him through his son’s run out. And an unusual new phenomenon was observed, in the gentle – yet persistent – sledging of scorer Harding by a certain chap named Bez.

So:

  • Is it acceptable to storm-off, if persistently placed number 11 in the batting?
  • Is it acceptable for the visitors to polish-off the entire stock of Thatchers Haze?
  • Is it acceptable to harangue a vicar over his on-field conduct?
  • Do we need to install Bez as substitute Northerner, in Stump and Big Mac’s absence?

Answers, please, on a Rizler and placed in Stumpchat’s kit bag.

Clare Fallon, North of England correspondent, Slothful Times