There was something of an end-of-term feel to Sloths’ final home match of the season at KES Fields last night. Appropriately, many of the old guard were in attendance. But skippering duties were entrusted to newbie Lazenby. Not that George feels like a newcomer. He is one of a raft of recent additions to the Sloth ranks that seem as though they’ve always been there (in a good way).

Though the school has long since finished its privately-funded 3-week summer term, the ground staff had prepared a decent strip amid the lengthening outfield. This made for curious playing conditions. Whereas the ground is water-starved and solid, the grass was patchy and run-sapping. The wicket itself produced variable bounce and grip for the seam, whilst the air was so thick with moisture you could chew on it. So, batting was a challenge.

To say it was getting a little gloomy by the end of play would be like saying our government is a bit incompetent. When visitors Royal Oak, batting second, called for the while ball, the suggestion was made that perhaps they’d like one with a bell inside.

Royal Oak arrived a little short-handed. Their captain persuaded George that, given their paucity of bowlers, they should be allowed three-over spells. However, this agreement was soon rescinded. Oak’s two openers restricted Sloths to a handful of runs, removing the openers in the process. Meanwhile, their missing players arrived, giving the visitors a full compliment.

Among these was one player who, by his own admission, normally plays at league level. And he was quite literally in a different league to everyone else on the pitch. Coming in off a lengthy run-up, his deliveries emerged from a high action, wide of the crease, then curved in at the last, removing both Lodge and (Peanut?) in the process. In fairness to Oak’s captain, he agreed that one over of this devastation was enough.

Sloths’ regular run-scorers, Peanut, Lodge, Stump and Hewes were all dismissed for modest totals. And, it turned out, the Oak team had decent bowling throughout. Who knew? Apparently not their captain. Seeing young Lawrie take the crease, said skipper patronisingly brought in the field and lobbed up a dolly. Which Fresh Junior duly dispatched to the boundary. That’ll learn him.

Harding built a solid innings, aided and abetted by Evetts, improvising creative scoops and sweeps between more orthodox strokes. Captain George didn’t stay around for long. Matt went for glory. And went for not many. Sloths were all out for 88.

But this was a strong home team bowling line-up. In the gathering gloom, Peanut and Matt restricted Oak’s openers to a trickle of runs. Harding confounded with his two-pace quicker-than-you-think deliveries. Hewes and Lazenby both asked searching questions: like ‘can you see the ball?’. They couldn’t. So, the aforementioned white ball was found – much to the relief of those in the outfield, who – hitherto – had had no idea what was going on.

Howard put in a good spell (you’re right – can’t remember… but he’s normally good). Lodge was outstanding and should have had a couple more wickets, where catches didn’t quite stick. Lawrie, once adjusted to the full-length track, bowled some corkers, beating both batsmen and fielders in the process. Evetts kept played-in batsmen pinned to the crease in the final overs. Indeed, the whole team bowled and fielded with focus and dedication.

Stump took time out from his running commentary to miss a certain catch, the ball ascending vertically from a top-edge off the bowling of Howard (or Lodge… it was dark), then falling – unobserved – within inches of his nose. He did, however, make amends with a brace of sharp stumpings. (Or maybe just the one? It’s hard to tell: Stu whipped off the bails so fast and so frequently even the umpires struggled to keep up.) And a glorious run-out, facilitated by a throw from the pavilion boundary by Peanut.

The runs Lazarus saved probably ran into double figures, as he patrolled that boundary like his life depended on it.  One outstanding moment saw Nic sprint round the perimeter, dive full length, gather the ball as he rolled, spring to his feet and throw in accurately over the stumps, in one smooth motion. And then, in the final over, he took an overhead catch, at full stretch, to remove Oak’s league-playing danger man.

Though the visitors now only needed three runs for the win, it briefly seemed that the improbable may happen.

It didn’t. But it might have.

 

In the absence of Enforcer Bond, Sloths gleefully helped themselves to cool-box-warmed beers on the pavilion veranda (don’t worry, Mike: Rick wrote everything down… kinda). As the bats (no, the other ones) made their dusk fly-pasts and the alcohol took effect, questions – as they are apt to do – arose:

• Why – when, aside from a couple of weeks mid-season, the evenings are as dark as a Nick Cave sing-along – don’t we default to the white ball?
• Is it OK that Fresh Junior finds the bowling at his under-13s fixtures significantly more demanding?
• If Ev plays for every pub side in the area, does he have a drinking problem? Or a cricket addiction?
• What is the half-life of a lithium battery?

Answers, please, etched into the blade of a wind turbine and erected on the hill overlooking Lodge’s farm in Wales.

George Monbiot, environment correspondent, Slothful Times.