Tag: Bathford

Bathford Nafbowling Blownaparte by Nelson’s Heavy Firepower


Napoleon once said ‘La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid’. Nelson, who got an E in GCSE French because he spent revision time in the nets, didn’t understand what on earth he was on about. Peu importe one might say having witnessed the admirable display of prowess by the young Nelson at Bathford on what was a perfect mid-summer’s evening at Bathford.

The away venue proved a difficulty for most of the selected team, as tardy Sloth texted fellow tardy Sloth variously noting that they would be late. With Edwards at home nursing his groin following his exploits the evening before*, the team on paper was down to 8 players. Strong leadership was going to be required in the face of such a paucity of players. Alas the leadership, aka Chairman Franks, was also ‘going to be a little bit late’. Fortunately, James ‘the Colonel’ McWilliam turned up to bolster the Sloth ranks to a starting 8 with the promise of more to come. Difficult to imagine that this would be sufficient against a full Bathford XI, but the sky was blue, the sun was out, and Madigan was nowhere to be seen – spirits were high among the Sloth contingent.

I imagine it was a mutual decision to put the Sloths into bat to give latecomers a chance of arriving, but being late, I’ve no idea. Opening the innings was the responsibility of Nelson and Headon Snr, the latter’s groin having made a miraculous recovery since Sunday following extensive deep tissue massaging, so I am told. All started quietly – a few byes, a leave outside off, a few jogged singles, a boundary. The bowlers then started to err in line, length and footing, and extras started to push the score up more rapidly than one might have expected. A few more boundaries from Nelson and Headon – the batsmen were getting the measure of the pitch. Then, without warning, Nelson launched Muson for a mighty straight drive six over mid-on. But contention ensued as the fielders claimed that it had not cleared the boundary, and the tension rose between fielding team, the home umpire and the visiting umpire.

As Muson reprised his bowling, the first ball went for a two and Nelson was told that he was to retire at the end of the over. Most Sloths worth their salt would defend/leave the next five balls and retire with their stats intact. The admirable Nelson eschewed this vice, and played the next five deliveries like the love-child of Viv Richards and AB De Villiers – 2, 6, 6, 6, 4. The second 6 was enormous again over mid-on, and the third was into the field. To add to the extraordinary drama, the square-leg Sloth umpire called no-ball to two of those deliveries, only to be dismissed by the home umpire. Some pedantry then ensued about the regulations of cricket, the difference between ICC and MCC laws and so on and so forth – unperturbed by this side-show, Nelson strode off retired on 47, and the score ratcheting up quickly.

Nelson’s success and some very slow bowling indeed had the Sloth confidence high, and a desire to deal only in boundaries seemed to grip the lower ranks. Bond came, spanked a four and went. Hewes came, spanked a four and went. Connor came, spanked two fours and went. Lewis came, spanked a four and went. Howard just came and left. The Colonel spanked 3 fours, and went. And all the while Headon Snr pottered along sensibly and nicely at the other end, blending boundaries with well judged singles. 16 overs into proceedings and no Chairman to be seen (having texted to say he was just leaving Portsmouth at 12 minutes to 6), so Nelson went back out to rejoin his opening partner. Some better bowling had been kept back, so a more sedate pace was adopted, and by the time Nelson was bowled, there were 170 runs on the board, and 2 balls left in the 20 overs. Magnificent stuff from Nelson and Headon Snr, with extras the other significant total.

Bathford kindly donated three fielders, all of whom were not only quality fielders, but also were very animatedly sledging their own batsmen and rejoining all wicket-taking celebrations. In the face of this and an imposing total, the home side imploded not surprisingly. The Colonel opened with his military medium, and once more did the batsman with an excellent slower ball in a carbon-copy of a dismissal the day previous. However, the square-leg umpires call of no-ball this time was accepted and no wicket given. Could have gone either way, but Howard, in a statistical sub-plot, shed no tears for the unfortunate Colonel. The irrepressible opener struck back though and bowled the geezer out. Connor bowled very well for three overs, and clean bowled another. Stumpchat took a fantastic catch standing up to Matt Headon (off a full run-up) and the home side were in trouble. Howard forced another two wickets; Bonder got one out with the leg-side trap. With the game as good as up, all sorts of shenanigans going were on in the field – Howard and Hewes using the natural topography to play hide and seek; wicket keepers bowling; bowlers wicket-keeping; and pacemen attempting leg-spin. Fielding plaudits to Bonder with some fantastic stops, the Colonel back to his normal capable self in the field (although there was one crass spillage I recall…), and all fielders lent to us by Bathford, all of whom were excellent. All out for 85, the locals had been powerless in the face of the full Nelson

As the summer evening was cooling and the sun was descending, the adrenaline of victory subsided and the mood became more reflective. Why was 12 minutes insufficient for Chancellor Franks to make it from Portsmouth to Bathford? How can Ant doctor the figures to ensure that he remains top wicket taker without it being noticed? Why are groin injuries becoming so commonplace amongst the middle-aged Sloths? Where was Kev? Who cared?

Handunnettige Deepthi Priyantha Kumar Dharmasena, ICC Umpire

*(refer to Guinness match report)

One Wedding and a Five-For

Bathford vs Bathampton, Bathford, 29-04-17

Captain Franks was heard to utter ‘To be fair, we’re not likely to put on many other scores over 170 this season’ at the end of an action packed 40-over game on Saturday at Bathford’s dry ski slope. And this against what was later revealed to essentially be the home side’s 1st XI. And with only 9½ players available.

Although Bathford, on winning the toss, had elected to bat, they had so many surplus players to hand that at times one might have assumed they were fielding as well. Bolstering the still-awakening-from-hibernation Sloth ranks, Bathford rotated the supply of auxiliary fielders and umpires with such regularity that it became commonplace for the two to be confused. Meanwhile, the indigenous Sloths put on a fine display of ‘falling over near to the ball’, occasionally even stopping its trajectory short of the boundary.

Opening the bowling, Jon ‘Large’ was unfortunate to have a couple of edges defeat the eagerly awaiting Sloth fielders’ paws, whilst Houston found good line, length and variation at the other end from the off. Debutant James [insert surname here] got off to a flying start with a wicket in his first over and continued to probe throughout a fine spell, in between duties as ‘ball magnet’ at mid-off. But Bathford patiently waited for any stray deliveries and invariably found the boundary whenever these came, putting on a mighty total of well over 200 runs (no, I haven’t seen the score book).

Mention should be made of Mike ‘your match fee or your life’ Bond, valiantly throwing himself around like a man half his weight age behind the stumps and taking an improbable catch by the merest tips of his outstretched right glove (albeit having missed a sitter two overs before). Similarly, Rick ‘you should see the other guy’ Hewes remained calm beneath a lofted straight drive of sufficient altitude to cause concern to Bristol Airport’s incoming traffic, to deny Bathford what may well have otherwise been a third retirement on 50+.

But the defining feature of Sloths’ outfield exploits has to be Jonty Frith’s extraordinary pace, accuracy and single-minded ruthless determination in despatching, in record time, two hapless newly-weds. After that he was able to take to the field in time to put in a full bowling spell as well. And what a spell he cast (see what I did there?), taking – wait for it – 5, yes five, that’s FIVE wickets for… oh, I don’t know really but not many runs. And this included a trinity of wicket-maidens, one of which was itself a 3-wicket maiden!!!

Apparently, following a previous shoulder injury, Jonty has been working out and this appears to have added a little fire and brimstone to his delivery (as well as his bowling). For those wanting to emulate Jonty’s action, it may be useful to try the following exercise:

In response to Bathford’s epic total – and following a hearty tea in the hosts’ new state-of-the-art garden shed – captain Franks decided that some creative captaincy was called for. Ingeniously putting Madeye in at the outset to ‘see off the openers’, he apparently hadn’t made it clear he had meant Bathford’s openers. Sadly, we will never know what a fine innings Lodge may have crafted but he will certainly rue the day he declared ‘Neither of us has ever run the other out’.

After this shaky start, however, Harper displayed his usual guile and grit, carving beautifully timed shots behind square both to the leg- and off-side boundaries. Bond arrived at the crease with the air of a man who is not to be messed with and was clearly not intimidated by the home bowlers’ incessant barrage. Both did a fine job in building the platform for a solid and substantial innings.

In spite of this, the required run-rate continued to mount and drastic action was thus called for. Cue captain Franks, with has trademark French-Cricket stance, seemingly happy to play any ball with complete disregard for its relative merits. Suddenly the game was back on and with the run-rate creeping below 20 per over, some even began to believe that the biggest upset since – well, take your pick – may actually be on the cards.

Naturally, Franks’ free-spirited stroke play was ultimately his downfall but not before he’d made an appreciable impact. And there was still plenty of batting to come. In no particular order (I may have dozed off): Hewes, ignoring his broken body, strode manfully into the fray and swung the bat as is his wont; Howard did something or other; Newby Jim showed a straight bat and knocked-up a useful late tally; etc.

But it was Frith who, making a late appearance again, chose once more to steal the show. With only one over remaining and a goodly number of runs required, there was really nothing for Jonty to lose. Except his wicket. Which he did. Twice. In three balls.

To clarify, Bathford had suggested we allow batsmen to return for a second innings, should the entire side be dismissed. Given Sloths only had 10 men, the openers had already changed and nobody was interested in padding up, there was nothing for it but for Jonty to turn around and go back again. Twice.

Now, if there’s an award for conducting a marriage, taking 3 wicket-maidens, a five-for and being out twice – all on the same day – then Jonty may claim it fair and square. In the unlikely event such a thing does not exist, perhaps it should be created.

So it was a characteristically eventful start to a promising new season for Sloths. Bathford were later moved to contact Captain Franks in order to roundly mock him for his incompetence commend Sloths on their plucky efforts against a team of regular league players. James ‘fresher-than-fresh’ proved an invaluable acquisition and Jonty stunned everyone with his wicket tally – both with ball and bat.

Here’s to more of the same…

Richard Dakwins, Theology Correspondent, Slothful Times