Bathampton vs Redbridge Royals; KES; 01-06-21

As the usual rag-tag assortment of locals convened on the outfield at KES, yesterday evening, they were met with a worrisome spectacle. A squad of youthful and athletic blokes in matching kit were warming up in the adjacent nets. ‘Don’t worry’ assured captain Howard, ‘they’re footballers’.

Thus ennobled, Sloths set about humiliating these cheeky young upstarts. But, from the start, it was clear this would be no push-over. With no preconceptions, emotional baggage or fear, the visitors quickly embraced the concept of hitting a shiny, round, red thing with a long, willowy, wooden thing. And, it turns out, some were rather good at it.

D’Pipe provided the first breakthrough for the home side, having first peppered the wicket with a barrage of unerring expletives. Hewes confounded both batsmen and fielders alike, with intermittent pace and spin. One ball pitched in the rough and turned at an angle that would make Shane Warne proud. SDS later dislodged the bails with a trance-inducing orb that appeared to be hovering in slow-motion.

Bonder, behind the stumps, gamely stopped the varied deliveries using everything short of his gloves. Howard scooped a fine catch, low to the ground, at silly mid-off. ‘Van-man’ Nick, Porridge and Cam all saved valuable runs, martialing the boundaries with quick feet and strong arms. But this week’s ball magnet was SDS, who’s finest moment was accidentally stopping a firm drive off his own bowling, whilst trying – but failing – to get out of the way.

All the while, the visitors kept the scoreboard ticking. Many boundaries and a willingness to scamper singles meant that this inexperienced side notched-up an impressive 122 runs. At the break, Sloths were less than certain of victory and a humiliating defeat was not out of the question.

Fortunately, though, the home side had a formidable new talent on hand to save the day. Enter W Ides, who scored erratically, yet persistently, throughout the innings. There was some debate as to whether his inclusion was appropriate. However, it was agreed the visitors could allow their better bowlers unlimited overs. So, all’s fair in love and war.

As with batting, for many of the visiting side, bowling was a novel experience. But a sportsman is a sportsman. Fresh from their recent league triumph, the visitors were up to the challenge. And, between wides and no-balls, several of these initiates were bang on the money.

Painter and Hewes provided a solid start to the Sloth response. Both hit with confidence and looked like getting off to a flying start. Hewes’ glory, however, was cut short, when he tried – but failed – to force a decent delivery over mid-off. Painter, back from a recent rebuild, overcame any lack of flexibility incurred. He knocked the ball to the boundaries every which way and gamely trundled between the sticks, before retiring.

The visitors’ chief weapon was Watson, who bowled with accuracy and pace. Others, too, caused Bond Snr to became somewhat becalmed and pinned to the crease. And when Bond Jnr replaced him, it looked as though he, too, may be stifled. But then something happened. And that something was Porridge.

In an innings of Freshmeat-esque fluency and Houston-like harrying, Luke stole the game. For someone who, allegedly, has only been playing cricket for a couple of years, Porridge displayed astonishing balance, commitment, range of strokes and sheer exuberance. It was one of the finest innings this hack has had the pleasure to record.

Cam, too, found his rhythm, gratefully accepting deliveries on his pads when a yawning gap at square leg beckoned. So, just as it looked as though Sloths may struggle to equal the visitors’ total, they raced past it with seeming ease. Or was it simply that scorer D’Pipe had added a couple of extra overs? Who’s counting anyway?

Over socially-distanced post-match beers on the pavilion terrace, Sloths asked themselves some searching questions…

• Should a return fixture be offered, at kick-ball?
• Does Howard know the difference between Third Man and Point?
• What’s the correct response to a skipper asking you to field on opposite boundaries in alternate overs?
• How many overs should there be in a twenty-over innings?

Answers, please, in indelible marker, scribbled on the windshield of the silver Winnebago parked outside The Crown, Bathford.

 

Lord Lucan, correspondent-in-absentia, Slothful Times