Sloths vs Winsley @ Winsley CC, 13th May 2026

Into the second week of May we stride, and the Sloths face a hefty 3 fixtures in one week, with two on consecutive nights! A (currently) thriving squad of Sloths meant that there were 9 players playing on Wednesday who didn’t play the night before, an impressive feat!

Slotherly by nature, the toss being won by StumpChat, the only sane option was to bat. With Qayoom & Captain Carling opening the charge, showing a combination of power hitting and silky stroke play saw them both retire. A highlight was Qayoom sending some massive sixes out of the ground whilst wearing a Winsley top, without any hint of irony. Alongside this, Jimmy calmly compiled an innings giving himself the time he needed without his pre-match burger and 2 pints. 

Good Will was getting pinned down by some accurate bowling, and then fully climbed into a length delivery and sent it for an almighty six over a huge tree, the silence felt even more silent after the thwack from his bat as we all watched it disappear into the distance. After  then telling himself to be “THE Good Will” and not get himself out bowled, he was duly bowled. But fair play it was a real nut. Kirsty comes out and tells himself to make sure he sees off his first ball by getting on the front foot and defending because he knows the location location location it’ll land. Immediately he was then bowled, by not going backwards or forwards, to a swinging beaut of a ball. Out came Ish with an adult sized bat (what was he thinking) to deny the young Winsley bowler his hat trick glory (was it a sign of things to come?). True to his batting style (swinging from the hip) he sent his 2nd ball high into the WiItshire sky to hit a ridge tile on the clubhouse. His giddyness was his downfall, holding out to long on going big again. I blame the fullsized bat, stick to the Harrows I say. 

HRP strutted into bat and declared “hammy is a bit tight, I’ll need to warm up running”, but was confusingly VERY keen to take a single after dropping it 3 foot from the bowler. Umpire Porridge had to remind him “this isn’t indoor”. Stump at the other end by now, clearly lacking batting practice, relied on his winter fitness conditioning to force HRP and Qadeem to run 2s by default. The young Qadeem was struggling to keep his box in place, but begrudgingly obliged whilst what appeared to be a gesture of grabbing his nuts and shouting “it’s too big”. We’ve all got problems and this correspondent wouldn’t mind that one. The youth of today (grumble, grumble, grumble).

All in all 150 runs amassed over 18 overs. A solid return. 

A fast turn around brought the dynamic duo of Qayoom & Ish to open up. Pace and a straight line had the batters digging balls off their toes. Ish found his 5th stump line and drew the batter into a wafty drive, kissing the edge much to his confusion. Like Manchester United fans circa 2017, DD shouted “attack, attack, attack” throwing Qadeem onto bowl. Seeing the batters out of their crease trying to negate his skiddy bounce, StumpChat decided a dark Wiltshire evening was an appropriate time to stand up. The stumping chance came but he took the bails before catching the ball WHOOPSIE DOOPSIE. Less “shabas” more “shit bastard”. It’s the trying that counts. 

Good Will was the counter balance from the other end (well the same end as its early-season rules but I haven’t got a better term for it) throwing down niggly length balls propelled by his towering biceps. The batters feeling stuck made the mistake of having a desperate swing and sent it directly to Gorgeous George at mid-off, taking the catch despite not seeing the ball for 80% of its journey. 

Jimmy lobed up his loopy leggies and after a few looseners got a gem above the eye line, the batter saw total glory in front of him, sprinted down the track to try and plant the ball out of the ground, but missed the ball and StumpChat (this time) managed to catch the ball first before gleefully taking the bails. The real tale of Jimmy’s fielding innings was his catch. At mid-wicket the ball was thumped at him over his head. Captain Carling became more Captain Birdseye, leaping into the year and extending his right hand to take the ball behind him and also survive thumping into the ground. Then announcing “I did not know my body could still do that”.

DD continued with his aggressive field, decreeing “let’s force him to play through us”, as the batter then immediately played through us. Despite hobbling around with one functioning hamstring (why were Sloth hamstrings going?) Qadeem took every opportunity to hurl the ball in at full youthful pelt, sending grown men cowering as it cannoned towards the stumps.

With the top order gone, Porridge’s name was called. Off three steps he produced 3 wickets in 4 balls. Bowled, caught and another bowled swinging in to take leg stump. The less said about the actual hatrick ball the better. We needed a name for this feat as 3 in 4 balls is no joke. The debate ensued;  “half hat trick”, “your mummy loves you hatrick” and “shitcunt hat trick” were the favourites on the evening but please send in your better suggestions. 

Having taken 9 wickets the Winsley retiree wasn’t ready to return so we gave the No.11 a go since he hadn’t faced a ball. Spirit of Sloth was strong, as was the 64 run winning margin. Contributions were made all round and sweet, sweet victory rained supreme. Winsley were great hosts, really getting the idea that it’s about playing to win but not at the expense of having fun.

It leaves me to ponder;

• If the fear to create an accurate book to avoid Ant’s wrath causes sloths to pour Pepsi on the book, should Ant chill out about shitty score books?
• Who can leap higher; Jimmy Carling or Micheal Jordan carrying a three-clawed Sloth?
• If the sloths can win by over 50 runs on a heavy rolled pitch, or one that’s never seen a roller, what should the oppo do to create unfavourite conditions to this rambling collection of sleepy mammals? 
• Sloths 4 games in are undefeated they make it five from five?

Yours slotherly,

7 Fingered Sloth, Special Reporter

vs The Offsiders @ KES Playing Fields, Bathampton, 5th May 2026

The Sloths returned to Fortress Bathampton for the beginning of the 2026 season in sprightly fashion. A plethora of Sloths arrived on time, vastly outnumbering The Offsiders, and thus it was wisely declared that the Sloths take the field. Lazarus readily gloved up and The Colonel ran a fielding drill, which (don’t worry reader) quickly descended into him berating the Sloths for their lack of discipline within said drill. Once the Sloths finally got into the rhythm of the tricky “it’s just logical really” drill, enough Offsiders had turned up for them to field, and so for some unknown reason Fresh then decided the Sloths would have a bat, poor Lazurus having to de-glove. The old switcheroo ay Johnny, that’ll keep ‘em guessing!

There was a contrast of styles opening the batting as The Doc stroked the ball through point and balletically lifted over the covers, while Ish swung hard and, often, missed the ball. Bad Will got a rare good pill that clattered his middle stump, while Gorgeous mopped up the short stuff to the exceptionally short leg-side boundary. However, a lush outfield on the off-side agonisingly held the ball up repeatedly on the rope and resulted in much frowned-upon running between the wickets. One can only imagine the jealousy of already-out Bad Will at this point, who hadn’t gone for a run in at least half an hour and was starting to get twitchy. To make himself feel better, as umpire he gave Fresh run out even though he was standing basically next to him. Porridge and Laz scuttled some quick runs, with Porridge going for broke off the last ball of the innings and chipping a catch to mid-wicket. Only to then find out there were two more deliveries left.

Sloths entered the field buoyant, setting a healthy target of who-knows-what off 18 overs, and skipping into their fielding positions as the church bells rang across the field. Oh what a sound! How gallant! How… long do you think they’ll go on for? Oh wow they really aren’t stopping. Wait, can anyone else still hear those bells or is it just me?

To this incessant soundtrack Sloths bowled beautifully, with Ish sending down a cracker to hit top of off and Bad Will, atoning somewhat for his golden duck, by taking a wicket with his very first ball. Just don’t mention how well The Colonel bowled for no wickets whatsoever, nobody mention it, ok. Porridge actually took a wicket maiden on his first time bowling in a few years so probably don’t mention that to him either. The Offsiders’ reply didn’t really get going, with the main reason being that wherever they hit the ball, there was Brent to deliver a fielding masterclass. A slog down to long on? There was Brent thundering in from the boundary. A cut to point? A diving Brent to stop the run. Surely he’s not at square leg too? You bet your chilly bin he is! At the end of the night, it became customary for everyone to sign off with “well played Brent” before heading home. Ant bowled the 14th over and the 18th over, as Captain Fresh appeared to forget him immediately after he bowled his first over of tweakers. Lazarus was liquid behind the stumps, receiving many plaudits, and calls of “where has this guy been?!”, “it’s nice to have a keeper who can actually catch”, before then missing a dolly of a run out chance. Ah cricket, the great leveller!

Ending in a dominant victory, the giddy Sloths then chinned lukewarm cans of varying sizes (yet all charged at the same price) and gushed at the joys of the cricket seasons’ return.

The talented Rick revealed he has created some kind of autonomous AI bot that will churn the Sloth batting and bowling figures from the scorebook and create a stats-database for all and sundry to delve into, all a Sloth had to do was take a photo of the scorebook for the process to work…

Vs Stellas Select @ Hampset (again), 31st July 2025

Compliments and critique can be wielded like weapons in the hands of some. None more so than the Elder Sloths who can scythe through fields of wheat with their words like a young Theresa May. First, we have The Gas Man who revealed with no subtlety whatsoever that the only reason Porridge was in the team was so a match report would be scribed. Is this a compliment? Is he a fanatical fan of metaphor-lined cricket reports that barely mention the actual action? Thusly, Porridge might feel a praise for his writings but, hang on, does that also mean that he’s shit at cricket?! Swooping in on this confusion lands Jonty Feedback Frith who immediately offers sympathy to Porridge for how hard it is to bowl when the ball is inswinging out of the hand like that. Oh, thanks Jonty, yes I suppose it was swinging a lot (and oh aren’t I so talente…) …yes and if only you could actually bowl straight you’d be able to harness this. Oh and your second over, well, that got a tad worse didn’t it. Oh, do you mean the head high beamers? Yes, well, at least they were straight. Brilliant. Not so much following the well-worn path of delivering feedback in a shit sandwich as just delivering shit really. But both Elders presented these verbal grenades with a disarming geniality that just so proves that cricket brings with it all that is good and, often, all that is equally bad.

This Thursday evening at a post-apocalyptic-thunderstorm Hampset CC was a case study in all that is cricket. Take bowling, for example, from a vantage point at deep square leg, whence I was leaning on the nearest available vertical object, Lazarus’ bowling looked like it was all regular, perfect line and length. Right up until the umpire repeatedly raised both arms after each delivery and Vib behind the stumps was scampering to collect. Sam Frith was back into the action like he’d never been away, stroking through the covers with a cultured blade before Ish greedily called him through for a second run on a mis-field that was never there and he was comprehensively run out. The Gas Man hit a remarkable 28 n/o before receiving a compliment on his batting, to which he replied that yes he actually tried to concentrate on batting this time, oh it’s really that easy everyone, just concentrate ok. Riccay bowled with venom and received no reward but did take an excellent grab at mid-off to give Ish a wicket and nearly dislocate one of his essential keyboard fingers, is this a reward? HRP sprinted full whack to cut off a ball at the boundary, reaching the ball magnificently at full speed and then forgot to actually bend down to stop it. Dan O revelled in turning up just to spend time umpiring, before bowling tidily and then spending the rest of the time in the field praying for the ball to stay away from him, sometimes actively patting the ball away from him hoping someone else would take it. Brent actually went home without taking a wicket so must be as furious as a Kiwi ever gets, maybe he’ll gently kick a bin on his way back to the car to teach it what-for.

Dear reader, this must all sound like a gripe! Picking away at the bones to find the negatives but no, this is a celebration of the spectacular failures, for that is what makes the ups so, up. As Sloths strolled to victory by 40 runs much joy was had in the comradery and shared trauma of the lived experience. Followed with hearty, active discussion of the anti-social Oldfield Park crows, Wiltshire peacocks (do they exist or no?) and the ruminations of why the hell are shuttlecocks called shuttlecocks. All failures were forgiven and added to the pot of stewing goodness that is the cricket season. So after an obscene amount of rain and a hellish sky comes the sunshine on a Thursday night at Hampset in high-summer, as what goes down must come up.

Vs Stella Select, @ Hampset CC, 3rd July 2025

Stella away games hold a special place in some Sloth hearts. Fresh usually books away games in car parks, schools or random fields. So to visit a proper, functioning cricket club with a working bar is a special treat.

The village adage was applied at the toss, “we have less players here than you so we should bat first”. Expert tactics from captain Fresh, knowing that this Sloth line up was a bowling powerhouse.

Sloths inserted, they peppered the preposterously short boundary, pouncing on anything short of a length to mercilessly hit the boundary netting willy-nilly. Laurie expertly swung and missed for an entire over, to lure in a false sense of security for the Stella attack, before then unleashing the hounds of hell in the next over. Matt Can’t-Bat Cox once again demonstrated his lack of batting by losing two balls, one in a hedge over the longest boundary and one over the 30 foot boundary netting into an Odd Down garden or somewhere down the hill at Dunkerton. It was an onslaught. A battering. Multiple Ben Ducketts in disguise. Whispers on the boundary spoke of a possible record. Loose lips muttered “could this be a 200 score?”. HA HA laughed Mother Cricket upon hearing such tomfoolery and, thus, Sloth wickets fell at once. Fresh played on, Jimmer looped to long-off, Stumpchat fluffed a leading edge to mid-off, The Gas Man was run out Johnny-Bairstowing-at-Lords-2023 and it took some late bashing by Ish and nurdling by Porridge to set the imposing target of 175 for a Stella victory on a dustbowl of a wicket.

Stellas lined up to tackle this mountain with a reversed batting order and were faced with the oncoming storm of Fahim and Quayom. Bowling a meaty full length, poles were taken and forward, defensive prods fully tested. HRP, Ish and Matt Can’t Bat continued this oppression, forcing Stellas to play across the line and then hear their stumps explode behind them in a cloud of splinters and sadness. Feeling the relief of some spin, Stella looked to score against Jimmer who then ragged one out of the dust to clatter the stumps. Resplendent in a new mid-week kit, Stellas looked like suped-up tuna marines that kept appearing at the wicket, to then immediately be darting back upstream to the safe pond of the pavilion. Lawrie proved too much, his left arm delivery from straight-out of the setting sun unnerved batters and, with two batters clean bowled in-a-row, he set up a hat-trick chance. 3 slips then lined up and immediately panicked as the delivery was sent down outside off. The wise-head at the crease left alone and regular Sloth service continued. As Sloth skip Fresh delicately described it “Porridge, you’re bowling from this end with the weak, shit and old Sloths” while at the other end, out of the amber setting sun flew the sprightly Sloths to demolish Stella souls.

As the target disappeared into the distance, HRP, returning for his third spell, took the final wicket and thus a comprehensive Sloth victory was secured in the dying embers of a mid-summer evening.

Over pork scratchings and actual non-cool-box-pints Sloths conversed about meaningful current events, such as: is padel better than tennis? Do we need pectoral muscles, really? Should we just continue to pay for remedial sports massages or actually stretch and warm up properly? Naaaaa another Thatchers for me please, I’ll stretch down when I’m dead.

As the warm June sun beat down on the lush grass of KES, a group of tired men from the village of Bathampton prepared to do battle once again. Could the decade-long Sloth winning streak be maintained, or would the dads, many of whom are now so old their kids don’t even go to school anymore, finally triumph?

Two makeshift squads of Sloths, dads, and famous TV presenters had been hastily assembled in the preceding days, and it was the horizontal half of the village who opted to bat first, despite having just 8 recognised players as the game started. To everyone’s surprise, Phil from Kirsty and Phil fame, clearly on location in Bathampton, played his first cricket match in 40 years, his property business having curtailed what could have been a promising career as an all-rounder.

The KES kestrel Dan O looked in fine form again with an unbeaten 29, supported in places by Ricky and Lawrie. SDS, Ant, and Brent upheld the traditional Sloth batting ethos, whilst Porridge knicked and nurdled his way to an unbeaten 27, with support from Jimmy, who looked in a hurry to take his helmet off due to another dizzy spell, probably caused by being in such close proximity to Phil from Phil and Kirsty.

At the close of the innings, the Sloths had managed an impressive 125 off 18 overs, which was nearly the same amount the Sunday sloth team had scored in 35 overs!

The Sloths made a strong start to the bowling, with The Doc removed cheaply and Ant taking the other opener. It was at this point that the dads showed their class, with runs coming quickly from all areas of the ground despite solid bowling and high-class fielding particularly from Laz at cover. Jimmy misheard the instruction not to throw the ball hard at the stumps and preceded to throw it as hard as he possibly could for 4 costly overthrows.

With the game in balance, it was time for Phil to shine, with the veteran picking his location, location, location with each shot. With former Sloth stalwart Dan Darwin moonlighting for the dads at number 7, it was clear the game was up, and a well-deserved victory for the dads was achieved in the final over with a stunning four back past the bowler.

Over beers the sloths pondered the big questions. Does it matter if you don’t play cricket for 40 years? What’s the line between a Bathampton Dad and a Bathampton Sloth? Was that Kirsty in the car park with the shades on? Who knows…

Vs The Offsiders, 22nd April 2025

“It’s all presentation over substance, that’s what’s wrong with the world nowadays” was one Sloth’s honest review of the new seating arrangement at KES pavilion, where a well-placed bench has been removed to be replaced with horrible, life-affirming flowers and planters. Luckily, Bathampton Sloths care little for their presentation and instead focus solely on substance (some much more than others).

Presently, Sloths gathered for the first game of the 2025 season and, quite potentially, about to engage in their first substantial piece of exercise in 6 months. Creaking bodies appeared from cars and all eyes gazed wistfully at the serenity of KES playing fields, oh such potential a new season promises! HRP even did some lunges.

Sloths batted first under strict instructions to ‘get on with it, we’re only playing 16 overs each because it’ll get dark quickly’. So who better to open at this break-neck speed than pre-Baz-Ball advocate and all-round Dom Sibley fan Porridge and Jimmer likes-to-take-a-look-so-stick-me-at-4-please-Skip. The Gas Man predicted a sticky pitch ‘whatwith that rain that fell earlier’ and wouldn’t you know it, he was right! At least that’s this writer’s excuse for a slow scoring 8 over batting stint. Jimmer found his timing to sweetly clear the in-field multiple times before getting under one and finding a fielder who could catch. Not like the dolly that was dropped in the covers an over previously. In came Laurie Veal who also fell to the sticky pitch, sending a leading edge high into the sky when clipping to leg and being caught. All eyes were on The Colonel as he strode to the wicket with, basically, Babar Azam’s bat and boy did it sound good as he sent one straight down mid-wicket’s throat. He glumly returned saying “oh boy I hate cricket”, but don’t worry readers, by the end of the game his boyish enthusiasm was back declaring “all that I was thinking when fielding was, I could do this for days”. Meanwhile, Dan DD Darwin Deez and The Gas Man upped the ante with scuttling running in the muggy conditions as fielders struggled with their barrage. After a dozen attempts, the big heave connected and The Gas Man gloriously struck the first six of the season into the canal fence and duly retired with a score of 30. Brent Boult struck a few to complete the innings and, off of their 16 overs, Sloth’s set The Offsiders 104 to win.

It’s hard to be objective about the following scenario because it was almost one of the best things I have ever been a part of and would have definitely resulted in me leaping topless into the canal. Ish kicked off Sloth’s bowling season with a ripper that caught the edge and was nearly snaffled one-handed by a diving Porridge. Ish continued with pace and accuracy to repeatedly beat the edge amid “ahh’s” and “ooo’s” from the Sloth fielders. A fair few worried “eek’s” from DD at point also, who’s analysis was “it’s lucky he’s in control of his length, because there’s a distinct possibility this batter could come a cropper”. The pitch providing plenty of carry and bounce, Ish changed tactic and honed in on the stumps to remove the opening batter. Fresh bowled tidily, being taught how to keep the seam upright by Veal just as he began his first run up. The familiar high release point of HRP was back for 2025, giving up the first four of the innings but also clean bowling a batter with a swinging beauty. How better to balance the quality of Ish’s opening spell with some village-leg spin? Jimmy Jimmy’s mystery dippers brought plenty of stumping attempts and a peak-village run out opportunity missed at both ends by despairing, chuckling Sloths. The two set batters steadily accumulated singles to very well placed Sloth fielders as the light began to dramatically fade. Enter the Sloth Spin Attack! Veal brought out his bag of tricks and bamboozled a batter with the in-swinging-arm-ball-left-handed-from-around-the-wicket classic, tasty. Brent Boult continued his streak of always bagging a wicket first game of the season as a batter skied one to the newly-bearded DD at point, who caught with authoritative aplomb. In near darkness, it was a James’ double act as Painter and The Colonel twirled away, allowing few opportunities to score and Jimmer, obviously, going to ground attempting a sharp caught & bowled chance.

Restricted to 78, Sloths took the victory but a fixture with The Offsiders in the height of summer would have been a trickier task.

Over giddy pints in The George, the joys of spring cricket were shared amidst the informal formation of The Bathampton Sloths Sports-Related-Good-Ghost-Writers-Only Book Club. DD shared his thumb-width book buying parameter and the club revealed its first recommendations:

• Open by Andre Aggasi (shorter than a book about 600 Years of The Saxons)
• Penguins Stopped Play by Harry Thompson
• One Long & Beautiful Summer by Duncan Hamilton

And yes, like all book clubs, it’ll be just another excuse to drink and go to the pub.

Vs Bear Flat Dads @ Odd Down, 16th July 2024

Oh là là!

Sloths stumbled on to Odd Down playing fields with a strong sense of Déjà-vu as not onze Sloths arrived but douze! Fingers were pointed squarely at the two most intellectual and Parisian-chic Sloths for causing such a mishap. The ordre judiciaire d’Sloth sentenced Monsieur Fresh to the guillotine / to bat at number 11 for Bear Flat Dad’s and that monsieur Porridge was to open the batting on a pitch that was as soft as a summer’s eve on la Côte d’Azur.

Brent and Porridge traded singles while adjusting to the sticky conditions. Brent started to get a read of the pitch and beautifully timed a straight drive, unfortunately, straight at the bowler. “Wait on!” was his cry as the bowler successfully grabbed the ball, at village level we must always first assume it will be dropped. Nash came in determined to assert himself and duly swung wildly at his first over, perfectly missing the ball early as it pitched and then moved past him in slow motion. Once his eye was in though, he peppered the in-fielders with drives that they sensibly dodged in self-preservation but resulted in plenty of boundaries. Riccay entered and sensed the leg-side boundary being just a tickle away so he fully committed to hoick it onto the Wellsway and was cleaned bowled. JG The Doc dug in for some hard earned runs as the pitch remained a tricky surface. A fit-fresh-faced Cam strode in and immediately discovered this trickiness taking a ball straight to the couilles. He stumbled to square leg to find some solace, think happy thoughts and take some deep breaths while the actual GP down the other end paid him no attention. He later prescribed Cam a box to prevent such problems in future. BFD had new bowlers and returning bowlers show some promise but also dish out a fair amount of extras as the total mounted up. Le Sloth adolescents Archie and Laurie built a sturdy looking partnership full of well-run singles before BFD accidentally activated their secret weapon, their pièce de résistance if you will, Monsieur Fresh came into bowl against Fresh Jr. Charging down the pitch to clatter his father into Englishcombe, Lawrie spectacularly missed and was narrowly stumped to his great dismay that only a family duel can muster. HRP then swung the baguette to clobber a quick-fire 20 and The Gas Man came in determined to run hard in the final over. Off the final ball of the innings, Archie was stumped off a wide, cleverly bringing in SDS for a slap and dash to set BFD 140 to win.

The BFD openers came out determined to chase with a now sun-filled evening and the pitch drying out. But they had to be watchful to an accurate Lawrie who then entered a full Stuart Broad-esque rage as his slower ball was deemed to be a wide. Huffing and puffing back to his mark, he turned around suddenly two feet taller and unleashed an absolute jaffa that drew the edge through to Porridge. Buoyed by this, HRP took two wickets off his own accurate bowling and BFD were up the Seine without a paddle. Archie further restricted the run rate with late swinging deliveries and then Riccay at the other end shocked himself. We’ve all become accustomed to his trademark run up through the umpire and then slinging around the wicket, however, we all stood agape as he came over the wicket like a normal person, spun the ball and instantly took a wicket. A caught and bowled later in the over and Sloths were all over them like hollandaise over eggs. Porridge, enjoying this new-found spin bowling, came up to the stumps for the second over only to see Riccay return to type and suddenly start winging it as fast as he could. One in-ducker managed to miss both bat and keeper as it whispered sweet French nothings to the bails on its way past. Aggrieved, the batter decided to clobber the next delivery and middled it straight towards the non-striker’s throat who somehow managed to block it with his glove with a Neo-like dodge. The Doc showed much more interest in this man’s wrist than he did with Cam’s couilles. With everyone ok to continue, SDS and Cam toyed with the batters with their offies and moon balls (this isn’t a reference to Cam’s couilles, I wouldn’t lower myself to that). Cam took a superb caught & bowled to complement a fine fielding performance in the deep. BFD needed to up the run rate but foolishly took on Nash at mid-off for a single and had their stumps shattered by a brilliant pick up and throw. With one batter set and hell-bent on victory it was time for Monsieur Fresh to enter at 11. But once again it was spin that worked wonders as The Doc JG got one to rag off the surface, bowling Fresh round his legs as he tried to sweep the béchamel out of the ball.

A dominant win was celebrated at Odd Down’s famous French drinkery, Le Lion Rouge, with absinthes all round.

Vs Stella Select @ Hampset CC, 27th June

Sloths arrived at gusty Hampset in full festival mood. Brand new Sloth Eddie and dab-hand Gorgeous George brought the boyish enthusiasm and a brace of fresh-faced Friths brought some cricketing prowess. Captain Fresh thought, “Hmm how could I best harness this prowess? Ah yes. Sibling rivalry. Let’s pit these two nice brothers against each other, hopefully generate some ill feeling and thus they will channel their anger and resentment towards short-term cricketing greatness”. Or something along those lines, probably. By the end of the night it would be determined who was the better Frith. Secret bets were taken.

Fresh then went and lost the toss but Stellas fancied a bat, a bemused but happy Fresh lead Sloths onto the field as the wind picked up. Porridge foolishly mentioned, out loud, that he’d “done alright bowling in the nets the other night” and so was immediately promoted to open the bowling. TooGoodNash chuckled at this decision and so was told to open from the other end. Hearing Glastonbury on the wind, Porridge chose to have the tunes at his back and, with his fourth ball, rattled the middle stump of a teenager. Nash kept it tidy into the wind, throwing in a dramatic pause midway through his run-up and some of us thought he’d forgotten where he was. Eldest Frith Sam / Bob Willis whisked in and regularly beat the bat with wild swing. Eddie opened his bowling career with tidy dibblers and Twinkle-Toes Bonder was nimble behind the stumps, swiftly gathering anything down leg (which was, admittedly, downhill for him). Stellas struggled to get it off the square and then two run outs in quick succession put Sloths on top. George gathered in a throw from Nash (probably), whipped off the bails, looked longingly towards the backpedalling umpire and exclaimed “Out…? …Wasn’t it?”. How could anyone turn down such puppy dog eyes? More accurate and swinging bowling, coupled with a moment of teenage exuberance, blew away the Stella tail as stumps were toppled time and again. Harry took the Frith Bowling prize with two scalps, George bulldozed his way through a defensive stroke, Fresh nipped a couple off the seam to beat forward prods but Lawrie fancied a different approach. Somehow finding bounce back of the length, he had the batter in all sorts of trouble fending it off his body and gloving it to gully. An all round excellent Sloth fielding performance couldn’t be complete though without a dash of village-esque cricket that this reporter would be amiss to forget. Eddie on his debut, eyes fixed on the ball, clattering into a poised and stationary Harry, ready at midwicket to catch a skier. We adults can’t be letting these talented teens get too comfortable now.

With 90 to chase, Fresh enacted the Final Frith Duel and sent them out to open with explicit instructions to not be the worst Frith. Harry got off to a flyer, nearly taking out the scorers with a glorious six before peppering the short boundaries with fours. Sam had a more methodical opening spell, steering ones into gaps and keeping the scoreboard ticking along. Harry’s eyes widened at a grenade of a delivery, again he charged down to send it over the pavilion, but alas, a top edge had him caught acrobatically and he began his anxious wait to see if his 23 would crown him First Frith. Seeing a sibling sent packing, Sam upped the ante, sending two poor balls to the boundary in succession to put him within a score of the young Frith. But ah, how cricket cruel be, in an attempt to dispatch another delivery to the boundary, Sam swung all around a straight one and heard the death rattle. But had he already done enough? The book said 22 and left Sam ruing his big swing. Matt “Can’t-Bat” Cox came in at 3 and now needs a new nickname as the bowlers will all testify that the man can bat – including one soaring six over the longest boundary. Frankie Knuckles shadow batted his way to the crease with cover drives on his mind and, like an Ian Bell apparition, he duly stroked two boundaries down the hill with aesthetic aplomb. Not to be outdone, Bonder came in at 5 and won the game with a scoop! Sensing the field creeping in, Bonder went aerial over the leg slip and ran a magnificent one with bat raised.

Vs Bathford @ KES, 21st May 2024

Are you someone who thinks that 11 Sloths just isn’t enough for a game of cricket? Well, you would have been in luck this week as 15 appeared! Yes, 15. You also probably need therapy.

Bathford were the fortunate bunch to get 4 of our favourite Sloths added to their lineup on a drizzly Bathampton evening. As the extended-gaggle of Sloths stood chatting and gazing across the drizzly landscape, it was almost as if nobody thought a game of cricket was supposed to happen. Then the Bathford players emerged from the changing rooms looking like an actual team and Sloths were jolted into action.

BathfordSloth were to bat first amid the gloom, with last-minute young gun Archie opening the bowling down the hill, swinging the pink ball dangerously. Lodgey continued his miserly streak up the hill but without his trademark early Mankad warning. After bowling absolute wheels last week, Dan D’s first ball was a horrid half tracker that was skied and gobbled up by Fresh at mid-off. Bad balls get wickets, they say. The rest of his bowling was much better and, subsequently, went for lots of runs. Bathford batters set into a nice rhythm, rotating the strike nicely but never quite exploding. Fresh made the breakthrough with a beaut of an in-ducker, that he immediately said was intentional, and by the look of surprise on his face, we believed him. Jimmer worked his magic with his first ball, on that famous line and length to gently disturb the stumps. Cue the entry of some familiar faces, the newly-converted BathfordSloths TooGoodNash and RacingRiccayyy strode in through the drizzle. Keen to take the Sloth bowling downtown, they lined up with aggression in their eyes and duly delivered. Although, Riccay fell into the timeless SDS trap, trying to smack the lacquer off a dipping delivery and was caught behind. Meanwhile, Nash knocked The Gas Man off his length and so forced him to turn his aggression onto an ungrateful Colonel Mustard. The rain was really coming down now as multiple Sloths slipped around the boundary edge. BenOfTheYard was learning to time his slides perfectly after horizontally shooting past a few fence-bound fours. Another BathfordSloth, Lazarus, arrived at the crease to jeers of “everyone in the V!” and “he’s only got a cover drive!”. He obliged, of course, to cover drive his first ball and then shocked all and sundry with a well-struck pull for six, that well-struck a branch out of a tree and then continued on to well-strike the windscreen of a taxi. A concerned silence flooded the field as players went to inspect the damage and so did a very casual taxi driver. Seemingly undeterred by this new threat to his livelihood, the driver nodded at the dent and walked back to the pavilion. The owner of the car next to his had other thoughts though and, sensibly, moved his car, but then parked at cow corner. Lazarus licked his destructive lips. Nick HRP decided off his first ball to try and hit this new target, but by using his bat. Porridge shamefully whipped off the bails, as the bat-less Nick just stared at his empty, slippery hands with the bat finally landing somewhere near mid-on. 146 runs scored and has anybody noticed that it’s raining quite a lot now?

To chase down this imposing total, Porridge and Lodge were sent out to open (average strike-rate stats thankfully ignored) and found conditions tough. The ball skidded off the wicket but still with enough bounce to cause problems. Porridge, evoking the spirit of Duckett, swung for every ball outside off and, skillfully, used his edge to regularly score through third man. Lazarus was gee’d up facing a familiar foe and was back to his bowling best, just don’t tell him his figures won’t be added to the book as they were for Bathford. Don’t tell him. Lodgey went aerial to up the scoring rate and was caught, bringing in GoodWill, who definitely did up the rate with some trademark strikes. HRP bowled with added zest, beating Jimmer for pace and downing him with a strike to the box. I think Jimmer spends most of his games on the floor regardless. He recovered well and alongside Fresh they both reached 25, surviving some accurate bowling and running well. With the rain still raining, it really did just keep raining, and brows becoming more furrowed, it was down to Dan D and YardBen to get Sloths over the line and beat the weather. Some agile running was getting them closer to the target, but then in the 17th over wise heads intervened and the game was abandoned. Dan D was locked in to the chase and refused to leave the crease as all other players ran for cover in the direction of the pavilion, at least they thought it was that way in the gloom, and hands were shaken.

But had Sloths done enough to preserve their mid-week, unbeaten streak? Chasing 147 to win, after 17 overs they were 123-3 and therefore the Duckworth-Lewis calculation has them winning by 12 runs. Not that that matters of course.