A Sloth tour traditionally comprises two or three nights of drunken debauchery, coupled with a brace of hung-over cricketing encounters. This year, however, things were taken to a whole new level. With five days’ partying and just one fixture, the Pilton tour of 2019 seemed far more representative of true Slothdom. And what a feast of sporting excellence it turned out to be.

Having located the game as close as humanly possible to D’Pipe’s place of work (the circus tent), it was no surprise to find him absent from proceedings. Sloth Howard also needs to take a hard look at his priorities. He deemed it more important to document the collective efforts of a thousand hippies bringing attention to the plight of our planet than attend an important cricket fixture. A disciplinary hearing was later held in the backstage Theatre & Circus area. He was found not guilty on the grounds he was able to secure after-hours drinks for the chairman of the panel. Notley was also Notpresent, presumed comatose in a ditch somewhere.

But, despite these notable omissions, a star-studded line-up was fielded. This included our overseas professional, Matt Cawley. It was the same old Matt we know and love, only sporting a Brazilian and a little camper (his girlfriend and accommodation, do pay attention). Ironically, Matt appeared the least stoned we’ve seen him for years – but it was only Thursday afternoon.

SDS was captain-elect for the proceedings. Similarly in a state of near-sobriety rarely seen at Pilton, he even provided the stumps and a suitably crowd-friendly ball. Luc Horcrux was keyed up and raring to go, like a Stumpchat on amphetamine. He brought along Ringer Gio, who took up photographic duties in Ant’s absence. Madeye made the effort of appearing in semi-whites (and rather fetching rainbow shades). And that’s about it for the regular Sloths.

However, an ever-changing cast of characters made up the numbers, from be-kilted men to be-glittered ladies. The former, upholding the commando tradition, ensured that the Sloth no no-balls rule was enforced. There was even a fine stint from Ben Stokes. At first, we thought it was just a look-alike. But then he pulled off the most improbable catch – a virtual carbon copy of his recent spectacle at the World Cup. So, it must have been him.

Talking of catches, blimey were they in abundance. Madeye and Cawley both held-on to wayward strikes on the run. Luc conjured, out of nowhere, an astonishing one-handed tumbling take at backward square leg that made Stokes’ effort look quite ordinary. He also concerned himself with ensuring no young children were maimed, fending-off over-zealous shots in the direction of the burgeoning spectators. And SDS, ‘fielding’ at mid-on, nonchalantly caught the ball with one hand, whilst simultaneously photographing the event with his phone in the other.

In truth, some of the crowd may have been gathered on the boundary to take advantage of shade from the circus tent. Others may have been watching the neighbouring (sometimes enveloping) giant football match. But the exuberant stroke play, fielding acrobatics and frankly dangerous bowling did not go unnoticed by the captive onlookers.

In the end, it was hard to say who scored what, for whom and why. In truth, cricket won on the day. And if a Glastonbury-worthy finish was ever needed, Cawley delivered in style. Hooking a beamer for six, he not only cleared the boundary but also the perimeter fence. Straight into the backstage circus area. Gamely heading off to retrieve the ball, Matt was swiftly set upon by security. We think he may still be there. Or perhaps he was deported back to Brazil. Never mind, it was lovely to see him again, if only briefly.

With Cawley incarcerated and the ball missing, stumps were taken. Or, rather they weren’t. It was decided to leave them in situ as a fitting tribute to our dearly-departed ex-Sloth Matt. May he rest in Pilton.

Michael Eavis; Festivals Correspondent; Slothful Times