Bathampton vs Bear Flat Dads – Bathampton Cricket Club

Thursday, GlassHouse pitch, Combe Down side of Bath 6pm, 10 Bear Flat Dads and 3 Sloths. Admittedly one of the Bear Flat Dad’s must have set a paternity record being only 12 but who am I to judge?

As Sloths slowly emerged it looked like we’d have nearly a full team. Borrowing a few BFD’s for fielders until the slacker Sloths made it. Nelson even found the correct ground. Fresh brought along Laurie, who at 9, I believe sets another record as youngest Sloth to play for Bathampton in a full game.

Johnny Fresh was elected captain and having lost the toss took to the field. Howard (4 for 2) opened the bowling with three crap deliveries, severely testing the fielders who managed well, before he found a good ball dispatching their opener. Liam Heeden (8 for 0) opened from the other end and kept it tight. Howard finished his two taking the 12-year-old dad with a simple caught and bowled. Luc Golden Horcux-i-locks (8 for 2) then continued the pressure taking a couple more wickts for only eight runs. El Capitano (8 for 0) himself partnering with a tight two. Lodge (3 for 0!) with buddy Adrian (12 for 1). Dan (10 for 1) and young Laurie (10 for 0) bowled well before Freshmeat (4 for 2) and Stump chat (3 for 0!) put the lid on it – though to be fair BFD were down to their last wickets.

A look at the score book adds further confusion as we seem to be missing a wicket and though the bowling figures were good, extras must have been large as their total came to 86. Which if the scorer is to be trusted must have been 20 byes? As wides would have shown in the bowling figures. If this is the case – shame on you Stu. Can you try harder next time?

It has to be said Captain Fresh, seemed to have done well. Being the only Sloth captain to actually place fielders does help and either by luck or dark magic, Fresh’s placements proved canny and often correct.

As with all things Sloth however, it is and never will be, that simple. Fresh decided to reverse the batting order to spice things up. Opening with Dan and Liam, with Howard and Goldi-Luc-ing Horcux in the wings.

Good bowling does what it does and in no time at all Liam found himself partnering with Adrian (our number five). It was in the ninth over that the Sloth hit their first boundary (Adrain nice drive for a 4) taking the score to a pitiful 32! Chasing a remarkably low total the Sloths seemed to be doing their best not to snatch a defeat from jaws of victory, they seemed determined to drag defeat from the bowls of victory, and drag it very very slowly.

Twas then that Fresh, with anus constricting, brought out the bug guns. Stump chat padded up. Russ was recalled from umpire duty. Lodge and Fresh padded too. Young Laurie, who had been promised a bat by his dad, was without much explanation dropped down the order. To bring on a 9 year old at such a critical moment would have proved too much and Jonny’s anus certainly couldn’t take further constriction.

Again Fresh’s captaincy proved perfect – with Stump chat blasting a quick 26 off 18. Having punted defeat back down the bowls and with anus restoring to normal dimensions, Fresh decided he would risk the young Laurie. Who took to the crease. The brave lad stood little higher than the stumps. A full toss hitting mid way up the wicket would, by the laws of the game be a no ball! Laurie did well and survived the over but failed to score (his bat was about a third the size of his dads, WTF do you expect?!!). Fresh, with anus now resuming it’s constriction than pulled off his son. It was disgusting to watch, sloths objected to the abuse but Fresh seemed oblivious. Having captained so well in every aspect, had his inability to allow us to extract a decent defeat driven him insane? Was this some paternal “watch how its done son”? A young, deject Laurie could only watch through, eye’s now welling with the tears of rejection. His father not there to comfort him but rather taking to field to show him how to do it, or not as he was bowled rather karmically in three balls, scoring just two.

In an effort to right the wrong the Sloth pack then collectively decided to re-instate the young Laurie. An argument was made that having been retired he couldn’t return. This was countered however, by the fact that he had in fact, retired hurt (hurt feelings) and now feeling much better, wanted another knock. Partnering up with Bonder the two sloths decided to make a game of it. Scoring at almost a run per over the last five overs saw Fresh’s anus re-constrict so painfully that he was now reduced to running in ever decreasing circles, pitch side like a demented headless chicken. Laurie was eventually run out in the penultimate over, having scored a couple (the same as his father now called “Captain Abraham Meat”). Russ went out to finish the job. With darkening clouds approaching the last over proved as dramatic an ending to a game as ever.

Off the pitch the young “Issac” Laurie and “Abraham” Fresh seemed to be locked in a Jedi “I am your father Luke” / “fuck off you cunt” sort of thing (though he’s far too young and nice to vocalise as such – we are all fairly certain he thought it). At the crease Bonder refused to score. Russ too, only managed a single. The scorers became locked in debate over totals and eventually to settle the match Dan O, as umpire decided enough was enough and that if we couldn’t win by bat or ball then a wide would do the job, last ball of the match as well, nice one Dan. Defeat had dribbled back down the esophagus of victory by the smallest margin.

Man of the match? Too many candidates; Stump Chat, the scorer, the umpire, the captain? Lad of the match, there’s no doubt. Hats off to young Laurie for doing so well and those not applauding the braveness and his ability must surely sympathise with his having to put up with such paternal abuse. Nice one Fresh, don’t simply sacrifice the lad. Tease him a bit and then pull him off, even Abraham didn’t go that far…

Questions:

Did Fresh’s anal constriction save him? Or did Laurie manage to shove his but up (it was a very small bat)?
Do we have anyone basic math ability able to score?
Does Dan know what those blue lines near the crease mean?
Can match reports ever attain a quadruple negative?

For the past two weeks, the skies over Bathampton have cried tears of despair, preventing Slothful activity of any significance. But yesterday the KES forum was bathed in rays of sunshine, creating a glimmer of hope that normality may somehow be restored. Conditions were thus conducive to lively debate as the BS party faithful convened in an attempt to thwart a hostile takeover bid by the far-right BFD.

Campaigning got underway with a heartening lack of negative tactics, BFD looking to score points from every exchange. Young activist Danny O, however, found holes in their argument, flooring two of their opening speakers with erudition and aided by the quick-witted intervention of Hewston on the back benches. BFD continually tried to press-home their points but Sloths presented a unified front under the firm coalition leadership of Longman and Bond.

Light relief was provided by Chairman Franks, launching a Dennis-Skinner-like barrage, one moment frivolous, the next incisive – bamboozling the opposition into acquiescence and providing his own side with both amusement and celebration. Questions were also posed by elder-statesmen Bond Senior and Norman –St.John-Dalley-Smith, to which the BFD membership had no real answers. Constantly probed by Secretary for Defence Stu ‘the line is mine’ Nelson, BFD became agitated and revealed a lack of any meaningful plan. By the recess, opinion polls showed them to have scored poorly and optimism was abroad that BS would be able to hold firm.

From the front benches, Longman led by example – eloquently driving home his points before making room for wider debate. There was a minor revolt as Ant ‘no-relation’ Howard performed a Johnsonesque switch of allegiance, having originally claimed to want no part in the proceedings. However, his contribution made little impact on the overall outcome and his rhetoric was all but swept aside by the lower-order BS rank and file.

Some younger party members were defeated by their own arguments; both Bond Junior and Lewis-The-Younger being ejected from the chamber after taking ill-advised swipes at the opposition. Nelson, however, was straight-talking as ever and paved the way for BS to win the day with irrefutable logic and a couple of hefty late blows from ‘Lefty’ Hewes. BS’s bid to remain as the incumbent party indeed held firm and they ended the day with a clear majority.

Questions were later asked in the second chamber: what has happened to the honourable member for Trumpton North, Lewis-The-Elder? And on the subject of members (honourable or otherwise), where has The (incessant) Speaker KTP been putting his? And can the absence of these two be related? Will the long-awaited Frith-off finally take place this weekend and, if so, will any outcome need to be ratified by a meeting of the Synod? Sloths’ political and legal advisors will be working feverishly behind the scenes to provide a full report as quickly as possible: apparently a Mr Chilcot is heading the investigations, so no doubt a conclusion will be reached very soon.

Nick Robinson, Political Editor, Slothful Times
(match photography courtesy of Slotherazzi)