Sloths vs Winsley @ Winsley CC, 13th May 2026

Into the second week of May we stride, and the Sloths face a hefty 3 fixtures in one week, with two on consecutive nights! A (currently) thriving squad of Sloths meant that there were 9 players playing on Wednesday who didn’t play the night before, an impressive feat!

Slotherly by nature, the toss being won by StumpChat, the only sane option was to bat. With Qayoom & Captain Carling opening the charge, showing a combination of power hitting and silky stroke play saw them both retire. A highlight was Qayoom sending some massive sixes out of the ground whilst wearing a Winsley top, without any hint of irony. Alongside this, Jimmy calmly compiled an innings giving himself the time he needed without his pre-match burger and 2 pints. 

Good Will was getting pinned down by some accurate bowling, and then fully climbed into a length delivery and sent it for an almighty six over a huge tree, the silence felt even more silent after the thwack from his bat as we all watched it disappear into the distance. After  then telling himself to be “THE Good Will” and not get himself out bowled, he was duly bowled. But fair play it was a real nut. Kirsty comes out and tells himself to make sure he sees off his first ball by getting on the front foot and defending because he knows the location location location it’ll land. Immediately he was then bowled, by not going backwards or forwards, to a swinging beaut of a ball. Out came Ish with an adult sized bat (what was he thinking) to deny the young Winsley bowler his hat trick glory (was it a sign of things to come?). True to his batting style (swinging from the hip) he sent his 2nd ball high into the WiItshire sky to hit a ridge tile on the clubhouse. His giddyness was his downfall, holding out to long on going big again. I blame the fullsized bat, stick to the Harrows I say. 

HRP strutted into bat and declared “hammy is a bit tight, I’ll need to warm up running”, but was confusingly VERY keen to take a single after dropping it 3 foot from the bowler. Umpire Porridge had to remind him “this isn’t indoor”. Stump at the other end by now, clearly lacking batting practice, relied on his winter fitness conditioning to force HRP and Qadeem to run 2s by default. The young Qadeem was struggling to keep his box in place, but begrudgingly obliged whilst what appeared to be a gesture of grabbing his nuts and shouting “it’s too big”. We’ve all got problems and this correspondent wouldn’t mind that one. The youth of today (grumble, grumble, grumble).

All in all 150 runs amassed over 18 overs. A solid return. 

A fast turn around brought the dynamic duo of Qayoom & Ish to open up. Pace and a straight line had the batters digging balls off their toes. Ish found his 5th stump line and drew the batter into a wafty drive, kissing the edge much to his confusion. Like Manchester United fans circa 2017, DD shouted “attack, attack, attack” throwing Qadeem onto bowl. Seeing the batters out of their crease trying to negate his skiddy bounce, StumpChat decided a dark Wiltshire evening was an appropriate time to stand up. The stumping chance came but he took the bails before catching the ball WHOOPSIE DOOPSIE. Less “shabas” more “shit bastard”. It’s the trying that counts. 

Good Will was the counter balance from the other end (well the same end as its early-season rules but I haven’t got a better term for it) throwing down niggly length balls propelled by his towering biceps. The batters feeling stuck made the mistake of having a desperate swing and sent it directly to Gorgeous George at mid-off, taking the catch despite not seeing the ball for 80% of its journey. 

Jimmy lobed up his loopy leggies and after a few looseners got a gem above the eye line, the batter saw total glory in front of him, sprinted down the track to try and plant the ball out of the ground, but missed the ball and StumpChat (this time) managed to catch the ball first before gleefully taking the bails. The real tale of Jimmy’s fielding innings was his catch. At mid-wicket the ball was thumped at him over his head. Captain Carling became more Captain Birdseye, leaping into the year and extending his right hand to take the ball behind him and also survive thumping into the ground. Then announcing “I did not know my body could still do that”.

DD continued with his aggressive field, decreeing “let’s force him to play through us”, as the batter then immediately played through us. Despite hobbling around with one functioning hamstring (why were Sloth hamstrings going?) Qadeem took every opportunity to hurl the ball in at full youthful pelt, sending grown men cowering as it cannoned towards the stumps.

With the top order gone, Porridge’s name was called. Off three steps he produced 3 wickets in 4 balls. Bowled, caught and another bowled swinging in to take leg stump. The less said about the actual hatrick ball the better. We needed a name for this feat as 3 in 4 balls is no joke. The debate ensued;  “half hat trick”, “your mummy loves you hatrick” and “shitcunt hat trick” were the favourites on the evening but please send in your better suggestions. 

Having taken 9 wickets the Winsley retiree wasn’t ready to return so we gave the No.11 a go since he hadn’t faced a ball. Spirit of Sloth was strong, as was the 64 run winning margin. Contributions were made all round and sweet, sweet victory rained supreme. Winsley were great hosts, really getting the idea that it’s about playing to win but not at the expense of having fun.

It leaves me to ponder;

• If the fear to create an accurate book to avoid Ant’s wrath causes sloths to pour Pepsi on the book, should Ant chill out about shitty score books?
• Who can leap higher; Jimmy Carling or Micheal Jordan carrying a three-clawed Sloth?
• If the sloths can win by over 50 runs on a heavy rolled pitch, or one that’s never seen a roller, what should the oppo do to create unfavourite conditions to this rambling collection of sleepy mammals? 
• Sloths 4 games in are undefeated they make it five from five?

Yours slotherly,

7 Fingered Sloth, Special Reporter