Category: 2026

The Day Jimmy Leapt Like A Salmon

Sloths vs Winsley @ Winsley CC, 13th May 2026

Into the second week of May we stride, and the Sloths face a hefty 3 fixtures in one week, with two on consecutive nights! A (currently) thriving squad of Sloths meant that there were 9 players playing on Wednesday who didn’t play the night before, an impressive feat!

Slotherly by nature, the toss being won by StumpChat, the only sane option was to bat. With Qayoom & Captain Carling opening the charge, showing a combination of power hitting and silky stroke play saw them both retire. A highlight was Qayoom sending some massive sixes out of the ground whilst wearing a Winsley top, without any hint of irony. Alongside this, Jimmy calmly compiled an innings giving himself the time he needed without his pre-match burger and 2 pints. 

Good Will was getting pinned down by some accurate bowling, and then fully climbed into a length delivery and sent it for an almighty six over a huge tree, the silence felt even more silent after the thwack from his bat as we all watched it disappear into the distance. After  then telling himself to be “THE Good Will” and not get himself out bowled, he was duly bowled. But fair play it was a real nut. Kirsty comes out and tells himself to make sure he sees off his first ball by getting on the front foot and defending because he knows the location location location it’ll land. Immediately he was then bowled, by not going backwards or forwards, to a swinging beaut of a ball. Out came Ish with an adult sized bat (what was he thinking) to deny the young Winsley bowler his hat trick glory (was it a sign of things to come?). True to his batting style (swinging from the hip) he sent his 2nd ball high into the WiItshire sky to hit a ridge tile on the clubhouse. His giddyness was his downfall, holding out to long on going big again. I blame the fullsized bat, stick to the Harrows I say. 

HRP strutted into bat and declared “hammy is a bit tight, I’ll need to warm up running”, but was confusingly VERY keen to take a single after dropping it 3 foot from the bowler. Umpire Porridge had to remind him “this isn’t indoor”. Stump at the other end by now, clearly lacking batting practice, relied on his winter fitness conditioning to force HRP and Qadeem to run 2s by default. The young Qadeem was struggling to keep his box in place, but begrudgingly obliged whilst what appeared to be a gesture of grabbing his nuts and shouting “it’s too big”. We’ve all got problems and this correspondent wouldn’t mind that one. The youth of today (grumble, grumble, grumble).

All in all 150 runs amassed over 18 overs. A solid return. 

A fast turn around brought the dynamic duo of Qayoom & Ish to open up. Pace and a straight line had the batters digging balls off their toes. Ish found his 5th stump line and drew the batter into a wafty drive, kissing the edge much to his confusion. Like Manchester United fans circa 2017, DD shouted “attack, attack, attack” throwing Qadeem onto bowl. Seeing the batters out of their crease trying to negate his skiddy bounce, StumpChat decided a dark Wiltshire evening was an appropriate time to stand up. The stumping chance came but he took the bails before catching the ball WHOOPSIE DOOPSIE. Less “shabas” more “shit bastard”. It’s the trying that counts. 

Good Will was the counter balance from the other end (well the same end as its early-season rules but I haven’t got a better term for it) throwing down niggly length balls propelled by his towering biceps. The batters feeling stuck made the mistake of having a desperate swing and sent it directly to Gorgeous George at mid-off, taking the catch despite not seeing the ball for 80% of its journey. 

Jimmy lobed up his loopy leggies and after a few looseners got a gem above the eye line, the batter saw total glory in front of him, sprinted down the track to try and plant the ball out of the ground, but missed the ball and StumpChat (this time) managed to catch the ball first before gleefully taking the bails. The real tale of Jimmy’s fielding innings was his catch. At mid-wicket the ball was thumped at him over his head. Captain Carling became more Captain Birdseye, leaping into the year and extending his right hand to take the ball behind him and also survive thumping into the ground. Then announcing “I did not know my body could still do that”.

DD continued with his aggressive field, decreeing “let’s force him to play through us”, as the batter then immediately played through us. Despite hobbling around with one functioning hamstring (why were Sloth hamstrings going?) Qadeem took every opportunity to hurl the ball in at full youthful pelt, sending grown men cowering as it cannoned towards the stumps.

With the top order gone, Porridge’s name was called. Off three steps he produced 3 wickets in 4 balls. Bowled, caught and another bowled swinging in to take leg stump. The less said about the actual hatrick ball the better. We needed a name for this feat as 3 in 4 balls is no joke. The debate ensued;  “half hat trick”, “your mummy loves you hatrick” and “shitcunt hat trick” were the favourites on the evening but please send in your better suggestions. 

Having taken 9 wickets the Winsley retiree wasn’t ready to return so we gave the No.11 a go since he hadn’t faced a ball. Spirit of Sloth was strong, as was the 64 run winning margin. Contributions were made all round and sweet, sweet victory rained supreme. Winsley were great hosts, really getting the idea that it’s about playing to win but not at the expense of having fun.

It leaves me to ponder;

  • If the fear to create an accurate book to avoid Ant’s wrath causes sloths to pour Pepsi on the book, should Ant chill out about shitty score books?
  • Who can leap higher; Jimmy Carling or Micheal Jordan carrying a three-clawed Sloth?
  • If the sloths can win by over 50 runs on a heavy rolled pitch, or one that’s never seen a roller, what should the oppo do to create unfavourite conditions to this rambling collection of sleepy mammals? 
  • Sloths 4 games in are undefeated they make it five from five?

Yours slotherly,

7 Fingered Sloth, Special Reporter

The Bells of Brent

vs The Offsiders @ KES Playing Fields, Bathampton, 5th May 2026

The Sloths returned to Fortress Bathampton for the beginning of the 2026 season in sprightly fashion. A plethora of Sloths arrived on time, vastly outnumbering The Offsiders, and thus it was wisely declared that the Sloths take the field. Lazarus readily gloved up and The Colonel ran a fielding drill, which (don’t worry reader) quickly descended into him berating the Sloths for their lack of discipline within said drill. Once the Sloths finally got into the rhythm of the tricky “it’s just logical really” drill, enough Offsiders had turned up for them to field, and so for some unknown reason Fresh then decided the Sloths would have a bat, poor Lazurus having to de-glove. The old switcheroo ay Johnny, that’ll keep ‘em guessing!

There was a contrast of styles opening the batting as The Doc stroked the ball through point and balletically lifted over the covers, while Ish swung hard and, often, missed the ball. Bad Will got a rare good pill that clattered his middle stump, while Gorgeous mopped up the short stuff to the exceptionally short leg-side boundary. However, a lush outfield on the off-side agonisingly held the ball up repeatedly on the rope and resulted in much frowned-upon running between the wickets. One can only imagine the jealousy of already-out Bad Will at this point, who hadn’t gone for a run in at least half an hour and was starting to get twitchy. To make himself feel better, as umpire he gave Fresh run out even though he was standing basically next to him. Porridge and Laz scuttled some quick runs, with Porridge going for broke off the last ball of the innings and chipping a catch to mid-wicket. Only to then find out there were two more deliveries left.

Sloths entered the field buoyant, setting a healthy target of who-knows-what off 18 overs, and skipping into their fielding positions as the church bells rang across the field. Oh what a sound! How gallant! How… long do you think they’ll go on for? Oh wow they really aren’t stopping. Wait, can anyone else still hear those bells or is it just me?

To this incessant soundtrack Sloths bowled beautifully, with Ish sending down a cracker to hit top of off and Bad Will, atoning somewhat for his golden duck, by taking a wicket with his very first ball. Just don’t mention how well The Colonel bowled for no wickets whatsoever, nobody mention it, ok. Porridge actually took a wicket maiden on his first time bowling in a few years so probably don’t mention that to him either. The Offsiders’ reply didn’t really get going, with the main reason being that wherever they hit the ball, there was Brent to deliver a fielding masterclass. A slog down to long on? There was Brent thundering in from the boundary. A cut to point? A diving Brent to stop the run. Surely he’s not at square leg too? You bet your chilly bin he is! At the end of the night, it became customary for everyone to sign off with “well played Brent” before heading home. Ant bowled the 14th over and the 18th over, as Captain Fresh appeared to forget him immediately after he bowled his first over of tweakers. Lazarus was liquid behind the stumps, receiving many plaudits, and calls of “where has this guy been?!”, “it’s nice to have a keeper who can actually catch”, before then missing a dolly of a run out chance. Ah cricket, the great leveller!

Ending in a dominant victory, the giddy Sloths then chinned lukewarm cans of varying sizes (yet all charged at the same price) and gushed at the joys of the cricket seasons’ return.

The talented Rick revealed he has created some kind of autonomous AI bot that will churn the Sloth batting and bowling figures from the scorebook and create a stats-database for all and sundry to delve into, all a Sloth had to do was take a photo of the scorebook for the process to work…

How should hibernation end? St Johns vs The Sloths.

Hibernation ended.

Normally, that means a 10°C evening on the Odd Down astro. This year, however, the Sloths who managed to wake before May congregated at the old Stothert & Pitt Ground.

Having passed the ground on Monday, it was clear the square was longer than the outfield by a good 50%. While the grass had technically been cut, this strip had clearly never seen a roller. Cue pea rollers and a trampoline bounce with more variation than a Bitcoin price chart.

Eight Sloths arrived on time. No scorebook. The opposition didn’t have a scorebook either, nor keeping gloves. Four more Sloths drifted in by 6:20pm. Operations normal. I’d like to comment on the cricket rather than this administrative waffle, but without a book it is difficult to remember much with certainty.

What I do recall is Captain Carling facing three balls: a glorious on-drive, a crisp cut for four, and then out. Having completed his duties, he promptly declared he could do with going home, so Shiraz stepped up to the plate. This is what happens when you don’t have 2 pints and a burger Jimmy.

Runs were largely scored through a simple but effective method: getting to the pitch of the ball and dispatching it square. Veal estimated the Sloths struck around 12 sixes, though independent verification remains impossible given the absent scorebook. Good Will, naturally, launched one into the trees, never to be seen again. Dan Darwin grafted his way to twenty-odd, displaying the discipline he no doubt instils in his pupils. HRP had clearly awoken early from hibernation, swashbuckling his way to a thoroughly deserved retirement. Some other runs were also scored.

A notable incident of “Spirit of Cricket” arrived early when Stumpchat received a true pea roller second ball. While standing there, staring at the pitch and inwardly wondering why he had ever left the damp wickets of Yorkshire, the St John’s Cricket Club bowler called him back. What a man. Top bloke, Henry Gibbons. The gesture was warmly acknowledged by Stumpchat depositing the very next ball into the farmyard for six. Oops.

Details are hazy, but everyone chipped in to build a highly respectable 150-odd from 18 overs on a pitch containing more landmines and submarines than D-Day.

A speedy turnaround followed, and youth opened the attack. Despite wise counsel from Th Gasman and Double-D not to bowl pace, they did anyway. Teenagers. In fairness, after Veal delivered one quicker ball that popped like it was hot, he sensibly reverted to his newly found brand of devious spin. Qayom appeared to have visited the gym over winter. From a five-pace run-up he was fizzing the ball through and was the only bowler to discover reliable bounce all evening. One full, straight delivery clattered into the stumps to remove the St John’s Cricket Club star batter.

Most Sloth bowlers claimed a wicket. Exactly how they fell is, frankly, impossible to say. Catches were held for at least four, two were stumped, and perhaps two were bowled. Sorry, Ant thats about as good as your going to get.

One catch probs needs mentioning. A fine length ball was jabbed at from off the pads and looped invitingly into the air in the middle of the pitch.

HRP, no doubt wishing at that moment he had followed through a bit more, knew he was unlikely to arrive in time. Stump decided the winter fitness work needed testing. Or was it simply that HRP had promised him one of his cookies if he caught it? Drawn like a fly to muck, he charged in and scooped the ball off the turf.

Victory was sealed in the gloom, with St John’s Cricket Club reaching 108, leaving them 54 short. A match played in tremendous spirit, with everyone involved finding the wicket utterly hilarious.

Questions left behind

  1. Cold Odd Down astro or minefield track for the opening match; could Steve Smith hack either?
  2. How many hours will Bonder give Sloths who have not paid their £7 before knocking on their door?
  3. If four victims are taken but the book records none of them, did they ever happen?
  4. If the moon is easier to see than the ball should we play next ball wins?
  5. Where the hell is the book? Has Ant used it to create trippy papier-mâché turtles again?

Post-hibernation Stumpchat, reporting from the Bath.