Vs Bear Flat Dads @ Odd Down, 16th July 2024

 

Oh là là!

Sloths stumbled on to Odd Down playing fields with a strong sense of Déjà-vu as not onze Sloths arrived but douze! Fingers were pointed squarely at the two most intellectual and Parisian-chic Sloths for causing such a mishap. The ordre judiciaire d’Sloth sentenced Monsieur Fresh to the guillotine / to bat at number 11 for Bear Flat Dad’s and that monsieur Porridge was to open the batting on a pitch that was as soft as a summer’s eve on la Côte d’Azur.

Brent and Porridge traded singles while adjusting to the sticky conditions. Brent started to get a read of the pitch and beautifully timed a straight drive, unfortunately, straight at the bowler. “Wait on!” was his cry as the bowler successfully grabbed the ball, at village level we must always first assume it will be dropped. Nash came in determined to assert himself and duly swung wildly at his first over, perfectly missing the ball early as it pitched and then moved past him in slow motion. Once his eye was in though, he peppered the in-fielders with drives that they sensibly dodged in self-preservation but resulted in plenty of boundaries. Riccay entered and sensed the leg-side boundary being just a tickle away so he fully committed to hoick it onto the Wellsway and was cleaned bowled. JG The Doc dug in for some hard earned runs as the pitch remained a tricky surface. A fit-fresh-faced Cam strode in and immediately discovered this trickiness taking a ball straight to the couilles. He stumbled to square leg to find some solace, think happy thoughts and take some deep breaths while the actual GP down the other end paid him no attention. He later prescribed Cam a box to prevent such problems in future. BFD had new bowlers and returning bowlers show some promise but also dish out a fair amount of extras as the total mounted up. Le Sloth adolescents Archie and Laurie built a sturdy looking partnership full of well-run singles before BFD accidentally activated their secret weapon, their pièce de résistance if you will, Monsieur Fresh came into bowl against Fresh Jr. Charging down the pitch to clatter his father into Englishcombe, Lawrie spectacularly missed and was narrowly stumped to his great dismay that only a family duel can muster. HRP then swung the baguette to clobber a quick-fire 20 and The Gas Man came in determined to run hard in the final over. Off the final ball of the innings, Archie was stumped off a wide, cleverly bringing in SDS for a slap and dash to set BFD 140 to win.

The BFD openers came out determined to chase with a now sun-filled evening and the pitch drying out. But they had to be watchful to an accurate Lawrie who then entered a full Stuart Broad-esque rage as his slower ball was deemed to be a wide. Huffing and puffing back to his mark, he turned around suddenly two feet taller and unleashed an absolute jaffa that drew the edge through to Porridge. Buoyed by this, HRP took two wickets off his own accurate bowling and BFD were up the Seine without a paddle. Archie further restricted the run rate with late swinging deliveries and then Riccay at the other end shocked himself. We’ve all become accustomed to his trademark run up through the umpire and then slinging around the wicket, however, we all stood agape as he came over the wicket like a normal person, spun the ball and instantly took a wicket. A caught and bowled later in the over and Sloths were all over them like hollandaise over eggs. Porridge, enjoying this new-found spin bowling, came up to the stumps for the second over only to see Riccay return to type and suddenly start winging it as fast as he could. One in-ducker managed to miss both bat and keeper as it whispered sweet French nothings to the bails on its way past. Aggrieved, the batter decided to clobber the next delivery and middled it straight towards the non-striker’s throat who somehow managed to block it with his glove with a Neo-like dodge. The Doc showed much more interest in this man’s wrist than he did with Cam’s couilles. With everyone ok to continue, SDS and Cam toyed with the batters with their offies and moon balls (this isn’t a reference to Cam’s couilles, I wouldn’t lower myself to that). Cam took a superb caught & bowled to complement a fine fielding performance in the deep. BFD needed to up the run rate but foolishly took on Nash at mid-off for a single and had their stumps shattered by a brilliant pick up and throw. With one batter set and hell-bent on victory it was time for Monsieur Fresh to enter at 11. But once again it was spin that worked wonders as The Doc JG got one to rag off the surface, bowling Fresh round his legs as he tried to sweep the béchamel out of the ball.

A dominant win was celebrated at Odd Down’s famous French drinkery, Le Lion Rouge, with absinthes all round.

Vs Stella Select @ Hampset CC, 27th June

 

Sloths arrived at gusty Hampset in full festival mood. Brand new Sloth Eddie and dab-hand Gorgeous George brought the boyish enthusiasm and a brace of fresh-faced Friths brought some cricketing prowess. Captain Fresh thought, “Hmm how could I best harness this prowess? Ah yes. Sibling rivalry. Let’s pit these two nice brothers against each other, hopefully generate some ill feeling and thus they will channel their anger and resentment towards short-term cricketing greatness”. Or something along those lines, probably. By the end of the night it would be determined who was the better Frith. Secret bets were taken.

Fresh then went and lost the toss but Stellas fancied a bat, a bemused but happy Fresh lead Sloths onto the field as the wind picked up. Porridge foolishly mentioned, out loud, that he’d “done alright bowling in the nets the other night” and so was immediately promoted to open the bowling. TooGoodNash chuckled at this decision and so was told to open from the other end. Hearing Glastonbury on the wind, Porridge chose to have the tunes at his back and, with his fourth ball, rattled the middle stump of a teenager. Nash kept it tidy into the wind, throwing in a dramatic pause midway through his run-up and some of us thought he’d forgotten where he was. Eldest Frith Sam / Bob Willis whisked in and regularly beat the bat with wild swing. Eddie opened his bowling career with tidy dibblers and Twinkle-Toes Bonder was nimble behind the stumps, swiftly gathering anything down leg (which was, admittedly, downhill for him). Stellas struggled to get it off the square and then two run outs in quick succession put Sloths on top. George gathered in a throw from Nash (probably), whipped off the bails, looked longingly towards the backpedalling umpire and exclaimed “Out…? …Wasn’t it?”. How could anyone turn down such puppy dog eyes? More accurate and swinging bowling, coupled with a moment of teenage exuberance, blew away the Stella tail as stumps were toppled time and again. Harry took the Frith Bowling prize with two scalps, George bulldozed his way through a defensive stroke, Fresh nipped a couple off the seam to beat forward prods but Lawrie fancied a different approach. Somehow finding bounce back of the length, he had the batter in all sorts of trouble fending it off his body and gloving it to gully. An all round excellent Sloth fielding performance couldn’t be complete though without a dash of village-esque cricket that this reporter would be amiss to forget. Eddie on his debut, eyes fixed on the ball, clattering into a poised and stationary Harry, ready at midwicket to catch a skier. We adults can’t be letting these talented teens get too comfortable now.

With 90 to chase, Fresh enacted the Final Frith Duel and sent them out to open with explicit instructions to not be the worst Frith. Harry got off to a flyer, nearly taking out the scorers with a glorious six before peppering the short boundaries with fours. Sam had a more methodical opening spell, steering ones into gaps and keeping the scoreboard ticking along. Harry’s eyes widened at a grenade of a delivery, again he charged down to send it over the pavilion, but alas, a top edge had him caught acrobatically and he began his anxious wait to see if his 23 would crown him First Frith. Seeing a sibling sent packing, Sam upped the ante, sending two poor balls to the boundary in succession to put him within a score of the young Frith. But ah, how cricket cruel be, in an attempt to dispatch another delivery to the boundary, Sam swung all around a straight one and heard the death rattle. But had he already done enough? The book said 22 and left Sam ruing his big swing. Matt “Can’t-Bat” Cox came in at 3 and now needs a new nickname as the bowlers will all testify that the man can bat – including one soaring six over the longest boundary. Frankie Knuckles shadow batted his way to the crease with cover drives on his mind and, like an Ian Bell apparition, he duly stroked two boundaries down the hill with aesthetic aplomb. Not to be outdone, Bonder came in at 5 and won the game with a scoop! Sensing the field creeping in, Bonder went aerial over the leg slip and ran a magnificent one with bat raised.

Vs Bathford @ KES, 21st May 2024

 

Are you someone who thinks that 11 Sloths just isn’t enough for a game of cricket? Well, you would have been in luck this week as 15 appeared! Yes, 15. You also probably need therapy.

Bathford were the fortunate bunch to get 4 of our favourite Sloths added to their lineup on a drizzly Bathampton evening. As the extended-gaggle of Sloths stood chatting and gazing across the drizzly landscape, it was almost as if nobody thought a game of cricket was supposed to happen. Then the Bathford players emerged from the changing rooms looking like an actual team and Sloths were jolted into action.

BathfordSloth were to bat first amid the gloom, with last-minute young gun Archie opening the bowling down the hill, swinging the pink ball dangerously. Lodgey continued his miserly streak up the hill but without his trademark early Mankad warning. After bowling absolute wheels last week, Dan D’s first ball was a horrid half tracker that was skied and gobbled up by Fresh at mid-off. Bad balls get wickets, they say. The rest of his bowling was much better and, subsequently, went for lots of runs. Bathford batters set into a nice rhythm, rotating the strike nicely but never quite exploding. Fresh made the breakthrough with a beaut of an in-ducker, that he immediately said was intentional, and by the look of surprise on his face, we believed him. Jimmer worked his magic with his first ball, on that famous line and length to gently disturb the stumps. Cue the entry of some familiar faces, the newly-converted BathfordSloths TooGoodNash and RacingRiccayyy strode in through the drizzle. Keen to take the Sloth bowling downtown, they lined up with aggression in their eyes and duly delivered. Although, Riccay fell into the timeless SDS trap, trying to smack the lacquer off a dipping delivery and was caught behind. Meanwhile, Nash knocked The Gas Man off his length and so forced him to turn his aggression onto an ungrateful Colonel Mustard. The rain was really coming down now as multiple Sloths slipped around the boundary edge. BenOfTheYard was learning to time his slides perfectly after horizontally shooting past a few fence-bound fours. Another BathfordSloth, Lazarus, arrived at the crease to jeers of “everyone in the V!” and “he’s only got a cover drive!”. He obliged, of course, to cover drive his first ball and then shocked all and sundry with a well-struck pull for six, that well-struck a branch out of a tree and then continued on to well-strike the windscreen of a taxi. A concerned silence flooded the field as players went to inspect the damage and so did a very casual taxi driver. Seemingly undeterred by this new threat to his livelihood, the driver nodded at the dent and walked back to the pavilion. The owner of the car next to his had other thoughts though and, sensibly, moved his car, but then parked at cow corner. Lazarus licked his destructive lips. Nick HRP decided off his first ball to try and hit this new target, but by using his bat. Porridge shamefully whipped off the bails, as the bat-less Nick just stared at his empty, slippery hands with the bat finally landing somewhere near mid-on. 146 runs scored and has anybody noticed that it’s raining quite a lot now?

To chase down this imposing total, Porridge and Lodge were sent out to open (average strike-rate stats thankfully ignored) and found conditions tough. The ball skidded off the wicket but still with enough bounce to cause problems. Porridge, evoking the spirit of Duckett, swung for every ball outside off and, skillfully, used his edge to regularly score through third man. Lazarus was gee’d up facing a familiar foe and was back to his bowling best, just don’t tell him his figures won’t be added to the book as they were for Bathford. Don’t tell him. Lodgey went aerial to up the scoring rate and was caught, bringing in GoodWill, who definitely did up the rate with some trademark strikes. HRP bowled with added zest, beating Jimmer for pace and downing him with a strike to the box. I think Jimmer spends most of his games on the floor regardless. He recovered well and alongside Fresh they both reached 25, surviving some accurate bowling and running well. With the rain still raining, it really did just keep raining, and brows becoming more furrowed, it was down to Dan D and YardBen to get Sloths over the line and beat the weather. Some agile running was getting them closer to the target, but then in the 17th over wise heads intervened and the game was abandoned. Dan D was locked in to the chase and refused to leave the crease as all other players ran for cover in the direction of the pavilion, at least they thought it was that way in the gloom, and hands were shaken.

But had Sloths done enough to preserve their mid-week, unbeaten streak? Chasing 147 to win, after 17 overs they were 123-3 and therefore the Duckworth-Lewis calculation has them winning by 12 runs. Not that that matters of course.

vs Winsley Elite XI @ Winsley CC, 15th May 2024

 

Captain Bonder does not mess around. This is a competitive man. A man who strives for excellence, total commitment and, above all else, a mid-week win away at Winsley playing a friendly-non-competitive game of cricket for-a-laugh.

Sloths record away at Winsley isn’t pretty where they have to play on a Wednesday. Wednesdays are not traditionally the day of the Sloth and, therefore, it seems to have a strange effect on them. When I say effect, I mean, most of them aren’t available. Up step, Sloths of old! Mike B and Swanny, Sloth heritage claiming to have not played for years but both putting in performances that lead to talk of potential immediate retirement hereafter. 

Winsleys ground looked a picture as Sloths were led on the field by a striding Bonder. The man with a (written down) plan. Too Good Nash was to set the field as Bonder’s cunning bowling plan was enacted. One end pace, one end spin (sounds better than slow). The Winsley batters couldn’t find a rhythm as runs were hard to come by with the ever-bespokely-tinkered field placements and the bowling variety. Ish did decide to help their run rate out towards the end by aggressively chasing a ball along the boundary, reaching it and then skillfully getting his entire body out the way of it for a rare boundary. But we said we wouldn’t mention it. Jimmer found himself perfectly placed at midwicket for a catch that swirled high in the sky as a deafening silence surrounded him. Sloths were all collectively thinking, “I wonder if he’ll still find a way to fall over while catching this on if he doesn’t have to move for it?”. Don’t worry readers, he caught it and still fell, it’s Jimmer. Mike B bowled 3 overs of 5 year-marinated perfect seam-up pace that deserved a wicket and Swanny’s 2 overs for 4 runs were delivered like a Sunil Narine look-a-like. Nash’s arm ball clattered the stumps and Frank put a tricky one down leg, drawing the batter forward as Porridge collected and whipped off the bails. But the square leg ump was unmoved! The batter went to do some gardening and then glumly walked, another strange wicket to add to the collection. Winsley all out for 98 on a good, true wicket and the Sloths were in new territory. 

Bonder called for the big guns and sent in The Doc and Jimmer with strict instructions to “give it to em”. Winsley took Bonder’s approach with the bowling and had one end of fast, unplayable, spin and full, slow, bungers from the other. Sloths had to survive at one end and then make hay at the other. In a blink of an eye, Jimmer had nearly been bowled several times but also smashed his way to 25 and retirement. Porridge then joined The Doc and repeatedly stole the strike while also lowering the strike rate, a classic T20 move. A crushing blow to the box, a dropped edge and even a suspicion of a ball hitting his stumps but not dislodging the bails, Porridge somehow reached 25 alongside The Doc, leaving GoodWill to smash Sloths over the line inside 14 overs.

Over very agreeable pints, Bonder beamed and repeatedly mentioned how glad he was to win at Winsley, it was almost as if he was really glad to win at Winsley.

 

vs Bathampton Dad’s @ KES, 12th May 2024

 

Some of the greatest stories begin at the end. Teasing the reader with the impossible-seeming outcome.

Some of the wildest stories start at the end. To tease the reader. A glimpse into an impossible seeming future. Well, this story will start at the end, but with a sound. This sound can still be heard echoing around the valleys west of Bath. It was the sound of the perfect meeting of willow and leather. Willow that had spent 30 years happily growing, before being felled, dried and planed into shape. Leather that had once been a red cow somewhere and was now a vessel of pain and joy. The sound was caused as two Antipodeans did battle, Brent bowling the final ball (twice) against Trafford, the Dad’s final wicket. With 3 runs to win.

 

Insert rewinding noises to go back to the start of the story

 

Sloths batted first under glorious sunshine, Ish and Nick HRP opening with different strategies. Nick determined to play the “proper shot at the proper time” and Ish determined to have a good time resulting in a 40 run opening partnership before Luke got HRP with a straight one and Ish caught coolly by Dan D. Laurie, Porridge and (the nearly timed-out for taking an age to find some mafia-boss-hand-sized gloves) Bonder were given strict instructions to “enjoy it and have a swing”. This ruse of joy led to low scores, a lot of dots, an excellent caught & bowled to snaffle Laurie’s Dad’s son and Captain Gas Man bringing the thunder. Riccay and Stu relished the challenge, swiping slo-mo sixes before both being caught going aerial. Lodgey chopped on trying to continue the counterattack and a front-foot-defending Fresh got castled by a Gas Man special, jagging in off the seam on a length to clatter middle and leg. An appreciative nod from Fresh was greeted with a Jimmy-Anderson-esque send off from a gee’d up Gas Man, these Dad’s mean business. Tom E getting drift and turn and Dan D swinging it a mile. Mother cricket saw it just to bring them down to earth as Brent crunched a luscious straight drive for four off the final ball of the innings to set the Dads a solid target of 133.

The Dad’s chase was led by regular Sloth James “The Doc” G and a new face in Pete. Pete was in shorts and said he hadn’t played in a while, a classic lure, on further interrogation he revealed a strong cricketing past after some suspiciously Joe Root imitation cuts and dabs. Ish and a bowling StumpChat were miserly until a couple of rare wide deliveries were dispatched to the boundary. To exact his revenge, StumpChat donned the gloves, to the relief of a pummelled Bonder, whipped the bails off a gently toppling Pete and (eventually) gathered a skyed effort from The Doc. With the openers removed in quick succession the Sloths felt they had the edge but, alas, the Dad’s regrouped with Jeremy and Trafford taking on HRP and Porridge’s perfectly-decent bowling (if you ask me) to punch them above the required rate. The boundary took a beating and two’s were found as Sloth hamstrings’ pinged across the field. Mercifully, both batters retired at the same time to give the ball a rest. Riccay then ruined Craig’s nice day out with an absolute jaffa. Dan D ran him and his partner into the ground as the target approached. Two run outs and a stumped Gas Man brought the retirees back out in the final over, as a friendly tension filled the ground and all eyes locked on to Brent’s final deliveries.

 

A four to win it off the final ball. Trafford looked an island of calm, fielders on the boundary prepared themselves as Brent sent down a delivery on off. A swing and a miss! Sloth’s sigh a sigh of relief, for what seemed like eternity until the dreaded signal was made… a wide. Gasps all round as the players reset. Brent gathered himself, put one on a length, only for Trafford to dispatch it straight down the ground, splitting Laurie & Porridge on the rope and splitting ear drums across the field.

vs. Stella Select, 7th May 2024

Nope, must be a mirage. Can’t be real. AI, probably. Sloths stared, confusedly, at the big yellow ball thing in the sky that was giving off some kind of heat. Then again, they stare confusedly at most things. Once it was confirmed as being the actual sun, gasps were shared and hands held aloft. We’d made it to ‘summer’.

Fresh began with his usual trick of shouting at everyone to hurry up, but not mention what we should be hurrying to exactly. Were we fielding or did we need to get pads on? Turns out, we were fielding and so his shouting honed in on the padless Stumpchat, who had to decant four separate bags for his kit and one secret compartment on his new child bike trailer (which is definitely a cricket bag transporter first, then a family after-thought).

Sloths bowled with varying gusto, aim and pace to bewildered Stella batters facing their first game of the season. Ish bowled quick with some on-length and some beamers at their hips for no reward but Porridge bowled dibbly-dobblers, short and on leg and got two wickets. Ah, that fair old game ‘Cricket’. After 6 overs, Stellas were struggling at 11-3, Ed Jadeja having wheeled through an over and attracting a thin edge to (the now padded) Stumpchat. Runs came more freely against Laz’s variable length, Nash’s legging and Frank’s first whirl in a while. A rare boundary featured a prowling Laz special; he began charging at the bouncing ball before panicking, retreating and hurling himself backward as the ball chuckled past. Brent Trent Boult grabbed himself a(nother) wicket and declared “Oh, it’d just be nice to get in the match report” but HA this reporter won’t be so easily swayed to mention his continued run of wickets, NO, I won’t be fooled into mentioning it. Good Will swung it a mile, grabbed a wicket and there was the welcome sight of Jimmy landing his mystery legging, with thanks to the ‘Special Burger’ he’d had (round the back of) at The George beforehand. Sloths set 110 to win!

Buoyed by the burger, Jimmy opened and looked fluid, Ed swung and swung hard. Excitement bubbled away in the batting line up as Ish entered at 3, with his bat from that had been delivered via The Netherlands. Looks were shared as the bat was revealed, had it shrunk on the flight? Nope, it was his childhood bat, his pride and joy. This pride obviously didn’t stop some Sloth ridicule but he silenced the doubters with some legside sixes that sounded like gunshots, a deer 3 miles away ducked. Frank scurried his way to 4 before a disastrous run out bringing in Fresh to gently lift his second ball to mid off, declaring on his return “Well, that was shit”, to much agreement. This left the aesthetically-pleasing, proper-cricket-connoisseurs Stu and Laz to cover drive their way to the finish line. Stu maintaining that he would only play the proper shot at the proper time. So duly won the game with a mow over cow off a ball on off for 6 (one for the purists there). The grin on his face told all that he couldn’t wait to message P Mac to let him know.

As the sun came down, Stellas and Sloths revelled in this new found season that some have referred to as ‘summer’.

Vs. Bear Flat Dad’s at KES, 30th April 2024

 

How many John’s does it take to play a game of cricket? Turns out, 24.

14 SlothJohns and 10 Bear Flat Dad’s met at KES under threatening skies for a titanic battle. As Sloths drifted in, word got round that we were batting, nobody knew where this word had come from but BadJohn and LazurusJohn were keen to don the pads. Pads? Pads! The club bag was missing, caught in traffic (like many a Sloth claimed to be in) and so the batting line up was decided by who had their own pads. Playground rulez.

As with evening games in April, 20:20 can be a stretch and so to speed this game up it was decided the first 10 overs would be bowled from one end. Or was that 9? Are we doing 18 overs? “Wait, that over was 7 balls”, “oh yeah, I think we’re replaying no balls”, “but there was a wide too”, “oh I think we’re not replaying wides”, “right”. A scorer’s dream.

This unsettling unsettlement may have distracted the Sloths batters who collectively decided to “make it interesting” and crash to 22-5 (accuracy debatable, but you get the picture). LazarusJohn kept his new bat new by making sure he got clean bowled early, JimmyJohn aesthetically-pleasingly playing off the back foot to a full ball and bowled, StumpJohn in shorts out to a pie, off-field pads were being found and flung on at a rate of knots. JimmerJohn declared he “fancied it” and looked to be settling in nicely before the on-loan TooGoodNashJohn ran him out from square leg to gasps from all. JohnJohn and PorridgeJohn weighed anchor and repelled some of the short stuff from on-loan LazersJohn. GoodJohn launched 3 sixes in his 11 ball 25 and was seen afterwards on a lengthy call, rumours of a Kolkata Knight Riders contract are rife. The innings was steered expertly to a close with some fine strokes from KiwiJohn and SnakeJohn to set a competitive 112 off of 20 overs, or was that 18?

SlothJohns scurried onto the field, buoyed by the wagging tail to begin their defence. High-quality John-chat led by BadJohn from the lengthening shadows of the pavilion spurred the SlothJohns to reduce BFD to 32-5! KiwiJohn again bagging a wicket in his first over, JohnJohn despite protesting about having no warm-up bowled a wicket-maiden, JadejaJohn tweaked an edge behind to jubilant StumpJohn, RicJohn bowled marvellously again for no (tangible) reward and thus bringing TooGoodJohnNash to the crease. Alongside a dogged partner they rotated the strike and plundered boundaries. JimmyJohn nearly took a screamer diving at mid-on but SlothJohn control was regained with JimmerJohn’s tweakers stifling the runs and wickets from GoodJohn and StickyJohnPorridge. In the gloom LazersJohn and TooGoodNashJohn could’ve won it with some serious hitting but even the pink (ish) ball was too tricky to spot, with Captain Jonathan John Fresh bowling his “spin” (as fast as he could, with a run up).

Charity beers were drunk as the rain lashed in and the scorers went to find a small dark room to assume the foetal position.

vs. The Offsiders, Bathampton, 23rd April 2024

Just like that, a near-forgotten sun began to set over the pavilion, weary Sloths emerged from their hibernation and once again began gathering, awkwardly in a car park. Like prime athletes they descended down to the pavilion once the all-clear flare was lit. Eyes quickly scanned the ground and reached the gleaming BROWN (ish) wicket. Rain? What rain?! 6 months of the wet stuff had written cricket grounds off all across the country but here stood a glorious sight. All herald the unseen heroes toiling the land! (Someone, anyone, give that groundsman a medal).

Some Sloths under 4 layers of clothing and others donning bobble hats spluttered to a start and a game of cricket against The Offsiders leapt off the line. Lawrie strode down the hill, seemingly 2 feet taller than last year and put it straight down leg to begin. Oh we’re back! Brent Boult opened up the hill with his Kiwi tweaks and hit a perfect length to rattle leg stump first ball. Then apologised, he’s the full Kiwi package. Miserly bowling pinned down the Offsiders batters who repeatedly risked singles to the casual-looking new Sloth recruit in the covers. Turns out, Nash has played a bit of cricket before and regularly hurled the ball in, with accuracy, to Porridge who gleefully whipped off the bails twice (and would’ve once more if he’d have been stood where he thought he was stood).

Accurate Sloth bowling continued with fellow new recruit Ish steaming in and drawing an edge, Riccy lithely bowling a particular jaffa and Ed Jadeja Evetts strangling the scoring. Lazarus was back in his element prowling the boundary, Bonder in the slips with those bucket hands and skipper Gas Man was bowling bombs. Some spectacular swings off Nash’s dibblers added some fireworks towards the innings end, with a Porridge celebrappeal stumping and a clean-bowled off the final ball leaving Nash on a hat-trick. Maybe he’ll never play again? Emails to Andy Zaltzman for the stat on longest hat-trick please.

Set 86 to win, Porridge and Nash were sent out and chased as a Dom Sibley and Ben Duckett double act. Nash reached his retirement with a guide through the covers and then exploded with two huge hits to bring the free-swinging Will Lewis to the crease. Who duly then scored more than Porridge had and had the gusto to win the game with a six! Frozen but gleeful Sloths and great-spirited Offsiders all hurried to The George to herald in the new season.