Southstoke’s Self-Abuse as Sloths Soar

As sledging goes, Bonder telling the facing batsman that the umpire had given him ‘the tentative finger’ has to be up there as one of the more unsettling examples. In reply, another of Southstoke’s umpires actually sledged his own man, telling him he wouldn’t be there long and possibly contributing to his dismissal two balls later. It says something of the quality of a match, when these are among the more remarkable incidents on which to report but, as ever, the game did have its moments.

On a green wicket, with sluggish outfield, this was never going to be a run-fest. However, Southstoke apparently reversing their order was an odd decision when batting first. With Sloths’ young-guns haring in at unsuspecting old-timers, there ensued something of a mismatch. Maylor was on sizzling form, bowling line and length to nullify the men at the crease, whilst Danny O mixed things up sufficiently to provide an early wicket. Behind the stumps, Mike ‘Which Leg?’ Bond was tidy and took two catches despite Maylor’s insistence on terrorising him from the outfield (apparently taking ‘easy’ to mean ‘please fire the ball at my head as hard as you can’).

Will ‘Anti-Virus’ Lewis bowled exceptionally well, giving away few runs and claiming a wicket, as did Frith, confounding the batsmen with searching length and a hint of movement through the air. As the innings progressed, however, Southstoke rallied and provided the unusual spectacle of Messers Yerbury and Howard being somewhat taken apart by their late-order big hitters, the latter still managing to take two wickets amid the onslaught.

With only 96 runs to chase down, Captain Howard considered whether he too should reverse the batting order before deciding ‘no, b*ll*cs, we want to win this’. Having said that, he did promote Rick Hewes to open alongside Rich Hewston, which – if nothing else – caused a headache for the scorers. One wondered whether Rick might clam-up under the weight of responsibility but we didn’t have to wait long before the answer came. Clearly in no mood for running between the wickets, Hewes launched a barrage of 4s and one splendid 6 before retiring on 25+. Meanwhile, Hewston demonstrated his range of shots, carving the ball neatly into gaps around the field for ones and twos to ensure the score ticked over between boundaries.

Maylor was as commanding with bat as he had been with ball, swinging through the line with assured straightness in stumpchat-esque style, somewhat miffed to find himself retiring on 25 just as he was having fun. Frith looked dangerous but never quite timed the ball and Will Lewis lost his wicket first ball with a rather reckless swing at a straight delivery on a good length. Having dropped himself down the order as he would require a runner, Howard was surprised to find Bond requesting same. Frith took this role, insisting on running from square of the batsmen to the opposite stumps, thereby covering 1 ½ pitch-lengths for each run scored.

Later joined by Madeye and then replaced by SDS, Bond was a little stymied by his immobilising calf injury but nonetheless contributed with inimitable determination. Between them, this old-guard triumvirate kept the scoreboard busy, if not exactly humming, picking off the remaining total in singles and twos. SDS struck the winning shot, a finely timed off drive, with relish before eagerly repairing to the clubhouse for some well-earned refreshment … and then some more.

So that’s it really: another win, two fine retirements, one confused runner, one abused batsmen and a host of unreported stats. Job done – I’m off to Glastonbury. Cheers.

Michael Eavis, Agricultural Correspondent, Slothful Times

Fear and Slothing in Bathampton

‘Dead Sloths’ littered the outfield in solute yesterday evening in the fading light as Yerbury stole the winning run. It was Stumpchat who had struck the ball but, in an unlikely role reversal, Ric who cajoled him into going for a second to seal the victory. With two balls remaining, 8 runs had been required and Stu had chosen this moment to hit the first 6 of his playing career, thus leaving two to win from the final ball of play. To say the atmosphere was tense would be something of an understatement.

As has been customary this season, Sloths’ bowling had been incisive and penetrating: Maylor and Eyley leading the charge with pace, line and length. Cam Bond induced a stumping first ball and regularly found the edge; SDS on his comeback was tidy and consistent; Hewes created opportunities for Stumpchat to whip off the bails; Howard was characteristically on the money; Yerbury was beguiling as always and Madeye struck with his rare straight balls. Hewston, fed-up with being moved away from catching positions, decided – once more – to fly solo, resorting to taking a catch from his own bowling, where Ant couldn’t interfere.

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In the field, this week’s ball-magnet was Maylor, who remained an ever threatening presence in spite of Stumpchat’s tendency to induce panic by screaming ‘FIRE IT IN!’ at him. His one successful attempt unfortunately left the umpire unsighted and unable to give the run-out decision most agreed was due. Bond Jnr and Eyley – on opposite boundaries – saved many a run with their quick feet and strong arm, the former making a difficult catch look easy, running to his right in the deep to pluck a lofted drive from the air two-handed at extra cover (as SDS observed: ‘like a leaping sausage’). But the dismissal of the innings had to be that of one of Guinness’s more threatening batsmen, who – backing up from the non-striker’s end – found himself stranded as Harper, eschewing the caught-and-bowled of a less imposing batsman on strike, cunningly deflected the ball onto the opposite stumps. Genius.

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All of which left Sloths with just 108 runs to chase down for victory. Admittedly, conditions weren’t optimal under darkening, cloud-laden skies but Sloths really did make heavy weather of it and appeared fearful of the modest target. Bond Snr – on umpiring duties this week due to a lingering calf injury – declared this to be ‘The worst batting performance I’ve ever seen’ (and he’s seen a few shockers in his time). Harper did begin in commanding form, able to pick singles with ease, but rarely found the boundary and was dismissed before he could do any serious damage. Hewston didn’t really get going either, ditto Maylor… and so it continued, wickets falling largely as a result of impatience with indifferent bowling.

The stand-out innings (plural), however, were those of Stumpchat: playing a beautifully straight bat throughout and hitting the shot of the day with a classic drive through long off for four. When he retired on 25, Sloths required just under 6 an over; victory was in sight but few wickets remained. Guinness had kept one or two ‘proper’ bowlers back for the denouement and as the pressure to score remained, wickets continued to fall. Happily for Sloths, this allowed for the return of Stumpchat in the final over. The rest – as they say – is history.

Hunter S Thompson, Gonzo Cricket Correspondent, Slothful Times

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