Hibernation ended.
Normally, that means a 10°C evening on the Odd Down astro. This year, however, the Sloths who managed to wake before May congregated at the old Stothert & Pitt Ground.
Having passed the ground on Monday, it was clear the square was longer than the outfield by a good 50%. While the grass had technically been cut, this strip had clearly never seen a roller. Cue pea rollers and a trampoline bounce with more variation than a Bitcoin price chart.
Eight Sloths arrived on time. No scorebook. The opposition didn’t have a scorebook either, nor keeping gloves. Four more Sloths drifted in by 6:20pm. Operations normal. I’d like to comment on the cricket rather than this administrative waffle, but without a book it is difficult to remember much with certainty.
What I do recall is Captain Carling facing three balls: a glorious on-drive, a crisp cut for four, and then out. Having completed his duties, he promptly declared he could do with going home, so Shiraz stepped up to the plate. This is what happens when you don’t have 2 pints and a burger Jimmy.
Runs were largely scored through a simple but effective method: getting to the pitch of the ball and dispatching it square. Veal estimated the Sloths struck around 12 sixes, though independent verification remains impossible given the absent scorebook. Good Will, naturally, launched one into the trees, never to be seen again. Dan Darwin grafted his way to twenty-odd, displaying the discipline he no doubt instils in his pupils. HRP had clearly awoken early from hibernation, swashbuckling his way to a thoroughly deserved retirement. Some other runs were also scored.
A notable incident of “Spirit of Cricket” arrived early when Stumpchat received a true pea roller second ball. While standing there, staring at the pitch and inwardly wondering why he had ever left the damp wickets of Yorkshire, the St John’s Cricket Club bowler called him back. What a man. Top bloke, Henry Gibbons. The gesture was warmly acknowledged by Stumpchat depositing the very next ball into the farmyard for six. Oops.
Details are hazy, but everyone chipped in to build a highly respectable 150-odd from 18 overs on a pitch containing more landmines and submarines than D-Day.
A speedy turnaround followed, and youth opened the attack. Despite wise counsel from Th Gasman and Double-D not to bowl pace, they did anyway. Teenagers. In fairness, after Veal delivered one quicker ball that popped like it was hot, he sensibly reverted to his newly found brand of devious spin. Qayom appeared to have visited the gym over winter. From a five-pace run-up he was fizzing the ball through and was the only bowler to discover reliable bounce all evening. One full, straight delivery clattered into the stumps to remove the St John’s Cricket Club star batter.
Most Sloth bowlers claimed a wicket. Exactly how they fell is, frankly, impossible to say. Catches were held for at least four, two were stumped, and perhaps two were bowled. Sorry, Ant thats about as good as your going to get.
One catch probs needs mentioning. A fine length ball was jabbed at from off the pads and looped invitingly into the air in the middle of the pitch.
HRP, no doubt wishing at that moment he had followed through a bit more, knew he was unlikely to arrive in time. Stump decided the winter fitness work needed testing. Or was it simply that HRP had promised him one of his cookies if he caught it? Drawn like a fly to muck, he charged in and scooped the ball off the turf.
Victory was sealed in the gloom, with St John’s Cricket Club reaching 108, leaving them 54 short. A match played in tremendous spirit, with everyone involved finding the wicket utterly hilarious.
Questions left behind
- Cold Odd Down astro or minefield track for the opening match; could Steve Smith hack either?
- How many hours will Bonder give Sloths who have not paid their £7 before knocking on their door?
- If four victims are taken but the book records none of them, did they ever happen?
- If the moon is easier to see than the ball should we play next ball wins?
- Where the hell is the book? Has Ant used it to create trippy papier-mâché turtles again?
Post-hibernation Stumpchat, reporting from the Bath.
