How Many captains does it take…?

The first Sunday game of the season is often played on a soggy pitch under grey skies. But yesterday at Prior Park, the sun shone and the pristine strip was more Kolkata than Old Trafford. The hosts here were St John’s church. Which was as well, as if there were ever a day on which to enquire “more tea vicar?” this was it. It’s thirsty work, fielding in the afternoon sunshine. So, Vice-Captain Porridge advised Skipper Painter – on learning he’d won the toss – to bat first. Jim elected to field.

Opening the bowling with newbies “Ish and Bash”, one wondered whether a new kid’s TV series may be on the cards. But facing this duo certainly wasn’t childs play (see what I did there?). Ish set the standard, with pace and accuracy. Bash hooped the ball around and provided the first breakthrough, the ball nicking-through to Porridge, ever-alert behind the stumps. Ish then clattered the wickets for the second (or it may have been the other way round – I’m not Andy bloody Salzmann).

dansette player

Fielding was uncharacteristically tidy, with Ish and Madeye kept busy on the short boundary and ‘the Colonel’ (no – I’ve no idea either) James making many a run-saving stop at long-off. Kestrel took an especially impressive catch to dismiss one of St John’s more threatening batsmen, stretching for an over-pitched delivery by Dansette (just made that one up – Dan from Hampset: you’re welcome*). Kestrel then retired to the deep boundary, where he shepherded the ball over the rope to help the faltering run-rate along.

* It’s Offsiders – not Hampset [Ed] – maybe ‘Danoff’?

Joe-not-Gillings put in an impressive spell and caused St John’s opener to call for a helmet, when he bowled possibly the slowest bouncer in cricketing history. From a good length, at modest pace, the ball took off as though fired in short by an angry Freshmeat on tour (just checking you’re paying attention, Johnny). Nic ‘man-of-letters’, after a few range-finders, produced possibly the sweetest dismissal, finding the outside edge with a rising delivery off a perfect length, which was gratefully pouched by Porridge.

wild celebrations

Kestrel also caused the batsmen difficulty with the ball (and may have taken a wicket, I wasn’t paying attention). So, when Ed sauntered-in off a couple of paces, they would have been forgiven for breathing a sigh of relief. Except they couldn’t. Ed was on the money from ball one. By his own admission, he has no idea what each delivery will do, so the batsmen have no chance. A couple of quicker, straight deliveries fizzed through to the eagerly waiting Porridge. One of which was snatched, at full stretch, as Luke dived acrobatically over his right shoulder. But the wild celebrations were curtailed when the batsman vehemently denied having had anything to do with it.

After 17 overs in the field (this being a 35-over game), all concerned were relieved as drinks were announced. But nothing was forthcoming. Is St John, perhaps, the patron-saint of frugality? No matter, all had come prepared with water bottles (or – in Dansette’s case – bottles of Gem). And there was always tea to look forward to at the end of the innings. But no. Not so much as a cuppa was proffered, let-alone a cucumber sandwich. If only we’d had Jonnty on hand. He could have maybe rustled up some loaves and fishes.

to the slaughter

Was this a ploy to send a depleted batting side out to the slaughter? If it was, it sorely back-fired. With 160 runs required, openners Ish and Kestrel knocked-off well over half of these by themselves, each returning undefeated to the dry pavilion. Kestrel, in particular, expressed himself with abandon, breaking the monotony of fours with the odd six for good measure.

James looked likely to continue the rout but fell to a quick, straight delivery. Then St John deployed their secret weapon: a player so youthful as to make our Joe seem positively venerable. Porridge strode out to face, exclaiming “don’t let me get out to the Kid”. He did. Playing all round a Dalley-Smith-esque bomb drop, the resulting sharp stumping caused Luke to pause and congratulate his fellow wicket keeper before leaving the field.

proper drink?

Which left Madeye and Nic to finish the job. The former narrowly escaped annihilation from the quick right-hand that had removed James. Then the two settled in to squeak the remaining few runs via pads, edges and the occasional, accidental, legitimate shot. Job done. With plenty of overs remaining and without recourse to the masterful batting of Captain Painter.

And now – finally – a proper drink. But no! Somehow, Prior Park’s multi-million-pound facility appears not to include a bar. Or – if it does – it was not made available. Instead we were invited by oppo to join them at the Cider House in town. This is conveniently situated in the centre of Bath, amid a complicated one-way system, where parking is not an option.

Arriving on two wheels, after a not-inconsiderable detour from the route back to Bathampton, this correspondent can report there was not a cricketer in sight. Or – if there was – they must have been part of the under-21 squad. What a sad disappointment after such a glorious afternoon. Roll-on Priston, I say!

Michal Buerk, Third-World Correspondent, Slothful Times

questions remain

As always, following such a well-won contest, questions remain:

• If Porridge takes a catch in the forest and there’s no-one there to hear it – is it out?
• Should Kestrel’s 50-not-out stand if he was helped over the line by a Sloth fielder on loan?
• Do Sloths have enough musicians to put out a famine-relief charity single for St John’s? (“Do They Know It’s Tea Time At All”)?
• Will “Ish & Bash” be commissioned by Cbeebies before the end of the season?

Answers, please, on a postcard and deposited in an empty tea urn, outside St John’s Church, Widcombe.

 

Vs The Offsiders, 22nd April 2025

 

“It’s all presentation over substance, that’s what’s wrong with the world nowadays” was one Sloth’s honest review of the new seating arrangement at KES pavilion, where a well-placed bench has been removed to be replaced with horrible, life-affirming flowers and planters. Luckily, Bathampton Sloths care little for their presentation and instead focus solely on substance (some much more than others).

Presently, Sloths gathered for the first game of the 2025 season and, quite potentially, about to engage in their first substantial piece of exercise in 6 months. Creaking bodies appeared from cars and all eyes gazed wistfully at the serenity of KES playing fields, oh such potential a new season promises! HRP even did some lunges.

Sloths batted first under strict instructions to ‘get on with it, we’re only playing 16 overs each because it’ll get dark quickly’. So who better to open at this break-neck speed than pre-Baz-Ball advocate and all-round Dom Sibley fan Porridge and Jimmer likes-to-take-a-look-so-stick-me-at-4-please-Skip. The Gas Man predicted a sticky pitch ‘whatwith that rain that fell earlier’ and wouldn’t you know it, he was right! At least that’s this writer’s excuse for a slow scoring 8 over batting stint. Jimmer found his timing to sweetly clear the in-field multiple times before getting under one and finding a fielder who could catch. Not like the dolly that was dropped in the covers an over previously. In came Laurie Veal who also fell to the sticky pitch, sending a leading edge high into the sky when clipping to leg and being caught. All eyes were on The Colonel as he strode to the wicket with, basically, Babar Azam’s bat and boy did it sound good as he sent one straight down mid-wicket’s throat. He glumly returned saying “oh boy I hate cricket”, but don’t worry readers, by the end of the game his boyish enthusiasm was back declaring “all that I was thinking when fielding was, I could do this for days”. Meanwhile, Dan DD Darwin Deez and The Gas Man upped the ante with scuttling running in the muggy conditions as fielders struggled with their barrage. After a dozen attempts, the big heave connected and The Gas Man gloriously struck the first six of the season into the canal fence and duly retired with a score of 30. Brent Boult struck a few to complete the innings and, off of their 16 overs, Sloth’s set The Offsiders 104 to win.

It’s hard to be objective about the following scenario because it was almost one of the best things I have ever been a part of and would have definitely resulted in me leaping topless into the canal. Ish kicked off Sloth’s bowling season with a ripper that caught the edge and was nearly snaffled one-handed by a diving Porridge. Ish continued with pace and accuracy to repeatedly beat the edge amid “ahh’s” and “ooo’s” from the Sloth fielders. A fair few worried “eek’s” from DD at point also, who’s analysis was “it’s lucky he’s in control of his length, because there’s a distinct possibility this batter could come a cropper”. The pitch providing plenty of carry and bounce, Ish changed tactic and honed in on the stumps to remove the opening batter. Fresh bowled tidily, being taught how to keep the seam upright by Veal just as he began his first run up. The familiar high release point of HRP was back for 2025, giving up the first four of the innings but also clean bowling a batter with a swinging beauty. How better to balance the quality of Ish’s opening spell with some village-leg spin? Jimmy Jimmy’s mystery dippers brought plenty of stumping attempts and a peak-village run out opportunity missed at both ends by despairing, chuckling Sloths. The two set batters steadily accumulated singles to very well placed Sloth fielders as the light began to dramatically fade. Enter the Sloth Spin Attack! Veal brought out his bag of tricks and bamboozled a batter with the in-swinging-arm-ball-left-handed-from-around-the-wicket classic, tasty. Brent Boult continued his streak of always bagging a wicket first game of the season as a batter skied one to the newly-bearded DD at point, who caught with authoritative aplomb. In near darkness, it was a James’ double act as Painter and The Colonel twirled away, allowing few opportunities to score and Jimmer, obviously, going to ground attempting a sharp caught & bowled chance.

Restricted to 78, Sloths took the victory but a fixture with The Offsiders in the height of summer would have been a trickier task.

Over giddy pints in The George, the joys of spring cricket were shared amidst the informal formation of The Bathampton Sloths Sports-Related-Good-Ghost-Writers-Only Book Club. DD shared his thumb-width book buying parameter and the club revealed its first recommendations:

• Open by Andre Aggasi (shorter than a book about 600 Years of The Saxons)
• Penguins Stopped Play by Harry Thompson
• One Long & Beautiful Summer by Duncan Hamilton

And yes, like all book clubs, it’ll be just another excuse to drink and go to the pub.