Once in a generation, a talent emerges with skills already so honed that the cricketing world can only stop and admire what might lie ahead.
James “Colonel” Mustard is one such player — brutal with the bat, devastating with the ball, and salmon-like in the field. We may well have witnessed the birth of a cricketer for the ages. But let’s rewind a second…
On a hot and sultry Bathampton night, the Sloths prepared to do battle with the Beavers in a game that promised half-fit, middle-aged men being bowled for a golden duck or sending down four wides an over — but instead delivered an elite display of everything that’s great about West Country amateur cricket played on private school pitches.
The Beavers started strongly, with a procession of excellent batsmen arriving at the crease one after another, smashing fours and sixes before retiring in quick succession. Despite the onslaught, the Sloths’ bowling was typically solid, with good spells (in places) from Bash, Joel, The Racing Snake, Tom, HRP, Ant, Nick, and Brent. The Gasman, in particular, was clearly rattled by an uncharacteristically expensive first over — only to respond with a stunning caught-and-bowled that left the game delicately poised.
With the match in the balance, it was time for an unfit player struggling with heat stroke and dizziness to shine. Jimmy used his vertigo to full effect, bowling a leg spin delivery so high in the sky it caused a minor solar eclipse, distracting the Beaver batsman just long enough for keeper Roy to do the rest. This wicket brought in Mustard — a player so adored by his Beaver teammates, failure simply wasn’t an option.
After a couple of sighters, he unleashed himself on the Sloth attack, picking his shots with a succession of fours. Like Graeme Hick before he played for England, Mustard revealed a previously unknown shot range and intensity to his game — clearly buoyed by the chance to shine in his Beaver colours. As Mustard batted on the total soared past 150, and the Sloths faced a daunting chase.
The men from Bathampton made a strong start with the bat. Nic looked typically graceful at the crease, making an unbeaten 30 over two sessions, while Jimmy timed the ball nicely to reach 13 before being well caught. His dismissal triggered a flurry of quick wickets, with that man the Colonel himself taking a stunning catch for the ages off a skied one from Roy. Showing a yard of pace and agility not seen in his time wearing sloth colours the proud Beaver didn’t disappoint.
After the dismissal of Joe for 6, HRP and Riccay came in to steady a creaking ship, with HRP swiping two monster sixes off his pads — widely described by onlookers (i.e. Jimmy) as the finest shots of HRP’s illustrious career. Rick’s casual approach to running was on display once again with his scoring options limited to either a languidly run single or a 4!
More wickets fell, including an unlucky golden duck run-out from Brent and the after effects of servicing Glastonbury VIPs triggering some overly optimistic strokeplay from Ant, before Bash entered for a stunning 22 at number 10 — a quickfire knock that will surely see him climb at least nine places in the batting order in time for the next game.
Sadly, it wasn’t quite enough to chase down the Beavers’ daunting total. Thirty-two needed off the last over was too much, even for the impressive Nic and Bash and the sloths fell short. As the Beavers rushed to embrace their hero Captain Colonel Mustard it felt like the end of one chapter and the start of another for the man from Bedminster.