There will come a day when the runs and wickets of Bathampton will come crashing down. A day of ruin and dropped catches, of diabolical fielding and sub 50 run totals, but it was not this day! This day we fought, Sloths of Bathampton!

Priston away. The famous fixture. The “legendary tea” fixture. The fixture that Sloths eagerly await when the fixtures get announced. Although the fixtures don’t really get announced, they just kind of unravel themselves from their tightly woven spreadsheet, some Sloths read them, wince and then promptly lose the link / paper / Gregg’s paper bag they were written on.

2pm comes. 3 Sloths get lost down a country lane, one turns up with a friend to watch (who, turns out, is much better at cricket then all of us) and Ant turns up in a car designed by Homer Simpson. All is well.

Tom The Gas Man wins the toss. All is suddenly not well. We never win the toss, correction, Fresh never wins the toss. This coin-based victory sends the Captain Committee into panic. “What would Johnny do?” A just question but our regular captain never wins the toss so this question yielded no help. Nick HRP Lewis at this point leans over, elbow to elbow with this narrator and summises “Hang on, if we bat first, that means we all just sit here and wait until it’s our turn to bat?” His face then contorts, as anyone’s does, as he tries to comprehend the sport of cricket. Sensing this, Ant / Tom / Bonder / Stumpchat decide we should bat first because sitting down is the best bit.

Priston start a team warm up. 8 Sloths sit down. The Gas Man and Stumpchat pad up and vibes are strong as the sun comes out. It’s all classical style straight bat stuff, blocking out the offie and punishing the bad balls through the covers. An opening stand of 50 has Priston on the ropes but then the offie strikes and clean bowls The Gas Man for 26. Jimmy’s next in, relishing the moment, immediately survives a stumping and then plays-on attempting a booming drive. Riccay arrives and Priston can’t deal with the left handed sweeps and dabs to point. Another partnership blossoms as fielding chances go begging and strong running between the wickets. Rick is caught for a rambuckling 32 and brings Nick HRP (do we just all sit here) to the crease. No guard required, he tries to send his first ball to Cow Corner and is bowled. He goes back to sitting down. Bonder strolls in and is LBW in his first over. The game turns. Cricket at it’s best / worst. Drinks happen. Stumpchat enters his 40’s, he starts to sense this but wise Sensei Ant tells us all to lie to him and tell him he’s on 24. This doesn’t work, he gets nervous, starts scoring only in singles, calls for a run when finding the fielder at short extra-cover. We all get nervous. We know how upset he’ll be if h- he’s done it! A well struck four sees Stumpchat to fifty. Ant kicks off his season only using the middle of the bat and scores in all the areas Priston leave open. Stumpchat tactically gets himself out with a few overs to go so that he’s well positioned for tea. Lanky Boy Ben unfurls his limbs for some helpful lower order runs and Porridge helps himself to a wide and 2 cover swipes straight at fielders. Sloths set 205 to win. Ant strolls off smug about his 32 not out that he knows he will definitely fudge to a 42 when he does the website.

TEA THEN. I had heard the rumours. COVID had meant that my visits to Priston had been dry, hungry affairs and that I had truly missed out. Well my hungover 2 hour drive from a wedding away was proven worth it. 6 different fillings in sandwiches available in brown or white bread. Scones with cream and strawberries. Chocolate cake and coffee and walnut cake. Bucketloads of tea. Crisps. And that was just what Stumpchat had on his first visit. Priston, you know how to cricket. We thanked them like it was our first sip of water upon leaving the savannah.

Sloths, forgetting that we actually have to bowl now, took little notice of the padded up batters strolling past their bloated full bodies and considered a third helping. Dragged out on the field they then produced a clinical fielding performance for the ages. Gee’d up by cake and a defendable total they swept in to stop ones and hurled themselves to save fours. Porridge and Riccay opened and grew into their miserly spells. Priston waited for bad balls and found themselves, waiting. They were punished by a worm-shagging, daisy-cutting, grubber of a delivery from Porridge to clean bowl (dislodge one bail) an opener. Riccay’s opening spell of 5-1-11-0 seen off, they attacked Porridge and lofted a delivery up high into the air to be snaffled by Frank The Tank. Sloths had their tails up. The Gas Man comes in first change and off a one step run up demolishes the stumps with an absolute jaffa. Priston double down on their longevity plan and see off tidy spells from Gas Man and HRP. Bonder stopping all the short stuff at extra cover and the opener just repeatedly hitting straight at safe-hands Carlin wherever he stood. A bit of this and a bit of that from Ant has Priston unsure whether to attack or defend and he has the opener caught to signal a change in approach from Priston. They go on the attack and plunder runs off Jadeja (Ed) but beats the bat a few times with some rippers. Lanky Boy Ben and Frank The Tank come in for some punishment but both at some point throw themselves to stop straight drives (and protect their bowling stats). Sloth fielding is tested as bodies hurl themselves along the boundary, Ed uses his chest to stop a cruncher at midwicket, Nick takes a catch that came down with snow on and Ben patrols cat-like down the hill. All this fielding sounds like it couldn’t be improved I hear you say? WRONG. On comes our sub-fielder Ashu for Bonder. Ashu’s spent the day merrily bowling warm up leggies to waiting Sloth batters (he beat the bat constantly) and then watching as we field. Turns out he’s a gun fielder and his direct run out (think Ashes 2005 sub fielder running out Ponting) takes away any Priston momentum. Priston fall short by 21 runs but gave some Sloths some squeaky bum time (well only Bonder because he was the only one sitting down, but you get my point) The pub is opened (by the no. 3 batter) and pints are enjoyed in a quintessential Somerset village square. Priston away is completed for another year. It’s a famous fixture for a reason, you know.

Come gather ’round ye lads and lasses, And listen to a tale of cricket matches. It was the Bathampton Sloths and Bear Flat Dads, In a contest that left the Sloths feeling sad.

The Sloths won the toss and batted first, But their batting woes left them at their worst. They only scored 124 in the twenty overs they played, A low score that left their fans dismayed.

Tom Harding and Lazarus fought hard, But the Bear Flat Dads’ bowling was on guard. The Sloths’ new players Brent and Leo, Showed promise, but it wasn’t enough to be a hero.

The Bear Flat Dads came out to bat, And they knew they had to be smarter than that. They played with discipline and patience, Their goal was to win with resilience.

The Sloths’ fielding was a sight to see, With some great catches, but they made some blunders with glee. Their captain, Howard, was inapt and out of touch, His decisions not making much of a clutch.

The Bear Flat Dads’ batsmen were in fine form, They were hitting boundaries and keeping the score warm. They showed great skill and determination, And the Sloths’ poor captaincy led to their devastation.

In the end, the Bear Flat Dads won with ease, Their performance was sure to please. They won by 8 wickets, with plenty of time to spare, The Sloths’ defeat left their fans in despair.

So, if ye ever watch a cricket match, Remember to pay attention to the captain’s dispatch. For in this game, it’s not just skill that counts, But the captain’s decisions that can amount.

The Sloths may have lost, but they showed some might, And they’ll be back to play another night. With new players and a captain who’s wise, They’ll be sure to come back and surprise.

Keen to make amends on this season’s previous Priston fixture (humiliation doesn’t come close – we lost by 100 runs) a vastly improved team (we dropped Madigan) assembled on Sunday.

Captaining the team, Bond senior thought it best not to, opting instead the random “draw a straw” approach to batsman selection. This slack-handed approach to captaining comes either from not wanting to offend or not wanting to think. Either way though once the straws were drawn, it didn’t look that bad a call. Admittedly the tail (Harding, Hewes & Bond) looked awesome but so did the openers and mid order!

Priston’s opening bowler proved a handfull and runs came slowly (Dale bowled 5 maidens out of 7 overs). Painter and Lodge battled through this well with maturity and patience under increasing pressure. They saw him off before getting some more hittable deliveries. Jimbo then went on the score a ton before retiring, aided at the crease by Lodge and Stump Chat (29), having batted for just under two hours, there wasn’t much time for the other Sloths to do much, coming in and swinging (or just running – see 3rd footnote) the next 6 batsman added an extra 18. With a large extra total of nearly 40 – we had a good total of 210 to defend.

Priston teas, reportedly not to par on the last match, we as excellent as ever, with Stump Chat and Lodge showing great restraint and selflessness, waiting for others until they had their third or fourth plate. (I suspect Stump had a post match 5th.)

On the field –  we had worries – bottling the oldies into safe fielding positions always proves problematic (you can soon have half a dozen slips). Painter having batted so long, could hardly walk let alone run, Lodge stopped running about three years back. Howard was cramping up… BUT I can honestly say that it was the best all round performance I’ve seen in a Sloth pack over quite a few years. (Antiques included). Memorable was Cam Bond’s epic throw from the downhill boundary edge back to keeper, the ball passed about 10 feet above the jumping Jimmi C, almost to the other boundary – can you have a “six” over throw?!

Harding bowling off a three pace run up along with Hewes (normal “spacky” left arm run up) outdid their openers. Bowling 6 overs a piece – Tom 1 for 8, Ric 1 for 12. The two did as much with ball economically as Painter had with bat. Leaving Priston needing to score big to be in the game. The Lewises then took their turns with young Laurie bowling 6 overs (1 for 19) outdoing his aging father (0 for 28). The Lewis partnership with ball cost us just under 50 runs of the 13 overs. Howard (cramp removed by Cam) had a go but by then the chase was on – and though smacked for 50 took 3 wickets removing one of their bigger hitters with a fine caught and bowled (which was more self defence – the option not to catch, would have left a cricket ball sized hole in his chest). Lodge in support, was far more economical (1 for 23).

In the field the Sloth’s in general moved as a team, used their hands and heads. Behind the stumps both Stump Chat and Jimmi C were brilliant.

Editorial footnote: Painter has now “patented” a new catching technique, “The Slow Strip”, this is to be used in the case of high lofty catch instances (the “that’s high, it’s coming to me, maybe I should move, fuck maybe I should have run away” sort of affair) – basically after the “that’s high and to me” phase – you take an item of clothing off each second until ball reaches you, this stops the brain from debating wether or not to run away.

Editorial footnote footnote: Painter ran all his runs himself, for a change.

Editorial footnote footnote footnote: Fresh – if I run myself out to give you strike for the last remaining three balls – USE THEM!

On a very dark and gloomy Thursday, 10 Sloths made it to the Bath Uni ground (Lower Bristol Road). We would have been a full team but John Lodge pulled out early, an increasing problem with some of our elder players.

Captained by the every cheerful, increasingly useless, Fresh, we lost the toss thereby ensuring we’d be chasing in near darkness.

The Bell brought 10 good players and a Frenchman, who they hilariously forgot to explain any rules or explanation.

Playing no LBWs (unless plumb, yeah right mine was middle stump, back foot!) and four overs per bowler, Captain Fresh boldly ignored this and let everyone who wanted a go have one.

At times there were moments of “fine” fielding, these fines will be awarded in penalty points on the Fuckworth Lewis scale. Why we have such useless fielders always amazes! I guess that comes with not having enough players to really “select” from and we have to with the “tools” at hand. At least the fielding wasn’t as bad as the previous Bathford game, where our players leaked more runs through simple incompetence and lack of coordinated mobility.  Well done to Jimmi and Cam for their efforts and actually moving about the pitch. Other notables in the field were Ian Swan (“How do I get off the bottom of the Fuckworth scale?”) with a catch at fine leg and a couple of wickets bowling. Laurie with a tight four overs.

It was hard without a scoreboard but by then end the Bell had racked up 132 (albeit in secret) and the Sloths had to chase in the gloomy evening light, with an increasing light drizzle..
Notable were Jimmi C, Cam Bond and young Lewis (a great four) with the bat, the rest of the Sloths were more than useless but to fair faced some good tight bowling.

The Bell, Frenchman included, were the better team and had we had Lodge and Fresh had won the toss, things could have been different. Not wanting to point fingers or anything but Lewis Senior (batting 7) managed zero runs and bowled two overs for 16 runs, one wicket. Lewis Junior (batting 9) scores 5 off the bat and bowls four overs for 22, one wicket. Add to that that Fresh nearly ran out Cam by chatting. The question has to be asked, who in the Lewis family SHOULD be captain. Maybe we could retain Johnny as club secretary?

Captained by Stump Chat Nelson the sloths performed dismally both with bat and ball. The fielding was so bad one spectator was heard to utter “is this a team for geriatric’s only?”. He may have been right. Can we get some proper players please? Not just the usual shite that can be half arsed to turn up for a match, mainly due to the fact that they have been chased out of every other social activity on offer locally and their partners / children are sick of them moping about the home.

My dead cat could play better cricket.

Match report pending but in short, Bathford entered the Guinness Book of Records with a successful attempt from bowler Matthew Hunt to make the “longest run in”.

Opening (due mainly to a lack of any other player) were Harry Frith and Ant Howard, who took to the wicket at 1pm awaiting the five mile delivery.

Howard later quoted:

“It was by far my longest time at the crease – I know how Painter feels”

Due to a combination of errors, permission from the RAF to fly a drone over the Colerne flight path and then getting Matthew’s GPS to work, the five mile run up proved slower than SDS on the Bath Half.

So technically speaking whilst awaiting for some Sloth to pen a match report worthy of Harding’s excellence with bat (59), Jimmi Carlin’s superb support (37 and brilliant keeping) – WHAT A PLAYER!!, fantastically economical bowling from Hewes, Frith and Harding with Laurie boldly taking two overs at a time of intense pressure, ponder on this – if this is a World Record for the “longest run up” – then I’m pressing that Howard and Harry equally must be World Record holders for “WAITING TO FACE said longest run up”….. Pat on the fucking back lads – “Sloth World Record holders” makes playing Exeter look bland!

And did I forget to mention Porridge should bowl from 40 yards back?

above: the “World Record Longest Run up” Sloth Team, (from front left to right), Laurie Lewis, Frank Reakes, Harry Frith, Rick Hewes, Ant Howard, Jonny Lewis, Luc Horrex, Cam Bond, James Carlin, Tom Harding (man of match), Mike Bond

above: the “World Record Longest Run up” actual delivery as faced by Harry Frith, Ant in support

above: the bowling of Bonder

Odd Down, 14th April, 2022, England. Do you remember the first time? Do you remember a worse time? The early season game that no one is available to play. Hewes lost the toss and he was thinking it was a wise decision that Stella opened the batting, he would’ve done that too.

Sam F opened the 2022 season with a first class degree of skill that left the Hampset batsmen playing way too early at the ball, this is an April pitch that hasn’t had the summer to dry out. Despite Sam’s probing deliveries the first wicket was taken by Tom H. And it seemed that the game was swinging the Sloths’ way. Wickets fell but the Stella batsmen were putting runs in the bag. After eight overs things were looking in the balance. Up steps Howard and promptly bowls his two overs for 3-1, that’s right let me reiterate, three wickets for one run, including a wicket maiden. Mike P was up next and he got his first wicket for the Sloths, a fine WW1 howitzer that landed on top of the stumps. Fabulous! The screw had turned and the final Stella score was, we felt, a little under par.

A solid chase was needed with the light fading quickly. Up first were NIc and Sam, I don’t recall seeing Sam being bowled before. A surprise and Stella were in the game. Painter was in next and confidently put his holiday mentality behind him as he rushed the bowlers before putting one down the throat of Joe the deep sweeping fielder, Jimmy was next in , on debut, looking like he needed to avenge his recent change of career. The anchor, Nic,  however, never wavered and retired. Leaving the first six of the innings to Harry, in fact the first six he has ever scored. What a feeling! That acceleration left Sloths reaching the target with 3 overs remaining. 

As ever, questions were asked:

• Does cricket take more than it gives?
• Would Joe Root like to join our team?
• Does the artificial pitch at Odd Down still exist?
• If no one goes for a beer at the op-os club, is that rude?
• Should we play fixtures in April?
• Is Rick related to Peter Tork from the Monkees?